Been Afraid to post, but need support - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello.
Some of you may remember me. I had planned a UC with my daughter, but it ended in a hospital transfer, and a c-section.

I was afraid of UC this time, because of the opinions of others around me, and the pressure that they put upon me. (that was a major reason why I ended up transfering) I also was afraid of trusting myself.

I'm pregnant. I wanted a midwife, because my daughter's birth left me feeling vulnerable, and broken. I no longer had ANY trust in myself.
Here in WA it has been difficult to find a midwife that attends VBACS. (I only found three)
In fact, finding one that "fit" me was impossible. None even came close. (1 is full, 1 is too far away, and the other seemd terribly nervous about VBAC because she recently lost a baby in a VBAC) I felt that with my options, I might as well just do UC.

I came to a beautiful place over the last few months. I trust myself again. I feel like my cricumstances led me to UC again. I would not have even considered it had it not been so difficult to find a midwife.
I WANT to UC. I mean I really really do. I got the name of a midwife that might do VBACS, and I was hesitant to call, because I really really want a peaceful birth, my way. I want to do this. I don't really see what the midwife would bring that I want.

I was so afraid to post here, because there are a few people on this board who know me IRL, and I am afraid that my "friends" and family will find out. (I say "Friends" because my one friend who is a real friend already knows, and is wonderfully supportive) I need support though. My mom found out, and today was pressuring me.
I want to lie, I want to tell her that I have a midwife, (My mom is VERY pro HB) but I hate to have to lie. I already lied to my MIL, and told her that I will be going to the hospital after "laboring at home as long as possible"
I don't like lying.
I just finally came here, because I really need the support.
My baby is due at the end of June, and I just need to hold it together until then.

Why do people have to interfere with my life like this?
My mother said that there was "no way you can have the birth you want if you choose to go it alone." she said that this type of "arrogance" is what sent me to the hospital last time, and that there isn't a woman on the earth that doesn't need support during labor, and I especially would need it because of my "low pain tolerance" (UGH!! why does she think i am such a wimp?!! I recovered from a c-sec with no pain meds other than Ibuprphen and I didn't complain at all!!) I really need hugs right now. I mean really really need hugs!!!:
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#2 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 04:39 PM
 
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I say you trust your intuition. You know exactly what you need to do.

Have fun! The birth of your baby will be absolutley beautful.

http://www.rockymountainbaby.com/pag...firmations.php

Quote:
My baby is strong and healthy.

I trust my body.

My belly is full of light and love.

I am a strong and capable woman.

I have patience.

My cervix is firm and strong to hold my baby safe.

I am at peace with the world.

There is no need for us to hurry.

I have an open heart.

I am strong and calm and beautiful.

Birth is a wonderful, safe experience.

My body knows exactly what to do.

My baby feels my joy.

I trust my labor.

I am open to the energy of birth.

My baby is born in pure pleasure.

I ask for and receive what I need.
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#3 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 04:43 PM
 
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I would love to be sitting next to you on a couch, drinking some tea & giving you a ton of s. I know it doesn't feel good to lie, but sometimes it really is the best idea. Self-protection.

Imagine you have a wonderful bubble, were you, your body & baby are all safe and secure. Trusting.

Now every time other people's voices start to wear you down, you can go to your bubble. I know it can feel bad to lie to the people whom we would most want to support us, but in the end for me I just did not want to hear their questioning/negativity - and part of my bubble was to just tell them what they wanted to hear.

Again mama,
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#4 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 05:27 PM
 
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#5 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 06:53 PM
 
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Mama,

:

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Why do people have to interfere with my life like this?
Sweetie, don't let her. I'm glad your mom is supportive of homebirth.......and the next time she gives birth tell her SHE can have a home birth. You're going UC. Good thing it's your birth that this is all about, rather than hers.

Do whatever it is you need to do to create the environment you want. If that means distancing a little from others, do it! Seek out only those who support you. Go into your cave.

Greenlee's Forest *intentional jewelry* a secret Journal locket!
Me My Blog Mama to 7 babes & four spirit babies
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#6 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 08:42 PM
 
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I understand. I hope you find the inner peace to be able to shut out the negativeness coming from them close to you. And though I don't like lying either, if that is what it takes to keep you "safe" from the negativeness. Do it.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#7 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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Aww, your mom's nuts! Many women give birth best without a lot of interference. Like me and so many others on this board. If you're not getting support, don't feel bad lying. I hate lying too, but you deserve to birth in peace.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#8 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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We support you, I agree if lying is what it takes to get them off your case then it is a good option. Protecting your space of bigger importance. I believe in you. Im in WA planning to UC as well, and after being in the mw circle apprenticing for the last 7 months have seen all too well what a nervous mw can do to birth and if that is your feeling then by all means steer clear. Trust yourself, your baby trusts you.
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#9 of 25 Old 05-10-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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(sorry if you saw the earlier version of this post, my reading comprehension skills are nil today...)

Sounds like the only thing you need to UCAC just fine is to make sure your mother is no where near you when you give birth.
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#10 of 25 Old 05-11-2008, 01:58 AM
 
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Just do what you want to do. Sounds like you are judging yourself as harshly as others judge you.

I remember my biggest fear planning a UC was that I'd end up in the hospital needing an emergency cesarean and everyone would think "oh, that Jenny, she thought she was so strong and independent and look where that got her!" I knew I'd be fine, my baby'd be fine, but that fear of judgement was my worry. I got over it before I birthed and during the birth was much too busy to worry about what anyone else thought at all!

Sorry you are having a hard time...sit back and be easy on yourself. Treat yourself to some nutritious yummy food, take a bath, think of all the things you are grateful for, talk with your baby...bring the conversation back to you and your baby, for nobody else matters in labor and birth.

JENNY, 38~ preschool teacher, birth activist, sun worshiper, singer, married for 17 years and mom to

Karan 15, Fiona 12, Bodhi 10, Bjorn 6, Devon 3, and Robin Taylor born January 16th!

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#11 of 25 Old 05-11-2008, 03:39 AM
 
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Hey MamaMoose. I remember you. You can so do this. Be gentle with yourself. Remember you don't need to prove anything to anyone. If you are comfortable going unassisted, then do it, and the baby will come. If you find you aren't comfortable anymore, then that decision is fine too.

Congratulations on expecting another, BTW.

treehugger.gif Kat- mama to 6 little trees
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#12 of 25 Old 05-11-2008, 01:08 PM
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set your boundary with these people.

i have used this to do so:

1. "You are not part of this decision. I am a grown woman capable of making informed choices for myself and my children. I am making this decision and I do not require your opinion or input."

2. "I am not discussing this decision with anyone who is not informed about UC and why a woman would choose it. If you are informed and have a differing opinion, I welcome a conversation about the benefits and drawbacks of UC, without negativity about my decision."

3. "If you cannot be supportive of my decision, we will not have contact."

I've had to use 3 only once. 1 usually works best. But once i set up the boundary that i'm not going to take anyone's opinions (usually ignorant and fear-based), then they stop giving those opinions.
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#13 of 25 Old 05-27-2008, 05:02 AM
 
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... and you can have real ones, too.

I have to agree with the above reply about setting boundaries. With your mom's own HB experiences, she may feel that she knows more than you and can therefore not be wrong about her opinions of birth. She also may be frightened for you, fearful that you'll have another bad experience, so she's speaking out of fear and concern which makes it hard for her to see you as the grown, capable woman you are.

I believe in you!
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#14 of 25 Old 05-29-2008, 12:09 PM
 
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believing in yourself is key. (and anyone close to you that believes in you, go to them like a magnet. i know i couldnt have done it without those close to me backing me up)
and those that dont believe, distance. try to avoid them like the plague until its all over. and tell yourself how wonderful it will be when you can show them your happy healthy baby and say "see, i told you i could do it!"
that is gratification. showing the nay sayers that they were wrong, and its totally possible.

and for those that need lies. lie! stress, in any form, will cause more harm than good. if its easier to lie, and deal with the drawbacks of feeling bad for temporarily lying than dealing with peoples negative ideals, then thats what you have to do. choosing who to tell is part of choosing whats best for you and baby.

good luck to you mama.

3dds and me (and dh)
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#15 of 25 Old 05-29-2008, 03:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. I dealt with this a bit with my first UC, and regretted being honest with people. It worked out all right in the end, but caused me a lot of stress.
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#16 of 25 Old 05-30-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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You can do it!!! We're all rooting for ya out here!
Remember to only call people you KNOW for sure are supportive when you go into labor. Leave the rest of the calls for after it's all said and done.
I recently had a birth dream-I was in labor and there were a lot of people around waiting/worrying/wondering when the baby was gonna come and I was so stressed from being around all that energy and pressure that my birth didn't go at all the way I wanted-ACK! So glad I got to process that in the dreamtime so that I won't have to experience it in real life!
You have to lead the way in creating the birth you want-so as others have said, create a bubble around yourself, only let the positive/supportive people in!
Hugs and love to you
Chelsie

Former Nanny Extraordinaire, looking forward to being a Mama! treehugger.gif I love Organizing & being a Health & Wellness Coach eat.gif & I'm crunchy granola as long as it's organic and certified gluten free. GF since March '08 yummy.gif. Willoughby Nov '11  cat.gif TTC #1-still, again, some more, & seriously pondering adoption. 
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#17 of 25 Old 05-30-2008, 07:14 PM
 
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s:
I lied to people about my plans for a UC too and it was very hard, but I was too afraid of people's reaction. It's not easy to have our loved ones be so unsupported, but doing what is best for you will feel right in the end :

BC Mum of four ('05, '07, '11 and 06/14!)     
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#18 of 25 Old 05-30-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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i agree with everyone here, that lying is totally OK and do not feel bad for it.

however, i want to add that for me with 2 of my births (neither were UC, but still) not lying and being brutal were best for me. specifically with my mother. before each birth a confrontation was required and took place and everything worked out. in my case it was about whether or not she was going to attend the births. anyway, just because this woman is your mother does not mean you owe her the truth or anything else. this is your birth, a monumental, holy occasion that requires no approval from anyone else.

despite 3 healthy births and my last being a healthy UC, i worry a lot about what others might think if things go wrong this time (another UC). you are not alone. and like you, i know this is best and it is what i must do. i am not honest with my local family, but i dont lie a lot, just enough to feel protected. afterwards i will have no trouble letting them know the midwife didnt make it! (because i never called her. because i dont even know her phone number.)

one more thing. about the low tolerance for pain.

i am the queen of low pain tolerance. i whine, scream, thrash and beg my way through labor, every time. i vomit profusely. i let everyone know i am going to die and that i never want to give birth again and it was all a very very bad idea. i beg for drugs, in the case of my hospital birth, and at home i beg to be knocked out with a board or a baseball bat. in my opinion, UC is best for someone like me because i dont have people around to beg to. the fewer people, the better. when people are there staring at me, i feel the need to voice and plead my pain. with my UC, only dh was there and only every now & then. when he would come to check me, i would tell him i didnt think things were working and he would smile, ask me if i needed water or anything, and leave. dh trusts me and knows me well enough to know that is the best way to handle me in labor. if he stuck around, i would only escalate in my panic. when i am alone, i may still be in pain and thinking bad thoughts, but they dont escalate like that.

i dont mean to talk so much about me, but i want to validate your choice (you dont need my validation) despite what your mother said about pain, which may or may not be true. it is quite true for me and UC is perfect because of it, not in spite of it.

best wishes.

Hi, I'm Tabitha. I'm a homeschooling mother of four: ds (11) dd (9) ds (7) ds (5) And I'm expecting a fifth in 2014! Find me at http://www.omelay.blogspot.com
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#19 of 25 Old 05-30-2008, 11:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tabitha View Post
i am the queen of low pain tolerance. i whine, scream, thrash and beg my way through labor, every time. i vomit profusely. i let everyone know i am going to die and that i never want to give birth again and it was all a very very bad idea. i beg for drugs, in the case of my hospital birth, and at home i beg to be knocked out with a board or a baseball bat. in my opinion, UC is best for someone like me because i dont have people around to beg to. the fewer people, the better. when people are there staring at me, i feel the need to voice and plead my pain. with my UC, only dh was there and only every now & then. when he would come to check me, i would tell him i didnt think things were working and he would smile, ask me if i needed water or anything, and leave. dh trusts me and knows me well enough to know that is the best way to handle me in labor. if he stuck around, i would only escalate in my panic. when i am alone, i may still be in pain and thinking bad thoughts, but they dont escalate like that.
Very interesting to have figured this out. And nowhere during that time alone do you feel abandoned?

Missionary, birth-worker, midwifery student
Mama to love.gif DD (9yr), DS luxlove.gif (3yr), & 2twins.gif UC twin DDs (5yr)

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#20 of 25 Old 05-31-2008, 08:40 AM
 
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remembering i have only had one UC, and am fully ok with this one being different, the answer is no. i didnt feel abandoned. dh was here, with the older kids, and i didnt want him right there. i was content to hear their sounds in the house and be in my own dark place.

Hi, I'm Tabitha. I'm a homeschooling mother of four: ds (11) dd (9) ds (7) ds (5) And I'm expecting a fifth in 2014! Find me at http://www.omelay.blogspot.com
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#21 of 25 Old 06-02-2008, 01:03 AM
 
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My mom is so scared of birthing (anywhere) that she does not attend my births. She intentionally tries to show up afterwards. I told her I was waterbirthing and she just sighed and said "Why did you have to tell me that?" It's not that she doesn't love me or care or approve of hbing (she's come to see things my way for various reasons), she just doesn't want to see/hear me in "pain." I understand - her birth experiences were less than great and she lets her anxiety take over sometimes.

I still love and adore her so therefore I am lying to her No one knows of my uc plans except my very open minded niece who may be in attendance. Everyone else believes the mw will be here. They don't really want to know what I'm doing and it's for the best. I haven't decided what I'll tell them after the baby is born. I know I'll be dying to say we did it by ourselves so I might just go with "The mw didn't get here fast enough." It's believable since my longest birth was 6 hrs.

Go ahead and lie. I don't see the problem with it. Ooo, have you read The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth? I keep recommending it and I know you guys have read it. I'm on my 3rd read. It's so good and reaffirms why I'm choosing uc. Even dh said it made him feel all fuzzy and that is NOT something I have ever heard him say!
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#22 of 25 Old 06-02-2008, 04:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tabitha View Post
i am the queen of low pain tolerance. i whine, scream, thrash and beg my way through labor, every time. i vomit profusely. i let everyone know i am going to die and that i never want to give birth again and it was all a very very bad idea. i beg for drugs, in the case of my hospital birth, and at home i beg to be knocked out with a board or a baseball bat. in my opinion, UC is best for someone like me because i dont have people around to beg to. the fewer people, the better. when people are there staring at me, i feel the need to voice and plead my pain. with my UC, only dh was there and only every now & then. when he would come to check me, i would tell him i didnt think things were working and he would smile, ask me if i needed water or anything, and leave. dh trusts me and knows me well enough to know that is the best way to handle me in labor. if he stuck around, i would only escalate in my panic. when i am alone, i may still be in pain and thinking bad thoughts, but they dont escalate like that.

Oh that is SO me. If I could have explained it like that to my husband and the hired help, I could have avoided surgery. They saw my complaining as being a problem, whereas to me it's just normal.

I even do it when I'm alone, but when alone there's no one to insist I must need the hospital! I remember going to bed one night when single, very very sick with the full-on flu, hearing the New Year's Eve fireworks and thinking to myself (and saying out loud) "I don't think I'll be waking up, that's how sick I am". Of course I woke up, having gotten through the worst of the illness.

If I'd been married or with anyone at the time, they would have gotten scared and probably have taken me to the hospital. I'm just a whiner.

Of course, if hubby and hired help had paid attention, they would have KNOWN that I was just being over the top...I mean, until I was coerced into the hospital and then an epidural, at which time I demanded something to relax me b/c as a chiropractor I was absolutely deadset AGAINST a needle going into my epidural space...until then the only thing I asked for was *heroin*. I mean come on, they knew I wasn't serious about THAT, why did they think I was serious about anything else?


OP that has nothing to do with you, but even whiners are allowed to have natural childbirth. And if you are a whiner, being alone, or ONLY with people who understand that about you, will keep you safe from unneeded interference.


As for lying, only you can decide if you want to do it. I tried to be honest with people when planning a homebirth, and it opened my heart and mind to a lot of negativity. I don't know if I'll get another pregnancy, but if I do, I'm not talking about my pregnancy or birth plans with anyone but those I know are supportive of UC. I will be the queen of "that is not a topic for discussion, please pass the bean dip".
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#23 of 25 Old 06-02-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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Just wanted to commiserate. I'm in WA too, and we suck as far as MW's who take on HBAC's. It makes me ill how limited our choices are, in what is often called "the birth mecca".

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#24 of 25 Old 06-04-2008, 03:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies.
I feel way more at peace now.
I hired a MW, but I am not planning to call her. I didn't want to lie, and I felt that if something felt funny, it would be better to try a HB with a MW first, rather than go to the ER (with my daughter, when I transfered, something wasn't right, but it was not an emergency, DH and I just felt very strongly that we needed more than just the two of us)

This way I don't have to lie. Much better.

I have this incredible sense of peace. DH is on board with this so much more than last time. I was going to call the MW when I hired her, I really was, but then I read the book "The birth partner" by penny simkins, and the descriptions of labor really helped me to understand, so I will know what is happening. I was able to tell how far I got with my daughter before we transfered. I was WELL into active labor, but hadn't quite hit transition yet, it made me think "hey i was almost at the worst part, and I handled it perfectly...I can totally do this!!"
I also felt empowered, I understood each phase of birth that I had with my daughter before, and I just fel this incredible sense of peace. I told DH thast I wanted to UC, and he said "so do I" He read through the book with me, (It's for dads, dand doulas and such) and he was so attentive. (DH has ADD, so this was a BIG deal!! ) I felt like we were right there together, it was awesome.

Last time, I was "going it alone!!!" and although DH was there, I didn't let him in. This is going to be so peaceful, I just know it!!

The night before last, I had terrible cramping pains. (Like gas, but WAAAAY worse) DH had just read all the comfort measures in the book that day, and he came up and rubbed my back, and let me lean on him, it was awesome!!!

I don't feel anxious anymore. I have peace. I am excited about this birth. I have never felt this way about birth. With my daughter, I was afraid, I realise now that I was channeling all the fear of other people. Now it's just me and DH, and we are going to do this!!

I am really looking forward to this.
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#25 of 25 Old 06-04-2008, 07:00 PM
 
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Mama Moose, I am so glad to hear you are feeling more peaceful! (((hugs))) to you! I am also in WA, about 1/2 an hour north of Seattle, and would be happy to get together. In fact, it would be great because we only moved 3 months ago, and I must confess, I am feeling worn out and a bit lonely.

Good luck!

Laura, mama to J (15), N (12), E (9) , M (6), and our little caboose, R (3).
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