The Downside of UP/UC (rant) - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-16-2007, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I dealt with my fears about complications surrounding my baby's birth. Thank you so much mommas that posted in that thread with suggestions. They all helped so much!

I have been partially UP (technically have a provider, a CNM, but I dont schedule appointments in any normal time frame, just when I feel like going). Because of that, there is nobody to tell me and DH that I have to take it easy, to put me on bedrest (I run a high bp so every pregnancy I generally get "put" on bedrest sooner or later) There is nobody telling me I "cant" pick up more than a certain weight, etc. And there is of course the convincing evidence of my last successful UC.

As a result, my DH seems to act like I'm not pregnant at all. There is zero "let me help the pregnant woman" desire in my house. I've done such a good job of convincing him that pregnancy and birth is not a medical condition and just a natural and normal function of life, that I think I overdid it!

I have back trouble (car accident a long time ago that permanently injured my back enough for me to get a financial settlement out of it) and I'm 31 or 32 wks pg (something like that, just know that I'm getting very off balance) so my normal but small back aches are now huge flaring "I cant run and barely bend over" back aches, but I get zero help at home unless I B@%^& up a storm, ya know? Last night, I made dinner (we have no a/c in our kitchen and it was about 95 in there) while he played on the computer (he logged on about 20 min after he got home). I was drenched with sweat by the time dinner was ready. So he ate it (of course). Then I asked him if he would clean up since I made dinner, and so he went into the kitchen, got the casserole dish that dinner was made in, and put it (w/ no cover) into the fridge, and walked back in and continued to play on the computer. Our DD wouldn't sleep (she's having wierd issues with not wanting to sleep or nap lately) and I had been up about 7 times the night before, between being up with her and being up because of the baby (pregnancy always wakes me 2-3 times a night to go pee) so I was ready for bed at about 8:30pm. She wanted him but he was on the computer so she cried and then saw me, and came to me. I tried 10 different ways to get her to sleep (while he played) and finally after 11pm she passed out on our bed with me (while he played). I was short with her all evening which I feel horrible about I wanted to throttle DH (who is generally a very good guy but for some reason never takes me seriously when I tell him I'm having a bad day or not feeling well)

My intuition tells me that I need to really keep calm and get enough rest so that my blood pressure doesnt go up too much, and the less bending/picking up DD I do (she's 32lbs), the longer my back will hold out - hopefully until the baby is born and the pressure is off (we cant afford a chiro this time). I emailed DH and told him how I was feeling and he said "I'll try to help more but I really wish Brianna had a better bed time" : I wrote 2 pages about how I feel and got a 1 liner back. (he always says "I'll try to help more" when I tell him he's slacking, but generally never does)

Part of me wishes I would be hospitalized for my BP just so I could get some rest. : But I would miss DD too much.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:44 PM
 
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Maybe remind him of the high BP and say that you are feeling that stuff again and need some extra help for real. I'm so sorry your feeling alone and unhelped.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:57 PM
 
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I'm sorry! Aside from explaining to him how serious this is and that he's entirely capable of doing, not just "trying", I would look at ways to make it easier from your side. Don't cook dinner for him. Don't cook dinner at all, unless it's something *you* really want. Make yourself and your daughter something easy: a handful of nuts, a hunk of cheese, some fruit, steamed vegetables, a can of beans, a sandwich. If there's something you really want to cook, make it early in the morning and just heat it up at dinnertime. If you're tired, what would you do if he wasn't there? What happens when you just make as to go to sleep? (I have a two-year-old, and sometimes it works for me to disengage and close my eyes and relax my body -- even though I still can't sleep with her bouncing around, she eventually tunes into what I'm doing and lies down with me.) The fact that he *is* there means she can always bounce around in the other room because he's there to watch her (I assume he would if he had to?) White noise also helps us immensely -- do you have a fan? And for that matter, a fan in the kitchen?? Don't make more work for yourself than you absolutely need to.
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:41 PM
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also, you could simply ask him to decrease his time online to an agreed-upon amount of time.

the internet can seriously suck time and attention without osmeone knowing it. my husband is always surprised to look at the clock and notice that a "few moments" turned into two hours! then, he knows why i was complaining/upset that he wasn't spending time with me or what have you.

so, now when we're together in the evenings, he has a set time for the computer and how long that will last. we set the timer for it, and when it ding's, you reset it for 5 minutes to tie up and finish whatever you were doing. and that's it.

right now, my husband is happy with 20 mintues of internet time (he's wants to spend more time writing and more time with me--and internet was sucking both of those times), though some need more.

i'm sure you can agree upon computer time, and then also ask him for a bit more help with your DD (which, btw, i'm sure he wants to help with because he's a dad and that's what dad's do and want to do), and whatever other help you feel you need.

try not to 'overburden' him with help, but being specific in the help you need--such as "i'm too physically uncomfortable to cook in a 95 degree room, can you take that over at least 4 times per week?" and "could you make sure that X is done each tuesday so that i don't have to worry about it causing more pain in my back?"

i find that the more specific i am, and the more calmly that i explain my feelings and what i need/want, then the more likely my husband is to accept it and want to do it.

in our home right now, things are running very smoothly because of our internet discussion that we had. we talked about our real priorities (his writing, our relationship), and how the excessive time spent on the internet essentially "doing nothing" (he was being OCD about it) was causing him more anxiety and frustration, and also not taking into account my desire to spend time with him.

last nite, it broke down again. he was spinning his wheels, and asked if we would go for a walk together. i agreed, but having just eaten, i said "i'd like to sit with you a bit before we go for our walk." he said "ok" and then got online. I thought he'd suddenly gotten inspired and started writing a bit. So after about 30 minutes of this, i said "wow, you've really gotten inspired in your writing!" and he said 'oh, i'm just doing X (stupid busy work)" and said "are you ready to go for a walk yet?"

and i calmly said, "i wanted to sit with you, before going for the walk. can you sit for just a bit?" i was still resting my stomach, but the other thing that crops up is that if we go for a walk directly after he comes off of the computer, he's particularly anxious and he'll pick a fight while on the walk. whereas, if we sit first, he can take a few breaths and rest away from the computer, letting his anxiety dissappate, and then we can talk and have agreat talk on our walk.

it's really important that i stay calm and clear in my wants and needs, and i frame it in "this is what i want and need, and i know that you want and need these things too (ie, plenty of time for writing, time spent together), so lets find a way to make this work--while still getting time to rest and play online."

it works out nicely. sorry you're going through it! it's so frustrating!
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:52 PM
 
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This is *so* my problem! And made even worse by the fact that I have had an extremely easy pregnancy. I think it was just in the last month that dh really started noticing that I am pregnant!

One thing we worked out in the first couple years of our marriage is the fact that *I* set the expectations for *myself.* I do not do that whole "my husband expects me to have dinner on the table for him (clean the house, whatever)" thing. I do things for him because I love him - but I do not abide by being expected to do things, and if I have a more pressing need, then that's what gets priority. So pregnancy comes along and I'm tired... I refuse to cook. He walks in the door and I announce - "sorry dude, bad day today, I feel like crap, I'm not cooking - you can make us something or we can have a bowl of cereal." Sometimes he cooks; sometimes we have cereal.

Of course, it goes both ways - I have to make sure I'm not setting expectations for him. If he doesn't want to do the dishes, and I don't want to do the dishes, we don't do them. Yeah, our house is a pit right now But this too shall pass - we aren't slobs. We are just tired parents of 2 babies with another on the way.

As for kids - we split duties - since we have 2 - I take one, he takes the other. If I get my kid down and he still messing around with the other, that's his deal - I go take my bubble bath. If kids cry at night, and I'm too tired, I just pretend I didn't hear, and dh will take care of them. I'm evil; I know

Trying to talk to dh would never work - he'd just get offended - or tell me "I'll help more" and never change a thing. What I described above works for us - even down to affection - dh doesn't naturally just show alot of affection - if I need more affection, then I just have to start giving it and I'll get it back.
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Old 08-16-2007, 02:21 PM
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maybe remind him that you feel comfortable w/ UC because you "know the drill" by now and how to have a healthy baby. help from him is part of that drill.

men can be so logical about things that sometimes come to women (or me at least) intuitively. my DH is a computer programmer. he faught and faught so many of my ideas until i showed him some statistics and made a bulleted list of UC instructions. all of a sudden it dawned on him...
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Old 08-16-2007, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Its terrible but I know that the one thing I can actually get him to do is make dinner. He usually wont do it until its like 9pm and DD has eaten way too much snack food to tide her over and is no longer hungry, but he'll do it. For awhile, our agreement was that he was making dinner every night and I would clean up (because me making dinner and him cleaning up does NOT work... he cleans up worse than my 12 yr old)

Just like you, bluefish, he just gets annoyed if I ask him to help and says whatever he thinks will shut me up. If I ask him 4 nights in a row to clean the cat box he will do it on the 4th night. I have to say though that last pregnancy he really started to step up towards the end. This time though... no such luck. If it wasnt so brutally hot here I'd drag him out for a walk. He definitely seems to "reset" when we do that. But sitting on the couch he always falls asleep (maybe he shouldn't be gaming till 1am on work nights?)

I'm bitter today after a fight with him last night (well no, we didnt fight because he pretended I said nothing at all and acted like nothing happened afterwards) he really is a fantastic guy as long as I dont expect him to do anything that requires labor or a request for "work" on his part. Sometimes I wish I was a better homemaker so that I could just handle it all and he could just work and then we'd be happier. I almost can normally but pregnancy is kicking my butt. I just wish I could put myself on bedrest and have everyone around me respect my "doctors orders" lol
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:00 PM
 
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I was griping about the house one day and MIL told me - you are going to learn that somebody has to do it and usually that somebody is the mom. And I looked at her and said, well, that's unexceptable; I don't care to spend my days picking up after everybody else, and I'm not going to do it. So I've made peace with the mess - why don't guys pick up? Either 1. they don't care or 2. they think we will do it. So if we don't do it, and they still don't step up, then they just don't care. And if they don't care, why should I care? So when I look at my messy house, I just remind myself that it is messy because together dh and I have decided we have other priorities right now.

Put yourself on bedrest - why not? Tell him you can keep up your normal routine right now, so you won't be trying to. Don't ask him to do things, just don't do them yourself. If they don't get done, they don't get done. (I know that cat box thing drives me crazy...)
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:24 PM
 
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Oh mama! So sorry for you and angry, as you should be! Tell him if he doesn't get his act together, you'll have a friend or family member come over to help. Maybe he won't want that... enough to get off his BUTT--I'm being extremely nice here!--and do his duty! Yes, his DUTY!

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Old 08-16-2007, 08:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenlaana View Post
Its terrible but I know that the one thing I can actually get him to do is make dinner. He usually wont do it until its like 9pm and DD has eaten way too much snack food to tide her over and is no longer hungry, but he'll do it. For awhile, our agreement was that he was making dinner every night and I would clean up (because me making dinner and him cleaning up does NOT work... he cleans up worse than my 12 yr old)

Just like you, bluefish, he just gets annoyed if I ask him to help and says whatever he thinks will shut me up. If I ask him 4 nights in a row to clean the cat box he will do it on the 4th night. I have to say though that last pregnancy he really started to step up towards the end. This time though... no such luck. If it wasnt so brutally hot here I'd drag him out for a walk. He definitely seems to "reset" when we do that. But sitting on the couch he always falls asleep (maybe he shouldn't be gaming till 1am on work nights?)

I'm bitter today after a fight with him last night (well no, we didnt fight because he pretended I said nothing at all and acted like nothing happened afterwards) he really is a fantastic guy as long as I dont expect him to do anything that requires labor or a request for "work" on his part. Sometimes I wish I was a better homemaker so that I could just handle it all and he could just work and then we'd be happier. I almost can normally but pregnancy is kicking my butt. I just wish I could put myself on bedrest and have everyone around me respect my "doctors orders" lol
Uh sorry, but he's NOT a fantastic guy if he won't do any labor/work in the house, etc! Def. not a good guy in my book. Not that that's all guys are good for, but uh, it's their house/life/marriage/family too YK? , DH!
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:29 PM
 
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This is *so* my problem! And made even worse by the fact that I have had an extremely easy pregnancy. I think it was just in the last month that dh really started noticing that I am pregnant!

One thing we worked out in the first couple years of our marriage is the fact that *I* set the expectations for *myself.* I do not do that whole "my husband expects me to have dinner on the table for him (clean the house, whatever)" thing. I do things for him because I love him - but I do not abide by being expected to do things, and if I have a more pressing need, then that's what gets priority. So pregnancy comes along and I'm tired... I refuse to cook. He walks in the door and I announce - "sorry dude, bad day today, I feel like crap, I'm not cooking - you can make us something or we can have a bowl of cereal." Sometimes he cooks; sometimes we have cereal.

Of course, it goes both ways - I have to make sure I'm not setting expectations for him. If he doesn't want to do the dishes, and I don't want to do the dishes, we don't do them. Yeah, our house is a pit right now But this too shall pass - we aren't slobs. We are just tired parents of 2 babies with another on the way.

As for kids - we split duties - since we have 2 - I take one, he takes the other. If I get my kid down and he still messing around with the other, that's his deal - I go take my bubble bath. If kids cry at night, and I'm too tired, I just pretend I didn't hear, and dh will take care of them. I'm evil; I know

Trying to talk to dh would never work - he'd just get offended - or tell me "I'll help more" and never change a thing. What I described above works for us - even down to affection - dh doesn't naturally just show alot of affection - if I need more affection, then I just have to start giving it and I'll get it back.
Sounds like us, now that we've finally figured that out. I do what I need/want, if DH needs/wants it done, then he can do ut--unless I'm feeling like doing it, which is rare b/c I do everything with DS.
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:37 PM
 
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I think you need to have a little heart-to-heart with your DH.

Yes, being pg isn't an "illness" but it IS a lot of work! You're tired out from caring for the little one that's growing inside you, and you can't possibly do as much work as before. It's not like you can hand the baby to DH and get a break- you're ALWAYS holding the baby!

Remind him that if you push beyond your physical limits, both you and the baby will be less healthy. Explain that he MUST help more around the house for your sake and the baby's sake and for your DD's sake- and THEN get into specifics of what kind of help he needs to provide.

It's not enough to tell him "please try to help me more." You need to make a specific list of things he needs to do and when they need to be done. If you want him to deal with after-dinner cleanup while you care for DD, then explicitly write down what needs doing- cover food, put in fridge, clear table, wipe down counters, sweep floor,load and run dishwasher, scrub pots, etc. not just "clean up from dinner."

If you want him to be more involved with DD at bedtime, tell him "no playing on the computer until she's in bed."

Since you emailed him at work, he may simply not have had time to deal with personal stuff when he recieved it- the two lines he responded with may have been all he had time for. Be sure to bring it up with him again when he gets home.

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Old 08-16-2007, 09:24 PM
 
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Man that has got to be stressful!

I agree remind him about the bP & also that at this point being pg can make a Woman tired & miserable & that's not good for any Man. Besides he is going to need to pick up the help for after baby comes so he might as well get used to that now.

Glad your still feeling confident in yourself, thats the secret to a good labour.
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Old 08-17-2007, 12:46 AM
 
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so what are you going to do?
Fourlittlebirds had some really good suggestions- make food ahead of time, like in the morning-- I know I have plenty of left overs and quick to make-stir fry or saute things- like cooking rice ahead of time- when the kids were younger especially I would cook several days worth of rice at one time and then steam up a portion or stir it in... or stuff you can pop into the oven and cook stuff that can be prepared in a cooler part of the house or another time of the day- as for quieting down kids or sleeping problems-- try some protein for breakfast- and some sort of physical exercise in the day- B vitamins and magnesium for stress and for both of you ---
take care
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:52 AM
 
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We have un plugged time from 6 to 8 for dinner and family. We do phone calls, emails etc before or after. This really helped DH focus on kids/ helping etc.
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Old 08-17-2007, 11:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Last night I was still pretty frustrated so when DH got home I just left DD with him, told him I was going to town and left for awhile. It felt good to get out (I dont generally go out by myself since I'm a SAHM and we live in the boonies w/ 1 car). So he was forced to take care of DD and make dinner without any help from me. The kitchen was a mess when I got back (I just cleaned it before I left) but atleast he fed and cared for her. I'm expecting a gift card in the mail to a shop about an hr from here (from a swap) and I think when it comes I'll go out again by myself. If I cant get him to clean up after himself, I will just leave him alone w/ DD so he's forced to do atleast the child care/cooking himself. (we dont have "quick foods" either so he has to follow recipes ) Its hard to talk to him right now because I'm pissed honestly so not sure how to approach it without being very confrontational which doesnt work. I'm just not going to do anything for him for awhile and see how that goes. He can wash his own clothes and make his own dinner. I kinda have to do the dishes and clean up after us though otherwise I'm the one who has to live in it, since he's oblivious.

I think really the biggest problem is just that pregnancy seems *SO* normal right now, because we are not jumping through hoops with going to doctors appointments, chiro appts, getting prescriptions from the pharmacy all the time, etc. My tummy has grown and my clothes arent fitting so well, but I dont think he's noticed that so much really because we havent made a fuss over the pregnancy. (we also don't have to buy anything at all for the new baby because its another girl)

I will say though that DH does help me once a week if I get him before he gets situated doing something else (like playing online). If I get him moving before he logs on (like 8am) he will help me clean the house top to bottom (well not washing floors/cleaning bathrooms but most everything else albeit he misses corners and skips the worst of the dishes). But I hate having to sit in it for 6 days in between, and if I sleep in because of the pg or whatnot, he just takes that as an invitation for him not to do anything. I hate being his mom too, but before he and I lived together, his apartment should have been condemned because it was so nasty, so I knew what I was getting in to (I wouldn't go any further in than the kitchen, and only that because it was right at the front door and I could get fresh air there while I scrubbed who knows how many years worth of crud off the surfaces) He's spoiled now though, having real food to eat, and clean clothes folded and put in his drawers, so I think he'll suffer if i stop taking 'care' of him.

As for after the baby comes... I've already told him that if he chooses to play online while I am stuck caring for the babies, I want him to just go back to work, because all it does is piss me off when I have to stare at his back while he leaves all the work for me. At least at work he's getting me a paycheck. (he's planning about 5 wks of leave when Victoria comes)
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:14 PM
 
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glad you got some time to yourself. i just wanted to add a suggestion. with my dh it doesn't work to ask him to help more around the house or make chore lists or schedules. Maybe it works a little, but its slow progress. What does work really well is if I notice I am about to do something I don't want to do, like the dishes, and wish he would do, I ask him right that minute if he will do it. "Will you do the dishes?" If I make a very straight forward request right at the moment I want it done he will usually say yes (or maybe after he finishes what he is doing). I think it is because to him if I say I need more help, etc. in general terms this translates to him as complaining and he has an emotional response, like feeling bad for not helping more, or that he isn't a good husband or responsible person or that he has too much to do or i nag too much or all of that. But if I just ask him "Will you wash the dishes?" , it is a straightforward request with no emotional component for him except getting to say ok and feel good about himself.
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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I am sorry you are having a difficult time right now.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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Old 08-17-2007, 04:17 PM
 
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I think that grown people who do computer "gaming" are not what I would call adults. He needs to can that habit. Not that he will. It takes up enormous amounts of time and accomplished nothing. I would take a hard stand against the gaming and demand he get some hobbies that 1) don't take away from family life so much and 2) actually cause him to go out and do something real.

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Old 08-17-2007, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I actually hadnt meant for this to be an anti-DH thread. I was just so frustrated when I posted that it came out that way. I do feel though like having no doctors appointments has a negative impact on how people respond to my pregnancy. Without information to "report" from a doctor, and with so much faith in the body to produce a baby (compared to the "medical condition" that doctors deem pregnancy) there is a tendency to assume things will take care of themselves and that its "no big deal" to be pregnant (atleast in my life...and not just DH, but my parents, sister, etc, although I dont see them enough to care).

I met my husband playing Everquest, so its obvious that I don't agree that its bad to play video games as an adult. I love to play video games just like I love to knit and sew. However I have no choice but to sleep before I play, because my body forces me to these days. They all calm me, and I wouldn't take that from him. I just need him to see that I'm a BIG PREGNANT WOMAN lol and change his routine to accomodate since I have to change mine as well.

I fell in love with and married him knowing what kind of person he is. He is *too* comfortable with how *easy* UC and UP are, and thats the only problem I have really. We will always argue about housework, but he is very good to me in every other way, and understands me more than anyone in the world. I'm still ticked off at him, but I accepted him the way he is when I married him. The reason that I chose to be a SAHM is because I know he is never going to do half of the housework, and I told him from the getgo that if he wanted me to do a large portion of the cooking and cleaning, then I was going to quit my job and stay home, so that I didn't have 2 jobs. I stayed home even before we had any children together. But things are different atm, so I just need him to step up.

Plus he is the one that wanted 2 more children (my son is 12 and after his birth and my miscarriage the next year, I pretty much decided to be done with babies). I dont regret having my beautiful DD, but since it was his idea i guess I expect more out of him.
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Old 08-17-2007, 05:22 PM
 
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I myself didn't get the impression your dh was a bad guy - it sounds like he's tired at the end of the day and wants to decompress and he thinks alot of you and thinks you can handle yourself. I've totally dealt with those things over the past few years. I want dh to believe I can do this, but sometimes I do wish he would dote on me a little bit! I've kind of compensated by being a bit of a drama queen when I need some help - one day last week he came home and I met him holding my head and said "you will have to watch the kids; I have to take a nap." I ran off to my room, put in some ear plugs, and took a 2 hour nap - it was great! Once we had 2 it took a little adjustment, cause dh would come home wanting to decompress, and I was needing to decompress too - I finally impressed upon him that we would both be off duty sooner if we worked together and got the kids fed and in bed. Now we are like the super-parents - both kids go to bed at 8 o'clock!! (Time for another one to come disrupt our schedule!) Another difficulty I am having is I've been pregnant for so much of our marriage that dh has gotten used to it and doesn't consider it a "special" state of being. If I say, you've got to help me here, I'm pregnant - he says "you're always pregnant!" And I say "well, whose fault is that?!" "Well why do you have to be so fertile?!" "Well why do you have to be so potent?!"
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Old 08-17-2007, 05:26 PM
 
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My DH has a car habit and habit it is. It takes time away from our family.

It recently got so bad that he actually promised our 2 yo he would be home to play with her and he never showed up. Literally. At 1pm she started asking for him, at 7pm he was nowhere to be found and hadn't returned phone calls all day (since 9am).

Regardless, I actually called his father and asked him what to do. His father could hear Annabelle crying in the background for her daddy. Usually his dad and I don't get along, but this was serious enough to warrant an asskicking.

So his dad got on the stick and explained things to him, about 2 yo's and promises and how he had heard Annabelle crying and telling him that she was sitting next to the door waiting for her daddy to play.

Soooooo...........while that was long.........if you have someone in his life that will give him a stern talking to that he'll actually listen to.......might be worth it.

He doesn't make promises and break them now at least to Annabelle.

He also admitted that was one horrible talk to have to have his own dad give him and he was pretty ashamed.

I love DH and he's not a horrible guy, sometimes they just need someone with more experience to talk to them.

Liz

Wife, and mother to a small fairy, a demolition expert, a special new someone this fall and a small dachshund.
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Old 08-17-2007, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Another difficulty I am having is I've been pregnant for so much of our marriage that dh has gotten used to it and doesn't consider it a "special" state of being. If I say, you've got to help me here, I'm pregnant - he says "you're always pregnant!" And I say "well, whose fault is that?!" "Well why do you have to be so fertile?!" "Well why do you have to be so potent?!"
lol we have that same conversation, except I just tell him its all his fault and to accept it. It took us 10 mos after we got married to conceive our DD (technically 16 because we started trying when we were engaged), then it took me 15 mos to conceive this baby, so I've been either pg or breastfeeding (aka attached to the hip w/ baby) for 3 years of our 5 yr marriage.

But you hit it right on the head... he wants to come home and decompress. He loves his job but he is not a people person and dealing with them all day long drives him crazy sometimes. Thats why generally I understand why he unwinds as he does.

I wish I had a room I could run to! I would hide away for atleast 2 hours a night, lol. We have a huge house, but our a/c broke and so we're basically sleeping/eating/spending our day all in one "great room" (we had to get some window units because its going to cost over $1000 before insurance kicks in, for our a/c repair).
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Old 08-17-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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Oh dear! I'm an introvert - I would be a basket case if I couldn't get away from everybody!! I hope you can find a way to give you both time to decompress!

What if you fed dd and got her in her PJs before dh came home, then she could just play until bed time, and you wouldn't have to work when you are so tired? Sometimes I like to wait to eat myself til the kids are in bed, so I can actually taste my food!
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Old 08-17-2007, 05:40 PM
 
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I think that grown people who do computer "gaming" are not what I would call adults. He needs to can that habit. Not that he will. It takes up enormous amounts of time and accomplished nothing. I would take a hard stand against the gaming and demand he get some hobbies that 1) don't take away from family life so much and 2) actually cause him to go out and do something real.
first i have to reply to this. i do not 'game' or do anything like 'gaming', so i am not coming from a place of personal defense, ftr. i feel this is a very judgmental statement that could be applied to anyone or any behavior. ( i think people who enjoy organized sports are... , for example!) i dont think it is fair to condemn the computer gaming , when in fact it could be a source of pleasure and rest, just like any hobby. now, in this case it may be excessive, and that's something that a family has to work out. but i couldn't reply to this thread without voicing my response to this.

i wanted to reply, though, and say that past the 1/2 way point in my last (UP/UC) pregnancy, i felt very much the same way, growing in intensity. our situations were not identical, but i very much identify with you.

we are homesteading and the work here is very physical. while i felt for most of the pregnancy like superwoman, i lamented acting that was because closer to the end i needed help and had a serious inner voice telling me i needed to stop. milking a cow, gardening, canning and preserving on my feet all day while nursing two young kids... it finally built up and i had a big confrontation with karl. it wasnt that i made him understand or anything, but the confrontation helped. in tears (when i am pregnant, i cry at anything!) we spent couple of hours in deep discussion, and i found that while i needed help, and he needed to give it to me, the root of the problem wasnt that at all. i had deep, silent fears that he wouldnt let me stop being superwoman once the baby was born. i felt like i had to keep working. but really dh wasnt cracking the whip, it was my own stubborn perfectionist way making me feel like i had to keep on keeping on the whole time.

anyway, the point i am trying to make is, sometimes a good discussion can help. it helped me find out what was really tormenting me and share it with dh, instead of just being grumpy all the time. it helped to hear from dh that he didnt expect so much from me and he wouldnt be mad if i slacked off. and once baby came, karl was amazing. he picked right up where i left off and respected where i was at as a new mama.

best wishes,
tabitha

Hi, I'm Tabitha. I'm a homeschooling mother of four: ds (11) dd (9) ds (7) ds (5) And I'm expecting a fifth in 2014! Find me at http://www.omelay.blogspot.com
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Old 08-18-2007, 01:06 AM
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So I've made peace with the mess - why don't guys pick up? Either 1. they don't care or 2. they think we will do it.

ain't that the truth? my friend realized this, but then decided that she actually wanted to live in a clean house, and so now does do everything.

but like you, i found that arrangement unacceptable. i explained to my husband that this is about taking pride in your things. the things that he values most, such as his running shoes, are in "pristine" condition for "optimal" preformance. he keeps his favorite CDs in most excellent condition.

but, he would allow the dishes to pile up, and then complain when there weren't clean dishes to use when he wanted them to.

he cared about the mess (that is, it bothered him), but he couldn't seem to figure out how to not create mess or decrease mess over time. and, i was not going to be the one picking up after him.

i began to realize early in our relationship that he'd never been involved in indoor chores. his sister joined his mother for indoor chores such as washing dishes, laundry, vaccuming, dusting, etc--while he joined his dad for outdoor chores such as mowing the lawn, washing windows, trimming hedges and the like.

so, when it came to doing things like "cleaning the bathroom"--he had no idea how to do it. it seemed obvious to me, and so i showed him how i did it. it takes me about 20 minutes total to clean a bathroom, and 10 for those little half baths. i'm quick, you know?

so, i sort of put us on a shared schedule of chores--as we had no outdoor chores--and i discovered that he did want to help, because he was raised helping. the thing was, he couldn't get his head around helping inside. he would take out the trash, but that was it. he would wash the windows, but that was it (you know, that quarterly thing).

so, i realized that it wasn't that he didn't care, it was that he really didn't know how and he couldn't put his head around how, no matter how many times i showed him.

and then there was my problem/issue--i kept rescuing him.

honestly, he does play this whiney, needy little boy thing quite a bit. as he's trying something that he's not entirely thrilled to do, and he doesn't really know how to do, he'll start fussing while doing it. it's not a big thing, but he's noisy and will whine "oh, come ON!" at whatever the little thing is--whether it's plugging in the VCR or washing the tub or even washing a dish.

so, my instinct is to get him to shut up and stop whining--so what would i do? i'd say "oh for christsakes, give it to me!" and then do it myself. i was 'rescuing him.'

and how is he supposed to learn these basic skills if i don't allow him to try?

then, i noticed that his parents would do the same thing for him. he ws largely a spoiled child, a golden boy in his household, so anything that he felt was "too hard" or just didn't want to do, he would whine enough and his mom would step in and do it for him.

i was taking over/ repeating that process.

and that also frustrated him at a certain point.

it's really interesting. i noticed around the same time that he did that when he starts to whine and fuss, people step in and take over. and he noticed that when they do this, they disempower him, he still seems like a feckless child, and he feels ashamed that he can't handle these things. and, he doesn't like feeling that way.

so, he started to assert that even when he was frustrated, he didnt' want me or anyone else to take over. and he also began to change the way he approached new projects--instead of whining and fussing when it wasn't going right, he would simply take a deep breath and try again. and when he wanted help, he would ask for it.

how brilliant!

and then this bled into how we maintained the home. i connected that process (learning skills), to how he takes care of and feels about his things. i asked him if he valued our home, our household, and having a household that is clean, organized, and runs smoothly. he does value these things--and he began to see that a clean home, and the skills to maintain a home is the same thing as taking care of his running shoes for 'optimal' performance.

it was then that we divided the chores a little more evenly, and he began to really take charge of certain practices. he still did trash, but took over bunny litter duty as well, as well as certain dish duties. he also does laundry. early on, he also had bathroom duty that we alternated week to week.

and for my part, i would do my part, but not his. and about two years ago or so, it started to break down. he wasn't doing his chores--and i couldn't figure out why. and i was furstrated, because even when he would do those chores, he wouldn't do them at 100%--more like 85%! it was so frustrating. sometimes he wouldn't do them, and he knew that the next week (when we alternated), i would do those chores anyway.

and then i felt like i was doing everything--which was the LAST thing that i wanted. so unless he did his chores, i wouldn't do mine.

and that brought us a huge mess--back the way it was way-back-when. the way that frustrated both of us!

so, i started thinking about this--why was this happening?

i looked closely and realized that my husband was doing a lot. we were moving into living on one income (his), so he was working his "day job" for this. he also put his "dream job" work into high-gear. he wasnt' getting paid to do it yet, but he was working really hard--hours every nite. he also felt that it was important--for stress relief and health--that he get his work outs in twice a week. I valued these things too.

then i looked at my life. while not pregnant or raising a child, i noticed that i was only working 1 job. yes, it's a job that keeps me very busy and involves a lot of work--but not as much as DH.

i decided i needed to put in "sweat equity" into our home. i needed to figure out what that meant to me, and how much i felt was fair, and what my husband thought of this.

so he comes home from work, and i present the idea. he feels excited, but also doesn't want to over burden me with house work. i realize that i need to carry a little bit more of the home weight if we're going to ahve a house that 'runs optimally' (btw, it doesn't, but it's not bad. ).

so, he says that he's going to maintain trash duty, some laundry duty, and some dish duty. he's also going to do bunny duty on trash days, to make sure that all of that gets out on those two days. i think this is great.

i decided to take care of the rest. and it works well.

and you know what's cool about it. every once in a while, he'll clean the kitchen or bathroom to that 85%. i'll go into the room ready to do the weekly 100% cleaning, and i see that i only have to do 15%! usually, i call him and thank him profusely.

since it's been this way, the house is really running smoothly. it's just going so well.

it really can work out. but i know it's going to be different for everyone.
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Old 08-18-2007, 02:17 AM
 
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i feel this is a very judgmental statement that could be applied to anyone or any behavior. ( i think people who enjoy organized sports are... , for example!) i dont think it is fair to condemn the computer gaming , when in fact it could be a source of pleasure and rest, just like any hobby.
I agree with you 100%.
Any hobby can take you away from your family and become all consuming. Its about limits not the hobby itself.
My husband is a big gamer nerd. I'm not. So I'm coming from a place where sometimes I want to smash all the games and throw them away... but when I feel like that I know its time to talk about stuff not just make such a cut and dry
'me or the games' type of statement. Thats not fair at all.


Jen, I didnt think your husband was a bad guy either.
I think that if you need to rest more, you should tell him you need to rest more, and then DO IT. Thats one of the great things about UPing, you dont need a doctor to order it to you. you know you need it so you should do it. If that means he has to pick up slack for a little while then he needs to understand that. (just as he would if a dr. ordered it)

Zoe, your post was huge and long but I loved reading it. just the nuances and differences in peoples day to day lives amuse me I suppose. It was nice reading how you two learned to make it work together
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Old 08-18-2007, 02:39 AM
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het:

i'm working on keeping things short.

this is one of those things that i'm curious about in myself, and passionate about too. because i'm still trying to figure it out, to find the balance, i find that i write a lot.

thanks for reading it, even though it was very long.
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Old 08-18-2007, 04:45 AM
 
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The next time you have asked him to do something and he gets online instead, take a rolled up paper and smack him on the back of the head, or use a water gun if you want to be less violent. It might work!

Do you make him lunch for work, do his laundry? Fill up his underwear drawer with adult diapers, and pack jars of baby food in is lunch. Then when he asks what the UAviolation is going on, tell him that you will stop treating him like a child when he stops acting like one.

That's pretty good right?

I just have no patience when I hear this crap that some partners are pulling lately. It makes me mad. I am not a teenager anymore, I expect my adult relationships to be just that. When dh and I are slacking on our partnership responsibilities we call each other on it, straight up. And yeah, it pisses me off when I get an, "um, are you going to do a load of whites for me, or will you be too busy chating with the biddies(which is what he affectionately us on MDC) all day?" but he's right! Just like it pisses him off when I stack empty boxes by the front door to remind him taking out the garbage is his job, but again I'm right! If I am feeling bad, or sick of dd's crap then I ask for help, or a break and I get it, and the same is true for him. I would lose my cool in such a serious way if I it were otherwise!

Relationships aren't just about love and companionship, they are about sharing life's work. Life takes a lot of friggin' work!

You guys are all way nicer and have way more patience with your spouses than I would!

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

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Old 08-18-2007, 04:49 AM
 
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zoebird-

you should be a shrink, that post was awesome!

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

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