Do You Ever Get Tired of Judgements? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 05:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I've reached a point where I'm tired of explaining to others my dietary changes due to suspected DS's allergies/intolerances. I'm tired of explaining why I'm doing this and I'm tired of being at the receiving end of judgemental questions (like, "well if you haven't done allergy testing, how do you really know?" or "well he looks healthy to me, what are you so worried about?!").

Maybe I'm being sensitive but I feel like others (even close friends and family) think I'm crazy....as if I WANT to restrict my diet! And the ultimate annoyance, IMO, is when *people* who have no children and no experience breastfeeding, spew all sorts of *questions* at me in a oh-so judgemental way.

So am I alone in feeling this way or is it par for the course when ED? And did you simply stop talking about, referring to, explaining your (and DC's) situation?
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#2 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 05:30 PM
 
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I get tired of people acting like I'm putting them "out" by asking for further information on ingredients/meals. I'm sorry, but I don't see a need to have my 4 year old girl in pain and crying for days because you couldn't tell me you put butter or milk in X or coughing all night because she ate something with corn/wheat/gluten (still pinpointing this one). They don't seem to understand that she's not dairy,soy,corn,wheat,gluten free because I "feel like it". It's because it's what is best for her.

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#3 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I get tired of people acting like I'm putting them "out" by asking for further information on ingredients/meals.
Totally!
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#4 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 05:37 PM
 
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i get comments. it takes a lot of eliminating to figure out allergies... and its NOT exact.

i get the "whats ARE you guys eating NOW?" a lot. i have cut dairy, soy, corn, wheat, peanuts, and nightshades...and each time i get "the look"

people also doubt the gluten sensitivity... like i make up the dark eye circles, body rash and drastic change in temperment.

yeah, because i sure LOVE being gluten free. its soooo convenient.

when its you or your kids breaking out in painful rashes and getting sick tummies everyday you do what you have to.

except for when you see kids reacting to things in their diet and the parents assure you they are just fine.

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#5 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 05:37 PM
 
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Totally!
and it never fails that if i dont ask- its contaminated!

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#6 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 08:00 PM
 
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In a word, yes. LOL

You can just look at my toddler and she is a mess - but she tested negative for allergies and that is all that matters. Forget tryng to explain intolerances. Although every. single. member of my immediate family has spent years in and out of the hospital for gi issues and they have to eat their meals around planning when to go out because if they aren't careful they spend more time out in the bathroom then actually enjoying themselves. And ezcema and cradle cap are so common - although probably not so much in a 20 month old - that we don't question what might be causing it. It is irritating. sorry and hugs.
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#7 of 25 Old 08-18-2010, 11:54 PM
 
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Oh, yeah....totally...

My family has given up msg, all artificial ingrediants and most preservatives....try THAT one! My family REALLY thinks I'm crazy now! Despite the fact I am over three years symptom free of bipolar disorder as is my daughter....at that they roll their eyes......don't ask them about their ingredients though...that's just too inconvenient for them....sigh

Orthodox Christian mother of 3 ; Thea, Keegan, and Alexander
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
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#8 of 25 Old 08-19-2010, 12:09 AM
 
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I haven't had any problems, but most people who we deal with on a regular basis know I have Celiac, know my older two have confirmed IgE allergies, and know my youngest has FPIES (some people have even seen the projectile vomiting spree she goes on if she gets an allergen). But I also know that it's a lot to ask people to accomodate (between the kids and I, we have to be gluten, dairy, egg, peanut, scallops, kidney bean, and tree nut free due to confirmed IgE allergies or FPIES). People are used to me just asking what the menu is so that I can bring something safe for us.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever gotten any trouble from anyone, but I don't make a big deal out of it and don't expect accomodations, and so people usually just let it slide. If we're invited over, they'll ask what we can eat, and I'll give a list of stuff that's safe, easy, affordable, etc (like saying "rice, plain meats, fruits, veggies, potatoes, and fish are ok" gives a lot of options, and it's easier for people to deal with than a whole list of "don'ts") I also don't worry about my list of "non allergies but don't eats", like refined sugar, msg, artificial dyes, etc. I only worry about our true allergies out of the house and then deal with my "standards" at home.

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#9 of 25 Old 08-19-2010, 02:56 AM
 
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some people are just a-holes. Ignore them or BLAST them - once blasted w/a, "what the hell business is it of yours" type of blasting, i can assure you, you will never hear another peep. And, really, it's none of their business how you choose to do things - i.e. bf-ing or doing your best to do the best for your children. It's not their children. Perhaps, they are soooo incapable of making any major sacrifice for their own loved ones w/limited emotional/physical/mental real estate or stamina or will-power, that your determination to do the right thing for you children threatens them. Most people just don't care - they don't care if their children suffer. I mean it, they really don't care, calling it 'normal'. for example, I think it is horrible to let a baby, "cry it out". That said, most people seem to have no problems w/that. So, tell these busy-bodies to mind their own business and respect your choices or f-off. Actually, really, WHY do you think they even comment? Do you comment on their lives? Sheeesh!

Congratulations for forging ahead despite all the "noise" and a-holes out there trying to undermine your efforts for doing your best for your babies. To comment about bf-ing is outrageous. It is the best thing to do, and what's it to them anyway?!!!!

What is wrong w/people that they don't know how to keep their lame, uneducated, uninformed, ignorant comments to themselves? Seriously, BLAST THEM & I guarantee they will learn a much-needed lesson in keeping their ignorant mouths shut.
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#10 of 25 Old 08-19-2010, 07:31 AM
 
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Yep. We've lost friendships over it. People who don't think it is real and seem to shy away from getting together without food involvement.

I've even had one neighbor doubt us to the point that she gave DS something that he reacts to. Thankfully we have no IgE allergies, but she STILL doesn't believe us because after that she wasn't the one up with him for a few nights and cleaning up diarrhea because of the food she fed him. Needless to say, that neighbor is not around him with food anymore. In my neighborhood, most folks act as if feeding my child a strict diet to improve his health - particularly one that doesn't involve any junk food - is detrimental to him. Drives me absolutely batty to get dragged into conversation about it.

I don't even bother asking ingredients or trying to eat food that others have prepared. Unless I'm standing right beside the cook, the only food I will eat other than what I have prepared myself is a local MDC mama. She's got more severe allergies than we do, so she gets it. We're just too complicated to bother asking folks to accommodate us... and not that most could do it safely anyhow.

Steph, Mama to Alex (04/08) We :::
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#11 of 25 Old 08-20-2010, 04:01 PM
 
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Yep.

DS has both life threatening anaphylactic allergies and also food intolerances (sleep disturbances, urine incontinence, eczema, and behavioral reactions to foods containing the natural food chemical salicylate).

-Lost a longtime friendship for me, and it's looking like DS lost his best friend as well.

-Contributed greatly to the end of my marriage.

However, this journey also:

-Led me to heal myself of a painful autoimmune condition and gi problems.

-Changed DS's health enormously in many ways that probably can't be proven but a mother just knows (he had ASD symptoms for a while, all food induced).

-Made me really understand TRUE health and nutrition, discovered the Weston Price Foundation and also alternative methods of healing and how powerful natural supplements can be, as they are what the body really runs on.

-Helped me rediscover my true friends, and that has been so healing in and of itself because not only do they support me, but I learn from them as well.

-And just plain gave me a renewed appreciation of life and my own capabilities, and a positive outlook.
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#12 of 25 Old 08-23-2010, 02:16 AM
 
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Wow, what a wonderful way to express it, Jane! I've been feeling pressured as well, yet when I read your post it made me realize all the positive things it has brought into my life as well. Thanks!

: DS - June '07 : DS2 - May '09 : (may be delayed a really long time!)
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#13 of 25 Old 08-23-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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I hate the "Well, you can't shelter him from it forever" mentality I get. Even after a "We trialed it X months ago and it's still an issue" (dairy issue...I know some grow out of it) I've gotten eye rolls from FIL...You know, because I ENJOY making it complicated when we come visit.

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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#14 of 25 Old 08-24-2010, 01:43 PM
 
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My MIL has told me that you can't avoid MSG because it's "in everything." Everything she eats, maybe, because all she eats is prepackaged crap. But amazingly I can grocery shop every week and bring home nothing at all with MSG in it. She doesn't believe me.

Mama to 2 sweet gorgeous children, a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD.
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#15 of 25 Old 08-24-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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My MIL has told me that you can't avoid MSG because it's "in everything." Everything she eats, maybe, because all she eats is prepackaged crap. But amazingly I can grocery shop every week and bring home nothing at all with MSG in it. She doesn't believe me.
I get this about HFCS...well, and "moderation is key!"

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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#16 of 25 Old 08-24-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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i think your perspective is inspiring jane!

the thing i never get- is how people can not think twice about needing a lab made chemical pill to be well, but the idea of food intolerances causing issues is just crazy!

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#17 of 25 Old 08-24-2010, 04:36 PM
 
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We just stopped visiting others at their homes. When we do I always bring our own snacks. Also, we insist that family visit at our house so we don't have to be a pain regarding food. I prepare all meals at our house so there's no worrying about others being "put out".
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#18 of 25 Old 08-25-2010, 03:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We just stopped visiting others at their homes. When we do I always bring our own snacks. Also, we insist that family visit at our house so we don't have to be a pain regarding food. I prepare all meals at our house so there's no worrying about others being "put out".
I find it hard to always avoid visiting friends and family, but I do try to at least bring my own snacks. Or eat before I go. But now I'm traveling to a big family gathering and I have NO idea how I"m going to get through the events and the meals. I think I'll be starving the entire weekend.

And I just have to add that my DH (who is quite insensitive at the moment, I think) just made a gooey cheese pizza and is enjoying it even as I sit here. Ugh...how mean. I would love a cheese pizza...and real cheese, not vegan!
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#19 of 25 Old 08-25-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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My friends are pretty accomodating and understands what I'm going thru. Especially one, who's dd is very similar to my dd3. Although, we don't do events with food much often.

My mom has more allergies and intolerances than dd3, so it's super safe there for dd3. She also buys the same brand, kind of prepackaged food as treats for dd3, so I don't have to worry.

My ils are good too. They barely do premade food, so it's easy to have safe foods for dd3. I also bring snacks for dd3 or go to the store once there for special snack or food items.

I keep telling ppl that I can't have a bad attitude about it as dd3 has a great attitude about her allergies. She know what she can eat and she will question if she can when she's not sure. If we tell her no, she can have it, it's really rare that she will be sad about it or do a temper tantrum because she can't have it. She's super thankful and excited when I find a special food that she can have.

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#20 of 25 Old 08-27-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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i think your perspective is inspiring jane!

the thing i never get- is how people can not think twice about needing a lab made chemical pill to be well, but the idea of food intolerances causing issues is just crazy!


Probably it's b/c that is the current perspective of mainstream medicine: drugs and surgery fix it all... and if they don't, it's all in your head so take this antidepressant or behavioral med. Oh and vitamins and minerals don't heal anything either. Very sad. Thank goodness for MDC!!
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#21 of 25 Old 08-28-2010, 08:47 AM
 
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I'm so sorry mamma! I can totally relate to your frustrations! My family was always supportive of me, so I didn't get alot of negativity from them. Although the famous line from them was "I feel so bad for you" or "Poor thing can't eat anything" directed at my son. I always just told them "don't feel bad for him....he's happy and healthy and he doesn't really know any different". As if I didn't have enough pity for myself, I didn't need them pittying me/us as well.

For others, usually if I explained what happens when he gets an offender and how miserable he becomes they let it be. Sometimes they are just questioning because they are trying to understand it or figure it out. They do always ask...."What is he eating now"? But, that's okay. I know that it is better for him this way and his health is better too!
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#22 of 25 Old 08-28-2010, 11:42 PM
 
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Yep, I think people think I'm mentally ill or obsessed with food or something. I cut gluten out several years ago and saw an immediate turnaround, plus an allergy test backed me up that I had an issue. But now, over the last year or so, I've lost other foods, so now I'm not eating corn, egg, or peanuts in addition to the gluten. For some odd reason, I can still do limited dairy. I do rice, beans, and dairy on an informal rotation basis (so if I eat a serving or two one day, I'll avoid it the rest of the week just to be safe) because I'm still slightly sensitive.

People just think I'm weird or hystronic I guess. Plus, most of my symptoms are neurologic or mental health related (except for crippling joint pain with gluten and some mostly minor gastrointestinal stuff with the other allergens) so they don't see me visibly ill or anything, which I think makes them doubt the whole situation even more.

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#23 of 25 Old 08-30-2010, 12:26 PM
 
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I'll tell you what they will understand:
ALCOHOL.

I think Jenny McCarthy said it best in her last book. Someone, I believe a doc, confronted her about the diet changes she wanted to make with her son and said, "I just don't see how food can affect his behavior." To that she said, "well then, you go to the bar and put a few margaritas in your stomach and let me know how that affects your behavior!"

If you put it in terms they understand, they'll get it. Unfortunately, the alcohol analogy is the only thing that works for us. Maybe its b/c we live in Louisiana where everyone drinks like Europeans.

Jenny, mother of two boys; 7-25-06 and 7-27-08. Loving wife to Cole. I love birth! :
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#24 of 25 Old 08-30-2010, 03:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
I hate the "Well, you can't shelter him from it forever" mentality I get. Even after a "We trialed it X months ago and it's still an issue" (dairy issue...I know some grow out of it) I've gotten eye rolls from FIL...You know, because I ENJOY making it complicated when we come visit.
Yes you can. You can shelter him and educate him about what's good for him and what isn't. My DS is terrified of getting cross-contaminated. He won't even use a fork if my DH has used it and then "licked it clean" or drink out of cup after DH grabbed a sip while eating something DS can't have. He knows what it does to him (screaming in agony all night long) and he doesn't want it at.all. My brother and SIL always made safe food for us. Sadly they just moved halfway across the country, so there goes that once-a-month fun. I just talked to my visiting (other) SIL about her son's congestion/ear tubes and asked if she'd considered dairy being a culprit. I got a you've-got-3-heads glance. She hasn't even had him tested for environmental allergies. Considering the allergies that run rampant in that family, it just seems like a given to get to the bottom of it before surgery. But they look at me like I'm the one who's batty. Yes, I get tired of it. That's why I hang out here!

Kathy, mother of 3, wife of 1. My new recipe blog: www.kathysrecipebox.wordpress.com (no longer searchable by allergen, but at least it doesn't have a virus!)
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#25 of 25 Old 08-30-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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I just talked to my visiting (other) SIL about her son's congestion/ear tubes and asked if she'd considered dairy being a culprit. I got a you've-got-3-heads glance. She hasn't even had him tested for environmental allergies.
That reminds me a of a friend of ours who's daughter has eczema. I asked, "Have you tried eliminating dairy?" and she was really confused for a minute and then had that lightbulb moment of "she had to be on soy formula." They haven't cut out dairy (the girls won't drink soy milk) but at least the seed was planted! I was surprised her doctor never even mentioned it.

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