Emotional rambelings from a crazy pregnant lady... - Mothering Forums
1 2  3  ... Last
Unassisted Childbirth > Emotional rambelings from a crazy pregnant lady...
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 09:15 PM 11-24-2007
More or less. *sigh*

Can someone please tell me what I can get out of a midwives care than I can't give myself? I've been chatting with a midwife locally & am set to meet with her. This goes against everything I want, really. And part of me figures, well...heck, just go see an OB then. I have a really hard time seeing the difference...I have UC in my heart. I want to birth alone. But is there not some point where you say - hey, um, I may be doing something really reckless here? Or, on the flip side, maybe I just need to turn my computer off? There's alot of discussion on this forum about listening to your instinct. Mine tells me I'm fine & can do this. (For anyone not following, I'm planning a UCA4C, I am now 21 weeks along.) Then I surf around & read about what a horrible choice I am making and am a disaster waiting to happen. What's the deal? Please, for the love of God, don't tell me to "look within" or some such thing. There's a place for that, there's also a place for logic. Really, maybe I am too focused on the goal of a normal birth when the FOCUS should be a safe mode of entry. I do sincerely believe that can happen right here at home or I wouldn't entertain the idea...but, I dunno...if I didn't have some lingering doubt maybe all the chatter *out there* wouldn't bother me. Maybe my problem is with the way I view midwifery. I came to all these conclusions (I can VBAC, etc) by convincing myself interventions caused all my past crap. I know that's true, but maybe I just swung too far in the other direction? Lots of moms have VBACs after multile sections...that's a fact. But I question weather I, alone, would know if something were going wrong. The simple fact that I have really long pregnancies is enough to make me kind'a nervous. Yeah, I know, it's all "normal"...but well, not always. I can honestly see me going well beyond 43 weeks, I have before. That makes me uncomfortable.

Does any of this make any sence? What is a logical next step? Hire a midwife? It sure beats the heck out of showing up at the ER is full on disaster mode, all alone. No?

I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret posting this, but have at it. This has been such a struggle & journey for me, I just don't want to make any emotional or just plain wrong choices.



KariM's Avatar KariM 09:34 PM 11-24-2007


My first thoughts when reading your post is if I were you, I'd identify the fears I had - in specifics.

I'd take the time to list them all out and then I'd do some thinking and writing and come up with things *I* would be able to do in response to those fears.

What will a midwife do that you can't do? Are you wanting the companionship and reassurance?

My VBAC was only after 1 c-section and I did choose to have a midwife. Looking back I wish I hadn't. I didn't need her there (honestly didn't want her there once she arrived) and she did NOTHING but interfere with the birth and make it longer and harder.

I hope you're able to find some peace soon!
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 09:41 PM 11-24-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by KariM View Post


My first thoughts when reading your post is if I were you, I'd identify the fears I had - in specifics.

I'd take the time to list them all out and then I'd do some thinking and writing and come up with things *I* would be able to do in response to those fears.

What will a midwife do that you can't do? Are you wanting the companionship and reassurance?

My VBAC was only after 1 c-section and I did choose to have a midwife. Looking back I wish I hadn't. I didn't need her there (honestly didn't want her there once she arrived) and she did NOTHING but interfere with the birth and make it longer and harder.

I hope you're able to find some peace soon!
I did actually take it all apart. That was a condition of TTCing. I conquered them, or so I thought. I dunno...I still think so. It's just hard to read that people think you're risking your baby's life to get your way. YK? It's not about that, really. I'm willing to have the section, if NEEDED. Totally willing.

And I don't want anyone there, I REALLY don't. It will, among other things, just give me yet another birth experience I didn't want.

At more than halfway through though, I feel I NEED to make a decision. :

Thanks for the reply!
LavenderMae's Avatar LavenderMae 09:50 PM 11-24-2007
I've been the ob route twice and this last time I had prenatal care with a midwife. There was a difference in my experience. The midwife care was more personal and she didn't talk down to me or treat me like I was a two year old. I found midwife prenatal care to be a better experience than I had with the Obs (which I didn't care for at all). I wanted to add that there were negatives with the midwife too but I don't feel comfortable discussing them here.

It is very hard not to let outside things make you second guess yourself and not make you fearful. Our birth culture is firmly planted in fear.

I guess I would try really hard not to read/listen too the negative things so you can make a clear decision that isn't based on other people's fears and judgments. I know what those things are though and honestly it would be hard for me to ignore too.
I do not know a lot about repeat c-sections and what that entails for future births so I don't even have an opinion about your situation (that sounds cold but I really don't mean it that way at all). I do know that I wish you much clarity and peace in whatever decision you make.
Seie's Avatar Seie 10:13 PM 11-24-2007
I completely understand your dilemma. You freaking DESERVE your UC after all those sections but I see why you worry. It would be alarming if you DIDNT worry.. I wish I had some really good advice for you..
Sending lots of positive vibes and wishes of strenght to make this difficult decision. Whatever you choose we are here to listen and hug
Lizzie9984's Avatar Lizzie9984 10:53 PM 11-24-2007
Ya know what? It sounds like you know darn well what you want, but you might be a little hung up on the mainstream medical community's social expectations. I have those hang-ups myself, I'm going to fight tooth and nail for a VBAC one way or the other, be it here at home (if I can manage an "ooooops! event" with my hubby's opposition) or in a hospital. I'm so glad that even at 42 weeks 2 days at this point that both my mom and hubby are adamant that this baby will come out on his/her own when they're damn good and ready, and that they both believe there's no reason to rush a damn thing. I've read the scare tactics with "overdue VBACers", but I've also read the statistics, and really don't believe those tactics match up with the stats---If I went in and got induced now, which the medical community seems to have little problem with doing even though the bad outcomes skyrocket with us VBACers when we're "overdue", the chances of say, getting a pit induction and then having a uterine rupture is statistically higher through that route than simply being overdue and NOT being induced going for a VBAC. I try my absolute hardest to ignore those idiotic scare tactics, remember that I have full support in this house for going my OWN route (not the medical community's) and remembering that the majority of favorable statistics are actually in MY favor and stomp on the stats of interventions.

Try thinking this little phrase once in a while, it works for me
"I am not a mouse, I do not squeak. I am a woman, and you will go deaf hearing me roar!"
Intertwined's Avatar Intertwined 12:02 AM 11-25-2007
So you want logic? Well then, try to find some! What are your real risks of rupture? I have no earthly idea, but surely there are some stats, somewhere? I like to have real numbers to look at, too. I'm not a VBACer, so I cannot really understand the fears. Not from the inside, anyway. I always wonder at women planning repeat sections after one. The risk of rupture is like .08%....which is .02% higher than if you have never had a cut in your uterus. They tell me that the 'risk was just too high for me' and I sort of just stare at them. Huh? Don't get that.

Sorry, rambling. What I'm getting at is:

Can you get your hands on your real life risks of uterine rupture after 4 c-sections?

After you see what those risks look like, can you be OK not having some kind of monitoring by a professional?

If not, do you feel that a homebirth MW is capable of helping you or do you desire an OB's care?

It really doesn't matter what me, the other UCers on this board, or the rest of the Mainstream Internet Pregnancy Community would tell you THEY would do. It only matters what YOU are most comfortable doing. Who gives a crud if so and so here thinks you should UC or if so and so over there thinks you are a selfish asshat who is only trying to get an "experience" out of this.

There are inherent risks to birth, just like there are risks to driving a car, walking on the sidewalk, and basically anything involving breathing and a heartbeat. No guarantees anywhere, Mama.
rutabega's Avatar rutabega 12:07 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
I can honestly see me going well beyond 43 weeks, I have before. That makes me uncomfortable.
What about that makes you uncomfortable?
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:11 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inca View Post
You freaking DESERVE your UC after all those sections
Yeah...
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:13 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzie9984 View Post
Ya know what? It sounds like you know darn well what you want, but you might be a little hung up on the mainstream medical community's social expectations. I have those hang-ups myself, I'm going to fight tooth and nail for a VBAC one way or the other, be it here at home (if I can manage an "ooooops! event" with my hubby's opposition) or in a hospital. I'm so glad that even at 42 weeks 2 days at this point that both my mom and hubby are adamant that this baby will come out on his/her own when they're damn good and ready, and that they both believe there's no reason to rush a damn thing. I've read the scare tactics with "overdue VBACers", but I've also read the statistics, and really don't believe those tactics match up with the stats---If I went in and got induced now, which the medical community seems to have little problem with doing even though the bad outcomes skyrocket with us VBACers when we're "overdue", the chances of say, getting a pit induction and then having a uterine rupture is statistically higher through that route than simply being overdue and NOT being induced going for a VBAC. I try my absolute hardest to ignore those idiotic scare tactics, remember that I have full support in this house for going my OWN route (not the medical community's) and remembering that the majority of favorable statistics are actually in MY favor and stomp on the stats of interventions.

Try thinking this little phrase once in a while, it works for me
"I am not a mouse, I do not squeak. I am a woman, and you will go deaf hearing me roar!"

Yup...you get it.

rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:17 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chantelhayes View Post
So you want logic? Well then, try to find some! What are your real risks of rupture? I have no earthly idea, but surely there are some stats, somewhere? I like to have real numbers to look at, too. I'm not a VBACer, so I cannot really understand the fears. Not from the inside, anyway. I always wonder at women planning repeat sections after one. The risk of rupture is like .08%....which is .02% higher than if you have never had a cut in your uterus. They tell me that the 'risk was just too high for me' and I sort of just stare at them. Huh? Don't get that.

Sorry, rambling. What I'm getting at is:

Can you get your hands on your real life risks of uterine rupture after 4 c-sections?

After you see what those risks look like, can you be OK not having some kind of monitoring by a professional?

If not, do you feel that a homebirth MW is capable of helping you or do you desire an OB's care?

It really doesn't matter what me, the other UCers on this board, or the rest of the Mainstream Internet Pregnancy Community would tell you THEY would do. It only matters what YOU are most comfortable doing. Who gives a crud if so and so here thinks you should UC or if so and so over there thinks you are a selfish asshat who is only trying to get an "experience" out of this.

There are inherent risks to birth, just like there are risks to driving a car, walking on the sidewalk, and basically anything involving breathing and a heartbeat. No guarantees anywhere, Mama.

Sorry for all these snippets, multi-quote is messed up for me for some reason.

Anyway....
I have the numbers. I am OK with the numbers. I am amazed others aren't.*sigh* The thing is...that's not what this is about. It's just - what's the word - maybe intimidating and a little depressing to hear people say you're doing something SO "out there" that it makes you wonder if you're making poor judgements. The whole "If so many say this thing, I should perhaps reexamine..." Maybe I am missing something? That sort of thing.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:19 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by rutabega View Post
What about that makes you uncomfortable?
That, perhaps, without any assistance I will be unable to see a developing problem.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:22 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheacoby View Post
Our birth culture is firmly planted in fear.
A big : ! Sadly.
Intertwined's Avatar Intertwined 12:22 AM 11-25-2007
OK, I see what you're saying.

Boy have I BEEN THERE! Not related to birth specifically, but to vaccinations. I get cold feet periodically and DH has to restrain me from running to the nearest mainstream ped and injecting them all at once. Sigh.

Stop talking to them. Stop lurking and posting on unsupportive boards. You're OK with your risks and that's all that matters. THEY don't have to push the baby out. These are many of the same women who walk into a hospital and accept every intervention in the book with glee. They put their babies at risk every day.

Examine why they feel that way? Because VBAC after one c-section has become so incredibly rare. Much less two. Or three. Four is just not heard of. Too many women are scared after just the first.

It's hard to walk the path less traveled. It's harder still to walk the one NEVER taken.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:44 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chantelhayes View Post
OK, I see what you're saying.

Boy have I BEEN THERE! Not related to birth specifically, but to vaccinations. I get cold feet periodically and DH has to restrain me from running to the nearest mainstream ped and injecting them all at once. Sigh.

Stop talking to them. Stop lurking and posting on unsupportive boards. You're OK with your risks and that's all that matters. THEY don't have to push the baby out. These are many of the same women who walk into a hospital and accept every intervention in the book with glee. They put their babies at risk every day.

Examine why they feel that way? Because VBAC after one c-section has become so incredibly rare. Much less two. Or three. Four is just not heard of. Too many women are scared after just the first.

It's hard to walk the path less traveled. It's harder still to walk the one NEVER taken.
You're definately right about that...thank you.
seattlemamma's Avatar seattlemamma 12:46 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Can someone please tell me what I can get out of a midwives care than I can't give myself?
I think the only thing, based on your post, is that maybe you can get prenatal care from someone with easier access to medical care. Maybe peace of mind in case you feel at some point that it is time for intervention.

There is a really good article about your fears on birthecology. Your Trust Determines your Birth!!!
http://birthecology.squarespace.com/...our-birth.html
L&IsMama's Avatar L&IsMama 12:49 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
I have the numbers. I am OK with the numbers. I am amazed others aren't.*sigh* The thing is...that's not what this is about. It's just - what's the word - maybe intimidating and a little depressing to hear people say you're doing something SO "out there" that it makes you wonder if you're making poor judgements. The whole "If so many say this thing, I should perhaps reexamine..." Maybe I am missing something? That sort of thing.
I saw this on new posts....and I have to say this: Ya know...(sorry, had to) Who cares what others are okay with. We make decisions every day that "most people" say are out there, or wrong, like not vaxing, homeschooling, circ, BFing, etc, etc, etc. You do not second guess those, right? You are not missing anything. "They" are. That is all...I am going back to lurking.

And congrats, btw.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:49 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by seattlemamma View Post
I think the only thing, based on your post, is that maybe you can get prenatal care from someone with easier access to medical care. Maybe peace of mind in case you feel at some point that it is time for intervention.

There is a really good article about your fears on birthecology. Your Trust Determines your Birth!!!
http://birthecology.squarespace.com/...our-birth.html
Yeah, I agree with you. That CAN be worth something to me. Thanks for the link, checking it out now.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 12:51 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by L&IsMama View Post
I saw this on new posts....and I have to say this: Ya know...(sorry, had to) Who cares what others are okay with. We make decisions every day that "most people" say are out there, or wrong, like not vaxing, homeschooling, circ, BFing, etc, etc, etc. You do not second guess those, right? You are not missing anything. "They" are. That is all...I am going back to lurking.

And congrats, btw.

Thank you, I appreciate that.
kittywitty's Avatar kittywitty 01:39 AM 11-25-2007
I agree, who cares what everyone else thinks. Everyone thinks I'm freaking nuts. Be proud of who you are and know that there are many of us who respect your decisions. I have many fears, too, that I am working on. Slowly, they have been working themselves out.



Just look within.


















: Couldn't help it.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 01:57 AM 11-25-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by kittywitty View Post
I agree, who cares what everyone else thinks. Everyone thinks I'm freaking nuts. Be proud of who you are and know that there are many of us who respect your decisions. I have many fears, too, that I am working on. Slowly, they have been working themselves out.



Just look within.


















: Couldn't help it.
Hey!


Thanks!
alegna's Avatar alegna 02:22 AM 11-25-2007
Is there a midwife in your area who would be open to you calling if you have questions? In some areas they exist, not so much in others. Maybe if you felt like there was a "safety net" if you wanted/needed it, you could let yourself stop what-ifing.



-Angela
crunchymomof2's Avatar crunchymomof2 02:50 AM 11-25-2007
Explore the midwifery route if you want. Sometimes you have to do that. You could even interview a few ob's (without an exam or anything). With my ubac I went to a Dr at 22 weeks or so to get him to order me an ultrasound. He said he wanted me to talk to him so I'd know who he was if I changed my mind. OMG did that ever remind me of what i really wanted. lol. Sometimes you have to try on different decisions to see what you want.
ccohenou's Avatar ccohenou 02:03 PM 11-25-2007
I think I've shared my thoughts about this before, but: having a calm, confident voice of experience there with you, or at least available to you if you want it, *could* serve your goal of having a vbac and a homebirth. I think there can be a legitimate worry sometimes that having a midwife will mean you get scared or pressured by the midwife into transferring. But honestly, I think it is really more likely that a competent, birth-trusting midwife will be able to reassure you so that you *don't* transfer if it's not necessary. I know it happened for me.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 02:05 PM 11-25-2007
Thanks all! :


Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
Is there a midwife in your area who would be open to you calling if you have questions?
I have one in mind...I'll be meeting with her in the next week or so. She seems perfect & - at least via email - seems to believe in my ability to birth. A HUGE plus is she LITERALLY lives around the corner from me!

I think having someone "on call" if needed would be a good thing. I did flat out tell her I wanted a UC & she's supportive of that.

So, what would this be..."UC with benefits?" Teehee, yeah, I'm dumb...feeling better today though.
accountclosed3's Avatar accountclosed3 02:08 PM 11-25-2007
lemme be logical with you.

i am a major risk manager, a major fear manager. i need facts, figures, plans and back up plans, i need contengency and exit plans, i need to run down every ridiculous avenue.

AND i go entirely on intuition.

in tuition in tuition tuition means learning, in the process of learning--using all of my faculty to learn.

so, my process is simple:

1. forget everyone's freakin' negativity and fear mongering. i don't go for that and goodness knows that i have enough of my own fears that i don't need to take on theirs.

2. get adept at reading subtext so that you can see number 1 when it crops up. and boy-howdy does it crop up!

3. stick with what you know. if you strongly feel that UC is right, then fill your mind only with UC support. you're not in a position to take on everyone's 1. you know? you have a baby and a self to focus on, to get healthy, and to prepare.

4. prepare for a UC by working on your own fears. whatever scares you, study that and study the local stuff on that topic. that is, if you're afraid of hemmorage, then study hemmorage. if you're afraid of early birth, then study that, if you're afriad of really painful labor or dealing with tears or whatever, then study that.

but don't go reading people's negativity.

stay in a supportive environment for what you want.

and lets talk about that midwife for a moment. you know how i like exit and contingency plans? well, i know that there's no viable exit from preggers and parenthood for me, so i had to make sure that i was ok with the whole thing before starting TTC (sept, and then this cycle so far).

but, my husband and i are going to have a midwife as back up. i'll go to two PNC appointments and have her on call, and that's it. if we want/need her, then we can call. but if we feel we don't, and we want to go full on with the UC, then we won't call.

how's that?

there are ways within and around. good luck.
rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 02:21 PM 11-25-2007
Zoebird--

(BTW, we're using Zoe if we have a girl )

I wouldn't at all classify myself as a risk taker. I love my baby & I love my life...I don't want to be reckless with either, lives are at stake, literally, so I think it is only prudent & wise to "what if" until the cows come home and deeply explore every opinion. If you have oodles of people calling you nuts I think not rethinking your strategy would be pretty thoughtless.

That said, intuition I get. Mine says, in a very JanetF sounding voice: "It's just a birth, chill." I simply feel a responsability to go over all angles, daily even.

I don't really think I HAVE any literal fears left, maybe pain, a bit. I have a VERY low tolerance. And while I know why my other labors hurt so much I am kind'a thinking normal pain in labor might overwhelm me too. But that just IS. I have no choice but to deal & I will.

Fear of the unknown may play in. I think it is hard for people to really understand where I *am.* Four c-sections, it's all I know, I feel like a 1st time mom in a way. My sections were simple, pain free, and unremarkable. And I am ok with them, thinking outside that is *different* for me.

RE: fear mongering, I SO hear you. There IS a difference between hearing differing opinions...stepping outside myself to critically think on this is one thing, listening to unsubstantiated "You're crazy!" is quite another. Thing is, there aren't that many supportive places out there. Or voices. It can feel very isolating.
accountclosed3's Avatar accountclosed3 03:31 PM 11-25-2007
word.

that's why i mainly sstick to the UC forum when it comes to birth sstuff. that and the various books and links that those here provide.

i'm less likely to get fear mongering, but everyone here (so far as i've experienced) is very concerned about their own and their child's health and wellbeing. and, we're concerned for each other and no one wants anyone to be silly or foolish with their health.

so, you'll get info without fear mongering up in here--why go elsewhere?

i'm gonna be a first time mom, so i know how that goes.
AugustineM's Avatar AugustineM 05:09 PM 11-25-2007
Marie, I have been following your story for a while. I have had 2 cesareans and am planning to ttc next year sometime. I too have UC in my heart and would love to birth with only my DH. But I completely feel where you're coming from on having this lingering fear/uncertainty/apprehension. I think mine comes from hearing about catastrophic uterine ruptures. Even before I started thinking about #3, it's like those stories are in my brain, and they're so scary and I can't imagine if that happened to me.

I think that it would be really nice to have established care with a midwife you trust and then you can decide whether or not to call her during the birth. Who knows, maybe you'll have one of those 3 hour births where you really couldn't even call her because the baby comes so fast! Or maybe you would be really glad to have someone to call if you have a long, drawn out labor. For me, I know, the peace of mind would be powerful.

I would do that if I lived in a state where homebirth vbacs were legal! In Alaska they aren't. So it's either hospital (which probably wouldn't even "allow" me to labor) or a UC here at home, or fly to another state to birth, or fly a midwive up here. I do have a doula friend from WA who is willing to come up and be with me when I birth, so that might be an option. (Ooops, sorry to hijack, that's my own issue...)

Anyway, one thing that always helps me is to remind myself that birth, any birth, is not without risks and the possibility of something going wrong. I know that isn't super comforting, but at least it helps me remember that there is no path to go down that assures a perfect outcome. You just have to go with the one that feels the best.

Oh, and I totally agree with zoebird. The only places I read about birth on the internet is here at MDC and the plus sized pregnancy site that has awesome stories about vbamc. Oh, and I assume you've read the study recently that says that vbamc is no more "risky" than vba1c? If not I can link it for you.
transformed 05:17 PM 11-25-2007
The only reason I am not UC'ing is because of the technical stuff like placenta care/exam, cutting the cord/clampong, etc etc. I just dont want to do any of that stuff.

Who knows though. I kind of feel like I could push this baby out right now by myself while the kids nap...and no one would even know! (OMG It feels like its falling out, seriously!)

Then I have no idea what I would do next Probably get on MDC for further instruction.

You can do this. Have an emergency plan in place. Do your UC.

Hey, I found this today: http://www.rockymountainbaby.com/pag...firmations.php


1 2  3  ... Last

Up