Difficult living situation & UCing - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 64 Old 11-16-2008, 03:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It has become painfully clear to both me and my "husband" how disconnected we've become from each other over the last year or so (started long before that, but that's when it became apparent). We're on two different spiritual paths, and since spirituality is a huge part of our lives this has created a gigantic rift between us. We've been trying to delude ourselves into believing that some day we'll feel close/connected again, but as the divide grows wider and wider we are having to face the sad music.

After our son Quantum was born, this propelled both of us onto spiritual paths in order to feel at peace & joyful in our everyday lives. It wasn't a conscious decision...it simply happened naturally due to the nature of having Quantum in our lives. Since we are two very different people, we naturally have gravitated to two very different ways of expressing this. In short, my husband is cultivating heart-centered, ego-based awareness and I am cultivating living from a place of infinite divine oneness with all that is.

Here's where having a new being in our household comes in: does it feel right to raise her in this environment? It's been hard enough trying to raise our son. Also, due to the very unique circumstances of this pregnancy, I feel even more alone this time around. With my son, I got a BFP right away and Chris (my husband) and I immediately started planning for the UC. He was there for me all throughout the pregnancy and during the birth. This time, for some reason I have only gotten BFNs (I took several during the first few months of the pregnancy). I gave up on that and also gave up on the possibility of being pregnant...especially after I continued to have monthly bleeding. There's just no way I can be pregnant, right? I kept having tell tale symptoms, though, and my intuition along with all the signs I kept receiving from the universe made it impossible to ignore the fact that I still felt pregnant. My uterus is expanding noticeably, I feel the baby kick on a regular basis, and I know deeply that there's no possible way now that I can't be pregnant.

Chris is still stuck in his logical, rational mind. He didn't believe me at all until I was about 5 months along when I lifted up my shirt and showed him my round belly (I normally have a pretty flat belly). He said that it looks like I'm pregnant. Okay...case closed. Now can we start getting our relationship back on track and prepare for our daughter's arrival? In my delusional mind, yes. In reality, no way in hell. Yesterday I started talking about all the signs I've received in regards to being pregnant...it was just a natural segway in the conversation. Immediately I felt a wall go up. He didn't want to listen to any of it. He was polite, as always, but I could tell he didn't believe any of it. I asked him about that and he said he doesn't want to make any assumptions. What?! Assumptions? Give me a break! He says he sees both the possibility of me being pregnant along with me not being pregnant...that they're pretty equal in his mind so he doesn't want to jump to any conclusions. Gee thanks. I was totally speechless. The baby is due in less than 3 months and he still has doubts that she even exists. I can understand from a logical point of view that it might be difficult to see where I'm coming from, but he's known me for over 4 years now...we've been through everything together...we've had a son together, we've been through a lot of emotional healing and transformations, we have delved into each other's souls so deeply that there are no words to describe how deeply his behavior has cut me. I know that I don't need to take it personally...that it's his own issues, but it's difficult. I know I'm holding onto the idea of being a "family" since I never really had one, but I'm unsure how to let go of it. I don't know any other way to live that resonates. I don't want to be a single mom, having to probably leave my kids during the day so I can provide for them. What else is there? Joining an intentional community? I think I need to face the music: we live in separate rooms, we've only made love once in the last year (and only a handful of times in the year prior), and we don't feel connected nor have we felt connected in a long, long time. If you've read all of this then I thank you deeply...I really needed to get this off my chest.
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#2 of 64 Old 11-16-2008, 09:54 PM
 
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I don't know what to say :

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#3 of 64 Old 11-16-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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#4 of 64 Old 11-16-2008, 10:44 PM
 
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I can see where he's coming from. He doesn't want to get his hopes up and then be disappointed if you're not pregnant, so why assume that you're pregnant until he knows for sure? He just wants proof positive first, that's all. Makes sense to me.

And the two differing spiritual approaches-- I think that can be a real treasure for your children, not a bad thing. You just need to be respectful of eahc other (and if he's not takign the initiative, maybe you'll need ot be the first one). But it's a really good thing from a spiritual growth standpoint, in that we tend to learn more from people who are different than us, not from people who always agree and see things the same way that we do.

As for having him at the birth if you feel uncomfortable with him, well, that's definitely a big consideration. But a lot can change in three months, too. You may feel a lot closer to him by then.

Do you too take dates alone together anymore? That's what I would do-- get a once-a-week babysitter if you can (I know it's hard, we just started trying to do this and it is hard and expensive!) but it is so worth it to strengthen the relationship.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#5 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 01:02 AM
 
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what if you're not pregnant and are just experiencing a significant hormonal imbalance? how would that change the dynamic of your marriage?
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#6 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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: I'm sorry you're feeling so disconnected in your marriage. I agree with all that LionTigerBear wrote, especially this:

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And the two differing spiritual approaches-- I think that can be a real treasure for your children, not a bad thing. You just need to be respectful of eahc other (and if he's not takign the initiative, maybe you'll need ot be the first one). But it's a really good thing from a spiritual growth standpoint, in that we tend to learn more from people who are different than us, not from people who always agree and see things the same way that we do.

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#7 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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have you heard a heartbeat? is there a way you can borrow/rent a doppler/fetascope?

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#8 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 06:17 AM
 
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In these circumstances have you considered seeing a doctor to get the pregnancy confirmed? I bled regularly through one of my pregnancies and the experience was terrifying- please, get this checked out. A quick u/s will confirm the pregnancy and calm your husband's fears, or else should let you know that you need to start investigating what else could be causing these symptoms, if you aren't pregnant.

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#9 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 11:39 AM
 
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Honestly....well, it sounds to me like both of you are having a hard time around 'ego', not just him. Both being fairly stuck on your own little islands of belief and 'what is right', neither letting love flow between you. I don't mean to judge--relationships are hard and this same issue has dogged me, too--and it is always way harder in the moment to see one's own part in things. So I offer this observation gently and with compassion, in hopes that you might see something in it that will help you and your family. Please let me explain a bit.


I'm not sure why you have chosen not to get some form of proof of your pregnancy--? It would be such a small thing to give to him, not to mention quite possibly clarifying such things as your baby's likely 'due moon'. Men are not women; you may already be absolutely right in what you believe about being pregnant and when baby is probably coming--but that is because it is your body doing the work. Men don't have that going for them; and if you guys have been busily diverging from each other along separate belief paths, then all the more reason for him to doubt you. All the more reason for him to not have that ongoing trust and rapport with you that is now missing so badly.

Love is giving. And while I agree that we are all part of a Universal Oneness, well--we do have to deal in the material realm of individual people, events, things. So, we have to be able to give to people in material ways and deal with things and events in this mundane realm. In this case, you would not be giving him a 'thing', an object--but giving something he can still hold onto in the form of a mw's visit and what she may have to say about your pregnancy. You first would be honoring his need to understand this in his own way which is different than yours--and in an important way, loving him thereby; second of course is the 'proof' such a check-up can bring, that can satisfy his rational mind.

If you are right about being pregnant and the time you are probably due, then you are running out of time to prepare. Seems to me that first is to reach out to him in love--find out what HE would consider being loved by you, such as a mw visit. If he really is beyond your reach, and beyond caring about how he can plug into and support this new life coming, then it is time to find your own path to birth and the time following. For your own health as well as baby's, it is time to take loving, directed action.

all the best on this journey!
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#10 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 11:54 AM
 
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Honestly....well, it sounds to me like both of you are having a hard time around 'ego', not just him. Both being fairly stuck on your own little islands of belief and 'what is right'...
That's a very keen observation; I agree. I think a little flexibility, and some opening and releasing the flow of the heart energy might go a long way, in this situation. At the very least, whether it saves your partnership/marriage or not, it will help you two have a more congenial and friendly relationship, which is important for the children.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#11 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 03:22 PM
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Dude, you've got to go get this pregnancy confirmed by an outside observer. Just have the ultrasound and you and your husband can move on.
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#12 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 03:37 PM
 
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: Seriously.
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#13 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 03:47 PM
 
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I have to agree that i think it is perfectly reasonable to give him something he can "see", since he can't feel what you feel. since you DID have positive pg tests with your first pregnancy, it seems unlikle yyou are one of those women who does not get them...so if you are truly 7 months pregnant,m you should certainly be getting a BFP at this point....get a test for a fricken dollar and pee on it, lol. If it still shows up negative, and yet you are presumably this far along, I agree that getting some sort fo other confirmation via heartbeat or ultrasound is reasonable. i like how msblack said love is giving. talk and come to some sort fo compromise.....like, you get some "proof" you are pregnant and he will start preparing with you. Or whatever.

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#14 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 03:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to all who responded...I agree on some level with everything that's been said since it's all very sound, thoughtful advice. I think I may have diverted the attention of the thread a bit too much towards the issue surrounding my husband trusting me to know my own body when it comes to this pregnancy. That was simply an example of how disconnected we've become. I have seriously thought about seeing a midwife to get an ultrasound and/or blood work done a number of times, but it has become very clear to me that I am supposed to listen to my intuition. All of the surface evidence that points to me being not pregnant compounded with my husband holding onto that as a possibility has simply made it even more difficult for me to stay centered in my body/intuition and not look to others to validate what I'm feeling/experiencing.

After writing this yesterday I was able to see this clearly. I have to let go of needing his validation and also let go of trying to "mend things" which isn't as simple as simply going out dates more often or opening our hearts to each other. This is how this baby was conceived...we had had our hearts closed off from each other for a long, long time. We had been working on becoming more heart-centered, which then opened us up to making love. However, we can't go back to that state of being...I've moved on, he's moved on...now I have to let go of any expectations and let things flow as they should.

Anyway, I thought I'd give everyone an update.
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#15 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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Thanks to all who responded...I agree on some level with everything that's been said since it's all very sound, thoughtful advice. I think I may have diverted the attention of the thread a bit too much towards the issue surrounding my husband trusting me to know my own body when it comes to this pregnancy. That was simply an example of how disconnected we've become. I have seriously thought about seeing a midwife to get an ultrasound and/or blood work done a number of times, but it has become very clear to me that I am supposed to listen to my intuition. All of the surface evidence that points to me being not pregnant compounded with my husband holding onto that as a possibility has simply made it even more difficult for me to stay centered in my body/intuition and not look to others to validate what I'm feeling/experiencing.

After writing this yesterday I was able to see this clearly. I have to let go of needing his validation and also let go of trying to "mend things" which isn't as simple as simply going out dates more often or opening our hearts to each other. This is how this baby was conceived...we had had our hearts closed off from each other for a long, long time. We had been working on becoming more heart-centered, which then opened us up to making love. However, we can't go back to that state of being...I've moved on, he's moved on...now I have to let go of any expectations and let things flow as they should.

Anyway, I thought I'd give everyone an update.
but don't you want clear validation that you are in fact pregnant? why not get a test or u/s?

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#16 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 05:10 PM
 
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With my son, I got a BFP right away and Chris (my husband) and I immediately started planning for the UC. He was there for me all throughout the pregnancy and during the birth. This time, for some reason I have only gotten BFNs (I took several during the first few months of the pregnancy)
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I continued to have monthly bleeding.
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we've only made love once in the last year
I really think you should see a doctor or a midwife and get check out. It sounds like your symptoms might be a result of something else, not pregnancy. My thoughts are with you and I'm wishing you the best.

ETA:
It sounds like a UC is important to you. You can still have a UC even if you see a doctor or midwife to help you determine your pregnancy.

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#17 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 05:11 PM
 
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I have seriously thought about seeing a midwife to get an ultrasound and/or blood work done a number of times, but it has become very clear to me that I am supposed to listen to my intuition.
But is that fair to your husband if that means you won't get any proof for him? Is HE supposed to listen to your intuition? Is that fair? I don't understand how getting proof for him is the same as not trusting your intuition. It seems like you want to test yourself-- and maybe him-- somehow. That kind of behavior isn't very healthy in a relationship.

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All of the surface evidence that points to me being not pregnant compounded with my husband holding onto that as a possibility has simply made it even more difficult for me to stay centered in my body/intuition and not look to others to validate what I'm feeling/experiencing.
I'm sorry, but you are making yourself a victim here. Nobody can make you not trust yourself. It sounds like you are shutting him out because you have such low self-esteem, that you can't stand to be questioned or doubted. You require constant outside validation to make you feel good about yourself. (That's symptom number one of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It usually sets in in the mid-to-late twenties and worsens with age, just FYI. Unfortunately most people with NPD are too defensive/self-focused/validation-driven to be able to see that they have this problem.)

You know you could shut out everyone who challenges you or doesn't "validate" you, but honestly will that leave you very spiritually centered? Will that leave you feeling happy or emotionally balanced?

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After writing this yesterday I was able to see this clearly. I have to let go of needing his validation and also let go of trying to "mend things" which isn't as simple as simply going out dates more often or opening our hearts to each other. This is how this baby was conceived...we had had our hearts closed off from each other for a long, long time. We had been working on becoming more heart-centered, which then opened us up to making love. However, we can't go back to that state of being...I've moved on, he's moved on...now I have to let go of any expectations and let things flow as they should.
The only reason you can't go back to that is because you have chosen to be stubborn, apparently totally focused on your own wants/needs and refusing to compromise. He's moved on because, how can anyone have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who is unwilling to compromise? I am really not trying to be mean, I'm just being totally honest with you, because I care and I do not want you to end up like my mom. She too is a totally awesome, amazing woman, who taught me a lot and she does UC also, and was an AP parent and the whole bit. But she is only in relationships for the validation they bring her. She cuts off anyone who doesn't validate her (but she always blames it on them.) She is very defensive and very inflexible. She has NPD. And I no longer speak with her. I do not want that to be your destiny with your children!

You are correct in that, you do need to let go of your need for him to validate you. It's very unhealthy to expect other people to validate you. But you also need human relationships,and to maintain healthy human relationships, you need to be able to have give and take, and you can't expect everyone you love in your life to validate you. (If love is conditional based on validation, it is not real love.) What if your children don't validate your choices someday? Are you going to test/punish them becasue they challenge your self-esteem issues?

I suggest reading up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and examining yourself very carefully. Although most people don't have NPD, many people who do not have NPD display NPD traits from time to time, and it can be helpful to recognize those traits for what they are, because they are destructive. If nothing else it will help you be a better parent. Often, children of parents who had NPD will display some NPD traits without actually having the disorder themselves. If one of your parents had NPD, you know you don't want to go down that road!

BTW, I suggest using Bach flower essences. They can be so emotionally healing and help you become energetically centered so that you can trust yourself more and be more flexible.

Well, good luck with everything.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#18 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 05:26 PM
 
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Wow, that is a rough situation, but I can definitely see where your husband is coming from, esp. with the pregnancy tests coming up blank after previously getting positives. Have you ever heard of pseudocyesis? There have been several women here who have experienced it.
I'd suggest a fetoscope that he can use to listen to the heartbeat. That will bring him into a more secure and connected place with the fact of your pregnancy and the immenient arrival of a new babe - and if he doesn't hear a heartbeat, well, that might open some other doors within you to go and get your pregnancy confirmed, swelling belly and kicks notwithstanding.

I hope you have a fabulous UC 2+ months from now.... and even if you don't, that your marriage strengthens and grows from this experience.

Good luck!

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#19 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 05:29 PM
 
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Have you ever heard of pseudocyesis?
that was my first thought. OP - the fact that you won't do a simple confirmation u/s or doppler should help you see that maybe something is off here. I wish you well.

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#20 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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We had been working on becoming more heart-centered, which then opened us up to making love. However, we can't go back to that state of being...I've moved on, he's moved on...now I have to let go of any expectations and let things flow as they should.>>>>>

Flowing as they should be... would be the two of you who made this baby.. delivering and raising this baby together.

Your beef is disconnect and parallel living. Yet you're being narcisstic and won't compromise. It might be even described as destructive behavior. I urge you to reconsider.. all of this "he's moved on, I've moved on". You have children, after all. Or at least one, and a long topic thread.

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#21 of 64 Old 11-17-2008, 06:04 PM
 
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i wanted to add that the kind of hormonal imbalances that mimic pregnancy symptoms, or that might be the cause of Pseudocyesis, can cause depression and other altered states of mind -- in which case you would be more likely to have communication and emotional issues with your husband.

when you are depressed you are less likely to appreciate the validation that IS there. when i was depressed i was sure that i wouldn't ever be able to handle the differences between my dp and i.

also, my experience with depression caused an out of control radical change in spiritual beliefs for me, which i'm still kind of reeling from even though i've been on an anti-depressant for a year. i'm not sure this is necessarily your experience but just thought i'd throw it out there.

as for the very basics of the realtionship, uc notwithstanding, come over and pst it in the parents as partners section. you'll get lots of replies!

have you thought of couples counseling?
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#22 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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I say this a gently as possible---but I don't think you are actually pregnant. It sounds like you are struggling with something else entirely, and need help. I think it may be time for you to seek out a caring therapist that can help you sort all of this out. You also may need to see a medical doctor to just see what is going on with your body. Since it appears you are having a period each month, your expanding waistline may be due to a hormonal imbalance or even a thyroid condition. There are many medical conditions that can alter our brain chemistry and hormones.

I encourage you to look for some help. Maybe you could call a friend who has been to a therapist for a recommendation.

hugs,
Lisa
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#23 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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Under the circumstances, I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to want some sort of proof that you really are pregnant. Can't you just buy a test and show it to him? Is there some reason that you don't want to do that?
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#24 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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Under the circumstances, I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to want some sort of proof that you really are pregnant. Can't you just buy a test and show it to him? Is there some reason that you don't want to do that?
I believe she said that every time she takes a test, it comes back negative, which is the main reason her DH is doubtful.....

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#25 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 03:52 PM
 
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Just to be clear, QuantumMama--

I am not suggesting that YOU need the external validation (even though I think it is POSSIBLE that you will get clarifying info, such as a due moon). I was suggesting you see a mw or do something to give your partner the external validation of this pregnancy that HE needs.

But from your last post it sounds like you've made your decision to proceed on your own, without your partner. So, if that is the way it is, then all other discussion or advice is pretty moot now.

best to you and yours.
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#26 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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i can't decide if the op's dh is being emotionally neglectful by ignoring what a big deal this is

or if he is just overwhelmed by the op's changed state and is avoiding the subject


of course everyone is different but if it were my situation, my dp would have tried to prove my pregnancy by purchasing a doppler, and asking to hear his baby's heartbeat

or, if he thought i was really wrong about being pregnant he would have contacted outside professional help by now -- getting in contact with family or friends, doctor or a psychotherapist

and my dp is very very emotionally distant -- he has asperger syndrome, and shuts down completely about almost anything that is important to me.

*****

either way op, you have my validation that there ARE huge issues going on in your marriage that aren't just your fault

get this figured out. for the sake of quantam, find out if you are really pregnant. if you aren't -- you can start preparing yourself for breaking the news to him that his little sister isn't coming right now after all

then you can work with a doc to get your body in balance and decide if you want to work on your marriage

if you are pregnant, you'll have the pregnancy paperwork be able to get on medicaid and get child support from dh if moving on is the path you choose to take
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#27 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, let's stop the bus, people. This is getting a bit out of hand. I'm starting to feel like I'm being treated like a mental projection based on my story. Also, the whole focus on me getting "proof" is NOT the reason for me bringing any of this up. I tried to explain that before, but you guys are still stuck on it. I came to the UC forum to share what's going on because I assumed that at least some of you would understand the nature of intuition and being able to hear it. How can so many of you say that it doesn't sound like I'm pregnant when you're not in my body? This was my whole point about what I learned from my story...that seeking outside validation is a sign that one has dis-empowered themselves. All the answers we need, all the "tools" that are required for life exist within us. Being UCers, aren't at least some of you aware of this?? So please, people, stop the theories about what's going on with me, stop trying to diagnose me like you're my doctor, stop trying to psychoanalyze me because it's a waste of energy. I didn't come here for that. I simply needed to get all of that off my chest and learn from it and possibly glean some wisdom from others, but now I see that that is pointless. Also, I am not "doing" anything to Chris--he is not in a state of panic over this nor am I not seeing a midwife or doctor out of stubbornness or whatever. Again, intuition is the key. He doesn't feel a need to control this (aka the need to find out for certain) nor do I. I know I am in excellent health (intuition again) so let's end this chaos, shall we?
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#28 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 04:17 PM
 
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so are you considering uc'ing somewhere else or moving out before the baby is born?
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#29 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 04:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know that reacting won't help, so if I move out because I feel the need to leave due to not feeling very connected to Chris then I'm not honoring my spirit. At this point, I'm letting go of all expectations and desires and seeing what flows from that place.



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Originally Posted by momma4fun View Post
so are you considering uc'ing somewhere else or moving out before the baby is born?
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#30 of 64 Old 11-18-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuantumMama View Post
At this point, I'm letting go of all expectations and desires and seeing what flows from that place.
you have superpowers! how does one do this? i have no idea how i could go from being deeply hurt one day, to just releasing it the next day without any expectation or desire to heal from it or make a new connection with it. must be my logical mind (not trying to be snarky -- your book looks really interesting)
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