waning support...feeling heartbroken. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 03:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So tonite, while preparing food for DS's lunch tomorrow (food allergies, intolerances, a whole 'nother issue) I got into a heated discussion w/ DH about my plans for child led weaning...which until recently were OUR plans for nursing DS until HE was done nursing. He said some pretty harsh things. I think it boils down to DH not being able to fend off his (expletive reserved) family's judgements and negative comments. I just almost can't handle it though. I have had to completely change my own diet to preserve my opportunity to give this gift to DS, because of his food issues. I won't go into a list of what I can't eat, but it's pretty nuts.

I have dealt with friends coming out a telling me I am crazy to do what I have done to keep breastfeeding. I have had people ostracize me, saying things like, "well, I don't know why SHE'S COMING, she can't eat anything anyway". There are plenty of people who have come very close to outright stating they think it's all in my head (Never mind the blood in his diaper, trip to the hospital, repeated outbreaks whenever I trial one of the questionable foods).. Oh, and then there are the comments from the in-laws. But up to this point, I at least could comfort myself with the fact that DH and I were together on the same page. I had to do the heavy lifting, but we both believed it was best. I am just having this horrible "et tu Brute?" experience. I don't know where to turn to process how hurt i feel because it was DH that understood the best how hard this has all been.

I have made it so far. DS is 2 years, 7 mos old, and the diet started when he had blood in his stool at 2 mos.

I am heartbroken. I feel defeated. Please, guys...I think I need support.

Momma to one small person I call Smoodgie :joy.gif
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#2 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 04:16 AM
 
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Wow, sorry to hear about your difficulties. I haven't had this experience, but just wanted to say that what you are doing is undoubtedly the best thing for ds.

I didn't wean dd1 till after her 4th birthday. When I limited/cut down on nursing before that, it was a struggle every time. When I decided to wean completely, it was a response to her behavior, and it was practially painless, no resistance at all. I knew then that I had done exactly what she needed. No matter what happens in the future, this is one thing I've done that I will never have any doubts about. There are other choices I've made that I already regret, so I can definitely say that it is worth it.

Clearly the food issues make it much more difficult. (though now that I think about it, I did make some dietary changes in the first year) Still, I think the food intolerances make it even more important nutritionally that he get your milk. But you know that . . .

Maybe dh will come around. Keep it up as long as your instinct tells you to!
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#3 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 10:29 AM
 
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mama

i'm sorry you had that conversation. do you think that your DH is frustrated and just took it out on you? i know that DH and I have blow-ups occassionally that boil down to that fact (we're both frustrated and need someone to vent at). could you sit down with him and tell him point-blank how hurtful that is to not have his support?

you're trusting your and your son's instincts. that trust will serve you well over both of your lifetimes.

if it helps to know, i'm still nursing both of my girls. DD1 is 4y2m and DD2 is 2y1m. DD1 nursed less and less as she got older. sometimes it's down to 1x/week, but sometimes it's 2x/day. i like to know that it's there for her when she needs it. and when she's having a rxn or having a general freakout, it's an instant comfort and can curtail an hour's worth of screaming. i'm so glad that we're on this journey together.

my DH has made a few comments recently about her weaning, but since she's clearly setting her own path, he's respecting that, too.

at 2.5, DD1 was nursing a lot (i also had a 6m old, too, so i'm sure a lot of it was the power of suggestion). DD2 who is newly 2 nurses a lot, too, but to a variable degree. again, trusting them to walk the path to weaning at a good pace for all involved can be so nice.

that sort of got tangent-y there, but i hope i was able to convey some support and encouragement.

Nessa, DD1 (5) DD2 (3) & expecting again in late February/early March!
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#4 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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I'm really sorry That has to sting. I hope your dh is able to see that this is small sacrifice you are making for a lifetime of benefit. You're giving him the best chance of outgrowing his allergies so that he can hopefully live an easier life. I'm sorry your dh is having a hard time seeing that.
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#5 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 12:45 PM
 
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Not defending your DH's behavior, however, I know that my DH has felt helpless at times to "fix" his kids, and so he lashes out. Not knowing why, and not knowing how to make it better, is hard on a guy (hard on a woman too, but since you ARE doing something, he may feel it more). So you may want to reiterate how you are feeling and that having his support means a lot to you. And maybe you'll get back on the same page. I don't know what I'd do without my DH's support, truly. I feel for you. Many, many .

Kathy, mother of 3, wife of 1. My new recipe blog: www.kathysrecipebox.wordpress.com (no longer searchable by allergen, but at least it doesn't have a virus!)
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#6 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 12:48 PM
 
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Can you talk to dh? How is *he* feeling right now? If he used to be on board and now he's not, is something else getting to be too much for him? If your situation were happening in my house, it would be time to pour some loving on dh, and then when he's feeling better, come back to the nursing/weaning discussions and try to figure out *why* he's suddenly changed his mind, and tell him why I really, really want to continue - pointing out all the immediate benefits and how it makes life easier in the everyday short term rather than the abstract long term.

For us, thankfully dh is totally on board (his siblings nursed till they were 3), but when other people comment, I tell them that dd is way more likely to 'outgrow' her allergies if she's still nursing, and point out how much easier it is to get vitamins into her by me just taking them myself. And we're seeing real results from the vitamins, so that helps.


allergy-nutrition mama, dh, 4yo dd, and March ds
Eating shouldn't be stressful!
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#7 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 12:49 PM
 
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I'm sending you hugs, as I can imagine that I may be writing a similar post one day. It's really awful to feel like you're in this alone. And to have the one person you thought was with you suddenly abandon you - even worse. I'm so sorry.

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

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#8 of 15 Old 06-30-2009, 01:14 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you are going through all that. I can't imagine. I know I've felt like, "Why am I going, I can't eat anything anyway?" but I really can't imagine someone else saying it, that would be SO hurtful.

I'm lucky my dh is on board w/the nursing. I also am tandem nursing like Menomena. My ds is 3.5, my dd (with the allergies and intolerances) will be 2 in Sept. Like you, I've cut out an insane amount of foods to be able to keep going. I know sometimes it feels thankless. But is is a priceless gift, in more ways than one, to your lo.

You've got my full support mama!!!!!!!!!!



~Tracy

Rockin' mama to Allison (9), Asher (5) and Alethea (3), head over heels in love with my sexy husband, Tony.

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#9 of 15 Old 07-01-2009, 06:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everybody for the posts. It feels good to be supported.

Sorry it has taken me two days to say thanks, but this took the wind out of my sails.

Do any of you have favorite references to demonstrate the benefits? I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, but I suddenly feel the need to prove it. Whome, when you say what you did about "outgrowing" allergies, is there anything written about that you know of? Another part of it that really concerns me is the attachment/ relationship. MaYbe i can find some articles on that.

I guess I was okay with other people thinking it was all in my head, or whatever, but the thought of DH thinking that way....wow.

Momma to one small person I call Smoodgie :joy.gif
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#10 of 15 Old 07-01-2009, 08:07 PM
 
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This one is the best I've found, that talks about slow entry of new foods training baby's system to accept them as food not enemy. I tend to take an extreme interpretation of 'slow' though.
http://www.americanscientist.org/iss...food-allergies

In light of the detox stuff, there are benefits of continued nursing (connection, dealing with reaction times, having a better idea of when a behavior reaction is going on (dd will do nothing but nurse/videos all day), ease of getting some supplements into child, convenience of having a VERY nutritious food source, every day, etc) but there are also drawbacks, like if mom's not detoxing well and kid is reacting to mom's reactions. Personally, I *do* think dd is reacting to me to an extent, but I use that as motivation to get things healthier, and I see it as a very good measuring stick of how well we're doing. Before she started reacting, I never would have guessed that I had issues but seeing her response, it's crystal clear. Without seeing her reactions, I'd never have gotten near as far as we have. And to me, it's important to heal *myself* as much as possible, because we want to have more kids and I want to reduce the chances of more sensitivities as much as possible.

allergy-nutrition mama, dh, 4yo dd, and March ds
Eating shouldn't be stressful!
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#11 of 15 Old 07-02-2009, 10:11 AM
 
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Before she started reacting, I never would have guessed that I had issues but seeing her response, it's crystal clear. Without seeing her reactions, I'd never have gotten near as far as we have. And to me, it's important to heal *myself* as much as possible, because we want to have more kids and I want to reduce the chances of more sensitivities as much as possible.
yes, this, 100%. i often say that lily was sent here to heal us all.

Nessa, DD1 (5) DD2 (3) & expecting again in late February/early March!
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#12 of 15 Old 07-02-2009, 12:09 PM
 
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I'm sorry, it's frustrating. Olivia is only 4.5 mos and for some reason DH just isn't on board this time w/ the elimination. I keep mentioning she's still haveing problems and he tells me to eat more food, like the ones I've been eliminating. Um yeah, b/c not eating isn't working so eating them must be the answer despite the awful bloody diapers last week when I cheated. Ugh. Hugs!

Jennifer, LPN and nursing student, Doula, CPST, and VBAC mama x3 to
AJ (5/03), Evan (12/04), Ilana (11/06), Olivia (2/09), and Unity (8/2012)

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#13 of 15 Old 07-02-2009, 12:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by thepeach80 View Post
I'm sorry, it's frustrating. Olivia is only 4.5 mos and for some reason DH just isn't on board this time w/ the elimination. I keep mentioning she's still haveing problems and he tells me to eat more food, like the ones I've been eliminating. Um yeah, b/c not eating isn't working so eating them must be the answer despite the awful bloody diapers last week when I cheated. Ugh. Hugs!
Dh has been the same way. Only now, it's turning out he was right, sort of. He kept/keeps saying, 'what if it's something *missing* that's causing all the issues, and cutting more and more stuff out will never get us an answer?' And sure enough, it's the nutrients that are missing, and cutting stuff out doesn't get us much of anywhere. Of course, that doesn't mean it's wise to bring everything back for the sake of getting unidentified nutrients, but it does give another angle to attack things.

allergy-nutrition mama, dh, 4yo dd, and March ds
Eating shouldn't be stressful!
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#14 of 15 Old 07-02-2009, 04:20 PM
 
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i think that's an interesting perspective, and one that's turned out to be true for us. but, sort of mixed. meaning: we have problems with wheat/gluten, dairy, soy, corn, eggs, tree nuts & seeds, and sulfate foods. for us, eliminating them is a quality of life issue. (eta: meaning, elimination makes life good; eating them = insanity and misery). however, we were still detoxing majorly (are now sort of in the 'minorly' or residuals phase) so no matter how much we eliminated, we still had major symptoms. and seemingly erratic. we're at a fairly live-able baseline, with the occasional slip up, here and there. however, now, like whoMe, we're focusing on rebalancing our nutritional stores. (eta: but, still avoiding dairy, gluten, corn, eggs (though duck eggs seem to be okay), most tree nuts and seeds, soy, and we're going easy on the onions et, al). also, we're looking at an underlying reason things got out of whack - in our case, i'm finding a high probability of yeast-related issues. i'm thinking if we can get the yeast under control and get the nutritional stores up, we'll be in a really good place. oh and those two things will improve our digestion, and that is a major factor for us. the girls and i have seriously low stomach acid and inefficient digestion. all that said, i'm not sure if we'll ever really get gluten or dairy back, but we'll see. finally, this journey has seriously altered the way i view food. there is no way i will ever eat the way i ate 4yrs ago again.

Nessa, DD1 (5) DD2 (3) & expecting again in late February/early March!
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#15 of 15 Old 07-03-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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Do you need recipes for "normal" food that just tastes wonderful and could be shared with these naysayers? KathyJ is a magical chef with ingredients (and missing culprit ingredients!).

Sounds like dh is concerned with the disruption to everyone's lives. Are there ways to make everything more "normal-ish" for him and his extended family?

Pat

I have a blog.
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