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Toddler pushed my child - what should I have done?

3K views 61 replies 34 participants last post by  APToddlerMama 
#1 ·
I am not very good at confrontation, and I had something happen today that distressed me and my daughter, and I am not sure how I should have handled it

My daughter is 2 1/2, we went to a library storytime for ages 2-3. Afterwards my daughter wanted to go into the play area with the other kids. Most, well all, of the mothers left the kids there, unsupervised while they looked for library books, I was the only one there watching the kids play. Mostly because my daughter is very shy, and has a hard time in situations around strangers, so she likes to see me there or else she gets upset.

Anyway, she sort of asked/told me that she wanted to play with these plastic letters and the mailbox another little girl was playing with, so I told her to go ask the little girl if she could play with her. My daughter asked "can I have those letters" and was smiling. The little girl said "no, I am playing with these" so I told my DD that she wanted to play with them and she would have to wait until the other little girl was done. My daughter just stood there, looked at me, looked at the little girl and smiled. The little girl said again, loudly "these are mine, I am playing" and hugged them close to her chest and pouted. So I went to hold out my hand and asked my dd to come over next to me (I had a feeling something was going to happen), but before I said anything, the little girl said "these are mine" again and pushed my daughter...hard enough to knock her back on her feet.

My dd just looked at me, kind of shocked. So I held out my hand, and I pulled her aside and told her we were going home. I looked for the mother of the little girl, and did not see her anywhere in the area. So I picked up my dd, who was now crying, and made my way to the checkout. I was very upset the mother was not watching her because right before the mother left to go look for books, she had to correct her dd for taking toys away from another little girl and being aggressive just a few minutes earlier.

I said to my dd (not sure if this was okay to say to her or not) that we were leaving because the little girl pushed her and I didn't think that was very nice and I didn't want her playing with that girl. Between the little girl, the abruptness and the closeness to nap time, my daughter wanted to nurse, in the car, for 45 minutes until I could finally get her in the car seat, and she cried the way home until she fell asleep.

I'll admit I am very sensitive to things like that, it hurts my feelings too, and maybe I am too sensitive.

So...if this happens again...should I have said something to the mother? if yes, How should I phrase it? (I am not diplomatic, I am probably too blunt for most people)

What should I say to my daughter? I don't want my daughter to think that it was okay for anyone to push her.
 
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#2 ·
It's a tough call. My DD went through a "pushing' stage (though not in the way you described...very randomly, not to get anything), and it was very hard and awkward for me to deal with. I felt like I was the mother of "that" child. I'm not sure saying anything to the mom would have changed anything-but maybe it would make you feel better? Having said that, it sounds like the mom know her daughter behaves inappropriately, but isn't dealing with it. When my DD went through this phase, I was on her. No way would I have left her unattended in a group of kids. I always tried to intercept and verbalize why she shouldn't push. The little girl's mom should have been doing this.

I think all you could have done, you did. You verbalized what was going on/why you left and you comforted her.
 
#3 ·
I think you over reacted, I know it is hard to see another child interact strongly with our child but it is a great time to model conflict resolution.

This is what I would have done if it was me and DS in the same situation.

Other child pushes DS back, I get up and go to DS and help him up and say loud enough for other child to hear (and hopefully the mom), "Ouch DS, are you ok? You don't like it when you get pushed do you? No, neither do I, it hurts and makes me feel sad." "Would you like some nursies/snuggles/kiss/etc?" Once he was comforted I would turn to the other child and say "I see you really want to play with those letters by yourself, can you please tell us when DS can have a turn?" Then I would say "DS lets go find another toy to play with while we wait for our turn.

Then after we got home and DS was napping I would call DH and say "You know what some big bully did to DS today?" and vent o him my hurt feelings, vulnerability, desire to push the other child back, desire to high tale it out of their, etc.

I wouldn't seek out and tell the other child's mother unless it was a regular occurrence or the other child was going after my LO purposefully. Then I would ask the mom to help me supervise the children's interactions as, of course she can understand, I don't want my LO getting hurt.
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lillymonster View Post

So...if this happens again...should I have said something to the mother? if yes, How should I phrase it? (I am not diplomatic, I am probably too blunt for most people)
My daughter is younger than yours (14 months), but she has bitten kids who try to take toys from her. As the parent of a biter, I'd like to know that she's doing it, and I agree with you that parents of kids who have aggressive tendencies should be watched carefully. I don't really think there's anything the mother of the pusher kid (PK) could do to make this "right", though, that would make you feel better.

I hope I'm not perceived as blaming the victim here, but if you saw the PK being aggressive with someone over toys earlier...I'm not really sure why you told your daughter to ask PK to share with her.
 
#5 ·
My DD is almost 2 1/2 and has been in similar circumstances lately. When she is pushed or someone takes something right out of her hands that she was playing with she doesn't cry but just stands there and looks at me. We've been role playing with her at home to help her stand up for herself a little more. We've been working with her to be able to tell someone who pushes her, "I don't like that" or "No, that hurts. Don't do that" or if she's playing with a toy and someone takes it from her to tell them, "I was playing with that. I'm not done yet". She does it well in role play but is still a little too shocked that anyone would do these things to put it into practice in the live situation yet.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by plunky View Post
My daughter is younger than yours (14 months), but she has bitten kids who try to take toys from her. As the parent of a biter, I'd like to know that she's doing it, and I agree with you that parents of kids who have aggressive tendencies should be watched carefully. I don't really think there's anything the mother of the pusher kid (PK) could do to make this "right", though, that would make you feel better.

I hope I'm not perceived as blaming the victim here, but if you saw the PK being aggressive with someone over toys earlier...I'm not really sure why you told your daughter to ask PK to share with her.

The little girl earlier, took a toy out of another little girls hands. The mother said not to do that, and gave the toy back to the little girl.

I didn't tell my daughter to ask her to share. My daughter asked me if she could play with the toy, so yes I said to ask her if she could play with them, I didn't ask her to share or expect the little girl to share. My daughter has asked before and kids have given toys to her and either played along or moved on to another toy or yes, said no. My daughter does know if someone says no, she can't have it. End of discussion, she takes no well and moves on. I don't try to get her to ask anyone to share, I don't feel kids should be asked to share by adults (my pet peeve, just since I never really see any adults share themselves, I mean if I asked a total stranger I never met before to play with his xbox, I think he would say no). My daughter does not mind if other kids play with her or take toys from her, but I don't ever expect another kid to share or play so kindly as she does. She is very shy, so I try to nudge her to ask adults and kids questions, rather than asking me to ask other kids. My daughter did nothing except stand there. She looked at the little girl, the little girl pushed her. So we left. She asked if she could play with the toy - my daughter asks me EVERYTHING before she does it, and I was trying to get her to venture out and do things without asking me first. She even asks if she can walk on the sidewalk, put on her shoes, get a book out, etc. It was my way of trying to get her to take more initiative to do things on her own.

I didn't want the mother to make it right - I just thought she should know her kid is pushing other people's kids and should probably watch her more closely in case say, she knocked my child over and she got hurt. A large wooden box was behind my child, she could have easily knocked her over it.
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by butterfly_mommy View Post
I think you over reacted, I know it is hard to see another child interact strongly with our child but it is a great time to model conflict resolution.

I am not sure how I overreacted? I just left, something we were planning on doing anyway because it was close to lunch time. I had a feeling something might happen, but there were 3 other girls around, it could have been them and not my daughter. When the pushing happened, I just held my hand out and didn't say anything to my daughter. She grabbed my hand and walked around to the front of the play area with me, and then I told her we were going to go home now. As we were walking to the check out, I told her I didn't want her to play with the little girl because she pushed her and I didn't think it was nice. Probably not the best thing to say to her, I probably should not have said anything at all, but I didn't want her to think pushing was okay. The biggest part was my daughter didn't seem upset, she didn't seem mad or sad or hurt. She just stood there. I didn't want to say anything in front of the other child, because it's not my place to discipline someone else's kid. I did suggest to find something else to do when the little girl first said no. The little girl got the push in before I made it over to my dd to get get her distracted with the books I had in my hand.

The rest of the time was spent comforting her in the car. I don't know if she was crying due to being pushed, leaving (which was planned in the next few minutes) or tiredness. I never brought it up again to her again.
 
#8 ·
Personally, I think you over reacted a bit although I agree that the mother should have been there. I'd like my DS to learn how to move past these incidents without us having to leave. Why should the 'victim' have to go while the 'bully' gets to carry on playing in peace? If it had happened to my child I would have said firmly to the other child 'it's NOT ok to push' (thus letting your child know it was not OK) and then comforted my child before trying to distract him with another toy. It sounds like your DD only started crying once you had indicated to her that it was something serious enough to cry over. She may also have been upset that she had to leave the play area.

What the other child did was typical toddler behaviour in my experience and you might find that the next time the tables are turned. It sounds like your child is sensitive (like you?) and you will need to find a way to help her to cope with these things without it ruining her day. Little children tend to naturally move through their emotions and let go of things more easily than adults. I think we can help them by also not hanging on to negative feelings.

On the other hand, I totally understand the mama bear 'how dare that little brat touch my child' reaction. Hope you are both feeling better now.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Boot View Post
Personally, I think you over reacted a bit although I agree that the mother should have been there. I'd like my DS to learn how to move past these incidents without us having to leave. Why should the 'victim' have to go while the 'bully' gets to carry on playing in peace? If it had happened to my child I would have said firmly to the other child 'it's NOT ok to push' (thus letting your child know it was not OK) and then comforted my child before trying to distract him with another toy. It sounds like your DD only started crying once you had indicated to her that it was something serious enough to cry over. She may also have been upset that she had to leave the play area.

What the other child did was typical toddler behaviour in my experience and you might find that the next time the tables are turned. It sounds like your child is sensitive (like you?) and you will need to find a way to help her to cope with these things without it ruining her day. Little children tend to naturally move through their emotions and let go of things more easily than adults. I think we can help them by also not hanging on to negative feelings.

On the other hand, I totally understand the mama bear 'how dare that little brat touch my child' reaction. Hope you are both feeling better now.
I guess I didn't make myself clear - we were leaving anyway, I was trying to get her out the door, but I stopped because it's usually easier to let her indulge in a few minutes of checking something out, then leaving on my terms. I said one thing to my daughter when we were leaving.

Also she ALWAYS cries when we leave places and she doesn't want to go. I don't think she was crying over the little girl. I really don't. I honestly am more upset the mother was not there watching, mostly because something far more serious could have occurred - wooden furniture with sharp edges, other kids to trip over, etc.

Maybe I am not around enough kids, but after babysitting 11 nieces and nephews all close in age, I have never seen kids push each other because they THOUGHT someone was going to take a toy away.
 
#10 ·
Quote:
What the other child did was typical toddler behaviour in my experience and you might find that the next time the tables are turned.
So true. My son was bitten a while ago and I was appalled. Thankfully on the outside I was gracious and calm and understanding of the fact that it is a normal stage. Because now my son is biting.


So while I hover in situations where I know he might be tempted to bite (and in light of this would never leave him unattended with lots of kids and toys) I do think you need to let it go and accept it as normal (but bothersome and annoying) behavior.
 
#11 ·
My toddler was playing with a four-year-old recently; they were dancing together, and the girl started pushing my daughter as part of her dance. My daughter thought it was funny, but she didn't realize she was going to get hurt if she fell, as they were standing on a small, raised concrete block. The nanny of the other girl kept telling the girl to stop, but she wasn't listening. I didn't say anything, because the pushes weren't hard, and my daughter was having fun. But finally, she pushed a little harder, and my daughter fell and got a [very slightly] bloody nose. I DID say something to the little girl then, in my mom-voice. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know it was the same thing I would have said to my daughter if the roles had been reversed. Not yelling or anything, just something like "No-no, we don't hit" -- except in my broken Portuguese.


Later, the same girl started throwing handfulls of pebbles in the air, again not listening to her nanny. I told the girl in my mom-voice that she needed to stop. She walked away pouting, but she did stop.

Maybe I'd have acted differently if the girl's mother had been there instead of the nanny, but, generally, I don't think setting some guidelines on clearly innappropriate behavior is out of place--at least not in a public setting. If my daughter had hit someone and I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't be offended by the child's mother telling her she couldn't do that. Grabbing, yelling, hitting, or getting emotional about it would bring out my mama-lion, but a matter-of-fact verbal correction is okay with me.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by betsyj View Post
So true. My son was bitten a while ago and I was appalled. Thankfully on the outside I was gracious and calm and understanding of the fact that it is a normal stage. Because now my son is biting.


So while I hover in situations where I know he might be tempted to bite (and in light of this would never leave him unattended with lots of kids and toys) I do think you need to let it go and accept it as normal (but bothersome and annoying) behavior.
So let it go as in don't say anything to a mother if it happens again, or don't bring it up to my daughter. Because I did neither - I just want to make it clear. I said one thing to my daughter, and that one thing, I probably should not have said, but that was it.
 
#13 ·
I hear you saying that you were going to leave anyway and that your DD may not have been crying because of the incident, but simply because she didn't want to leave.

You asked if you should have said something to the girl's mother, and I say no. If the little girl is that aggressive, who knows what the mother is like. She could've pulled a blade on you. Just kidding, but only slightly.

I have reprimanded pushy children when I don't see their parents around. A few weeks ago my DD and I were going down a big slide and some older boys kept running up and cutting in line in front of us and practically knocking us down. It was kind of dangerous. I had to hold out my arm and say "No cutting. Go back and stand in line," though I admit I probably wouldn't have done it if I had seen parents around. Well, maybe I would.

You are right to be angry that the mother wasn't watching her daughter, knowing that she can be aggressive. I do think it is the right of any present adult to intervene in these types of situations (including lightly reprimanding a child) and I want my daughter to feel that safeness when I'm around.
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lillymonster View Post
I guess I didn't make myself clear - we were leaving anyway, I was trying to get her out the door, but I stopped because it's usually easier to let her indulge in a few minutes of checking something out, then leaving on my terms. I said one thing to my daughter when we were leaving.

Also she ALWAYS cries when we leave places and she doesn't want to go. I don't think she was crying over the little girl. I really don't. I honestly am more upset the mother was not there watching, mostly because something far more serious could have occurred - wooden furniture with sharp edges, other kids to trip over, etc.

Maybe I am not around enough kids, but after babysitting 11 nieces and nephews all close in age, I have never seen kids push each other because they THOUGHT someone was going to take a toy away.
You're right to be annoyed at the other mother. I would be too. However, even if she had been there it probably would have still happened. You couldn't get there in time to stop it and you were being very vigilant. If the mother HAD been there however she could have hopefully dealt with her daughter's behaviour.

I still think the other child was acting normally (though very annoying as the pp said). She obviously felt threatened by the fact that your dd was standing right there and wanting 'her' toy. Given your clarifications and your original question I would say that you did everything I would have done except I wouldn't have said the bit about not wanting her to play with that child. It sounds like you gave your dd the impression that you were leaving because of the other child and that was the part that I thought was over the top. Sorry if I misunderstood.
 
#15 ·
This is definitely "typical toddler behavior" which is also why, IMO, 2 and 3yos shouldnt' be playing unsupervised. Had my child done that (and they've all done similar stuff around that age) I would have taken her out, taken the toys away from her and told her "we dont' push other kids. We're going home now."

In your situation, the only thing I would have done differently was to have nursed in the car for only a few minutes and then have a longer nursing session at home where I could be more comfortable.
 
#16 ·
I was trying to let you know I understand your position but clearly did not do a good job.


Since I know my son can bite in some situations I would not leave him unattended-that mom should have stayed there to model better choices for her daughter.

But I also know that even when I am right there sometimes I am not fast enough so I have sympathy for both sides. Kids do push and bite and hit even though we try our best to keep them from doing so.

I think I would have simply said, "that girl didn't like you standing by her. She shouldn't have pushed you, but let's give her her space and go play over here." And I would have left it at that.
 
#17 ·
A very similar thing happened to my son today (19 months), but in this case, the other child was about 3 and he had been playing with the toy. I was irritated that the mom wasn't watching, because I have seen this child do aggressive things many times (including btw, coming up to me, completely unprovoked during a storytime and hitting me with a magazine!), but I didn't say anything to her.

If people aren't going to supervise their children, talking to them about it is not going to change that, especially if you don't know the parent. I would have just moved to a different area of the library or left too, and would have said something along the lines of "We don't like being pushed. Are you okay? Can mama give you a hug?" and left it at that.

I doubt her 45 minutes of upset afterwards was related to that incident. If it was, perhaps she was reacting more to your upset, because even an extremely sensitive child of that age doesn't have the attention span to continue focusing on an incident like that for 45 minutes once she's removed from the situation.
 
#18 ·
My kids have gone through toddler stages of biting or pushing/hitting as well. I agree with you that the mother should have been attending to the child and handled it appropriately. Personally, with DD1 I took things like her getting pushed kid of personal too. After a couple rough and tumble kids, I just kind of brush it off and move on, with some comments to my LO that others have posted. It is tough with a sensitive kiddoo, for sure. While I am not a fan of "toughen them up" mentality, I do tend to not make many things a big deal.
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by AmyKT View Post

You asked if you should have said something to the girl's mother, and I say no. If the little girl is that aggressive, who knows what the mother is like. She could've pulled a blade on you. Just kidding, but only slightly.
.

eeeek. My child has certainly been that aggressive and he has two parents who are totally non-aggressive. Aggression is age appropriate and normal, even if we don't like it and need to work on teaching our kids that it isn't okay.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post
eeeek. My child has certainly been that aggressive and he has two parents who are totally non-aggressive. Aggression is age appropriate and normal, even if we don't like it and need to work on teaching our kids that it isn't okay.
Ditto.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by DeChRi View Post
Ditto.
ditto here too...it is a totally normal phase and totally not something mirrored at home. I was truly horrified that my DD was being aggro. I don't think it's one of those "apple doesn't fall from the tree" things at that age.

I think the best thing you can do is start teaching your DC to advocate for herself, and until she can, you need to step in and do so for her.
 
#22 ·
I am with you on this subject. I am hoping for some good advice for myself as well. My DD1 is 2 and when I catch her trying to take a toy or being pushy I very much take the initiative to stop her and reprimand her if she is being aggressive or if she takes something I explain to her that her turn is later and the other child is playing and she needs to find something else to play with. I guess I feel that she should get the same in return. I realize not every other parent feels the same or disciplines in the manner I do. I never realized "before children" how personally I can take my childs interactions. It is almost amusing to me. On one occassion we were at a McDonalds playing and there was about 5-6 kids around who around 6 years old. Playing pretty rough, spitting and climbing on the equip. which was inappropriate. (all the signs say so, and spitting needs no comment really) And the parents just sat there chatting not paying a bit of attention. Well I let DD1 go do her thing, I felt like she should not be restricted beacause of my fear, but shortly after a 6 year old pushed hard my DD1 because she was in 'HER' playhouse. DD1 didn't cry but my inital reaction was NO. I walked directly over and said NO to the girl and said in a stern voice that 'no one, ever pushes anyone, ever, period.' of course the child just stared and then continued to play. I took DD1 over to another area and let her play on something else. But I was fuming. The parents sat there, did nothing, no one claimed the child or reprimanded her. I am not sure if I did the right thing or not but I felt someone needed to tell the girl no. Especially when pushing someone so much smaller than her. I still get angry now when I think about it


I realize I need to seperate my emotions from the situation because I realize of course DD1 is no angel and will act inappropriate at times too. But I think parents need to know. I would want to know if DD1 did something really aggressive. Taking toys is one thing, toddlers are learning their space and what is theirs and so sharing is not a concept that is easily understood, but hitting, throwing, pushing or biting to me is something that needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP! I want to be diplomatic and fair to the other child and to the parent without letting my emotions get the best of me.

I understand where you are coming from, and probably trying to not let it affect her is the best thing. Explain that hitting/pushing is never ok and that she would not want to be around someone who acts that way and to go and play with something or someone else.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zippy_francis View Post
...I understand where you are coming from, and probably trying to not let it affect her is the best thing. Explain that hitting/pushing is never ok and that she would not want to be around someone who acts that way and to go and play with something or someone else.
This. I'm very sensitive too, but if I let DS see how upset I am when something like this happens, it only makes him upset and he cries even more about little things like tripping and falling where before he didn't. Since I've noticed he's picking up my cues, I've learned to stop reacting visibly. I just tell myself, "There's more than one kid here. That means there's going to be pushing/not sharing/arguing. It's part of the deal..."

We go to playgroup with another kid who pushes EVERYONE. I don't tell DS we have to leave; why punish him for getting pushed? I tell him to tell the boy to play nicely, and if he doesn't want to play with him again I direct him to another area. But I always remind him to tell the boy "NO" when he hits/pushes, and hope it will sink in someday. I just feel like if we leave each time something happens, he'll never get to play and will just feel like a victim. He needs to learn to stand up for himself, even when the other kids don't want to share or play nice.
 
#25 ·
The other child was behaving completely normally for a toddler. The other parent should have kept on eye on things, but the child isn't a bad kid or anything like that. It isn't a good thing, but it's normal and children who have that aggressive streak outgrow it if gentle behavior is modeled to them.

The only way to deal with toddlers is to distract them. You could have distracted your child with another toy, or distracted that child with another toy. But toddlers are immature and impulsive, and hitting, shoving, biting, etc., are completely normal. My dd was like that and I had to be the helicopter parent until she outgrew it to protect other kids. Which is ideally what the other child's parent would have been doing, IMO, but we can't control others so there's no point worrying about that.
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lillymonster View Post

I said to my dd (not sure if this was okay to say to her or not) that we were leaving because the little girl pushed her and I didn't think that was very nice and I didn't want her playing with that girl.

I would not have left because she was pushed down. I would not have said that to her. You said in some later posts you were leaving anyway? That's one thing, but you or your daughter shouldn't have to feel like you are ran out of the library by an aggressive, unsupervised 2 yr old.

I don't think you need to say anything to the parent, but I definitely would have said something to the child.. something along the lines of "Please don't push" or "Please be gentle" would have been sufficient. Don't make a big deal out of it and carry on with your playing. It's totally age appropriate behaviour.

FWIW I have a "pusher" - sometimes she does it aggressively, sometimes happily, she's just a hands on kid. So I don't leave her alone... it's stressful to always be on her to intercept because I never know, when she's walking up to another child, is she going to hug, kiss, poke, push, etc etc.

I don't mind other mamas saying those types of things I posted above to my dd if they see her doing something she shouldn't be because although I keep my eyes on her as much as I can, I have a 4yo son and I need to keep somewhat of an eye on him too! But I don't see any reason for someone to tell me after "Your kid pushed mine" or whatever. By the time I would get to my dd to talk to her about it, she would have forgotten about it, no doubt.
 
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