I thought I was just hormonal from recently weaning and just really overheated from the hot spell we're having here on the east coast. But this week my DD is acting so different. She is way whiny and didn't used to be...maybe a tad, but not like this. Just now, getting her down to nap, she keeps coming up with ways to get me back up there..."another song, another story, hugs and kisses, blanket on". I used to be able to say how many stories, how many songs and she was all set...hugs and kisses and she would go to sleep. She's saying "no" more. She's being defiant when she didn't used to be. I know, I know...this is pretty typical bx...but I can't help but blame myself. Is it because I weaned her? I nursed for 25 months. But I was just ready. How selfish. She wasn't ready. She still asks for "milkies" and I remind her they're all gone. No fits, no tantrums. She's supposedly cool with it. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her now. She used to be so adaptable, so easygoing. This past weekend she was up later a lot and did different activities every day with family and friends in town. Could that be it? I find myself getting enraged...something I felt awhile ago...I am not a spanker, hitter, but I can yell, though if I do, it's like once a month. That's still too much for me. My mom yelled...a lot. I don't want to fall into that genetic become your mommy groove.
She can tell when I "shut down", like when I feel like I'm about to go off and yell. I try to deep breathe and become neutral face mommy and she will hold my face and say "sorry". Crap. Have I already made her feel guilt? I'm trying to use a firm voice when I feel like yelling.
Life otherwise is good. Why does that mommy rage come so easily? It is hormones? I read how we don't go from 0-60 in a matter of seconds. We often start at like 58 which life stuff (finances, relationships, works, household) and one thing will push us quickly over the edge. I haven't this need to yell and slam doors in ages. But hitting doesn't even occur to me. I try to picture spanking and it seems so absurd and pointless and I think of how she and I would feel after. So, that's not a concern for me. But I don't want to be Old Yeller. Esp., when I haven't felt that urge in such a long time.
We're going swimming and to the playground to cool off when she wakes up. Planning to grill tonight with DH and lots of fun stuff this weekend. So, I just need to breathe and acknowledge her: frustration, anger, sadness, etc. and let her know nice mommy is here for her when she's ready for a hug. I feel a mantra coming on. Any good mantras out there?