Would it bother you if your ILs started calling your child by *your* personal nickname? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My MIL has always had this very annoying habit of calling my DD by *my* nicknames for her. As in, when she was born, I was calling the baby my nugget, and lo and behold, suddenly my MIL was referring to her primarily as "nugget". However, more importantly, since DD was born I have called her a private/personal nickname that is a Polish word that my mother called me. (My family is all Polish, my IL's are NOT at all.)

So, on MIL's last visit, I hear her calling my DD this Polish nickname!! irked.gif Am I overreacting? I was really annoyed. It's MY little sweet name for my baby girl. I'm sure MIL heard me call her this in some private moment, and for whatever reason decided to adopt the name. It bugs me. Just wondering if I am being overly sensitive? It's possible. I'm pregnant. lol.gif

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#2 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 03:47 PM
 
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I'd assume it was innocent though I can understand you being bothered. Do you have the sort of relationship that would allow you to feel comfortable addressing it with her? 


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#3 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

I'd assume it was innocent though I can understand you being bothered. Do you have the sort of relationship that would allow you to feel comfortable addressing it with her? 


Well, MIL does have a distinct pattern of being very intrusive in our life/home. DH has agreed that she is very self-centered, manipulative to get what she wants and overly dramatic. DH has talked with her a few times about boundary issues when she visits, and she nods her head but nothing changes. So, in her case, I don't assume it's innocent. She really (this sounds weird, but it's just my opinion after knowing this woman for 10 years) seems to want to be in my role when she's in our house. She attempts to take over all cooking, laundry, etc, when she's here. She literally *pushes* every single time to do our laundry. She will sneak in a load here and there and I find her folding and putting away DH's underwear.

lol.gif Maybe it's *my* issues with her being so intrusive, but I am so on edge with her after so long, so this nickname things really bugs me. It's MY special name for DD. irked.gif I don't think I'd feel comfortable addressing it with her, unless I had a fairly sharp one-liner that could get my point across without having a whole conversation about it. We've tried talking to her about BIG issues and she says she'll comply, and then never does.


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#4 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 04:31 PM
 
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My gosh! I'm sorry you have to deal with her! 


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#5 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 04:38 PM
 
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Based on what you say, it could go either way.

 

I call my kids each a little pet name, and sometimes someone else calls them that and my first thought is "the cheek!  How dare they use MY pet name?"  But then I realize that they're just a little confused, and are using the name that the child seems to answer to, presumably thinking that it's a regular nickname that everyone uses.

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#6 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 05:44 PM
 
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I don't know, maybe? Depends on what the MIL is like...

I think I would be most inclined to come up with some other random nickname & start using it a real lot around MIL until she started using it (and then make sure never to use your actual special nickname in her presence). But I guess that's a little passive-aggressive... winky.gif

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#7 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 06:06 PM
 
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Being from the south it seems that no one is ever called their given name. I bet if you started calling your dd her given name around mil that she would probably start using it. Save the special names for when mil isn't around.

I too felt something when my 2dsd started calling dd1 by a special nickname, but then realized that was all I ever called dd. It was mostly me and the kids during their visitations so never really heard her given name (which is what dh primarily uses). Since they only talk to dh on the phone between visitations, by the next visit they were use to using dd given name and I got use to using it around others.


Just the opposite. I have a sil, dh's side. That is called a very babytalk nickname by all the kids on dh's side. Since we rarely see her my kids call her by her first name since that is how she hears us. When we do see her it is usually without the other cousins

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#8 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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I'd probably be kind of passive agressive and if I heard her use it again, I would ask her if she knows what the nickname even means, as if you are curious about why she would use such a word.


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#9 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 06:52 PM
 
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I call my daughter Noodle and my son Bump all the time....I'm big on nicknames and they are constantly evolving (I bet that sounds really weird!  I used to just call her Noodle and now it's usually Princess Noodly-boo, and my son Bumpskerooni, haha!).  I would just say something if it bothers you.  I never introduce my kids by my little nicknames - I use their birth/proper names and I would expect others to call them that.  Family, however, I think it's endearing to call them a nickname.  That's just me, though...

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#10 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 06:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Being from the south it seems that no one is ever called their given name. I bet if you started calling your dd her given name around mil that she would probably start using it. Save the special names for when mil isn't around.

You see, the thing is that I *do* primarily call DD by her given name around MIL. I guess I must have used the pet name when I was holding her, thinking I was having a more private moment, when actually, MIL was listening. We call DD a lot of little names, but I use her first name a lot. I will definitely be more careful to NOT use that name when MIL is around. It's MINE! mischievous.gifredface.gif As petty as it sounds, it's mine. lol.gif


MIL has a lot of little ticks that bug me-- she's ALWAYS called DD "her" girl, asks me how "her" girl is doing, etc. When she visits, she absolutely grills me about what exact time DD fell asleep, woke up, what was in each diaper, etc. It's like she's the mama and I'm just the nanny or something. irked.gif

p.s. can you tell I have MIL issues? lol.gif

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#11 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 07:31 PM
 
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Reading these MIL posts/issues always crack me up because it's not my MIL who is like this... in fact my MIL is an angel, a wonderful woman, and completely respectful of my family and our right to do what we see fit at all times (we were 19 and 23 when we had DS so not everyone has always felt this way... God bless MIL!). My OWN mother is the problem! ROTFLMAO.gif She is constantly calling DD "her" girl - (very interesting, since she lives less than 1 mile away and has only seen DD about 4 times in her 3 months of life) - asking about her feeding and sleeping schedules and repeating nicknames. My DD's name is Jeana (Jean - uh) and I typically call her Bean or Beana and my DS calls her Jee Jee. My mom calls her by these names & it drives me nuts. I always try to use her given name around my mom but she always ends up calling to ask about "her little Jeana Beana" ... UGHHHH! My mother also has her own thoughts about BFing, BWing, ECing and the like........ MIL pretty much just says "wow, that's interesting" and then goes with it. Guess everybody has their agitating somebody? lol.gif


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#12 of 27 Old 04-28-2011, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Reading these MIL posts/issues always crack me up because it's not my MIL who is like this... in fact my MIL is an angel, a wonderful woman, and completely respectful of my family and our right to do what we see fit at all times (we were 19 and 23 when we had DS so not everyone has always felt this way... God bless MIL!). My OWN mother is the problem! ROTFLMAO.gif She is constantly calling DD "her" girl - (very interesting, since she lives less than 1 mile away and has only seen DD about 4 times in her 3 months of life) - asking about her feeding and sleeping schedules and repeating nicknames. My DD's name is Jeana (Jean - uh) and I typically call her Bean or Beana and my DS calls her Jee Jee. My mom calls her by these names & it drives me nuts. I always try to use her given name around my mom but she always ends up calling to ask about "her little Jeana Beana" ... UGHHHH! My mother also has her own thoughts about BFing, BWing, ECing and the like........ MIL pretty much just says "wow, that's interesting" and then goes with it. Guess everybody has their agitating somebody? lol.gif


Totally! Sometimes I feel like I complain too much about my MIL..and then again sometimes I think she really deserves it, based on her behavior and the words she chooses. My DH agrees with me 100%, so I know it's not totally me being petty. (The only problem with DH in this scenario is that he cannot stand up to his mom or be honest with her. The two or three times (in 10 years) that he's tried to talk to her, she's turned on the waterworks and he caved.)

Another "interesting" MIL event that happened six years ago when DH got back from Iraq...(TMI alert!)...I drove across the country to pick up DH and meet his plane returning from a year in Iraq. There was a natural stopping point at MIL's house (note: DH and I were not even engaged then) and so I stayed overnight. She took me aside before I left and told me she "was up all night worrying and just couldn't sleep and HAD to know if I was having my period" because she was just so worried that I would have it when DH got back, because "you know..." She was *completely* serious and looked me in the eyes with this statement, looking totally nervous about my response. I was like... jaw.gifdizzy.gifbiglaugh.gifshake.gif This is SO her, in a nutshell.


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#13 of 27 Old 05-01-2011, 08:34 AM
 
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Without question, this would annoy the stuffing out of me.  And doing DH's laundry?  Uh, no.  That's really weird (unless you and DH indicated you would appreciate this kind of "help").  And her asking about your cycle?  You kidding?  Completely inappropriate.  I do not think your concerns are "petty" or "issues," BTW.  And if MIL called my son "her boy" I would be gritting my teeth down to nubs. Oy and good luck, my friend.  Hope she doesn't live around the corner.  I am on my second marriage--my ex-IL's lived a couple hours away, which worked just fine for me...new ILs are close and it has taken a LOT for me to adjust and be gracious and set boundaries.  Regardless of frequency, she complains that she "never" gets to see him (even when it was once or twice a week).  She was our nephew's daycare when he was little, so I guess by comparison, she doesn't see our son that much, but hey--different kid, different parents, different deal.  Good luck.  Glad you have DH's understanding and agreement. 


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#14 of 27 Old 05-01-2011, 04:21 PM
 
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Yep, My MIL "slips up" all the time saying "come to mama", or "let mama get it" refering to herself...Grrrrr. Along with kissing my dd and ds on the lips ALL THE TIME. Drives me crazy!


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#15 of 27 Old 05-01-2011, 06:18 PM
 
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It would probably bother me, but I think I would try my best to get over it.  Nicknames just aren't a big deal to me. I do have plenty of other pretty minor annoyances that I doubt I will be getting over any time soon though, haha.

 


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#16 of 27 Old 05-01-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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It's nice to read the issues on this thread.  Makes me feel more normal!  My mom does a lot of the things mentioned here too.  OP, reading your post, I can totally see myself feeling the same way as you.  And while I might not be able to explain why I feel that way, I probably would beat myself up about feeling like that ("why can't I just love her for who she is? why am i so mean to her? why can't i just give her a break?").  I am constantly torn with feeling the way I am feeling and then feeling guilty for feeling that way.  I have tried to confront my mom too about boundaries several times, and oh the water works for weeks! and nothing changes.  She is coming for 5 weeks in June/July and just today I was struggling with it.  


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#17 of 27 Old 05-02-2011, 10:57 AM
 
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I called my son a little nickname from the beginning and when my husband started using it with him, I remember feeling a flicker of annoyance, as if I had some copyright over it. :-) So yes, having the in-laws doing that would probably annoy me also. Right now my 25-month-old actually calls the in-laws 'mom' and 'dad' (because that's what they call each other, and he spends enough time with them to pick up on that). This has been encouraged. This annoyed me a little bit, because hey, we're the mom and dad here! You know? I figure when he's a little older I can straighten out the naming conventions. :-)

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#18 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 10:26 AM
 
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I don't think it is petty at all. Not sure what can be done to stop it though. My MIL (and DH's grandma) both call DS "my boy" and DH's grandpa just calls him "boy" -both annoy the heck out of me. But . . .it is a minor thing so I breathe through it. As for the kissing . . . MIL does this alot. I mean, not just a kiss here or there, but if she is holding him, it is every 3 seconds. It got to the point when he was smaller that I couldn't let her hold him while he slept. She invariably woke him up with her kisses. I am just easily annoyed I guess, but otherwise she is a lovely person and a big help in many ways, so I try to let little stuff slide.

 

on the name note, when DS was in utero, we called him Pico (like the spanish word for small). She picked up on it, and it was very funny because she says it in a very thick Southern accent - almosy Pay-Ko - anyway, I thought it was funny. (no, neither DH or I are hispanic, but I have lots of bilingual friends) it actually was Pico Huevo, but shortened to just Pico.

 

 


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#19 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 10:40 AM
 
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The nickname thing wouldn't bother me, but everything else you've said about your MIL would totally bother me, so I can see how this is just one more annoying thing for you to deal with. She sounds like a real piece of work. How on earth did you respond to the horribly inappropriate period question?!? I would probably start saying things like, "Why would you say that?" or "What a thing to say" to her, instead of answering her bizarre questions. 


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#20 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 10:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It's nice to read the issues on this thread.  Makes me feel more normal!  My mom does a lot of the things mentioned here too.  OP, reading your post, I can totally see myself feeling the same way as you.  And while I might not be able to explain why I feel that way, I probably would beat myself up about feeling like that ("why can't I just love her for who she is? why am i so mean to her? why can't i just give her a break?").  I am constantly torn with feeling the way I am feeling and then feeling guilty for feeling that way.  I have tried to confront my mom too about boundaries several times, and oh the water works for weeks! and nothing changes.  She is coming for 5 weeks in June/July and just today I was struggling with it.  


I think these things, too. And then she visits, does her usual behavior and validates for me exactly why I am so annoyed in the first place. I am TOTALLY struggling with all of the family calling DH and telling him when THEY PLAN to visit us in June when this next baby comes. I mean...WHAT?!? irked.gif His family literally is calling us and giving us the dates of their visits. By the way, DH's parents are divorced, so I have TWO sets of crazy ILs. eyesroll.gif (All of our parents are divorced, and so there are EIGHT grandparents total. Sigh.)

Dh's sister has announced a visit this weekend, AND that she is bringing a friend. (A friend I sort of know (met once and liked) but...still.) DH told them that our "rule" is that one person can stay here, but if two or more people visit, they need to stay at a hotel because our place is too small, DD is a light sleeper, etc. Of course, DH's sister said they "can't" stay at a hotel, and really pushed to stay here. eyesroll.gif It's going to be *so fun*. P.S. his sister is *extremely* mainstream and rolls her eyes at almost everything we do. And she calls my MIL to "report" news that happens here, and give her the daily scoop.

MIL is already planning her June visit for this next baby. greensad.gif I told her with DD...light makeup only, preferably NO makeup, perfume, etc. She comes out the first morning smelling like a perfume counter and wearing (I kid you NOT)...dark red lipstick!! (She must think women in their 60s look younger with a face full of makeup?) She tells me "don't worry, it's permanent lipstick"...and later I see a dark red magenta smudge on DD's head...oh yeah, it was permanent alright! And a PAIN to scrub off a newborn's head!!! irked.gif Funny thing, DD's "baby acne" started just when MIL arrived and faded about a day or two after she left. Hmm...










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#21 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 12:05 PM
 
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Dh's sister has announced a visit this weekend, AND that she is bringing a friend. (A friend I sort of know (met once and liked) but...still.) DH told them that our "rule" is that one person can stay here, but if two or more people visit, they need to stay at a hotel because our place is too small, DD is a light sleeper, etc. Of course, DH's sister said they "can't" stay at a hotel, and really pushed to stay here. eyesroll.gif It's going to be *so fun*. P.S. his sister is *extremely* mainstream and rolls her eyes at almost everything we do. And she calls my MIL to "report" news that happens here, and give her the daily scoop.


Why doesn't your DH put his foot down? If that's the rule, then that's the rule -- no discussion. You teach people how to treat you, and what you guys are teaching your SIL is that she can just steamroll you and you'll cave and give her what she wants. And when she leaves her hotel to visit your house and starts rolling her eyes at your parenting, say, "If you're unable to respect us in our home you'll need to leave." And mean it. 


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#22 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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I think that you may be over-reacting. Your m,-i-l hears you call your BB something and maybe thinks "this is what she is called at home".  If someone in the park heard you call your daughter that nick-name and then used it, would you be equally upset? If when your DD goes to school and might choose to use that nick-name, would it bother you?

 

If it would, the idea of ANYONE other than you using this nick-name for your DD, then I suggest you never use it in another person's hearing and when your DD is old enough, tell her that only you, her mother, can use this name.

 

In the meantime, don't use the name around your in-laws if you don't want them to use it and they will likely forget it.

 

But, from the subsequent postings, it seems like this is the tip of the iceberg in your relationship w/ your in-laws.

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#23 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 08:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Why doesn't your DH put his foot down? If that's the rule, then that's the rule -- no discussion. You teach people how to treat you, and what you guys are teaching your SIL is that she can just steamroll you and you'll cave and give her what she wants. And when she leaves her hotel to visit your house and starts rolling her eyes at your parenting, say, "If you're unable to respect us in our home you'll need to leave." And mean it. 


Because, to be honest, I think my DH is easily steamrolled. He rarely puts his foot down with his family, and only then on the phone. He makes big claims to me, but never delivers. He was just giving ME a hard time today when I suggested that the month of June is already packed with family members back to back visiting, and I tried to remind him that I will be newly postpartum and that I'd like some consideration and protection of my babymoon/personal space during that time. He got defensive of his family, saying they did ask what days they can visit. And really, yes, to be truthful, they *are* trying to square dates on the calendar, but it's just the absolute assumption that they are coming, they are more than welcome into our home, etc, that bugs me a little. I am not trying to keep them away, but I do want to protect my right to and need for alone time, recovery time, etc, without having to be a hostess constantly. DHs father actually called to try to plan a visit for early June (this man basically dislikes all kids and has never even HELD my DD, and she's almost two!) and then actually stated that he FORGOT I was having a baby in June. Gah! I mean, at least FIL won't be in the way postpartum! lol.gif He WILL come, however, in late June, AND fully expect my DH to leave and hang out with him for meals, etc, because he won't stay here around a 2 yo and a newborn. greensad.gif


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#24 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 08:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think that you may be over-reacting. Your m,-i-l hears you call your BB something and maybe thinks "this is what she is called at home".  If someone in the park heard you call your daughter that nick-name and then used it, would you be equally upset? If when your DD goes to school and might choose to use that nick-name, would it bother you?

 

If it would, the idea of ANYONE other than you using this nick-name for your DD, then I suggest you never use it in another person's hearing and when your DD is old enough, tell her that only you, her mother, can use this name.

 

In the meantime, don't use the name around your in-laws if you don't want them to use it and they will likely forget it.

 

But, from the subsequent postings, it seems like this is the tip of the iceberg in your relationship w/ your in-laws.


Yeah, I hear ya. But really, it's a little Polish word that basically means "my baby"...it's not something she'd take on as her own nickname. And MIL *definitely* hears me call her by her given name almost all of the time. I will make certain I don't use it around MIL anymore. DH also uses this name, and so does my mom at times (it's what she called me, so it doesn't bug me...and my mother is also very good at respecting the fact that *I* am the mama now, etc, so it doesn't rub me the way it does with MIL.)

I mean, yes. I do hear you that I could be overreacting a little. I think this is not a majorMAJOR issue, but just another straw on the camel's back, yk?

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#25 of 27 Old 05-03-2011, 11:28 PM
 
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having a baby in June. Gah! I mean, at least FIL won't be in the way postpartum! lol.gif He WILL come, however, in late June, AND fully expect my DH to leave and hang out with him for meals, etc, because he won't stay here around a 2 yo and a newborn. greensad.gif
 


Wow, it sounds like your plate is very full. Maybe in the discussions about visiting, you can talk about limiting the time they spend? Or, they can spend lots of time w/ the 2-year-old? My mom and late step-father came to visit when my younger child was born and they played w/ my 22 month-old and took her places and helped her to feel very special while I was busy w/ the new BB.

 

If your DH and FIL want to eat out - they can take the 2 y.o. and that can give you and the new BB some quiet alone time?

 

It's a very stressful time for you, so try not to sweat the small stuff and ask for as much help as you can.

 

Best wishes to you!

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#26 of 27 Old 05-04-2011, 05:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, it sounds like your plate is very full. Maybe in the discussions about visiting, you can talk about limiting the time they spend? Or, they can spend lots of time w/ the 2-year-old? My mom and late step-father came to visit when my younger child was born and they played w/ my 22 month-old and took her places and helped her to feel very special while I was busy w/ the new BB.

 

If your DH and FIL want to eat out - they can take the 2 y.o. and that can give you and the new BB some quiet alone time?

 

It's a very stressful time for you, so try not to sweat the small stuff and ask for as much help as you can.

 

Best wishes to you!


Thanks. redface.gif I'm sure my mom will spend a lot of time with DD, and MIL, too, as long as I keep reminding her of my boundaries.

As for FIL...oh nooooo....FIL would *never* take DD with him and DH. I mean, NEVER. When he visits, DD will be left with me and the new baby, for sure. He will only want alone time with DH...NO kids.

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#27 of 27 Old 05-04-2011, 09:11 AM
 
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As for FIL...oh nooooo....FIL would *never* take DD with him and DH. I mean, NEVER. When he visits, DD will be left with me and the new baby, for sure. He will only want alone time with DH...NO kids.


But why would your DH go along with that? (I know you already answered that, sorry, I'm just having trouble taking it in I guess.) It sounds to me like your problem is with your DH, not his family. Your DH needs to realize that your post-partum needs are more important than bowing to the wishes of his overbearing family. I can't believe that isn't obvious to him already! I mean, if FIL just wants to visit with your DH and not your kids, why doesn't your DH insist that he visit at a time when you DON'T have a brand new baby in the house?? dizzy.gif

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