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10-22-2010, 04:48 PM
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Hello all, feeling those insecurity blues, that I suffer from periodically and just wanted to share. Let's start with the good things: My 2.6 month old is now peeing in the potty! This is huge and seemed to happen so quickly. We tried for months but no interest and now she will tell us when she has to pee..hasn't pooped much...only about 5 times since Oct. 8 (when she suddenly started peeing with no prompting in the potty)...but I"m not complaining! I also started what could potentially be a fantastic new job...p/t but with better pay than my last one!
I generally feel socially awkward. However, I have great, funny, sincere friends and a fantastic hubby. But there are moments when I'm like "what the hell did I say that for" (in my head, that is) or "Speak up you moron, don't sit there like a lump". I see most others around me as being smarter, more confident, engaging, intellectually stimulating. I have days were I feel like I shine socially and others when I wake up and know I'll be a dud...so yes, some self-fulfilling prophecy stuff happening, I'm sure. But, c'mon I am 42 years old. Wasn't I supposed to be more graceful, sophisticated, worldly, witty, interesting and secure by now? At my new job I have very little so say. I hear someone quoting a relevant article or book in the conversation and it makes me shut down even more. But can I be goofy? Yes. Can I make someone else feel at ease? Yes. Am I good at asking questions so I'm not asked questions? Yes. Grow up! I need a public speaking, daily therapy, personal trainer for exercise of the body AND mind to feel like I'm not a freak. I can start conversations but can I finish? No. I can be like "oh, that's exciting..interesting...whatever? I've got catch all phrases when I have no follow up. Oy. Do others see this? I have no idea. When my supervisor has more eye contact with another new person who started months ago, and seems to have great rapport with...I think "she's not looking at me as much because she's thinking she made a mistake in hiring me". Cognitive distortions are my friend. I rock the cognitive distortions.
Sigh. DD is still napping so I will try to do some Pilates to get over myself and my petty drama.
Anyone else ever feel similar and how do you handle it?
Thanks fellow 'rents!