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#31 of 46 Old 01-05-2008, 12:19 PM
 
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it is something to think over- not every relationship is the same, nor do people want the same thing from their relationships .

----------------
to take this completely a different way looking at how much "defensive" practices have taken over mainstream births - this seeming to have changed on a parallel with widespread birth education and dads in the birth room
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#32 of 46 Old 01-05-2008, 03:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MsBlack View Post
As I have often had to tell people in the course of my life--"I'm just ASKING! It's not a judgement, not trying to tell you what is right for you....JUST ASKING", because asking the presumably 'forbidden' questions is so very freeing.
EXACTLY!!! I was only ASKING, not JUDGING as some of the previous posts imply. : ) Thanks!!!
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#33 of 46 Old 01-05-2008, 07:24 PM
 
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we've discussed this, and while i do want him around, i don't necessarily want him in my space.

i know that there are differences between feeling unwell and labor, but i think that there are likely also some similarities. and i also know that he's nervous about the whole thing anway (not UC< but birth).

so, i think he'd be happy to be able to read, watch movies, or whatever while i do my thing.
This is how I want it. I am going to ask dh to take everyone to the park or block the halway with the baby gate and my room and bathroom are off limits unless I call for someone.

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"And when our baby stirs and struggles to be born it compels humility: what we began is now its own." Margaret Mead 
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#34 of 46 Old 01-05-2008, 08:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
This said, in case of transfer dh is not allowed more than 2 feet from me and that only to fetch food and more water.
!!!!!!!

 Mom of many minions . . . babyf.gif jumpers.gif     jumpers.gif     jumpers.gif
"And when our baby stirs and struggles to be born it compels humility: what we began is now its own." Margaret Mead 
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#35 of 46 Old 01-07-2008, 01:08 PM
 
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VERY interesting article! I passed it along to DH to see what he thinks (he hasn't responded yet to my IM )

And I LOVE this:
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I want to birth like a cat.

Then we can raise our child as a human.
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#36 of 46 Old 01-07-2008, 01:56 PM
 
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Honestly, I think if DH hadn't been at my last birth, it would have been better for me. My mother was there too (she is not allowed at my next birth), and the two of them together decided to ignore me and call 911 when they thought DD wasn't breathing (she was, she just wasn't crying). DH admits he was petrified the entire time I was in labor and afterwards. He won't read any literature and prepare himself in any way, so it's his own fault, really. I am planning a UC for my next birth as well, and he is still very scared and doesn't want me to do it. However, he wants to be there for the birth of our child. I thought about hiring a doula to be there for support, but I don't want ANYONE there except DH (if he can get his act together). I'm not even sure I want him there. Luckily we have lots of time, as I'm not even pregnant yet.

Mom to DD#1 8/04, nursed 43 months, DD#2 8/06, nursed 21 months and DD#3 9/08, still nursing strong
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#37 of 46 Old 01-12-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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Honestly, I think if DH hadn't been at my last birth, it would have been better for me. My mother was there too (she is not allowed at my next birth), and the two of them together decided to ignore me and call 911 when they thought DD wasn't breathing (she was, she just wasn't crying). DH admits he was petrified the entire time I was in labor and afterwards. He won't read any literature and prepare himself in any way, so it's his own fault, really. I am planning a UC for my next birth as well, and he is still very scared and doesn't want me to do it. However, he wants to be there for the birth of our child. I thought about hiring a doula to be there for support, but I don't want ANYONE there except DH (if he can get his act together). I'm not even sure I want him there. Luckily we have lots of time, as I'm not even pregnant yet.
Yikes, I'd go with your gut on this one. Personally, I don't think I could have someone there who was petrified and who had called 911 without my consent. Honestly, I think your husband's wanting to be there is an important factor but shouldn't outweigh your comfort and safety. That said, I hope that you and your dh can work it through and he can get through his fears and develop trust.
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#38 of 46 Old 01-12-2008, 02:49 PM
 
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I don't trust anything written by an MD, for one. I think if your partner is well studied and truly learns about the different stages of labor and what we go through, he can be a great help and comfort. (cuts made by Flapjack)
Erm, this is Michel Odent we're talking about here- the gentleman responsible for the introduction of the ubiquitous and overused birthing pool, who pioneered the idea of gentle birth techniques in hospitals and who is the biggest advocate for normal birth, bar none, that I'm aware of. The sensitivity to the needs of the labouring woman that he demonstrates can be excelled only by someone with a uterus, IMO. University qualifications don't have to be a disadvantage.
The first time around, my ex went off and did his own thing at times while I was labouring, and that didn't feel good. I needed him, needed the support, needed the reassurance, and it wasn't forthcoming. Really, what I needed was for him to tell me that he loved me and that nothing would change once we were grownups and parents rather than messed up adolescents, but : you have to be an adult to act like an adult. He couldn't even be with me during Rowan's birth, and that was inevitably hard, but by the time Isaac came along I had the inner resources to get him out regardless of the fact that I was working solo.
Then came Skye, and the month of beautiful birth stories (aka prodromal hell) and a new husband. He was wonderful. When I really needed him was all those nights of contracting, but not hard enough to get our baby out into nose-beeping territory, to love me, support me, reassure me and to make me feel like a beautiful, sexual, desirable woman even when I felt devastatingly broken. In the end, we induced her together with a day in bed, rubbing his semen into my cervix and just talking and loving on each other, and that was one of the most amazing days of my life (that's the Friday, the day before her actual birth-day) Since then, yes, our sex life has irrevocably changed- there is this very real awareness between us that this is the act that made our children, and brought our daughter out, and there's a level there that I never got with my ex. It's going to be interesting to know what sex is like when I no longer squirt milk across the room at random moments and can get myself up to the chandelier without trapping a nerve...
Oh, I digress. One of the stresses last time was the fact that he nearly missed DD's birth because he wanted to tell his dad that my waters had broken so it must be real labour this time... Somehow, he hadn't picked up on the fact that birth can be fast as well as slow.
This time, we're going to take things as they come. He doesn't want to have to think about umbilical cords or placentas, and I want to cut the cord but not until after the placenta is out, so, you know, this is working out nicely. We have a 2yo, a mad springer spaniel and two buoyant boys around the house, so one of the ways he can speed my labour is by being mum so I can tune into my inner birthing goddess... if I need him, I know he's there. If I don't, he's cool with that. Bless, I just realised how lucky I am :

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#39 of 46 Old 01-12-2008, 03:27 PM
 
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I had a midwife assisted birth (though it was Pamelamidwife who is completely hands off and didn't really do much during the actually labor but be a supportive presence). Dh kept hovering and wanting to help but not knowing what to do. I felt so much better when he went in the living room and watched a movie with dd. I could see him from my vantage point and that's all I wanted.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#40 of 46 Old 01-12-2008, 05:52 PM
 
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I had a midwife assisted birth (though it was Pamelamidwife..)
: Sooooo jealous! (mutters to self, I grew up in Oregon, but I just *had* to wait until I moved to Indiana to get pregnant...(incoherent grumping))
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#41 of 46 Old 01-13-2008, 11:40 AM
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while i agree that there's nothing wrong with asking, often the way something is asked demonstrates certain assumptions.

now, i could be completely wrong about what those assumptions are, but when i read the question about "what about your husband's feelings when. . ." it assumes that my husband would feel that way, or that every husband should feel that way, and that anyone who doesn't get on board with that assumption is essentially creating an environment in which the husband is "left out" of this "beautiful product of our love" and which will inhibit bonding, etc. . .

so, i didn't really read it as "just a question."

I think that a better way to phrase the question would have been something like "Do you think that having a solo UC would impact your husband's ability to bond with his child or cause him to feel left out of this amazing experience?"

that one comes without judgements, inferences, or assumptions.
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#42 of 46 Old 01-14-2008, 02:44 PM
 
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my husband is naturally quite anxious AND he grew up in a household where any weakness or illness was seen as an inconvenience and treated with anger.

over the last couple of weeks, i have not felt well (sickness or new pregnancy, we don't know). anyway, my normal "duties" haven't been preformed (cooking, cleaning, etc) and he's quite angry and frustrated.

but he feels bad, because he also knows that i can't help it that i feel bad and that standing up straight hurts really bad (very bad gas and bloating).

Are you secretly married to my husband? I've never been able to wrap myself around his feelings and attitudes but you summed it up perfectly. If I ever have another child I don't think I will be around my husband for most of labor. I do want him there when my child would be born.

I just cannot explain to most how watching me labor affected my husband. There isn't a doubt in my mind that his job was 1000 times harder then mine. We have talked about it a long long time and it put him in a place mentally that was not good for him. luckily for me I am not overly observant, had I been, I would have been adversly affected by his responses.

I think the article was good and I could see how if I were different how my husband would have hindered labor.

My husbands identical twin lost it in the delivery room. convinced his wife she could never push a baby out and screamed at the presiding OB to go find a doctor who was proficient in using a vaccum or forceps, that his wife is not able to push. and when I say scream all security was called and the head OB came running they thought it was an emergency. my SIL was pushing for about 25 minutes no distress to her or the baby but my bil deamed it a medical emergency. And my SIL gave up trying to push and ended up with a 4th degree tear and blood transfusions from the use of the vaccuum.

I think it depends on the husband. My husband is not a good candidate for labor. and neither is his twin.
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#43 of 46 Old 01-14-2008, 03:04 PM
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woah. those guys have a serious response!

i talked to my husband about this, and the question that he brought up is that

1. the whole question is such a "male" question--as it seems to him that men are often asking "what is optimal based on various objective and nearly objective standards?" while women seem to go more on "what do i think/feel is right?" so to him, the whole question or idea is "male-driven" which is problematic when talking about a female-focused activity. . .

and

2. assuming that the reason for keeping the father out is based on his own folly or problems or whatever craziness he has that he might also bring to the birth, why isn't it brought to the fore that men should be held to a standard to "work on" their feelings such that they wouldn't be an inhibition at the birth? (this, of course, assumes that attendants at births are not per se inhibitions) he questions why there's no need for a man to change--or no one is calling for men to change into a person who can "go primal" and who can "be truly supportive."

he sees it as his personal mission to be the best human being possible, and at the birth, this means being fully present and fully tursting and open. he has to work on some things, and he's willing to.

i think he's saddened and frustrated that many men are not willing to, and not one is willing to say "grow up" to these guys.
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#44 of 46 Old 01-14-2008, 03:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
he sees it as his personal mission to be the best human being possible, and at the birth, this means being fully present and fully tursting and open. he has to work on some things, and he's willing to.

i think he's saddened and frustrated that many men are not willing to, and not one is willing to say "grow up" to these guys.
My husband had the same response. And he strives everyday to be a better person. And he was from my perspective great during my labor. As I made laps from the birth tub to the toilet to the bed he went behind me and wiped up the water on the floor, he held the bucket for me to get sick in. He did the labor dance with me. He knelt on the floor in front of me and just held me. From my perspective he was a HUGE help and he was WONDERFUL. But I know this came at a cost for him. It did affect him emotionally. He said it was one of the hardest things he had ever done.

What I got from the article is this. We need to pay attention to more then just the woman laboring. We need to pay attention to the environment as well. Women have the ability to talk through negative feelings until they become right, men not so much. so for DH to spend the later parts of labor in such emotional turmoil, I feel these questions should be asked.

But then again I'm a huge adovocate of the statement. We're pregnant and we're laboring and we're delivering. B/C the roller coaster ride of my pregnangy labor and delivery my husband was strapped in the seat right beside me. and my nurturing side would like to spare anyone that. KWIM?
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#45 of 46 Old 01-14-2008, 03:30 PM
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perhaps, or perhaps it's not ours to spare.

i mean, women go through an initation with this, why not men?

it's just begging the question. i don't think that most men aren't trying--the difference is that they don't seemm to expect to have to try.

i mean, why wouldn't it be appropriate for your husband do go through a difficult time? and why would you be concerned with sparing him that if that is what he needs to experienc ein that moment?

but, i also think that if it's best that he not experience it, then it's important to say "ok, then this is good too. . ." and so on.
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#46 of 46 Old 01-14-2008, 04:43 PM
 
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still presumes a standard-- I have met a few men- who are so traumatized by birth... and it would be nice it they could just fix it but that isn't always possible- and there are cultural differences I have known couples where their relationship is loving and supportive but the wife does not want care taking to be done by her husband --
I have a long time friend who locked herself in the bathroom while giving birth to her second child- she had said all along that she didn't know what she was going to do with her partner because she felt torn about his presence --- she had talked to me about not coming unless she sent a spoon -- I was to delay or detain if he came to get me and she didn't send him---

during labor I knew I just wanted to be left alone- during the birth ok maybe you can hand me something
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