Watching super-nanny scares me! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 11-26-2010, 06:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Every time I watch that show I just keep thinking to myself "man, I hope I'm doing this right!" It seems like the key point to raising any child is consistency. But man, that is tiring! I just keep telling myself that if I want to have a happy well adjusted, well behaved kiddo, I need to be consistent with discipline, schedule, etc, and I honestly believe that, but then I think..what if I do my best with all that and still end up with out of control children like I see on that show!? What do you all think about that show? Does it scare anyone else? I only have one kid and he's almost 2, so we haven't had to deal with alot of that stuff yet, so I guess the unknown is what scares me!


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#2 of 17 Old 11-26-2010, 07:02 AM
 
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I think if you're consistent even half the time you'll be much better off than the people on that show!

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#3 of 17 Old 11-26-2010, 09:19 PM
 
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I agree that consistency seems to be the one thing tackled so much on the show - do it the same way each time; both parents doing the same thing... consistent consistent consistent. You know this - I know this, from childhood... the minute one caves on something, ooh, there's an open door. I think that's the point she's trying to make is sticking to your guns.

 

What I like more about the show is that she shows parents how much they're not spending time Playing with their kids... which is a huge impact. I've learned with my god-son that this seems to be so true... the more you're only hearing No and discipline and punishment, but you're not getting any FUN and wonderful times with your parents, the more likely you are to act out, just to get attention.


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#4 of 17 Old 11-28-2010, 03:48 AM
 
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I read that in so many parenting books, but I've been using something else that works for me and it's a little less scary. LOL! I'm not saying this will work for everybody, but it makes me feel a lot more at ease with my parenting. The way I see it, I want to prepare my daughter for the real world and in the real world things aren't consistent. In the real world, nothing is absolute. You barter, you trade, you make deals, you win some and you lose some. I like my daughter to think that she has at least some leeway. Letting her try to change my mind gives her, in my belief, a greater ability to interact socially in the real world on different levels, especially if she needs it in the future for business. I like her to develop her strength of character in trying to win me to what she wants some of the time. I took an idea by Dr. Sears where I set a very small number of immovable ground rules that I will not budge on and my daughter knows what these are. For everything else, there's wiggle room. This has been invaluable for me as a deterrent. She knows she won't win the big ones, but she knows she can sometimes win the smaller ones. This has caused her to follow my rules to a T (and she's only 2.5) and because she knows she can maybe win some of the smaller, less important ones, she puts her efforts there instead so I don't even end up having to deal with being consistent with the bigger stuff. She won't fight going somewhere when she doesn't want to because that's one of my big ones, but she does know that no ice cream for breakfast isn't an absolute. I let her try to convince me by saying that she will also eat some eggs first to keep from getting a tummy ache from sugar on an empty stomach or whatever she has in mind to try to win that argument. Absolute power from a parent causes children (all people, really, it's human nature and not something you can break someone of) to push back. Giving perceived leeway in some areas can cause them to focus on areas where they know they can affect change. I believe what Dr. Sears said was "let them win the little ones and they will let you win all of the big ones."

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#5 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 07:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So what are your absolutes..things you will not budge on? just curious


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#6 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 08:33 AM
 
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I am so much more relaxed than Supernanny and I don't have those problems.  I think being involved with your children to a high degree is a biggie.  Some of the kids on the show just seem to be trying to get attention.  And a lot of the shows I've seen have parents who are overly harsh most of the time, and ignore really big issues the rest of the time.  Also, I don't like how anti co-sleeping she is.  My first co-slept, and now my second co-sleeps, and it works very well for us without any resultant behavior problems.

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#7 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 09:18 AM
 
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I think that the reason that she is anti-cosleeping is that in those families it is causing problems.  In most cases at least one of the parents is really suffering from it causing lack of sleep.  But that is because the kids are out of control in general, getting wrong kinds of attentions which reinforces their behaviors, getting lots of processed/sugar and dye laden foods which wire them up, etc.  and it is carrying over into nighttime. 

 

I also am curious about your non-budging rules, amberskyfire.

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#8 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 12:08 PM
 
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I find her really harsh and not one bit compassionate or understanding towards the kids. Honestly, though, the families she visits have such terrible things going on with their kids that I would not even know where to begin. I just know what works for my child.

 

I am also not always consistent and definitely not very structured. It just happens to work well for us. I am all for joy and peace and for me, personally, those don't go together with lots of structure.

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#9 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

I am so much more relaxed than Supernanny and I don't have those problems.  I think being involved with your children to a high degree is a biggie.  Some of the kids on the show just seem to be trying to get attention. 



Yeah, my son is MUCH MORE reactive when I'm not able to engage him. (Which happens more than I'd like right now...but pregnancy does that) He throws fits just like the ones on the show when he just wants Mommy/Daddy to pay attention. Even if it just means closing the book and sitting in the same room while he plays...it does wonders for him.


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#10 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 12:55 PM
 
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I like that she shows it isn't the children that need fixing, it is the parents. Also, I think as far as co-sleeping goes, she is against it in these cases because it is causing a rift in the marriage. If both parents aren't on board, then that will cause issues. I do like the creative rewards systems, and she doesn't seem to talk down to kids, but to them, and that is also very important.

 

but mostly, she gets the parents really involved and thinking about how their kids respond to how the parents treat them, I have seen her do excersises with parents with kids that have ADHD and autism or dyslexia, and she really tries to get the parents to understand how the kid sees and interacts with the world. That is pretty neat. Granted, she is very firm, and not flexible about some things. and she is probably a proponent of sleep training. but all in all, I do not find her scary.


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#11 of 17 Old 12-01-2010, 11:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MrsBone View Post

So what are your absolutes..things you will not budge on? just curious



Obviously, anything safety-related. "Nothing that will cause serious bodily harm, no harming others, no interrupting when someone is on the phone, no food items with artificial colors or refined sugar (for behavioral reasons), no destruction of property, no touching the computer." Most things I don't want her to do I simply make it so it's not an option such as closing the bathroom door to keep her from playing around the toilet. For these things, I have not had to use any kind of disciplinary action because I use the "NO" that means I absolutely will not budge on this and there will be no discussion. She will move onto easier battles.

 

Other rules are fairly loose. I will warn her not to do something (she almost always listens to me because I tell her why she shouldn't do it) and if she does, I allow natural consequences to happen. For example, if I were to tell her not to hit the cat and she did, she'd get a scratch from the cat. If she yells at someone, she doesn't get punished, but she did learn quickly that yelling at someone only makes them angry and she automatically will not get her way. She just as quickly learned that calming herself and asking rationally and nicely will usually get her her way.

 

I have the absolute "NO" and I have the I-don't-want-you-to-but-I'm-not-immovable-on-that-issue "no." If I use the latter, she will push only if the issue is very important to her. So basically, I mix a few parenting models together. I like to think of it as taking the best of each:

 

-NO, you absolutely cannot do that and this is why

-you shouldn't do that and this is why, but if you do, you'll just have to make your own mistakes and I won't stop you

-no, I don't really want you to do that, but I might be convinced if you can give me a reason

-I will also allow you to make your own absolutes and not-absolutes for me and I will do my best to follow them

 

Honestly, I have found that simply making rules looser and pushing back less causes her to push me less in the first place. I don't think any parenting style works for every family and every kid, though. What works for us might not work for another family. Some kids might just need consistency in everything. I have used this with my daughter and stepdaughter with great success, though. If there are fewer absolutes, it gives me fewer battles to fight. Humans naturally want to push back when relieved of choice, even if it's something they wouldn't normally otherwise care about.

 

Edit: I thought I'd add an example of how inconsistency can work for us. On Sunday, we went to the farmer's market and there were mud puddles everywhere. I told my daughter not to step in the puddles because I didn't want her getting mud all over my car's interior. Ten minutes into our shopping trip, I was busy looking through candles and saw my daughter sneakily stick her foot out and stomp into a mud puddle. Now, Supernanny would have me be consistent and take some kind of disciplinary action. Instead, I saw a child who just needed to be a child. Before saying anything to DD, I had to weigh the issue in my mind. I could take some kind of action and look like a you-know-what in front of everybody at the market, or I could just let her stomp in the puddles and be a kid. I let go of her hand and said "go on, then." She went wild stomping, splashing, flinging her arms up and tipping her head back in delight. I was able to look at the things I needed to without having to stop every three seconds and tell her not to touch the glass items on the table and she had the time of her life. Nothing can compare to that. When I took her back to the car, I just stripped her down to her skivvies (we live in Hawaii, so it's warm) and put the muddy clothes and shoes into the floorboard of the car. And you know what? I got so many comments from delighted adults saying what a great mom I was for not getting uppity about her getting covered in mud. Sometimes, I think we as parents have to stop and make sure we really are doing the right thing when we take disciplinary action. Sometimes when we make rules, we're right, but sometimes we might not be.


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#12 of 17 Old 12-05-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy View Post

I find her really harsh and not one bit compassionate or understanding towards the kids. Honestly, though, the families she visits have such terrible things going on with their kids that I would not even know where to begin. I just know what works for my child.

 

I am also not always consistent and definitely not very structured. It just happens to work well for us. I am all for joy and peace and for me, personally, those don't go together with lots of structure.



I just watched part of an episode, where she forces the mom to let her 21month old to cry for 33min, such a long time for such a young toddler. It is heart breaking to watch, and all this because he is old enough to sleep in his own room. And it goes on all night long and then for days...Such an overly harsh and hurtful process, it must be traumatizing to the child. I don't get how this is going to lead to better behavior.

 

The little child's spirits are broken, the mother is crushed and supernanny rules the house and proudly anounces "they are capable of doing it"...

 

SThis show made me sad.

 

 

That is apart from, that the older boys were quite wild.

 

 

 


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#13 of 17 Old 12-05-2010, 02:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy View Post

I find her really harsh and not one bit compassionate or understanding towards the kids. Honestly, though, the families she visits have such terrible things going on with their kids that I would not even know where to begin. I just know what works for my child.

 

I am also not always consistent and definitely not very structured. It just happens to work well for us. I am all for joy and peace and for me, personally, those don't go together with lots of structure.



I just watched part of an episode, where she forces the mom to let her 21month old to cry for 33min, such a long time for such a young toddler. It is heart breaking to watch, and all this because he is old enough to sleep in his own room. And it goes on all night long and then for days...Such an overly harsh and hurtful process, it must be traumatizing to the child. I don't get how this is going to lead to better behavior.

 

The little child's spirits are broken, the mother is crushed and supernanny rules the house and proudly anounces "they are capable of doing it"...

 

SThis show made me sad.

 

 

That is apart from, that the older boys were quite wild.

 

 

 



Yeah, I really don't mind her daytime discipline. (Honestly, if you have to do a time-out to have SOME discipline in the house then so be it.) But I also don't agree with the nighttime stuff she does. Really, I think it's something that should be done in stages...get the daytime behavior under control AND THEN transition the nighttime stuff. It's too much (especially for a child that young) all at once.


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#14 of 17 Old 12-05-2010, 02:37 PM
 
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I think an awful lot depends on the child.  Some kids really need consistency more than others.  My oldest was always pretty flexible and could tell when I meant business.  My youngest needs clearer boundaries.  I also saw with other kids that their parents were creating more problems by allowing negotiating and not providing consistency.  I do agree with choosing your battles but its my opinion that you should try and choose which ones you are willing to let go before saying no...


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#15 of 17 Old 12-07-2010, 08:51 AM
 
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I just watched part of an episode, where she forces the mom to let her 21month old to cry for 33min, such a long time for such a young toddler. It is heart breaking to watch, and all this because he is old enough to sleep in his own room. And it goes on all night long and then for days...Such an overly harsh and hurtful process, it must be traumatizing to the child. I don't get how this is going to lead to better behavior.


I'm watching this one on Hulu. I agree, it's too much. I do, however, agree that the child needed to get out of his parent's bed. No one was sleeping and the parents were unhappy with the setup. I don't believe in continuing cosleeping when it's not working for anyone. (We're trying to transition DS out for this very reason. It's just not working anymore and we're about to add a new baby into the mix)  I feel for the parents, though, because it's hard to develop a transition period when they move so often!


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#16 of 17 Old 12-07-2010, 05:49 PM
 
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I just watched part of an episode, where she forces the mom to let her 21month old to cry for 33min, such a long time for such a young toddler. It is heart breaking to watch, and all this because he is old enough to sleep in his own room. And it goes on all night long and then for days...Such an overly harsh and hurtful process, it must be traumatizing to the child. I don't get how this is going to lead to better behavior.


I'm watching this one on Hulu. I agree, it's too much. I do, however, agree that the child needed to get out of his parent's bed. No one was sleeping and the parents were unhappy with the setup. I don't believe in continuing cosleeping when it's not working for anyone. (We're trying to transition DS out for this very reason. It's just not working anymore and we're about to add a new baby into the mix)  I feel for the parents, though, because it's hard to develop a transition period when they move so often!

 

Interesting comment. I think we agree that the transitioning out of the bed could have been done in a less traumatizing way, and if it means putting a extra mattress in the same room on the floor. Maybe my child is too young, and my own experience with my own sleeping habits and from my experience with dh family (we all sleep in the same room on mattresses when we visit, and he slept with his parents until he was 14), let me to have a different understanding of sleeping arrangements than most people do.

 


 


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#17 of 17 Old 12-07-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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I just watched part of an episode, where she forces the mom to let her 21month old to cry for 33min, such a long time for such a young toddler. It is heart breaking to watch, and all this because he is old enough to sleep in his own room. And it goes on all night long and then for days...Such an overly harsh and hurtful process, it must be traumatizing to the child. I don't get how this is going to lead to better behavior.


I'm watching this one on Hulu. I agree, it's too much. I do, however, agree that the child needed to get out of his parent's bed. No one was sleeping and the parents were unhappy with the setup. I don't believe in continuing cosleeping when it's not working for anyone. (We're trying to transition DS out for this very reason. It's just not working anymore and we're about to add a new baby into the mix)  I feel for the parents, though, because it's hard to develop a transition period when they move so often!

 

Interesting comment. I think we agree that the transitioning out of the bed could have been done in a less traumatizing way, and if it means putting a extra mattress in the same room on the floor. Maybe my child is too young, and my own experience with my own sleeping habits and from my experience with dh family (we all sleep in the same room on mattresses when we visit, and he slept with his parents until he was 14), let me to have a different understanding of sleeping arrangements than most people do.

 


 

What I didn't understand is when mom said that sometimes he slept in a "port a crib" (I assume pack n play?) in their closet this was a bad thing? I was like, "Well, he's not in their bed." And it's not like the new arrangement was getting anyone any sleep anyway because they STILL had to get up to put him back to bed when he woke up every few hours.
 


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