Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Winthrop, Maine
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Do any of you just want to run away some days? Seriously, I just want to leave and not come back. I've got a 22 month old DD and a 7 week old DS. And today, like most days, I just want to get the hell out of Dodge and run for the border. I've so tired, the house is a completely disgusting wreck, and I'm just at my wit's end. Dh is super helpful, but there's only so much he can do before and after work - this morning he's trying to load two weeks of garbage for a dump run while dealing with DD, leaving me to comfort a screaming baby while barely holding my own s#$t together. I haven't even had a chance to eat breakfast this morning.
I feel like such a horrible mother and wife for wanting to leave. But every day it seems, I have this overwhelming urge to get out, to run away. I get plenty of downtime, I think, but it never seems to be enough. I want to be able to eat a warm meal without having my DD grab stuff off of it. I want to sit and relax without having someone climbing on me or sucking on my boob for hours at a time. I just want more time alone, which sounds rather selfish to me as I type it out. I guess I feel a bit trapped, with no way out, and it's making me want to bolt.
I've read posts like this one on this forum before, and the advice given, although helpful and well-meaning, doesn't work for me. We can't afford to hire someone to do clean or be a mother's helper - we're on one income (less that $24k a year)and struggling just to make sure there's enough for the mortgage. We have my mom living with us, and getting her to help with DD is a struggle all of it's own, because she seems to think that I'm trying to take advantage of her. I've got some close friends in town, but they all have multiple kids of their own, homeschool, and are busy with their own lives, so I don't like to ask them to take DD. There's a library group that meets once a week, but I spend the time trying to contain DD to the downstairs so she doesn't climb up the stairs. It really isn't worth the hour long hassle since she isn't paying any attention to the books anyways. I can't do any daycare because obviously we couldn't afford it and we'd have to do disposable dipes, vaxing, and formula. To top it off, DS will scream bloody murder whenever I hold him, unless my boob is in his mouth. I can't comfort him and that makes me feel like a failure.
I know I can't run away. DS is EBF and I couldn't do that to my DH, who has the patience of a saint and is constantly trying to help me get some "away" time. I just feel like a bad mom because I am constantly yelling at DD, I pass off DS to anyone who will hold him, and I've let everything go - from making meals, to cleaning, to paying bills, to even getting to take a shower on a semi-regular basis. DH has picked up all that slack as well as working and taking the kids, all without complaint, which makes me feel even worse...
So, it's taken me over 4 hours to type this post, I still haven't had any breakfast, and the point is this - I want to run away. Please tell me I'm not alone and any suggestions you can give me to keep me from losing my mind...