When DD was three:
"We don't put chapstick on our vulva. It doesn't need chapstick".
Now the worst part. I re-cap the chapstick and set it on the nightstand as I re-direct DD to another part of the house. Yep, I forgot about it and an hour later DH comes walking into the kitchen applying a generous amount of chapstick to his lips.
He didn't find it nearly as hilarious as I did!
Student mama to Lyra June ( 10.24.09) and Olive Isis (12.12.11)
~Katie~ married to J, mom to DD- A 13 yrs ,DS- L 7yrs , and my little nursling DD2- R 5yrs.
We do not eat the sweep pile. (this drives me batty)
We do not climb inside the cupboard. (she gets stuck)
We do not eat poo.
We do not shove our hands in our throat so far back that we vomit.
We do not grab mamas vulva in the bath or when she is changing.
We do not eat diaper cream.
electronics need to stay dry, out of the mouth, bath and toilet.
We do not grab onto the janky wood crossbar on the screen door, hang with our full body weight and push the door open so we swiiiing! out. This can only end badly, and mama does not need one more broken thing to fix in this house.
We don't color directly on the floor, nor do we pee on it, nor do we spit on it, even if we clean it up right away afterwards. (What is UP with the that? My friend told DS that he is welcome to come out and spit-polish her motorcycle if he wants to though...she thought this behavior was hilarious.)
Mama's general rule is to kiss all your owies, but when you squash your foreskin under your Jack-in-the-box, "Kiss penis?" turns out to fall into the sorry-we-don't-do-that category.
"We don't body-slam the baby" (he didn't *really* body slam the baby, but he was pretending and I was afraid it was going to turn real)
"We don't put things in our foreskin"
"We do not sit on baby back to play horses" (he does it soft).
"Do not pretend to pee on your sister" (he gets in the mood where he pretends to pee on things or in things, but he doesn't it. He just holds his penis and goes around saying 'psssss' while pointing or putting it down cups once in a while).
"Do not jump over your sister"
Thought I wouldn't use "Stop kissing/hugging her so much" "Gave her a break" "Get off her"
We don't spit apple and give it to sister
We don't take food that sister spit to eat
...what's up with that today?
We don't pull sister off the patio table to climb on it instead - we don't climb on the table
"We don't lick the cat litter"
"We don't spit toilet water at each other"
"And we CERTAINLY don't put tree frogs in our mouths!"
We don't use the pliers on the dog.
He's only 14 months..........
Sara , Keith , Toby 6/08, Nomi 4/10, Mona 1/12
Mama of three, lover, student rabbi, spoonie, friend, musician, narcoleptic, space muffin, pretty much a dragon. Crunchy like matzoh.
We don't put allen wrenches in the dog's anus, she doesn't need "tightened".
(Especially when the dog is a 13 year old, blind, deaf, arthritic Labrador who never would've seen it coming).
We don't put our noses in sister's mouth.
(I don't know why she insists on doing this, but it's been 5 weeks now and seriously she tries it daily.)
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance"- Confucius
(from yesterday) We do not drink still water from the sandbox, it has bugs in it! (EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! There were a ton of tiny little tadpole shaped bugs in there too!!! :Puke )
You MUST put on clothes if you want to go outside.
We do not put playdough in our ear or nose. (How quickly we forget after our trip to the ER due to a lodged bead in the nose!)
We do not eat cat food.
Don't smush your poo between your fingers, it belongs in the toilet.
Daddy does not play "Mean Girl" or Pirate on public transit (long story).
ETA - dh just reminded me of this one - We do not play helicopter with the family cat.
We don't climb into/sit in the dishwasher.
We don't eat random things found on the floor.
We don't put dirty underwear on our head.
We don't drink bath water. Or suck on soapy washcloths.
We don't splash in the toilet.
We don't climb off the arm of the couch.
We don't put dirty diapers in our mouth.
And kitty is one GIANT don't...
...touch kitty's butt.
...yell in kitty's face.
...sit on kitty.
...pull kitty's tail, especially when he's on his tower.
...climb kitty's tower.
...eat fur or nails or anything that came off of kitty.
And we add new ones every day.
Glad I'm not the only one saying things like this!
15/52 craft projects completed in 2010.
Here are a few from our house:
We don't wake Mommy up in the morning with a flying tackle when you weigh over 40 pounds.
We don't poke Cheerios, noodles, carrots or cracker crumbs into the poles of the dining room chairs. They grow mold and begin to smell.
We don't poke markers up our noses, ears or any other bodily orifice.
We don't steal Mommy's iPod.
Dominoes don't make good food.
We don't store our books under the chair cushions. (Actually we do.)
We don't grind wheat in Daddy's very expensive coffee grinder to be like Laura Ingalls.
We don't paint using our hair.
Erin , Happy wife of Honey Bear , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) <>< oh, and I blog.
We do not put coins in the car CD player. (Got it out! Phew!)
We do not put our toes in Mommy's nose when nursing.
And to my 4 y.o.:
We do not tell dad he has "great nipples" at the public swimming pool in earshot of everybody. (WTH was that all about anyway????? )
We don't shove food into daddy's mouth while he's sleeping
We don't yank daddy's penis when he's stepping out of the shower
We don't unbuckle our carseat and then attempt to open the car door while mommy is driving
We don't threaten to fart on people when we're angry
We don't swing on the fridge door handle.
The dog does not LIKE carrots so do not feed them to her.
We don't climb the outside of the stairs.
If you found it on the floor/ground you are not SUPPOSED to eat it!
Don't brush the dog's face.
We don't stick our hand in front of Daddy while he is peeing.
We don't wipe our bum with our hands, esp. after pooping.
We shouldn't talk while nursing.
Please don't show everyone the food you just chewed up in your mouth.
Is Jacob dog thirsty? (As he drinks out of dogs bowl, this makes him giggle) Mommy has your water, jacob drinks from his cup!
Does jacob eat dog food? Nooooo! (said emphatically as he steals nuggets out of the bin!)
we dont shove ice in our diapers (i don't know why we'd want to....)
we don't sniff other baby's bottoms
Wow. I guess I'm in big trouble. How many times do you need to refresh their memories with all these "rules?" :-O
At our house:
We don't use our toothbrush to scrub every other surface in the house besides our teeth
We don't blow our nose and then put the kleenex back in the box
We don't colour on every other surface in the house besides the paper supplied
We don't play with dog poop (sometimes I miss a pile in the backyard!!! )
We don't drink out of the dog's water bowl