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Old 09-23-2007, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...get your DH on board with UC?

Mine is pretty much refusing to "let me" UC. I know its my choice and I've already told him so, but I want to know how you got you DH on board if he was against it like mine is. I don't know how to show him how strongly I feel about doing this alone (i.e. without outside assitance.) I think most of it is fear on his side, but I don't know how to alleviate it. Any advice is welcome

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-23-2007, 04:30 PM
 
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Maybe you need to put the onus of researching what a safe birth requires on him, and tell him the default will be your having a UC. *If* he bothers researching, he might find he feels most comfortable with, say, a midwife, then you can open up the conversation from that point on.

Also, you probably ought to talk to him about "emergency childbirth" and how UCs happen even when people aren't planning on them. It really is wise to know what to do if certain situations arise. It might help alleviate his fears to see that police and firefighters and shrimp boat captains deliver babies and they aren't trained professionals.

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Old 09-23-2007, 04:47 PM
 
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My husband respects my right to make decisions regarding my own body. There was no convincing necessary. It's his personality, and IMO, logic. Why should it be his decision?

He also learned a great deal about pregnancy and birth from me. Knowledge is power. Have him read Laurie Morgan's book.

Oh yeah-and ITA that it should be on him to convince you, not the other way around. What the woman wants should always be the default (whether that is UC or elective cesarean; it's her body). It's his baby too, but as long as the baby is inside the mother, she gets the extra vote.

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Old 09-23-2007, 05:07 PM
 
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I am having an issue with this right now, too. My dh told me last night he thinks it's a "very bad idea". So I am trying to find the money and a midwife to ease his fears. He is diabetic, and worried about keeping the kids under control. He also has no healthcare experience and said if he saw even a drop of blood, he'd call 911. *rolls eyes*

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Old 09-23-2007, 05:07 PM
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i agree witht he previous two. my husband was on board from the get-go. he loves the idea of UC and is very supportive.

but, if he weren't, i'd assert this as my decision, and i would also ask him to do his own research on it. if he doesn't research and convince me that another option is better, then my choice is default.
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Old 09-23-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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my DH lets me make all the decisions about my body as well

but if you are having a hard time getting yours on board i'd agree to have him do some research of his own showing you why its not safe

Megan-loving wife to my high school sweet heart 9.24.2005 and AP mama to my big boy biggrinbounce.gif 12.14.2006, homebirth.jpglittle sister 5.27.2009 andhomebirth.jpg baby sister 8.31.11

 

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Old 09-23-2007, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies

I have a "meet and greet" with a midwife tomorrow just for him (he will be there too.) I'm hoping he'll totally not like her (I've never met her) and I'll get my way w/o fear he'll pull something crazy come "labor" day.

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-23-2007, 07:22 PM
 
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my dh isn't on board either... i've had all my babies at home with a m/w, but this is his first altogether... homebirth doesn't phase him, it's the UC idea that does... he told me:
"I don't want to get 'stuck' with you expecting me to do all the things a midwife does, and I just don't know how."
Fair enough...
I asked him if he would read the Emergency Childbirth Book, because, well, we live 1 hour from the midwife and at least that far from the nearest hospital. The road between us has been KNOWN to shut down for hours because of weather, the only way "out" would be by helicopter.
My last labor was only 5 hours...
"ANYTHING could happen honey, even if we DON'T plan a UC."
He said, "Yeah, I'll read it."
well, you ladies can see where I'm going with this...

I have always wanted to catch my own baby, but I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the physical labor support of the midwives... I OBVIOUSLY can't depend on dh for that stuff... I am unsure what I will do when it comes time... I am seeing a homebirth midwife, but I am not dead set on calling her when it comes "time"...
My plan right now is to just see what happens THEN and what feels right. In the LEAST, i'm going to have a hb... and I have no complaints about previous experiences. DH IS getting the bare minimum education about UC, regardless.
I believe it IS my choice, and since I'm not giving him a lot of "choice" in the matter ultimately, I don't think it would be fair to demand he sit here beside me and press on my back and wipe my forehead or cut a cord or anything else if he's not comfortable in that role.
I know he wants to be there when the baby comes, but as of this writing, he has NO desire to be the one to catch. He wants to be a spectator. That too is fine with me.
So... that's my story, so I know what it's like to not have dh on board.
I figure it will come down to how much labor support I end up needing/wanting, and how long my labor lasts on whether I have a UC or m/w attended hb... that will be the REAL deciding factor, not my dh's uneducated opinion. :

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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Old 09-23-2007, 07:25 PM
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When I told him the only home birth midwife in our area cost almost $3000 and our insurance wouldn't pay any of it, and that the midwife was mean and bossy and seemed very intervention-ist. We agreed that we would rather have a free birth in the hospital and be treated like crap than pay someone $3000 to be treated like crap. But we both agree no hospital, no way. So UC it is!
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Old 09-23-2007, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have problems asserting myself on things like this. That's my biggest problem. I'm thinking of maybe talking him into letting me birth alone and if I need the midwife then we'll call. Have her as a standby if things become too much.

I'm thinking about using a scenario on him... If he had a tumor (I know babies and tumors have no similarity, but go with me) and they said you can have surgery and have it out tomorrow or you can wait and see if it'll get better on its own. And you said you wanted to wait, but I wanted you to have the surgery just so we wouldn't have to worry what would you do? Do what I wanted to make me happy? Or do what you think is best for you personally as well as for the well being of the family?

Sound like food for thought?

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-23-2007, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starry_mama View Post
When I told him the only home birth midwife in our area cost almost $3000 and our insurance wouldn't pay any of it, and that the midwife was mean and bossy and seemed very intervention-ist. We agreed that we would rather have a free birth in the hospital and be treated like crap than pay someone $3000 to be treated like crap. But we both agree no hospital, no way. So UC it is!
Sadly I wish I could use this excuse, but we are getting medicaid and in FL they cover Midwives. In fact I've heard by law in the state of Florida if your insurance will cover a hospital birth they have to cover a midwife attended HB. So I have no foot to stand on with that one :

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-23-2007, 07:36 PM
 
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it was a journey we both agreed to take together. we learned together and grew to understand the absurdity of medicalized birth and simplicity of uc. After the 1st birth in a hospital- we agreed to do it better the next time, and learned that uc was the only way to birth our way.

Mama to 5 babies. UCer, too!
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Old 09-23-2007, 09:29 PM
 
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I think the cancer/birth analogy is very weak but just for the sake of argument, I would treat it the same way. I would take opinions of those around me into account but in the end I'd do what felt right for me. Surgery/chemo (like hospital birth) would be a last resort.

As for expecting husbands to be midwives, nothing could've been further from the truth for me. My husband had to do WAY more work for my non-UC. with my UC, I was in control and I had all the power, and I needed very little.

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Old 09-23-2007, 10:05 PM
 
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He was supportive about anything I felt I was going to be the best route for meand baby. But because I see thaqt this was our pregnancy, labor, and birth I wanted him to be just as comfortable and confident as I was about the UC desicion.

So I read some homebirth stories to him and he really enjoyed how positive they made birth seem (which it is!) Then he got into it and wanted to research more about homebirth then gradually UC. I felt even safer and filled with more love cause the blessed event was trully going to be a family afair.
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Old 09-23-2007, 11:39 PM
 
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i don't think he took me as serious for quite a while.

it tooks lots of talking (me doing the talking )

there wasn't any one thing that i said. i guess he finally realized that i wasn't going to have a midwife homebirth (like we had originally planned) and I definately wasn't going to the hospital. i guess he just knew that there wasn't much he could do about it.

and btw, he finally read "emergency childbirth" and did some last minute research online while i was in hard labor-nothing like waiting till the last minute!

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Old 09-24-2007, 03:26 AM
 
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I am pretty much in the same boat. This is a topic that I want resolved even before I get pregnant with #2. But I don't even know where to start to get him to understand why I will choose UC. My H can be very stuck in his ways..just as I am in mine.. and he thinks that UC is "dangerous". Oy: It mayb take some time to just feed him the information and research. I can tell him he needs to research but i know he wont..:

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Old 09-24-2007, 05:48 AM
 
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It was a process for us. At first he wasn't sold on homebirth with a midwife. Then he went to OB appointments with me and realized it all sucked. So he agreed that a midwife was the way to go. Even the midwife made sure he really was OK with it all. And so we had a homebirth for the 2nd baby.

We just assumed homebirth for the next pregnancy. Since then I'd become a doula and also shared the neat and "scary" facts. You should hear him "preach childbirth" now So we did a lot of thinking/praying/discussion about UC and he was on board after reading more on his own. He knew our options were UC or a C-section so it was a no-brainer for him. And now after the UC, he's like, why didn't we do with with all of the kids?!?

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Old 09-25-2007, 12:12 PM
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you could try humor:

"Next time, when you're pregnant and giving birth, you can decide how it happens."
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Old 09-25-2007, 12:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well we had our appt. with the midwives yesterday and they were really nice. I was very polite, asked questions, and kept my opinions to myself. DH at that point thought he had gotten his way.

I got pretty upset because he kept making little comments on how it was his house and this is how he wants things....yeah no.

I laid it out for him this morning. I told him its my body and I'm gonna do what I want to do. I told him I understand he has worries and concerns, but we can research and find things out before we start going forth with things that I don't want. I gave him the tumor scenario and he promised he'll keep an open mind and we'll talk and research it when he gets home.

It's a small step but in the right direction!!

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-25-2007, 12:31 PM
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his house and how he wants things?

homes are partnerships, not dictatorships. good grief!
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Old 09-25-2007, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah he talks big in front of his buddies. Don't ya know he's been set perfectly straight on that point

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-25-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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Men!

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Old 09-25-2007, 02:46 PM
 
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My dh was dead-set against uc at the beginning, and he does NOT respond well to confrontational tactics. Me informing him that it was my body and he would just have to deal with it would have seriously affected our marriage – because even though YES it is my body and I get to make the decisions, my decisions about my health directly and STRONGLY impact my family. He was seriously terrified that something would happen to me and/or the baby, and as a result we might be found negligent, which would leave him without a wife and/or baby AND potentially without our other child. Also, as some other posters mentioned, dh was afraid that I wanted him to be a midwife. That being said …

He was okay with mw-assisted hb, but we had a terrible time finding a hb mw who would travel to our area. Once we found one, he liked her, but my gut told me she was FAR more medical/interventionist than I wanted. She required tests, that required ob-referral, who required monitoring, that led to … you get the picture. The more I went along, the worse things got, and dh finally realized that it was the INTERVENTION that was causing the problems. (Case in point: I was diagnosed as GD. I was given very strict BG numbers to meet and told under no uncertain terms if I couldn’t do it, I would be put on insulin. The more they threatened, the higher my numbers went. The DAY that DH agreed to the uc, my BG plummeted to normal levels and stayed there.)

What clinched the deal for him was the part in Emergency Childbirth (I left it laying around for him to “find”) that said that a bright 8 year old could deliver a baby. LOL

That was a long, LONG way of saying, it's almost DEFINITELY fear that's tripping him up. You just have to help him work through the fears by providing information and reassurance. Also, it may help to be very specific in telling him what you want of him.

HTH ...

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Old 09-25-2007, 03:53 PM
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here's the thing. while i recognize that my decisions about my health directly and strongly affect my family as a whole, that doesn't mean that i necessarily have to 'give in to' or what have you what other family members want for me.

when i make a decision for myself, i recognize what it's impact on others might be. i include that in the process. therefore, i expect family members to trust that when i've made a decision for myself, i've already considered them and how that decision will impact them.

i'm willing to answer questions/fears about things such as "dh being the midwife" and "scared that something might happen to me" and "being responsible for the birth, being negligent, and loosing to CPS"--but it should be noted that i've already considered these things in the decision making process AND i'm willing to talk to him about these things if he needs it.

but that i'm n ot changing my mind because of his fears and his inability to consider what my needs are in light of or in spite of those other considerations.
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Old 09-25-2007, 04:59 PM
 
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I'm SO not trying to derail this thread, but ....
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
i'm willing to answer questions/fears about things such as "dh being the midwife" and "scared that something might happen to me" and "being responsible for the birth, being negligent, and loosing to CPS"--but it should be noted that i've already considered these things in the decision making process AND i'm willing to talk to him about these things if he needs it.

but that i'm n ot changing my mind because of his fears and his inability to consider what my needs are in light of or in spite of those other considerations.
Yes to all of that. For me, though, it was important to recognize the way my dh processes information and work within that framework. And, to be perfectly honest, I tend to gloss over details when we have big discussions. And little discussions. And small talk. It drives him bonkers, but I'm a "big picture" kinda gal. I also have a habit of thinking that, because I've gone over stuff in my head, that means I told him. I really, really admire the way you describe how you and your dh make decisions together, etc., but we just don't function that way.

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Old 09-25-2007, 05:34 PM
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heathenmom:

i get what you are saying, and i wasn't criticising your process. i was trying to assert that even though the partner has valid fears and what not, it doesn't mean that going into prenatal care and going through that whole process is going to be ok or ultimately convince him of the rightness of one's original choice.

sometimes, it's important to simply assert that it's been considered, to discuss the details, and avoid the furstration of all of those tests and doctors appoinments. of course, my husband would know that i would hve had it day one and called it quits. lol

i'm very stubborn.
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Old 09-25-2007, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well we had our big talk.

He got out a lot of things that were on his mind and I got out what was on mine. He admitted that the midwives would be there just for him. I told him that if that was the case his job would be keeping them out of the room I am. If I decide I need them they are there, but if I don't want them they aren't near me. They become his responsibility not mine.

This is not by any means the end, but I'm willing to compromise to this point because I want him to be able to relax and enjoy the birth of our child just as much as I want to. We still have 20(+/-) weeks until this kiddo arrives, so who knows what will happen, but at least now I don't feel like I'm being forced into anything and he doesn't feeling like I don't care how he feels or thinks.

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-25-2007, 06:09 PM
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i think the next step might be simply having them 'on call' rather than in the other room. they'll still be available for you if you want/need them, and he'll have that peace of mind as well.
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Old 09-25-2007, 08:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i think the next step might be simply having them 'on call' rather than in the other room. they'll still be available for you if you want/need them, and he'll have that peace of mind as well.
I'm hoping to get to that point, but right now I don't want to push him too far too soon ya know? I feel good at this point and at least can visit the midwives without feeling bitter towards them for reasons that have nothing to do with them!

-:¦:-♥Sarah Lynne♥-:¦:-Wife to Michael and Mommy to Austin(5), Steven(3), Tristyn(1), and Laurelyn (6/3/2011)

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Old 09-25-2007, 11:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mommy2Austin View Post
I'm hoping to get to that point, but right now I don't want to push him too far too soon ya know? I feel good at this point and at least can visit the midwives without feeling bitter towards them for reasons that have nothing to do with them!
If your dh is anything like mine, just letting him get used to the idea (this took WEEKS with dh) will go a long way.

I'm glad you feel good about things.

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