A Weekend Away - Would You Go? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 07:29 PM
 
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I know what I've seen. and it includes kids (toddlers even) crying for their moms.
And they'll still be crying for their moms at 30 if you never walk out that door!

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#92 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 07:44 PM
 
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And they'll still be crying for their moms at 30 if you never walk out that door!
Harsh.

Again, there is a vast difference in leaving your baby/toddler/child for ever increasing increments of time than there is in being the main caretaker and leaving for several hours, or even a weekend, when the child is not used to this sort of deviation.

At 6 months my DD was fine without me for 15 minutes. At 12 months, maybe a half hour to 45 minutes.

Now, at two, I can do things around the house or be away from here for an upward of two hours. After that, she starts worrying and needing me.

Perhaps when she's 3, it'll be six hours, and 4, overnight?

That's how our family works and this is how my daughter is.

It may not be the same for all and because its not the same, I don't think that people who choose to not leave their children should be criticized.

To me forcing a toddler or young child to learn to accept the absence of their parent, when its obviously distressing, is the equivalent of "teaching a baby independence."

Why is it not acceptable for an infant to be left alone, to cry, or be afraid and out of arms, but its seen as perfectly OK to force this on a needy toddler?

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#93 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:07 PM
 
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Harsh.

Again, there is a vast difference in leaving your baby/toddler/child for ever increasing increments of time than there is in being the main caretaker and leaving for several hours, or even a weekend, when the child is not used to this sort of deviation.

At 6 months my DD was fine without me for 15 minutes. At 12 months, maybe a half hour to 45 minutes.

Now, at two, I can do things around the house or be away from here for an upward of two hours. After that, she starts worrying and needing me.

Perhaps when she's 3, it'll be six hours, and 4, overnight?

That's how our family works and this is how my daughter is.

It may not be the same for all and because its not the same, I don't think that people who choose to not leave their children should be criticized.

To me forcing a toddler or young child to learn to accept the absence of their parent, when its obviously distressing, is the equivalent of "teaching a baby independence."

Why is it not acceptable for an infant to be left alone, to cry, or be afraid and out of arms, but its seen as perfectly OK to force this on a needy toddler?
Very well said, sparklin

Beene, actually the opposit of what you say tends to be true. Usually when you meet a child's needs until they grow out of them, then they grow into healthy independant adults. However, when their needs aren't met in the early years, that is when I see adults who act like babies.
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#94 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:11 PM
 
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again, I want to reiterate, I am not suggesting women martyr themselves to motherhood. I just know it's possible to meet your child's needs while also meeting your own. I leave my children from time to time. In increments of time that they can handle. I don't know of any toddler who feels GOOD about mom being gone for 24+ hours. And it is possible to "refresh" in shorter amounts of time. It doesn't have to be 24 - 48 hours at a time, or nothing at all. Part of parenting involves sacrifice and a change in lifestyle.
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#95 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:14 PM
 
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again, I want to reiterate, I am not suggesting women martyr themselves to motherhood. I just know it's possible to meet your child's needs while also meeting your own. I leave my children from time to time. In increments of time that they can handle. I don't know of any toddler who feels GOOD about mom being gone for 24+ hours. And it is possible to "refresh" in shorter amounts of time. It doesn't have to be 24 - 48 hours at a time, or nothing at all. Part of parenting involves sacrifice and a change in lifestyle.
I think the bristles are coming up because your philosophy is impossible to implement for WOHMs. You may feel that you're just stating facts, but the extrapolated message is that WOHMs are not doing the best thing for their babies, and that's hard for anyone to hear, no matter the issue.

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#96 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:22 PM
 
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I think the bristles are coming up because your philosophy is impossible to implement for WOHMs. You may feel that you're just stating facts, but the extrapolated message is that WOHMs are not doing the best thing for their babies, and that's hard for anyone to hear, no matter the issue.
while I understand it is necessary for some women to work, I don't think it makes their babies miss them any less, than those of moms who are just going out for fun.
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#97 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:24 PM
 
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while I understand it is necessary for some women to work, I don't think it makes their babies miss them any less, than those of moms who are just going out for fun.
That's clear from your posts. And I can tell that you really are just stating your beliefs (which I don't share, for the most part) without snark. I'm just saying that I can also see how your remarks may be hurtful for WOHMs to read.

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#98 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:25 PM
 
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I think the bristles are coming up because your philosophy is impossible to implement for WOHMs. You may feel that you're just stating facts, but the extrapolated message is that WOHMs are not doing the best thing for their babies, and that's hard for anyone to hear, no matter the issue.
and actually maybe they're not doing the best thing in terms of their child's emotions. But I understand that there are other factors like needing to buy groceries, etc. which benefit the child in other ways. I think babies are designed by nature/God to need close proximity to their moms. And I use the term baby broadly.
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#99 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:27 PM
 
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That's clear from your posts. And I can tell that you really are just stating your beliefs without snark. I'm just saying that I can also see how your remarks may be hurtful for WOHMs to read.
Well, I have had csections (my username should actually be changed although I still think VBACS are better than repeat csections. )

Even though they were necessary, I can't argue that the ideal is for a baby to come through the birth canal. I don't feel hurt by people saying that. I mostly feel sad that due to circumstances beyond my control,my children had to be born under less than ideal circumstances.
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#100 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:29 PM
 
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Well, I have had csections (my user should actually be changed )

Even though they were necessary, I can't argue that the ideal is for a baby to come through the birth canal. I don't feel hurt by people saying that. I mostly feel sad that due to circumstances beyond my control,my children had to be born under less than ideal circumstances.
I don't want to go down this road -- there's too much potential for hurt feelings.

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#101 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 08:33 PM
 
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I don't want to go down this road -- there's too much potential for hurt feelings.
I am pretty much okay with it now. I regret that they weren't born vaginally. But I dont' feel like it was my fault. There were true medical issues involved, and I feel happy to be alive, and for my children to be alive.

Same as WOHM - I know some (who now have grown children) who wish they could have stayed home. They felt it would have been better to be with their children. But there were other circumstances at play (one women was a widow very young). But she recognizes that even though it was not possible, her chidren would have been better off with her home.
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#102 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 09:45 PM
 
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Very well said, sparklin

Beene, actually the opposit of what you say tends to be true. Usually when you meet a child's needs until they grow out of them, then they grow into healthy independant adults. However, when their needs aren't met in the early years, that is when I see adults who act like babies.
Got any statistics for when a mother's needs aren't being met? I do...

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#103 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 09:46 PM
 
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Some babies demand their mamas more than others. Just a personality thing, or maybe a circumstances led for the bond to be exclusive. In that case, it might be bad idea to leave for a weekend.

But, in other cases, babies have a very healthy bond with both parents, or multiple caregivers (grandparents, babysitters, etc.), and don't cry at drop offs, and are happy to spend the time with those that watch them on a regular basis.

Either way, sounds like in OP's case the baby is more than okay, and it's great that OP trusts her husband and does not minimize his role in child rearing. It also sounds like dad is willing and no less able to parent. Which is a whole another level of great.

Enjoy the weekend. Dads are no less capable than moms, at least in our case. DSD spent early morning through 4-5pm with her dad from 3 months onward. She was daddy's girl until very recently through and through.

What babies need is love and security, and moms are not the only parents able to provide that, in some families. It's something to be celebrated for that family unit. It takes a village, and the whole bit...

By the way, I don't think historically mothers were exclusive caregivers. I think they heavily depended on other women in the community, once the baby started crawling and willing to explore the world, even more so, yk?

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#104 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 09:55 PM
 
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and actually maybe they're not doing the best thing in terms of their child's emotions. But I understand that there are other factors like needing to buy groceries, etc. which benefit the child in other ways. I think babies are designed by nature/God to need close proximity to their moms. And I use the term baby broadly.
You know, I think that the disagreement here goes to show that it really is a matter of OPINION. There is no definitive way to PROVE that babies whose mothers never stepped out of the house are more functional adults. There are so many different levels of emotional and mental health that it is just not prove-able by any study. What about mothers who CHOOSE to have a career or to study while parenting? You make it sound like the only moms who work are those who HAVE to. My mother was a GREAT attached mother to me when I was growing up and she taught me what a woman is truly capable of in this life. She got her phd when I was 1 year old. I am an intelligent, emotionally mature, successful woman and a fantastic mother who chooses to work from home because it makes me happy. But I would NEVER judge another mother for choosing to be a great mother and having a great career at the same time.

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#105 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 09:59 PM
 
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Same as WOHM - I know some (who now have grown children) who wish they could have stayed home. They felt it would have been better to be with their children. But there were other circumstances at play (one women was a widow very young). But she recognizes that even though it was not possible, her chidren would have been better off with her home.
I think this is very different for each family, and that's the important thing to remember. Not all families are the same. I spent a lot of time in daycare from a very young age, but I am very well adjusted, hold a degree, in a healthy relationship, with a more or less stable job, and have a beautiful relationship with my SO of 9 years, as well as all of my siblings and parents. < I write from a happy place, can't you tell? >

I think when children growing up having attachment, confidence or relationship problems, it comes from a much deeper place than mom having to work or taking a weekend away, yk? It is absolutely possible to raise happy confident kids while working, or taking some time to refresh.

I wish my parents did that.

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#106 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 10:08 PM
 
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I'm really glad that you're going, OP.

And I didn't mean to sound snarky to anyone - I wish that every Mom could have some time to refresh whenever she needs it

I was just saying that I PERSONALLY wouldn't pay much attention to that one post, because my family works differently

To each their own!

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#107 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 11:33 PM
 
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Got any statistics for when a mother's needs aren't being met? I do...
I did not say, don't meet the mother's needs, I justy said there are ways of meeting them (I'm positive) that don't involve a weekend away from baby.
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#108 of 111 Old 09-10-2009, 11:49 PM
 
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I did not say, don't meet the mother's needs, I justy said there are ways of meeting them (I'm positive) that don't involve a weekend away from baby.
uh-huh....and are you in a position to define the needs of another mother?

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#109 of 111 Old 09-11-2009, 01:13 AM
 
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OP- only you know what the cost-benefit ratio is for a weekend away. Some moms need time away and some not so much. I do know that, personally speaking, my batteries *recharge* very quickly. I take an hour at the gym 3x a week and feel like a new woman. Anything more than a couple hrs doesn't do anything extra for my peace of mind, rather I start missing the kids and the cost-benefit ratio goes down (I have a smaller one than you- 8 months). Not martyr on one side, selfish mother on the other- just different people with different needs! Hope your decision becomes clearer to you OP.
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#110 of 111 Old 09-11-2009, 01:22 AM
 
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OP- only you know what the cost-benefit ratio is for a weekend away. Some moms need time away and some not so much. I do know that, personally speaking, my batteries *recharge* very quickly. I take an hour at the gym 3x a week and feel like a new woman. Anything more than a couple hrs doesn't do anything extra for my peace of mind, rather I start missing the kids and the cost-benefit ratio goes down (I have a smaller one than you- 8 months). Not martyr on one side, selfish mother on the other- just different people with different needs! Hope your decision becomes clearer to you OP.

I used to recharge very quickly. I'd go shopping for an hour and feel like a new mom.

Now that my baby is almost 3, after a few miscarriages, and with a job that's no longer what it used to be, a few hours isn't enough.

What I'm trying to say is that needs can change over time. Things happen that change how the game is played.
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#111 of 111 Old 09-11-2009, 09:07 AM
 
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Closing this thread as it has run its course.

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