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Locking a toddler in her room at night

14K views 176 replies 51 participants last post by  MommaBirdie 
#1 ·
Hi everyone,

I need advice
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! Sorry, but a bit of background info, first: DD is 29 months old and is somewhat unusual in that she has almost always preferred sleeping in her crib *without* me being in the room. If I'm there--or, god forbid, attempt to co-sleep with her--she thinks it's play time. And she's like the energizer bunny--you know--and she does NOT eventually crash from exhaustion. Needless to say, going on vacation and sharing a hotel room with her has always been hell and I've never enjoyed traveling, ever since she was born.

So...this morning, I finally saw what I've been dreading for months. She's finally grown tall enough to get her foot up the side of the crib and it's only a matter of time before she attempts to climb out. Which means, I guess, that it's time to plan for the toddler-bed transition.

I have two questions. One, of course, is about locking a child into her room. I don't want to be talked out of it--I think :). I feel, considering DD's personality, that it's the best solution. But I'm wondering about practical things, like how to lock a kid in (oh dear, that sounds wrong). We are currently renting a place, and the doors don't use knobs but lever-type handles--so we can't use door-knob covers, as I've read about elsewhere on this forum. Also, do I need to invest in a video monitor, so I can make sure she's not doing anything dangerous in there?

Second question: We already have a mattress on the floor of her room, and I was hoping to just use that. But I know DD rolls around a lot in her sleep, and I was curious if there is anything out there that can be used as a barrier around the mattress.

Thanks so much in advance.
 
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#52 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by csekywithlove View Post

AP and all aside, who could not be somewhat upset/ worried after reading the first post?
I wasn't. I completely understand a kid who needs to unwind, on their own, in their own space, but won't do unless they're locked in. My DD1 is the same way when she has huge tantrums. If don't lock her in her room she hurts everyone around her and destroys things. If you lock her in her childproofed room she calms down in less than 5 minutes and yells "Mom I'm done tantrum, come get me so we can play!" It hasn't messed her up for life and she's always happy when I let her out. This is going to get me labeled as a bad mom on here, but I had to comment since the OP is getting beaten up.

And how is locking them in a room w/a baby gate different from locking the door? Most house doors are so thin you can hear right through them. I'm be incredibly concerned about a toddler trying to climb over the gate or stacking things (books in my DD1's case) to get over the gate.
 
#53 ·
so i just scanned the first page and some of the last and am not 100% sure of where the discusssion has gone.

but to the original post.....
my dd is/was the same way. always better on her own, in her own room in a crib since 5 months or so, cannot fall asleep with me or anybody there at all...has to be by herself..period....and has never had an issue with that. when she needs us we always go to her.

i transitioned her to a mattress on the floor (i was going to do futon but we got a thicker twin foam mattress topper...it's thin, cheaper, easier to find at stores, and we can always use it later) at around 18 months recently b/c i'm due in may with #2 and i just didn;t want two cribs in the house and i want to sidecar for #2. i put it off and put it off thinking it would be a big struggle. i figured she wouldn;t know how to stay in the bed and she did seem to enjoy her crib....would always run to it when she was tired. so we just childproofed the room and i figured i'd be ok with some roaming and then eventual sleeping but from the first night she's always stayed in bed. in fact, 90% of the time when she wakes up in the am and calls for me she's still in bed and we get to cuddle for a bit. as to the locking, i can't answer to the exact scenario except that at 20 months she can;t reach or open doors by the handle and i shut the door to her room (she falls asleep better that way...no distraction) so i guess in effect she's locked in. but on the other hand she never really tries to get out.....like i said, she kind of waits in bed for me...almost like she's stuck there. a few times she's been waiting at the door for me but that's the extent of it.

even if i kept her door open, i'd still gate off the rest of the house/the stairs and our door would be shut. the house is pretty large and not really childproofed and we have a dog that i like to keep at least minimally supervised around her so wandering around while we are sleeping is not an option (and i'm pretty relaxed about giving her free reign while i'm up and at least aware of her whereabouts.)
 
#54 ·
ok.....having just read most of the posts, i'm a little confused now...

how is getting a baby gate for the bedroom door in the tallest heights that you can find (so they can't get out) any different from shutting the door so they can't get out? i guess with the gate they can see out (although in our house she would just be staring at another shut door across the hall) but it's not like they could save themselves in case of a fire (g-d forbid.) i mean, to be honest, in a true emergency my 20 month old would be 100x safer locked in her room (where we knew where she was), as i have little confidence that at her age she would have the knowledge or wherewithal to safely navigate herself out of a smoking building.

is everybody here arguing that a toddler should have free range of the house at night or just access to her parents if she needs them? if it's the later then how would a baby gate at the door facilitate that? and what's wrong with allowing a kid access to her parents by letting her call out for them like they would do in a crib (assuming you're not anti-crib....and if you are then i'd like to invite you over to give co-sleeping or room-sharing a try with my kiddo and then try to tell me that having a toddler in a permanant sleep-deprived state is somehow better for her.)
 
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#55 ·
Alright, this is going to be the last post from me because I feel it's just going to continue to rouse a lot of emotional responses. I think my biggest mistake was choosing such a thoughtless title for my post. I never imagined this would become such a controversial discussion :) Confession: I didn't know Mothering.com forum was only for AP-practicing people.

For the record, using a door-knob cover isn't really locking the door. You turn it normally from the outside, but the person on the inside has a harder time doing so. Zero fire hazard, in terms of getting to your child. As for your child being able to get out in an emergency, it's debatable whether a frightened/dazed two-year-old would be able and willing to run out of her room and escape outside to questionable safety.

Second, I think a lot of people read "locking your child in" and jump to a lot of Flowers in the Attic conclusions. I honestly don't intend to use a door-knob cover for the long term. Merely during the transition period--a few weeks/months, perhaps?--when DD is adjusting to a new bed and maybe getting a little too excited about her new-found freedom. I only know what I've heard, which is that night wakings will occur more often during this time. What is the difference between her coming to me for comfort and me going to her to give her that comfort? And yes, when I know she's ready and that it is safe, I will definitely give her the freedom and choice to leave her room at night, as she needs.

Three, while I gave the baby-gate suggestion a lot of consideration, in the end, I can't see the difference between a gate and a door. Possibly, the reason so many people say a baby gate is okay, while a closed door isn't, is purely an emotional response. I suppose a few of those who responded negatively to this thread co-sleep, so the idea of shutting one's child off in another room WITH a closed door, to boot, sounds like something they would never want their child to endure. The thing is, judging from how well she sleeps and how willingly she goes into the crib herself, I can only assume DD feels content and safe in her crib with the door closed when it is bedtime, the only time I put her in there, and the only time she's ever in any room by herself. I don't see the difference between keeping DD in the room with a barred gate vs. a closed door--just that the former is see-through. Seems like a superficial difference to me, especially if DD is already used to the sight of the closed door at bedtime and I am ready and willing to go to her whenever she needs me.

I know there will probably be further challenges and accusations from people on this forum, but I think I did my best to explain my situation while remaining civil and don't think there's anything more that needs to be said. Thanks for the stimulating discussion.
 
#56 ·
My ds will be 29 months on the 3rd of June. If you have a toddler who is rambunctious and good at figuring things out...which most are, then a simple door knob cover isn't going to do much for you. My ds came upstairs from downstairs last week. My husband was watching him and had the downstairs door shut(we live in a 110yo house with doors everywhere) with the door knob cover. He came out of the bathroom to find the door knob cover on the floor in two parts. He asked ds how he got out the door and ds said, "I *cracked* it off!". LOL So, so much for that.

As for locking a child of any age in their room, I don't think it's a good idea. They should have access to their parents at night. We have gates up that make a path to our room, blocking the way to other parts of the house. Ds has a straight path to our room if he gets up. It's one thing to be in a crib with the door closed and call for your mom when you get up. Especially if it's something that has always been. It's another to be out of your crib walking around an empty bedroom, turn the handle on the door and not be able to get it open or get out. It's scary. Toddlers are not dumb, they know that when you turn a door knob, the door is supposed to open. Being locked in is not a fun feeling and it's not the same as being in a crib you've been in all your sleeping life. The difference in a closed unopenable door and a gate is probably emotional, but still just as important. I'd much rather be able to see out and feel like I am being heard, than be in an empty room alone wondering if anyone will hear me or come. You have other options, you just don't care to entertain any of them. (((shrug)))
 
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#57 ·
...ok ignoring all the arguing...

If you are reasonably sure that she is safe with everything in her room (no choking hazards, etc) and mainly are just wanting her not to explore the apartment while you are sleeping, it sounds like, as some others have suggested, a baby gate is the best way to go. I would just use it for a little while during hours you are awake to be sure she can't dismantle it or climb over it easily. Some toddlers are extremely creative escape artists!

I'm not familiar with the doorknob things. But when my son was small we didn't live in a house with many doorknobs - wow that must sound strange!
 
#58 ·
To add on the fire hazard issue - it was my understanding, actually, that it is recommended children sleep with doors shut, as it retards the spread of flame and smoke in the event of a fire anyway. I don't think I've ever really paid attention to that, mostly just had smoke alarms installed and prayed we never had a fire!
 
#59 ·
Doors shut doesn't equal doors locked. I think the fire hazard most people are worried about here is, in the event of a fire, the child not being able to get out of their room on their own (although I never thought about it the way someone pointed out....a child might be too frightened to come out on their own in that event, good point), or the parents not being able to get to her quickly enough to grab her and get out. That's just what I'm thinking about the locking/fire hazard issue
 
#60 ·
to the OP...i say jump right in....you might be surprised at how smoothly it goes. or at least hoping it goes as smoothly for you as it did for us. and yeah, i was thinking about this thread this am and realized that i think alot of the negative responses might come from parents of kids that still wake up alot at night (maybe?) for us, dd is in her room, sleeps straight through, and then in the am i wake up to hear her singing in bed for a little while or else she calls right out to me...and i always come. part of having her in her own room with the door shut, for us, was making sure she knew that the minute she called 'mommy', that we would come, so that she knew she didnt ever have to resort to more "drastic" measures. it sounds like you always come to your LO as well.

my friend also just transitioned to a floor bed and her kid is the same age as mine (20 months.) they do have the door handles like yours (ours our teh regular ones and dd can't open them yet) and her LO is able to open them. his unusual reaction is that if he doesn't fall asleep right away at night, he'll open the door but won't leave the room...it's like he knows he's supposed to stay in there...and he'll end up passing out in his doorway waiting for them. in the am when he wakes up he goes to their room and crawls into bed with them. i'm not saying that letting your LO open doors like that would work for you, it wouldn't for me with the size of the house and the dog....plus, this kid has gotten himsefl into plenty of trouble in the am while they were still sleeping. i guess it's more to let you know that yes, kids do have the ability to stay in their rooms all night, even w/o "locks." and like i said, the am roaming situation would not fly in our house, it just wouldn't be safe.
 
#61 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawmama1984 View Post

Doors shut doesn't equal doors locked. I think the fire hazard most people are worried about here is, in the event of a fire, the child not being able to get out of their room on their own (although I never thought about it the way someone pointed out....a child might be too frightened to come out on their own in that event, good point), or the parents not being able to get to her quickly enough to grab her and get out. That's just what I'm thinking about the locking/fire hazard issue
see that's kind of the whole fire safety point...if, g-d forbid, there were a fire, the safest place for my kid (other than with us, which isn't going to happen since she is unable to fall asleep with company ) would be closed in her room where we knew where she was. if she could get out and did, she could be anywhere in a 3 story (plus basement) home and i don't know how she could be found. a 2 year old is not going to calmly exit the house via the front door in a scary emergency. in fact, i was always taught that they would most likely hide somewhere. better that it be in her room where she could be found.
 
#62 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by tzs View Post

how is getting a baby gate for the bedroom door in the tallest heights that you can find (so they can't get out) any different from shutting the door so they can't get out?
I'm not sure that it is. I would use gates or secured sliding dividers to create a safe pathway from their bedroom to mine. I don't like the idea of a child who has a desire to get out to see me, not being able to do that. I get shutting a door for them to settle without distraction, but not in order to keep them shut in when they wish to get out.

I think we all have to do what makes us comfortable with our kids, but I do think there are better ways than locking kids in to a dark bedroom alone when they wish to get out. I do not co-sleep. My kids are in their own rooms each and have been since mid way through their first year because co-sleeping just wasn't working for us. I shut the door (DS with a click, DD shut but not clicked so she can push it open if she needs to) as they settle down. If I needed to actually lock it, I'd assume that means they are not yet ready to be alone, go to sleep, or needed something from me. I also leave all bedroom doors open before I go to bed so that A) I can hear everything. B) they can come to me if they have a bad dream or they need some water, or they just need a cuddle. I block off the living area by shutting that door, and I shut the bathroom door because DS can open it and DD who is not capable of using it alone yet can't. I am trying to imagine a living space where my room is so far from my child's that there would be no way for me to create a safe path between our rooms. I don't think I could live there. Even when DS was between 2.5 and 3 at his Gran's house and we were right up stairs, with the staircase right outside his bedroom door, a direct path, I was freaked out being so far from him.

I wouldn't feel safe.

As for the fire hazard situation. I could never leave my child's door closed at night when I was unconscious. If there was a fire in there, even by the time the smoke detector went off, the brass handle could be so hot I would be unable to get my child out alive. This is my phobia, but it is based on the experiences of an acquaintance of ours. I understand that it may be irrational, but i would rather be able to push the door open to get my baby, then have to worry about fiddly or searing hot door knobs in the middle of the night. I also worry that they may suffocate from the smoke, or that I wouldn't smell the smoke until it was too late. If that doesn't seem like a real risk to you, I get it. We all have our own things that make our mom knees go all jelly like. The thought of my child wanting to get to me but not being able to wories me.

Finally, even light sleeping parents have nights of truly deep comatose like sleep now and then, especially after several nights of exhausting non-sleeping babies. With doors closed, it can be hard to awaken, even with them open, it can be a challenge. I am and always have been a very very light sleeper, but not that long ago, when DD was about 10 months old after about 2 weeks of a tooth cutting through and virtually no solid sleep whatsoever plus a new full time job that came with plenty of stress, I closed her door to let her settle and I went to my room to grab my marking and I passed out. I don't know what happened. I reached across the bed to get the pile of exams and the next thing I knew...DH was out so it was just me and her...I woke up to DD shrieking her f-ing head off and by the sound of it she had been screaming for a long long time, choking in tears. I have never felt so guilty and like such a bad mom in all my life. She was scared and lonely and probably still in pain. Now, if DH is away, I wait until DD is asleep and I go sleep in her room with her, and I always leave the doors open when he is home.

IMO, I figure if a child is too young to be trusted to come to your room through a safe corral system, they are too young to be left alone by themselves in a dark room. But ya know, again, this doesn't mean because I think it's a shockingly scandalous way to handle the situation that I think people who do are BAD parents. Every parent does the best they can to make their children feel safe and loved, but I should be allowed to point out that there might be a better solution to meet those needs. That's why we have these forums, isn't it? For healthy open discussions about parenting choices?
 
#63 ·
yeah, to be honest we could corral a path pretty easily if i came up with another location for the dog. i didn't really think of it being an issue when we started and the situation as is works great for us now. but something to thinj about.
 
#64 ·
My basis on the fire safety issue was based on a former neighbor, who turned her child's doorknob around so she could lock the door from the outside. I know for ME, if I'm already in a little bit of a panic trying to get TO my child, having the extra step of needing to unlock the door from the outside could be an issue (shaky hands, racing minds, what have you).

But again, that is based upon the only person I've known to lock her child in their room at night, via the doorknob being turned around. That would be the only way *I'd* be able to do it in my house as well, unless I installed another exterior device to do so.

Our rationale for using a baby gate was to keep kids in their rooms until I or DH could get to them. We opened their doors (for the kids who could sleep with doors open) as we went to bed so we could hear them better.
 
#65 ·
I would lock the door or put a safety gate across. Sometimes, there is a child in the news who managed to escape and get killed while the parents thought she was sleeping. Do what you need to keep her safe. If she safety gate will work, you can go for that. Otherwise, the door knob protectors so she cannot open the door..that sort of thing.
 
#66 ·
The wanting the child to exit the house on her own in the event of a fire is an insane laughable one. Fact is, a 2 yr old is not going to have the know how to leave the house in the case of a fire. She will more likely hide in her room. Or somewhere in the house and if the door had not been locked, you might find that she left the room and you have to search the entire burning house for her, and not find her in time. However, in the event of no fire, if you left things so that she can leave the house all by herself, well, she would get kidnapped, run over, lost completely, who knows what would happen to her if she left the house on her own. In the event of a fire, you need to know exactly where your child is. Not knowing if they left the house on their own and are standing outside by a tree (which is unlikely for a 2 yr old) or hiding someplace in the house because they are scared, and now you cannot find them (the far more likely scenario) is a very dangerous thing. Fire or no fire, having a toddler able to wander around and even leave the house on her own is very dangerous. And if it happens a couple times, CPS can take your child.
 
#67 ·
I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tzs View Post

see that's kind of the whole fire safety point...if, g-d forbid, there were a fire, the safest place for my kid (other than with us, which isn't going to happen since she is unable to fall asleep with company ) would be closed in her room where we knew where she was. if she could get out and did, she could be anywhere in a 3 story (plus basement) home and i don't know how she could be found. a 2 year old is not going to calmly exit the house via the front door in a scary emergency. in fact, i was always taught that they would most likely hide somewhere. better that it be in her room where she could be found.
 
#68 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

The wanting the child to exit the house on her own in the event of a fire is an insane laughable one. Fact is, a 2 yr old is not going to have the know how to leave the house in the case of a fire. She will more likely hide in her room. Or somewhere in the house and if the door had not been locked, you might find that she left the room and you have to search the entire burning house for her, and not find her in time. However, in the event of no fire, if you left things so that she can leave the house all by herself, well, she would get kidnapped, run over, lost completely, who knows what would happen to her if she left the house on her own. In the event of a fire, you need to know exactly where your child is. Not knowing if they left the house on their own and are standing outside by a tree (which is unlikely for a 2 yr old) or hiding someplace in the house because they are scared, and now you cannot find them (the far more likely scenario) is a very dangerous thing. Fire or no fire, having a toddler able to wander around and even leave the house on her own is very dangerous. And if it happens a couple times, CPS can take your child.
Sorry, Lisa but where did this come from? Who on this thread has said anything like that? I'm confused. Providing a safe route to the parent in the night, and not having a closed door between you and them after everyone has gone to sleep and the parents are heading to sleep. No one has said a child should have access to leave the house...did I miss something?
 
#69 ·
I haven't read all the replies thoroughly, but I wanted to say when my current youngest first went to his "big boy bed", he would frequently get up in the middle of the night to go play with toys downstairs. If he wanted me, he would wake up one of his brothers, call out, or knock on the door, but if he was wanting to go play, he just got up and headed down the stairs. All 17 of them. In the dark. I was not comfortable with that at all. We had a gate up there for all of five minutes before he decided to scale it and tumble down. So, we put one of the doorknob covers on the inside of the door for the next couple months. I was nervous at first, but both the older boys could open it no problem if they needed to, so that made me feel better. Little guy doesn't want to get up in the middle of the night anymore and we have had the cover off for a while.

Having a daycare, I have to take all sorts of fire safety classes and seminars. I would never ever be comfortable with anyone sleeping with their doors open. Sure a doorknob might be hot when you get there, but with the doors open, the fire would be in the room already. I think any mother would burn their hands or break down a door to get their babies out. It is simply a fact that they are safer with the doors closed.
 
#70 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by hakeber View Post

Sorry, Lisa but where did this come from? Who on this thread has said anything like that? I'm confused. Providing a safe route to the parent in the night, and not having a closed door between you and them after everyone has gone to sleep and the parents are heading to sleep. No one has said a child should have access to leave the house...did I miss something?
I did! And it is a completely irrational fear thing. I hate the idea of my kid being trapped in her room in the event of an emergency. I don't actually believe that she would make it out on her own in the event of a fire, but I like the *idea* that she could escape. Obviously the most important thing is to know where your kid is in the event of an emergency.
I still think the OP should look into a bell thingy for the door.
 
#71 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I would lock the door or put a safety gate across. Sometimes, there is a child in the news who managed to escape and get killed while the parents thought she was sleeping. Do what you need to keep her safe. If she safety gate will work, you can go for that. Otherwise, the door knob protectors so she cannot open the door..that sort of thing.
*trying to add a bit of humor* When my son was three, in our 1 bedroom apartment, while I took a nap, with the front door locked via deadbolt 4 feet off the floor, he very quietly dragged a chair over to the door, unlocked the deadbolt, and made a break for it. I was awakened by the landlady bringing him back! I later caught him trying to do the same thing AGAIN... he actually had the grace to look guilty when he got caught. After that I just couldn't take naps anymore! The little Houdini...
 
#72 ·
I am pretty horrified by this thread and can not believe anyone would consider locking a child in a room. I mean really why is your house so dangerous that you need to fear her getting up?

IDK this just screams abuse to me...
 
#73 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

I am pretty horrified by this thread and can not believe anyone would consider locking a child in a room. I mean really why is your house so dangerous that you need to fear her getting up?

IDK this just screams abuse to me...
How do you define abuse? People make different parenting choices - but it does not mean that their children are abused.

Throwing that word around so casually - you know that there are kids that are actually abused, killed, injured every day?

I'm offended to be called an abuser. It's really out of line.
 
#74 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

I am pretty horrified by this thread and can not believe anyone would consider locking a child in a room. I mean really why is your house so dangerous that you need to fear her getting up?

IDK this just screams abuse to me...
to be honest but more importantly, to be REALISTIC, yes, my house is so dangerous that it would not be safe for a 20 month old to be all alone in (with parents sound asleep.) i don;t know anyone who owns a house that would be safe enough for a toddler who knows how to maneuver things, climb, get into all sorts of trouble, to be alone and unsupervised in....unless they live in a bubble somewhere. and like i said before, dd has very free range of the house during the day when i am AWAKE and can hear what is going on. OR more likely, NOT hear, because that is when she is really getting into trouble.

i mean, the list is endless...there are bookcases that could topple, there is a gas stove where the gas could be turned on, there are knives that are accessible if she climbed onto the counters, there are electrical plugs, there are sinks with faucets, there is a front door, there is a refrigerator (yes, kids do climb into them...and suffocate...ask my friend whose toddler did it while with a babysitter,) there is a basement with dh's tools, shelves, and a furnace and alot of concrete...and there's a (sleeping) dog who could startle when woken up. heck....little kids even drown in toilet bowls....silently! that's just for starters.

i think the most logical argument here that has been against shutting them in the room (which we do with dd) is not for letting them free-range at night but somehow setting up a plan for them to be able to reach the parents' room and that's it. suggesting that a toddler should be able to roam the house while everybody sleeps is more akin to abuse to me...or at least negligence.
 
#75 ·
I am only saying this simply because it's what comes to mind in reading this thread, but I had a foster daughter previously. Her older two siblings were removed and placed into foster care for various issues, obviously, but the largest one was that they were being locked in a room. Granted, there were more factors to the story than simply that, but be aware that the Department of Human Services justified that as the largest complaint in the actual removal. They were held in care for many factors, but that was the one that warranted the police showing up at the front door and physically removing the children.

Just be please aware of this. Not calling names, throwing stones, or even throwing my opinion into the mix. I just wanted to offer that situation up for consideration by all involved.
 
#76 ·
and to add, if i'm an abuser for shutting the door of my kid's room while she sleeps then so be it...because she wakes up happy and singing and rolling around in her bed with her "baby" and waiting for cuddles from mommy. sounds like it's working out to me.
 
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