My son acts like a girl - help me please! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 107 Old 01-07-2012, 08:59 AM
 
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Look, when a large number of generally caring, accepting people respond so negatively to something you've said, your first instinct should be to take a step back and ask why.  Maybe take a minute to evaluate your own position.

 

It IS sexist to frame being like a girl as a negative/insult.  The title of your post is inherently sexist.

 

It IS extreme that you feel like a certain kind of man would make you want to throw up and you are worried that your son is going to be that kind of man.

 

If your stress is about being overwhelmed and alone I imagine most of us here can relate.  That isn't what your post was about.

 

Your post is directed at your son in a way that seems very concerning.  I quit my beloved job as a professor to raise my son who has special needs.  He is tiring, oppositional, and very hard to take care of.  But I never feel the things that you expressed in your post.  That you feel these things is what concerns me.  No one is attacking you.  I have had unhealthy feelings and responses to my son.  It has been difficult to look at where my own unhealthy responses are coming from.  Just as I would tell a mother with PPD that it is not healthy to have obsessive thoughts about harming her child.  I'm not being critical or attacking, I am saying that she needs help because she is having unhealthy thoughts.  The feelings you expressed in your post aren't healthy for you or your son.  It is normal to need help and it is normal to have unhealthy thoughts.  But it is important to be willing to get help.

 

The reason, to me, that I am reacting this way is the language you used about your son.  Even in your second post you refer to him as lazy.  A two year old simply can't be "lazy."  It is your focus on blaming him that is triggering concern for me.  HE refuses to pedal, HE is lazy, HE is the problem.  I think what many of us are really trying to say is that he isn't actually doing anything wrong.  It is your reaction that is problematic.

 

I really am very sympathetic to both parenting alone and dealing with a very difficult child.  I have my PhD, have lived in places without electricity and running water, have killed poisonous snakes with a machete, have had many health challenges and raising my son is by far the most difficult thing I've ever done.  I vent, I go a little crazy, I even sometimes resent my son some times.  But those are MY problems, not his.  He is not to blame - he can't be because he is a little child.

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#62 of 107 Old 01-07-2012, 09:04 AM
 
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a) He's a child. Back off. Let him be.
b) I'm sorry you feel that being or behaving like a girl is something bad that you need to be helped with or saved from.
c) Maybe you should have gone with show dogs instead of children so you could train them to be exactly what you want them to be and not have to be embarrassed to the point of wanting to throw up.

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#63 of 107 Old 01-07-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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Us suggesting therapy does not mean we think you are "messed up".  It means we think you need some outside help.  That is not shameful.  And, honestly, I find it personally offensive that you think people who need therapy are "messed up" since that's where I am now.  Guess what, no matter how strong I am I can't get over my abusive past by myself.  And that abusive past was severely affecting the relationship with my children to the point that I was afraid of abusing them myself. 

 

Let me repeat that:  There is no shame in seeking therapy.  Now, people may want to shame you.  My dad was great at that, but it doesn't mean he's right.  Getting therapy was the number one best thing I ever did for myself, and in turn it was the best thing I ever did for my children. 

 

Also, the way you were quick to think that we would judge you harshly by the fact that you've seen a therapist in the past means I don't think you understand the intent of people here.  We don't think you're crazy, we think you have some issues you need to work through.  When was the last time you saw your therapist, before having kids?  I found in my own life that having children brought up so much past and issues that therapy was needed all over again just to sort out my new life. 

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#64 of 107 Old 01-07-2012, 04:56 PM
 
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On the more practical end:  Having a fussy baby on your back and a really slow-moving toddler while you're a ways from home and it's 10 degrees out is kind of hard.  I have a 12 month old and an almost 3 year old, so I experience that frequently.  The easiest thing I've found is to choose a time that'll be naptime for the little one to be outdoor playtime for the big guy, and to dress both me and the baby up really really warm (her sleeping on my back).  Also, as previously mentioned, if the baby is crying or people are getting cold and we really need to get somewhere, I do insist on some choice that moves at a reasonable speed - i.e.  "do you want to walk by yourself, or do you want to hold my hand?  If you walk by yourself, you have to keep going."  Or bring some way to push/carry/pull the big one and insist on that choice if you really need to get going and he's too slow.  Occasional outings without the baby, if possible, are great too, where you can relax and go at his pace the whole way.  But my kid also sometimes insists on destinations far enough that he doesn't want to walk back from them, when I can't carry him because I'm already wearing his sister.  In that case, I just grab his hand, ignore the whining, and we walk back.  I think it's OK for them to learn that walking/biking somewhere means they have to walk/bike home too.

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#65 of 107 Old 01-08-2012, 01:45 PM
 
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Its rough having kids so close in age. Its rough living where you have no support system. I've been there. Dd2 was born just after we moved to a new country where I didn't speak the language and knew nobody. Dd1 was a toddler. Add that isolation to health issues with me and with dd1, a kid who nursed every 45 minutes round the clock and conitnued isolation due to not having a babysitter so I could take language classes the whole first year and its not suprising I ended up depressed. I was exhausted on every level. Yes I lost patience with my kids. Yes I got frustrated with everything.  At my worst, I still never had thoughts as harsh as those posted in your original one.  I've worked in mental health as well. No one here thinks your "crazy" because you've seen a therapist int he past. Have you seen one since having kids? Go talk to someone, please. For your sake as much as for your kids. Because you don't sound like you are enjoying being a parent at all.


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#66 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 12:19 AM
 
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ignoring all the other issues cropping up, some active games my DS loves are chasing (he calls it fetch, like the doggy does) balls and jumping on the bed or small trampoline his grandma got him. Maybe since he is calmer and more quiet you can use this as a time to teach him more intellectual things or concentration, like stacking blocks, coloring, reading cooks, playing with play-doh, learning letters and number, colors and shapes, etc. Try to enjoy him before he grows up and you can't change what you've already done. Best of luck

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#67 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 12:22 AM
 
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Also, as an added thought, maybe he would enjoy group classes, like gymnastics (great for balance), where he can play with other kids and learn skills useful for other sports later on. Our local children;s museum here is play-based, and it always get my LO excited and running around.

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#68 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 07:00 AM
 
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frankly i find your post so offensive in several ways i cannot think of a way to respond that won't get me banned.

what in the world does your son's behavior have to do with sex? 

also- "a man like that would make me want to throw up?"  what is WRONG with you?



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#69 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 11:41 AM
 
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yeah that on what most here have commented on re. original post. how sad i am for your son and i pray you find acceptance of him and meet him where he is at, trusting he is being who he is and how he is and that he is perfect JUST AS HE IS.

 

i'd much rather my son stay as a sweet, thoughtful sensitive loving boy, then man someday than a selfish macho unemotional brute.

 

get in touch w/ your heart of hearts. not the one you think is your heart.

 

i could just cry. your post was heartbreaking to me as a mother and as a human being.

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#70 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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OP, the fact that your DS can pedal a bike and sometimes wants to, sounds awesome to me.  My DS is almost 3 and can't jump off the ground with two feet.  I do care about his physical inability - I care for his sake.  I want him to be able to keep up with the other kids and be able to fully interact with them and have lots of fun.  Do you think you are caring for your DS's sake, or your sake?  It's really hard to not consider your children as a reflection of yourself.  In some ways they are and will be, but in some ways, they are totally separate from you. 

 

I bet that as your baby reaches toddlerhood, the two of them will become more active together.  maybe the baby will be a social butterfly and lead your DS out to the playground.  


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#71 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 11:52 AM
 
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"This problem bothers me at many levels. 1) It is not healthy that he doesn't get any regular exercise at all, and exercising as part of self-care and wellness is a very important value of mine that I want to pass on to my kids from a very young age. 2) I expect a boy (a man) to be active, energetic and athletic. A man like him would just make me want to throw up, and I can't even wrap my thought around the fact that this is my son at 2.5 y.o we're speaking and what kind of man (if at all) he's going to grow up to be. 3) Laziness is a trait that I absolutely cannot live with and again I can't believe this is my son! 4) It just makes me mad that I'm totally tired chasing, jumping, yelling, dancing, being exciting, just to get him to move his body and he won't move a single bit."

 



See, this was my brother when we were very little. You could put him in a room full of toys, and he would (seriously) crawl to the closest one, play with it for 30minutes, then crawl to the next closest one, and repeat. He was an excellent defender in soccer when he got older. Now he's on the go so frequently that my parents (who are both incredibly active) can't keep up with him on vacation anymore (he planned an entire visit to Korea for them, and when they got home they were so exhausted from all the activity I think they slept for 48hours).

 

Even if he's not physically active, thats not necessarily "lazy" - he might just be more analytical, or cautious, in nature. It's OK. It's hard sometimes to accept our children as they are - the hardest part of parenting maybe - when you realize they aren't what you thought they would become. Every baby comes wired with their own unique personality, and its hard sometimes to accept that as a parent, even at your absolute best, you cannot create their personality from scratch - its already there.

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#72 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 04:38 PM
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Hey folks, I just want to remind everyone that you can point out issues with another person's words without resorting to name calling and insults.  Let's keep the atmosphere in here respectful - even in disagreement.  Take a look at your posts here and *edit them* to keep them in line please.  

 

Thank you.

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#73 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 05:34 PM
 
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I don't know that your son is lazy, I don't know that kids that age can be truly lazy. He just might have different preferences for how he lets out his energy and he might just be doing his thing. Everyone has a different work out style. Personally, I enjoy low impact activities like walking or swimming or pilates. My SIL only likes high impact activities like aerobics, running, or dance. Neither of us is lazy. You can help your child not to be "lazy" by not over-relying on TV or computer games and putting an emphasis on play and imagination and doing, even if he's not "doing" very quickly. It sounds like you're already doing those things by taking your son to the park, taking him out on the trike and encouraging him to do stuff.

 

I also think it seems like you need a BREAK! Everyone gets fed up with their kids some times. I had a period where my son waking up in the middle night made me angry and resentful of him. Once I started to feel like that, I realized that something about the situation was not working and we needed to change things up a little bit. It sounds like you're shouldering a lot of the time/energy burden of parenting two very young and seemingly very high needs children. I think it's great you want to foster physical activity as a positive outlet for your son (it's a great outlet for ALL children, regardless of gender) so I think you should look into classes like Little Gym, swimming, soccer, or tumbling where you can drop him off for an hour or two a week. He can tumble around and get his wiggles out and if you get a sitter for your 12 month old, you can have that time entirely for yourself. Go to Starbucks! Read a good book! SLEEP! You need to do it for yourself because it will make you a better mother.

 

You may have to re-examine your expectations of your children, and you may want to re-examine what you think a "boy" should look like and a "girl" should look like. Everyone is different and has different personalities.


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#74 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 07:18 PM
 
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Quote:
On seeing a therapist - it really is so easy to say "this woman got problems and she needs to see a therapist". Are you saying that I'm a mess?

Well.  In short.  Yes.

 

The feelings you are having about your son?

 

NOT normal.

 

I realize by your update that you feel it is normal/reasonable.  But it is actually not.  Which is why the universal response here has been what it is.  All of us have had times of frustration, but the pure venom in your post towards your son has alarmed a lot of people.  And I definitely feel that the issue here is not your son-- it is you-- and you owe it to both of your children to work out your issues and try to do whatever you can to fix these alarming feelings and expectations you have.


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#75 of 107 Old 01-09-2012, 07:23 PM
 
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I'm sure someone else already said it, but just take a deep breath and tell yourself this is not forever.

 

What's nearby that you could take your son to? How about the library, a gym or park? Skip the trike and bring a stroller. If he doesn't want to walk then he can ride and if you wear your other child then it's easier for you to toss him in the stroller and go. I know stroller's aren't very AP but you do what you have to. Also instead of going far, why not just a couple of houses down then turn around? My DD just turned 2 and is not very fast at all on her trike so we might just go in front of our house then turn around and do that until she's done. That way when she's bored or too cold, we're not far enough that I can't pick up the trike and go back inside (granted I am 8 months prego, but talk to me in the spring when I am wearing one and chasing the other and we'll see if I can still do that).

 

DD nursed a lot (not as a 12month old but close). We tossed her in our bed and that's honestly the ONLY way I was able to get any sleep some nights. Some people thought we were crazy but I am not pleasant without sleep so, again you do what you have to do. And I also resigned myself to going to bed at 9pm with DD and left the dishes in the sink and the laundry unfolded. It will all get done eventually.

 

Just remember he's two. He's little. Little legs have to move twice as fast to cover the same ground as an adult. Maybe he's just looking for attention and that's why he goes so slow. Give him the opposite attention of what you're giving him now and see what happens, make it an experiment.

 

But just remember to breathe. It's not forever and tomorrow is a different day (and all that good stuff). Good Luck!


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#76 of 107 Old 01-14-2012, 11:27 AM
 
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Just remember he's two. He's little. Little legs have to move twice as fast to cover the same ground as an adult. Maybe he's just looking for attention and that's why he goes so slow. Give him the opposite attention of what you're giving him now and see what happens, make it an experiment.

 

But just remember to breathe. It's not forever and tomorrow is a different day (and all that good stuff). Good Luck!



The opposite attention? Would that be like ignoring him?


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#77 of 107 Old 01-15-2012, 06:38 PM
 
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Just remember he's two. He's little. Little legs have to move twice as fast to cover the same ground as an adult. Maybe he's just looking for attention and that's why he goes so slow. Give him the opposite attention of what you're giving him now and see what happens, make it an experiment.

 

But just remember to breathe. It's not forever and tomorrow is a different day (and all that good stuff). Good Luck!



The opposite attention? Would that be like ignoring him?


No, the opposite would be praise and lots of it.
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#78 of 107 Old 01-15-2012, 07:22 PM
 
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No, the opposite would be praise and lots of it.


 

Instead of being frustrated and telling him to go faster, praise him when he keeps up. Like instead of giving a loud cheer if he did what you wanted him to, try a quieter "good job" or just smiling at him. Children feed off of how we're feeling even if we don't intend to, so projecting all that negative stuff, by over encouraging him to move faster, it might be making him want to do the opposite. So try being a quieter cheerleader was my suggestion.

It works a little with DD but generally we end up walking a bit in front of her when she's being super slow and we want her to move on. With her if we started giving her too much praise she ends up bored and generally moves on to something else, or ignores us entirely. Just my experience with DD.


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#79 of 107 Old 03-24-2012, 01:09 PM
 
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All things being considered there may be some physiological problem that perhaps you are trying to express but lacking care for social tact.

 

These are the possible health concearns that you may wish to have examined.

 

Bisphenol-A.

 

This chemical is used in our food industry usually as containers. It also happens to mimmic estrogen (the female hormone).

 

Do not heat food or liquids in ANY plastic bottles or containers in the microwave oven. Bisphenol-a is a chemical found in many plastic food containers that is exponentially released upon heating.

 

Believe it or not it is even released when put in refrigerators. Bisphenol-a is found in many household items such as toilet paper. Google for list.

 

Minimize the exposure especially with microwave ovens. (As a side note: The microwave oven was originally banned in Russia due to a study which revealed high linkage to cancers).

 

Flouride.

 

When Stalin ran his prison concentration camps in Russia, he discovered that he could reduce the need for prison guards by doping the inmates water with Flouride. Flouride effectively reduces willpower for inmates to revolt. 

 

Flouride is a poisonous by product in the production of Aluminum. It is one of the most toxic ingrediants known to man besides mercury. Flouride is the main ingrediant in rat poison.

 

However, read the back of your child's toothpaste. Notice the poison control center must be called if your child consumes more than 1 pea sized portion of toothpaste.

 

We are all being bombarded chemically and Flouride is one of the main culprits. Lucky for me we live in a town that does NOT flouridate the water also I buy Tom's tooth paste from Walmart which seems to be the only brand available that is non flouridated.

 

I also insist to my kids dentist that there be no flouride treatment.

 

GMO (Genetically Modified Organism)

 

Now this is the real nightmare.

 

Once upon a time some scientits working for Monsanto discovers a bacteria growing on their Round-up herbicide chemical waste dump.

 

The bacteria was evidently Round-up resistant.

 

So this bright scientist got the idea to Genetically insert the genes from the bacteria into 5 of our major food products.

 

We now, all of us, eat this stuff every day. It is also impossible or highly difficult to know exactly what you buy is or is not GMO.

 

President Busch senior pushed laws into effect to fast track the GMO so that FDA would approve it and NOBODY is allowed to know.

 

But a lawsuit revealed much. Autoimmune diseases and rats that wind up sterile within 3 generations.

 

The rats testicles turned black/blue from eating the GMO and all kinds of cancers developed.

 

At one point farmers where feeding the GMO to their livestock which refused to eat it and many died that did eat it.

 

But you and I, everyone of us are eating it every day.

 

For more interesting details on this youtube GMO Jeffery Smith.

 

 

Vaccinations:

 

Do not vaccinate your children. There are forms online with instructions on how to legally object to forced vaccinations.

 

Use religeous belief because that is most resiliant to legal recourse.

 

There is a very strong link to Autism and vaccinations.

 

Mercury (Thimerisol) and many other unhealthy chemicals are being used. Many use what is cstealled an antaginent which is a chemical that induces the immune system to flood the body created antibodies.

 

But guess what, the antaginent is aluminum. It stays in the system forever. And like mercury the toxic effects destroy nerve cells whereever the junk floats to.

 

You see, we are all of us under attack.

 

We are the excess population.

 

There is a depopulation program that has been in existance for quite some time.

 

Our country has been taken over by mafia.

 

Protect your kids.

 

 

 

 

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#80 of 107 Old 03-24-2012, 03:12 PM
 
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Well, OP... I can understand why some of the posts hurt you. Really I can. However, your characterization of your son, particularly wrt to gender roles, hurt people, too. I'm going to explain some things that I did NOT go into in my earlier response.

 

My children are quite a bit older than your son. My son is 20, and my daughter is 18. From Day One, they were like night and day. My son? Quieter, less physical, more cerebral than his younger sister. He was the one who wanted to be with me, help me cook & clean, etc. While she wanted to be out kicking a ball, running around, climbing, jumping, anything physical, no interest in cooking. etc. (Though, oddly, she LOVED folding my Dad's boxers when we visited my parents.) Is still not fond of reading. Really, nothing has changed.

 

Over the years, I have encountered quite a few attitudes about both of them from others. He's too much like a girl; she's too manly. Some of that from their own father. Who made it plain that he preferred the girl because she was less like me. (I should note, that, when they were young, my now-ex traveled a minimum of two weeks a month. Since they were 6&4, we've been divorced and I have been primarily responsible for them.) But I digress... #1 has always been his own person, marching to his own drummer. Never been a tough guy. Imagine the responses he got from others when he started "Free Hugs" day as a freshman in HS. Or when he'd run out to the PE class, twirling the entire way. Giggling. And, OMG... Listening to classical music. Opera, even. Yeah... Yeah - lots of assumptions about his orientation. He is actually a very strong person, emotionally, and pretty much shrugged off the names he was called. But it still hurt him. Just like it hurt him when his Scout buddies, one by one, drew away from him. When the Dads - who had known him from when he was small - turned their backs. All but one father/son.

 

Now, let me tell you about my son, the Man. He's still not athletic. But he does love to hang and watch a Yankee game with me when he's home. He does walk for AIDS research, MS research, Breast cancer research. He's in college, composing new and beautiful music, with a very bright future. He has a wonderful girlfriend, who he is moving in with when his current lease is up in May. He is a wonderful cook, who isn't afraid to experiment with flavors, textures, ideas. Still loves to read, anything and everything (almost). He is his sister's rock - the one person she will ALWAYS go to when she needs some support (besides me). He is a REAL man. And it hurts deeply when someone thinks otherwise. Oh, and.... he knits.

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#81 of 107 Old 03-25-2012, 08:50 PM
 
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I'm sorry for all the flack you received OP. A lot of it was harsher than was needed. They do have a point though, so I would really look at yourself and make sure you are healthy or at least have a practical view of a 2 year old. 

 

I know many toddlers that are just laid back. Often that is my son. He will swing and swing and swing just watching stuff. We go to open gym and he will just watch most of the time... he does have active moments, but not nearly as active as many other toddlers we know. We all joke that he's the thinker of the group and he's going to be very smart one day becuase he's sitting back taking so much in. That could be your son too, for all you know he could be gifted! Whatever it is just let him be him!!!! He's only a baby still! Let him be as long as he's not on the way to obesity he's fine. If you have real concerns about his behavior have him assesed, otherwise let him be himself. People have given lots of pratical advice, take it. If you know an activity isn't going to work, find something else. Keep the trike within a block of the house. Personally I say ditch the trike get a balance bike! They are way better! :) 


- Mom to Baby Mark (9/18/10) and 4 wonderful dogs!
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#82 of 107 Old 03-26-2012, 12:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RJSoft View Post

All things being considered there may be some physiological problem that perhaps you are trying to express but lacking care for social tact.

 

These are the possible health concearns that you may wish to have examined.

 

Bisphenol-A.

 

This chemical is used in our food industry usually as containers. It also happens to mimmic estrogen (the female hormone).

 

Do not heat food or liquids in ANY plastic bottles or containers in the microwave oven. Bisphenol-a is a chemical found in many plastic food containers that is exponentially released upon heating.

 

Believe it or not it is even released when put in refrigerators. Bisphenol-a is found in many household items such as toilet paper. Google for list.

 

Minimize the exposure especially with microwave ovens. (As a side note: The microwave oven was originally banned in Russia due to a study which revealed high linkage to cancers).

 

Flouride.

 

When Stalin ran his prison concentration camps in Russia, he discovered that he could reduce the need for prison guards by doping the inmates water with Flouride. Flouride effectively reduces willpower for inmates to revolt. 

 

Flouride is a poisonous by product in the production of Aluminum. It is one of the most toxic ingrediants known to man besides mercury. Flouride is the main ingrediant in rat poison.

 

However, read the back of your child's toothpaste. Notice the poison control center must be called if your child consumes more than 1 pea sized portion of toothpaste.

 

We are all being bombarded chemically and Flouride is one of the main culprits. Lucky for me we live in a town that does NOT flouridate the water also I buy Tom's tooth paste from Walmart which seems to be the only brand available that is non flouridated.

 

I also insist to my kids dentist that there be no flouride treatment.

 

GMO (Genetically Modified Organism)

 

Now this is the real nightmare.

 

Once upon a time some scientits working for Monsanto discovers a bacteria growing on their Round-up herbicide chemical waste dump.

 

The bacteria was evidently Round-up resistant.

 

So this bright scientist got the idea to Genetically insert the genes from the bacteria into 5 of our major food products.

 

We now, all of us, eat this stuff every day. It is also impossible or highly difficult to know exactly what you buy is or is not GMO.

 

President Busch senior pushed laws into effect to fast track the GMO so that FDA would approve it and NOBODY is allowed to know.

 

But a lawsuit revealed much. Autoimmune diseases and rats that wind up sterile within 3 generations.

 

The rats testicles turned black/blue from eating the GMO and all kinds of cancers developed.

 

At one point farmers where feeding the GMO to their livestock which refused to eat it and many died that did eat it.

 

But you and I, everyone of us are eating it every day.

 

For more interesting details on this youtube GMO Jeffery Smith.

 

 

Vaccinations:

 

Do not vaccinate your children. There are forms online with instructions on how to legally object to forced vaccinations.

 

Use religeous belief because that is most resiliant to legal recourse.

 

There is a very strong link to Autism and vaccinations.

 

Mercury (Thimerisol) and many other unhealthy chemicals are being used. Many use what is cstealled an antaginent which is a chemical that induces the immune system to flood the body created antibodies.

 

But guess what, the antaginent is aluminum. It stays in the system forever. And like mercury the toxic effects destroy nerve cells whereever the junk floats to.

 

You see, we are all of us under attack.

 

We are the excess population.

 

There is a depopulation program that has been in existance for quite some time.

 

Our country has been taken over by mafia.

 

Protect your kids.

 

 

 

 



...What.the.ffffffff

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#83 of 107 Old 03-26-2012, 05:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazurii View Post

Us suggesting therapy does not mean we think you are "messed up".  It means we think you need some outside help.  That is not shameful.  And, honestly, I find it personally offensive that you think people who need therapy are "messed up" since that's where I am now.  Guess what, no matter how strong I am I can't get over my abusive past by myself.  And that abusive past was severely affecting the relationship with my children to the point that I was afraid of abusing them myself. 

 

Let me repeat that:  There is no shame in seeking therapy.  Now, people may want to shame you.  My dad was great at that, but it doesn't mean he's right.  Getting therapy was the number one best thing I ever did for myself, and in turn it was the best thing I ever did for my children. 

 

Also, the way you were quick to think that we would judge you harshly by the fact that you've seen a therapist in the past means I don't think you understand the intent of people here.  We don't think you're crazy, we think you have some issues you need to work through.  When was the last time you saw your therapist, before having kids?  I found in my own life that having children brought up so much past and issues that therapy was needed all over again just to sort out my new life. 



yeahthat.gif

 

OP: While I was also triggered by your post...mostly it made me feel sad for your boy...I do understand the thought of "this makes me want to throw up", or the name-calling. I have had intensely challenging moments with my boy when I did think similarly harmful thoughts. I just want to reiterate that therapy can be very healing and help us deal with the way we get so upset over things like you are now with your boy. I have done therapy and found that since becoming a parent all of my inner pain and unresolved emotions were triggered and I needed support in working through it, as I saw myself, like you, thinking these mean thoughts and sometimes even outwardly saying things I later regretted.

 

I know it's hard to take criticism. I know some people here did judge you harshly. But I hope for you and especially for your boy that you have seen some truth in what the overwhelming message has been: that he has no problem and that you will both be happier if you find some support in adjusting your expectations of him and way of thinking about him. Whether or not you say such things to him he feels how you view him and it will destroy his self-esteem and wound his sweet heart to the point where he'll be needing therapy as an adult too!

 

I'm so sorry that our society puts such a stigma on therapy. It's such a pity because as far as I'm concerned MOST people need it! Doesn't mean we are all effed up or anything, just means that the experience of being human raised by (mostly) unaware other humans is painful and traumatic at times, and most of us need some support in healing that pain. I hope you can find your own support and more peace with your son. Good luck!


Mama since 2010
Multicultural living in Europe
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#84 of 107 Old 03-26-2012, 06:09 AM
 
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Quote:
...What.the.ffffffff

 

 

one can be dismissive but there seems to be more and more mounting evidence (scientific studies) that exposure in utero to chemicals does cause hormonal changes to the fetus  - Thalidomide effected sex organs just as one example and many do see the correlation between fluoride and early puberty- and most countries have banned  Bisphenol-A for infants

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 pro-transparency advocate

&

lurk.gif  PROUD member of the .3% club!

 

Want to join? Just ask me!

 

"You know, in my day we used to sit on our ass smoking Parliaments for nine months.

Today, you have one piece of Brie and everybody goes berserk."      ROTFLMAO.gif 

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#85 of 107 Old 03-26-2012, 06:19 AM
 
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oops.  my alarm was mostly with the statements
"we are all of us under attack" and "our country has been taken over by mafia"

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#86 of 107 Old 03-26-2012, 07:16 AM
 
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First of all the way you talk about your son I feel sorry for him. Have you ever considered that maybe he is just shy. Instead you want to go straight to my son acts like a girl. Secondly so what if he does act like a girl. You sound like your the one with the issues about it. Your suppose to love your child no matter what and it sounds like you can't accept him just because he doesn't play "manly" enough for you while being outside. At this point if I was you I would step back and take a look at your behavior and then get your son some help for the damage you have probably  caused him. If he is gay or transgender I hope you learn to love and accept him otherwise you will eventually lose your precious child by him either cutting off contact with you or taking his own life. Is that something you want to live with the rest of your life? Sure your son is only 2 but if he is gay or transgender your not going to change him.HOWEVER HE IDENTIFIES ACCEPT HIM OR HER...No matter what he prefers to play with. You need to seek professional help.

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#87 of 107 Old 03-28-2012, 11:17 AM
 
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*Seeing now that the original post is several months old...oh well.

 

I agree with lots of what has been said - that your embarrassment of him is more alarming than his behavior (which isn't alarming at all), that some kind of outside help (both a nanny/sitter and a therapist) is beneficial/necessary, but I wanted to throw out a couple more tips that may not have been mentioned.

 

>>When you go out to the park or for a walk, start out with ZERO expectations.  None.  Have no goal in mind, not even that you're going to do one lap around the block.  Accept whatever happens - if DS wants to sit on his bike and watch the cars go by, accept it.  Bored?  Bring a book, call someone on the phone.  

 

>>Don't encourage him to go faster, don't even talk.  Or better, talk!  Meaning, have a conversation with him that doesn't involve trying to change what he's doing.  If he stops to smell a flower, talk about the flower.  If he's watching other kids play, talk about what they're doing.  Give him attention that isn't directed at manipulating his behavior.  Don't praise him for doing what you want, either. Enjoy it inwardly, but don't express it to him.

 

>>Breaks don't happen spontaneously - plan time to yourself, or even just with you and the baby.  Make it happen, because if you are feeling like you're drowning and overwhelmed, you can't be a good parent.

 

>>Re-frame your perspective of him.  Don't box him into being "lazy" or "girly."  Focus on his positive attributes.

 

>>Understand the world from his perspective - toddlers are not miniature adults.  Reading The Emotional Life of a Toddler is a good start.  You might realize that he's asking for your attention (even negative) by intentionally doing the opposite of what you want, or asserting his will, or fighting you for power, or searching for boundaries, etc.  It will help you view his actions in a more positive light when you understand that he isn't trying to piss you off.

 

>>While we're on the topic of books, look into Unconditional Parenting.  Since you already have some feelings about your son that aren't positive (I'm not saying we/mothers in general ONLY have positive things to say about our kids, but the negatives seem bear more weight with you than they should), I think it's extra important that he not pick up on that.  He'll end up either constantly trying to meet your expectations of him or rebel against you, and either way will demolish his self esteem.  He needs to know that you love him no matter what, and just saying "I love you no matter what" isn't enough; you have to show it by actually accepting him as he is.

 

I hope you get help for getting through what is obviously a tough time.




Living and loving in ATX with DH (of 7 years) and DS (3.5)
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#88 of 107 Old 04-26-2012, 09:35 AM
 
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I know you don't need yet another response to this, but I felt the need to provide a personal story.  I am a 30-year old gay man who was raised in a small post-industrial city in Michigan.  As a child, I was clearly different from other men.  Not only was I gay, but I was also an introvert- both of these are orientations that are completely biological (this is not my opinion, it is science).  I preferred to play by myself or with one other close friend.  My family had expectations, however, about how boys should behave- and they imposed these expectations on me.  I was expected to play sports and to "learn how to fight."

 

I clearly remember my mother once taking a neighbor boy into her confidence and asking him to teach me how to play football.  My uncles would ask me what sports I was going to play at school, and they even coached some of the teams that I was supposed to play on.  I did play the sports, but I played them badly- which was even more embarrassing.  I even remember feeling the need to start a fight with a neighbor boy- I decided that I had to actually get in a fight or I would never meet my family's expectations of how a boy should behave.  Luckily, a neighbor woman with better sense intervened.  Can you imagine?  Your son putting himself in danger because of your expectations about him- not because he wants to, but because he thinks that you'll always consider him to be "weird" or "a freak" unless he does.

 

Now imagine what this has done to me.  As an adult, I struggle with confidence issues all the time.  I never feel like I'm good enough, even when people constantly tell me that I'm awesome.  No matter what I do, that little boy inside will never be "a man," and he will never be good enough.  I should have been an artist or a writer, but instead I'm going into Accounting.

 

What should my parents have done?  They should have encouraged me to be who I was, all the way.  I never received music lessons, art lessons, etc.  I wasn't encouraged to join book clubs, to enter art contests, to do what I loved to do.  I loved to garden, and I would frequently garden with this elderly woman down the road who shared my passion.  Instead of embracing this passion of mine, my mother asked me if the woman "ever touched me."  After that, I never helped the lady in her garden again.

 

No doubt your son loves to do certain things.  Let him explore those things.  Let him be who he is- he has a much better chance at being the best version of who he truly is than he does at being who you want him to be.

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#89 of 107 Old 04-26-2012, 06:24 PM
 
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aw, diagonal... huge hugs for you.

Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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#90 of 107 Old 04-27-2012, 01:39 PM
 
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I don't get it. If you had a daughter that did all the things you want your son to do, would you be posting here to say she was too active, not dainty, or perhaps unsure of her sexuality?

 

Your kid who he is. And, if he's particularly sensitive, he's for-sure picking up on how angry, irritable, frustrated, and disappointed you are in him. I'd clam up and quit trying, too. If he's unsure of how to participate, or some activities are intimidating to him (like a big slide, or swings where he only sees older kids), he might hesitate. If he hesitates and then sees you get all bent out of shape, he's just going to stop trying. Are you helping him learn how to proceed, or are you just showing irritation that he's not proceeding on his own? Are you helping him navigate new social situations, or are you expecting him to innately know what to do? Hint: A child is not going to automatically know how to proceed, even with kids his own age, when what's modeled for him, from you, is hostility.

 

He also might be holding back because with a new infant, he is trying to purposefully get more attention from you. Maybe your time can't be divided equally between your two kids, but have you set any time aside to just be with your son one-on-one? Full of praise and support and focus on what he does that you DO like? He might be feeling slighted, and is regressing a bit so he gets as much attention as the baby does. Just sayin'.


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