Pregnant without a home on MDC. Vent. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I am pregnant without a home here on MDC, it is like I don't fit anywhere and I am bouncing from thread to thread in search of a home.

This is my fifth pregnancy in a year so obviously I should be in the PAL forum....not so because I aim to have a UC and UP the rest of this pregnancy.

But here on the UC forum, I feel out of place because I am taking meds (heparin for clots and progesterone) and I have a high risk pregnancy due to a heart condition that complicated things with my last live birth, dd#2, I had some severe heart issues and even went into cardiac arrest at 34 weeks.

I belong to Sidelines for high risk pg but everyone there is into such high interventions that they think I am crazy for not living at the hospital....Ok, slight exaggeration but you get my drift.

I am too complicated for my DDC as most are first time mamas and they really don't want to deal with me because I represent all that could go wrong in a pregnancy, although I don't see it that way, I feel like I represent hope...

Well, it seems that I am back there again, which is a good thing, because that means this pregnancy is sticky so I am welcoming it with open arms.

The only issue is that I forgot how having a heart condition during pregnancy kicks my butt and how scary it is. I am currently tachycardic (125-135 bpm) and having problems breathing, something that I was on bedrest for my entire pg last time. Although I will not complain, I just kinda want somebody to hold my hand and remind me that everything is going to be alright, iykwim?!?

I don't want to hear people saying, "you have to go to the hospital right now" and I don't want to complain because everything pregnancy related issue that comes up I am so grateful for but I want somewhere to go that will support me when things get to be tough. Does that make sense?!?

Thanks for listening...
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#2 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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I don't know much or anything about your health conditions, but I wanted you to know I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and birth, no matter what path that takes. Being monitored and having a HCP doesn't make it so you can't be part of the UC community. I think it's great to see so many different types of pregnancies and births within the threads here. It has taught me to be humble, to be flexible and to be accepting of whatever comes. It's taught me so much about all there is to learn about my health and the baby's health. I'm so much more educated about the wide range of pregnancies and births because I read and learned from all the other mamas' experiences here.

It might feel like you are all alone because it's hard to find someone who is experiencing your challenges and dealing with it in a similar way. But just know that I'm wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy and birth.

Mom to DD ('06) and DS ('08)
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#3 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 09:30 PM
 
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I certainly hope you can feel at home here. Your certainly welcome to PM me if you just need someone to listen s to you. And I hope everything goes well and that you can find a peaceful place to feel at home
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#4 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 09:32 PM
 
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I'm not in the same boat, but saw this in new posts and couldn't read without giving you a hug.

It's going to be ok, mama.

SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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#5 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 10:42 PM
 
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My twin pregnancy was my third pregnancy and the first one to kick my butt. I wanted a UC and was considered "high risk" though I refused that label. Other than MDC it was like I had no home. Even on MDC twin UCs are rare so it's not like many could relate IYKWIM. BUT the mamas here are so accepting of any person in any condition, so feel free to come here and vent.

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#6 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 11:05 PM
 
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I don't know anyone who thinks UC means never getting medicine or medical advice that may be needed. And you sure would not be the first to truly desire and work for a UC who knew that health matters could prevent that wish from being realized. Seems to me that UC is something that ppl here are a) working toward, tho none of us can see the future and be certain of what our births will be like and b) something that ppl here support for self and others under a variety of conditions!

So, be welcome....I think it's safe to say that you're welcome here and will be loved up as you ask for...if that is 'MDC home enough' for you.

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#7 of 39 Old 04-18-2008, 11:41 PM
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i always find it really amazing/inspiring when a person who is in what would normally be a completely highly medicalized process takes a completely different tactic as a matter of her own mind and sense about what is right for her.

it takes a lot of courage to stand against the force of so much of our culture. it's amazing how deeply influenced all of us are--how visceral it is for us.

the feeling of isolation isn't quite as unusual as you might think. i think that a lot of women feel it for a variety of reasons--even if they have commonalities with many women. sometimes, i find that tuning in and reminding myself of this--and that it is an illusion that i'm truly isolated--is really helpful.
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#8 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 12:29 AM
 
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Actually I really do admire you for what you're doing. You are doing what Unassisted Pregnancy and Childbirth is really all about... which is following your instincts, even if those include getting outside medical help. So, make yourself at home, because it seems to me that this IS the perfect place! (btw, I only posted once on your other thread b/c I hadn't had a loss... so I wasn't sure if there was some kind of unspoken rule about that or not, lol)

FWIW I feel somewhat odd too because I'm NOT doing an unassisted pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like I'm "cheating" on UC... if that makes sense I just have to remind myself that that's not what it's all about.

Sunny coolshine.gif: gun toting, retired breastfeeding, car seat loving, guitar playing, home birthing and schooling mama to Jakob (10.06), Mikah (07.08) and Korah (07.11). uc.jpg 

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#9 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 12:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Please understand that it isn't that I feel like the mamas on the UC board aren't welcoming, it is the fact that there are going to be days on when I am going to feel crappy because of the nature of my pg (high risk, meds, PAL) and I feel uncomfortable expressing that here because, generally, women who have low risk pg UC and may not understand where I am coming from.

I don't know if I can vent because I am planning a UC and quite frankly, I feel guilty for complaining about ANYTHING pregnancy related because of my history. Like I should just be grateful to be pregnant....

Thank you MamaRabbit, I do remember you when I UC'ed my last and from chats here and there and I totally appreciate what you are saying. As a matter of fact, my progesterone and HCG are extremely high (progesterone 58.9 and HCG 1097 at 11 dpo) that it has been mentioned that I might be having twins....

With that being said, I had an early u/s at 4 weeks to ensure that the babe was intrauterine because of my previous ectopic and everything is OK. But when my numbers came back, I was told to have another u/s.

But I'm not interested in another u/s and this provokes quite a reaction from my family including my dh, who are all very supportive of my choices. "You mean you won't even find out if it is twins?" "You will just wait until birth to find out?!?"

There may be many challenges to this process and I am afraid that I will wear out my welcome....
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#10 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 01:02 AM
 
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Out of curiousity, may I ask why you are opting for UC?

I certainly don't want you to live at the hospital, and I don't think you should rush there right now (or ever, unless circumstances warrent) but I do think it's possible to have a good, natural birth and still be prudent in terms of monitoring your varied and evidently serious conditions. Heart conditions in pregnancy are nothing to sneeze at.

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Although I will not complain, I just kinda want somebody to hold my hand and remind me that everything is going to be alright, iykwim?!?
Do you want people to lie to you? It may be alright, sure... or it may not. They can't tell you that. Normally, I'd say no problem. But you said yourself you once went into cardiac arrest at 34 weeks and are still on severe medications for the same problems.

I may be in the minority here, but I would strongly ask that you find someone who is birth-friendly and qualified to back you up at your birth and to monitor your care. A midwife? Imagine if you were to place that responsibility on a loved one, and you did go into cardiac arrest again: what an unbelievably horrible weight for them to carry.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but this sounds quite serious. Sometimes, 'high risk' means just that. With the utmost respect: please be prudent, for yourself and your family.
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#11 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 01:13 AM
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Do you want people to lie to you?

i think people have the capacity to keep their opinions to themselves, if the mother is specifically asking to not hear any more of that sort of opinion.

it's basically respecting a person's emotional space.

on this thread, she isn't asking for any opinions about what she should be doing, prudently or otherwise. she isn't asking people to agree with her choices, or like them, or even support them for that matter. but she is asking for basic respect of her emotional space in regards to her choices, and if one can support it, then she is also seeking that support.

for my own part, i can support her process. i admit that i do not know or understand what is going on, what all of the possible outcomes (positive or negative) from those decisions could be, and what impact they will have on her.

i can only trust that she is a divine being, that she is connected to her own consciousness and innate wisdom, and that she will make decisions from this space with a great deal of consideration of what is best for her body as well as all of those around her who would be impacted by this decision.
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#12 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 01:16 AM
 
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Oh, totally agreed. I completely respect her, actually, and I'd hoped that had come across in the post in asking more about her reasoning. And I support her right to make the decisions that are right for her, wholeheartedly. My own experience is that it is possible to have it both ways... to have the amazing natural birth experience, while covering your back if need be. This seems like a 'need be' situation, granted, which is why I asked.

Edited to add: I can see how she would be getting lots of negative flak, people calling her 'crazy' for not diving for a hospital bed: understand, I don't think she should dive for a hospital bed either! It's out of concern that I ask rather than blindly reassure. If I didn't care, I certainly wouldn't speak up.
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#13 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 01:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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For clarification purposes, the reason I went into cardiac arrest last time was because of a condition called aortocaval compression...meaning due to the position of my uterus being severaly retroverted, the further along with my pg I become, the more it cuts off my blood supply to my inferior vena cava and ultimately to my heart.

Normally, this only happens to pg woman after 6 months when they are laying on their back. But for me, I happens in all positions but standing. Even at 6 weeks now, I can't lay on my back...I can't even sit at the computer for extended periods of time without my blood pressure dropping, I have to get up and walk around to equalize my bp.

This wasn't diagnosed until after I went into cardiac arrest AT the hospital. It was then that I was referred to a cardiologist who then diagnosed this condition, the only one he has ever seen in his 35+ years of practice.

As a result, the cardiologist forbade me to birth on my back as it would kill me. But the doc who I was doing shadow care with said that he wouldn't allow me to birth any other way because "he couldn't see".

For more on my story http://www.mothering.com/discussions...02#post5890902

and on the events that lead to my last UC http://www.mothering.com/discussions...91#post5912191

Hope that clarifies things...

And FWIW, this is exactly why I was afraid to come over here....
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#14 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 02:16 AM
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i remember those posts.

and it was exactly what i was speaking to. questioning your current decision--even if out of concern and care--is really questioning your agency and sovereignty. it asserts that you don't have the capacity to make this decision, or that you've forgotten some element and are behaving in a naive way.

i don't think anything can be farther from the truth. i think that your whole deal is really amazing and inspiring. i love that you share your process and i'm excited for you in regards to your UC and UP.
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#15 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 02:44 AM
 
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I just read the threads you linked to and I think you're awesome. (Sorry if I sound like a groupie...) BTW, it ends with quite the cliffhanger, you might want to post a link to the birth story, if there is one posted, of course. I don't really like searching for old posts, I feel like I'm intruding, but that's a whole other issue)

Anyhow, I think you got your head together and will most certainly make wise, informed decisions. Your cardiologist (if it's still the same) did not sound too bad since he apparently seems to have taken the time to assess what birthing positions would be suitable for you instead of pushing a c-section. Since he is the specialist of what makes your pregnancy higher-risk, it just makes sense to follow through with him and then proceed as you would for any other pregnancy. I don't really know why I'm saying this, you probably already figured it out, but I guess I am just saying that I think you are on the right track and I really hope you get the support you need.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#16 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 05:52 AM
 
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If it helps any I am considered high risk by Drs and MW (been turned down by more than one) even though I am perfectly capable of a healthy birth and normal pregnancy.The chances of "something" going wrong are just a little higher for me than average.It makes me so sad when I see posts about how this one saw her MW and she isn't going to have to do X test.I also don't feel I belong with the HR mamas becuase I don't want and don't feel I need every test and intervention.I sometimes have wondered if its because I have the wrong part of the "can do" attitude.
(((hugs)))

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#17 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 08:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
and it was exactly what i was speaking to. questioning your current decision--even if out of concern and care--is really questioning your agency and sovereignty. it asserts that you don't have the capacity to make this decision, or that you've forgotten some element and are behaving in a naive way.

i don't think anything can be farther from the truth. i think that your whole deal is really amazing and inspiring. i love that you share your process and i'm excited for you in regards to your UC and UP.
:
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#18 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 05:45 PM
 
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i think that your whole deal is really amazing and inspiring. i love that you share your process and i'm excited for you in regards to your UC and UP.


Sending you love, Mamaterra!

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#19 of 39 Old 04-19-2008, 05:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ~Mamaterra~ View Post
As a result, the cardiologist forbade me to birth on my back as it would kill me. But the doc who I was doing shadow care with said that he wouldn't allow me to birth any other way because "he couldn't see".


I've heard of some jacked up crap in my time reading and studying birth but that's beyond anything I've ever heard. Unreal. He'd rather you die so he can SEE?! Good grief!

Sorry, didn't mean to tangent but that just blows my mind.

Anyway, you probably are not going to find complete acceptance anywhere on the net, and that sucks. Keep looking, because a place might exist out there. In the mean time, I feel the same way sometimes. The multiples forum here can be a touch too mainstream for me some days, and yet I don't fit here anymore since I'm in a 'high risk' pregnancy now as well and I have chosen NOT to have a UC. I'm really, really happy with my care provider and our birth plans, it's not that. I just don't seem to have a 'place'. I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb at any mainstream twins board where everyone is talking about their gazillion tests and scheduled c-sections and yet I'm way more medical minded these days than fits on the UC scene.

I feel you Mama
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#20 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 03:11 AM
 
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Wasn't rmzbm basically in this boat? High risk pregnancy, working with various doctors and midwives (had to fight them to stay home) went through the whole pregnancy with the knowledge that she was more likely to have to have a c-section than other people and basically preparing herself for that possibility? (People who know her and her story better please feel free to step in and correct me if that's not generally right.)

Anyway, I don't know anything about the medical stuff you're dealing with, but if you get to the point of birthing with everything checking out and your instincts say you aren't at any particular extra risk I don't see why you couldn't have the same sort of UC as anyone else.

I think getting medical attention now actually will improve your chances of being able to have an unhindered birth with out medical attention later.
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#21 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 03:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ~Mamaterra~ View Post
Please understand that it isn't that I feel like the mamas on the UC board aren't welcoming, it is the fact that there are going to be days on when I am going to feel crappy because of the nature of my pg (high risk, meds, PAL) and I feel uncomfortable expressing that here because, generally, women who have low risk pg UC and may not understand where I am coming from.
As long as you don't mind sympathy from someone who doesn't understand where you're coming from but can see that it's not a pleasant place to be, complain away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Mamaterra~ View Post
I don't know if I can vent because I am planning a UC and quite frankly, I feel guilty for complaining about ANYTHING pregnancy related because of my history. Like I should just be grateful to be pregnant....
Ugh. That's right up there with "why not just be grateful you have a healthy baby?" after some woman's got PTSD from the horrible delivery.

If anything, you've worked so hard to get pregnant you should get to have an easy time of it. It really isn't fair that you had to work hard to get pregnant at all and now you've got this upward climb of having to fight with being high risk and taking meds and everything.

Everyone deserves to complain about pregnancy, you especially have earned the right.
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#22 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 09:20 AM
 
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I haven't read the linked threads, but from this one, I can see why you feel fringe, but I really don't think that matters. Everyone offers a unique part of the picture. I admire where it sounds like you are coming from, and even if some don't, that's ok, we need you in the mix.

I hate it when people don't listen to my questions and instead tell me what they think I should be doing differently. I tend to be sensitive, but have to learn to keep it in perspective and really tune out the answers that don't pertain to me and my questions.

I hope you can get some good support wherever you end up, even if you have to ignore a few opinions. Good luck!

And please don't feel guilty! "Everyone deserves to complain about pregnancy" from the pp. That was so funny! And true!
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#23 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 09:50 AM
 
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I dont see why you SHOULDNT be here!
If you are hoping for a UC - then this is your home. I dont think anyone here would NOT seek medical attention when they feel they need it. You are an intelligent, informed woman. You are the expert on your problems and I trust your ability to make those difficult decisions along the way.
Welcome

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#24 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 03:09 PM
 
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questioning your current decision--even if out of concern and care--is really questioning your agency and sovereignty.
Bologna.
Someone may be seeking cosigners for their decisions ("tell me it will be okay"), but that doesn't mean that anyone is obligated to, or even ethically should, put their name on the dotted line.

OP, you may find that a perinatologist who can work in collaboration with your cardiologist will be more sensitive to your needs and more able to help you have a healthy pregnancy and birth than any old OB, even if you ultimately do UC. Special needs call for special expertise...obviously your old OB was not up to the task.
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#25 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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I hope you can feel welcome here! For every person who expresses strong opinions that you didn't come for, there are 20 who will just listen and support you. I think it's important to have both kinds of people, and just remember on MDC that since nobody really knows you (in most cases), you can't take anything personally.

I actually popped on to the UC forum because I was feeling out of place in my DDC. Half the posts on the first page are about u/s and the rest are about genders and names. I'm not doing any u/s this pregnancy, therefore not finding out gender, and I'm also not choosing a name yet. I'm of an average weight, so I think I would know if I was having twins. I would guess that an overweight woman could tell or at least have some inkling as well? I pretty much keep my decisions to myself, especially around family, because they think that complications and defects are something I would want to find out about. Luckily since this is my second pregnancy, they trust me a little more than the first. Still... how can anyone else know why and how you make your decisions? Why would anyone assume that you are simply making a quick emotional decision without thinking it through? FWIW, I'm low risk and feel out of place most of the time. This is the one forum where I've felt a heckuva lot more support than criticism.

I don't know details or understand your high risk status, but I do believe every woman deserves the chance to birth the way she envisions! I see "high risk" as just an label-excuse to intervene more and remove power from your hands. You know what your body can do, what your personal risks are, and what interventions you need and do not need. If anything, it's because you worked so hard to be pregnant that you should want to completely involved in your pregnancy. Kudos to you for retaining your power over your body!

I'm a proud mama of two girls! 4/30/06 Madeline, 09/25/08 Amelia
--**I'm here to share my mistakes and learn from yours**--
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#26 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 08:02 PM
 
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Just a quick
And I want to say I respect you, and you don't have to explain your reasoning to me, and I won't tell you what you should do.
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#27 of 39 Old 04-20-2008, 11:07 PM
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i agree with sapphire_chan here. I may not know what you are going through, but i can still support your experiences and choices. like cellarstella wrote, a lot of women feel isolated in their unique experience. i alluded to that as well, in my original post.

obviously, ccochenuo, you failed to read post 11, or you would have seen that i wasn't asking anyone to sign on the "dotted line."
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#28 of 39 Old 04-21-2008, 12:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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If anything, you've worked so hard to get pregnant you should get to have an easy time of it. It really isn't fair that you had to work hard to get pregnant at all and now you've got this upward climb of having to fight with being high risk and taking meds and everything.

Everyone deserves to complain about pregnancy, you especially have earned the right.
Oh Sapphire Chan! If I could give you a hug it would be a tight, slobbery, thank you hug. I burst into tears reading this because it made me feel so validated. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I am soooo emotional right now that I am more impressionable and sensitive than I normally would be and any suggestion that I am on the wrong track sends me spinning wildly off into left field.

Whenever anyone ask me "how are you feeling?" I say "Great, because I am feeling so horrible." Meaning that I know that this pregnancy, this BABY is going all the way
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#29 of 39 Old 04-21-2008, 12:50 AM
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Whenever anyone ask me "how are you feeling?" I say "Great, because I am feeling so horrible." Meaning that I know that this pregnancy, this BABY is going all the way

this gave me such a chuckle.

and of course you're sensitive--you've been through a lot and to go through that AND go through what you are going through without the feeling of adequate support AND add to that that people are critical and not able to stay out of it (for whatever reason) and give you your emotional space. . .

well duh! of course you're emotional.

i also hope that, through all of this, you're also really excited about your pregnancy and birth.
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#30 of 39 Old 04-21-2008, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh Zoe....do you know that you are one of my favorite people?!?

I just feel so zen after reading any of your posts. You immediately relax me. Your students are so lucky!
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