mamas, i always knew birth could be like this! i feel like over the past three years i've been on a journey and have finally found what i was looking for -- transforming my family, my life and my spirit! it is a journey i will continue to be on throughout the rest of my life and isn't specific to birth. it's about awareness, connection, intuition, and self love and trust.
at the stroke of midnight, 7 february 2008, i woke up to pee. as soon as i stood up, a trickle went down my leg. "am i peeing on myself?" i thought --
at this point, it was completely plausible! my water had broken with both my other two right before pushing in a big gush, so i had no experience with the "trickly waters" phenomenon. after going to the restroom and walking around for a little while, though, i decided that i couldn't possibly be THAT incontinent even with LO riding low on my bladder
. still, i thought, labor could be hours away. i'd be stuck in prodromal labor land for a week or more and didn't want to get my hopes up. so i decided to clean the bathtub, fix myself some tea and take a nice bath. if something's going to happen in the bath, i thought, i'll know it's the real thing.
by the time i decided it was going to happen that night, it had been about 1.5hr since my water started dribbling. i woke dh up and he came and hung out with me in the bath for a little while through two or three contractions. he said, "do you think we should call mom?" [to come get ds] i almost said no, let's wait, but then a contraction came that made me pay attention. "okay," i said, "i guess i'd really like to just pay attention to these. i'm really jealous of those women who can have their toddlers with them -- but i think it'll be too distracting for me." so at 2am, dh called his mom and she came over to get ds. by the time they had left, i was still walking around, stopping for contractions and telling dh and his mom not to talk to me.
when they left, i went into the bedroom. i told dh that i'd like to be by myself for a little while. he had already set up candles and music and burnt some sage in the bedroom -- it was a perfect, quiet, safe little den. i told him the only thing i was worried about was anyone invading my space. i asked him to keep guard (we live in a big house with his father, grandmother and grandfather. i wanted to make sure that if i woke anyone, they'd know to stay out of our side of the house). he had no problem with this and assured me that he was there to do whatever i needed (
in the bedroom, i felt the need to empty myself out. i had a five gallon bucket and whenever i'd have a contraction, i could feel that i had to make a bowel movement (tmi, i know -- but, hey, that's birth!). during some contractions i had to bare down, during some i didn't. the ones that i didn't, i walked around the room, swinging my legs back and forth, or held onto the dresser and bent over at the waste. whatever it was, i had to keep moving the whole time. if i stopped, it hurt. if i danced, it was powerful!
at some point, i knew i was done emptying out and called dh in to take my bucket outside to get the smell out (oh my god, this is love, right?!). i was starting to feel tired and was resting on the futon in between contractions. i told dh "i like you in here, but you're still distracting me." then i put on my sleep mask thingy (like a blindfold) -- so that i couldn't concentrate on dh, even if i wanted to. after a couple of minutes, dh had successfully turned himself into a tiny fly on the wall and wasn't bothering me at all. at this point, i wasn't getting up for the contractions any more, but was staying on my hands and knees. i also had started making noises through them. low, moaning noises that started in my gut and, as they came up, became the roar of a screaming train. right around this point, the thought ran through my head, i should have gone to the hospital so they could give me drugs!
. i said to dh with a little smirk, "i think i'm in transition."
i was getting pretty tired at this point. i wanted to be on my hands and knees, but my arms were shaking. so i moved over to the dresser and put one of the big hospital grade pads we have under me. that way, i could hold on to the dresser while on my knees. after one or two contractions that way, i could feel that my body was about to push. "OOoooohhhh that feels SO GOOD!!" at this point my head was under the dresser (there's like a 2x3 cubby space there) and i was just riding the contractions, letting them push when they came and just feeling it. at one point the thought came into my head "i never want to do this again" then, immediately, the next thought: "i might NEVER do this again!" i'd better pay attention!! very soon i reached down and felt her beautiful little face. i must have backed up somewhat then because dh hand accidentally touched my back side and i screamed "DONT TOUCH ME!"
poor dh .. the next push brought Meika into my arms -- open eyed, pink and crying. as soon as i got a towel around her she settled down. she sneezed a few times to get out some snot bubbles. dh's dad was in the other room and said that he heard her cry at exactly 3am.
i can't even describe how perfect this birth and the time since then has been. i have so much more faith in myself -- but not myself. i mean, i have faith in everything. and i have faith in my place in everything. and i know that i don't have to DO anything to make it happen. ah. i'm ranting. two days later, i'm still high on endorphins from my little wonder.
thank you all for your support and knowledge, and mostly for your faith in the universe and in women and babies and life.