Possible Sexual Abuse - Mothering Forums

Possible Sexual Abuse

Anurag's Avatar Anurag (TS)
08:59 AM Liked: 0
#1 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2012

Hi-- I've been a semi-regular on this board since my daughter was born but this question is so private that I thought I should change my name lest anyone recognize it. 

 

First, let me say I am wondering if my daughter is being sexually abused; I feel like I know but I don't have any proof and I don't know what is normal or not.  Second, let me say that my feelings could be being influenced by my own bad relationship (on the way to divorce) with her father.  So, perhaps I'm not seeing clearly. 

 

Here's the story:  A couple of months ago my daughter started giving very amorous kisses to me and pretended that I was her uncle.  Her mouth was open and her eyes were very amorous. Something I've never seen before.  Then after that she wanted to start playing brother and sister.   Brother and sister involved her straddling me and rubbing her self against me, the kisses originally too. However, I think she can tell I don't like that as I'm so worried that her behavior isn't natural sexuality/or innocent 3 year old love but a reenactment of something else.  She has also taken my hand and put it between her legs, she says that "brother" plays with her there.  She'll have me lay down and ask me to take off my pants. 

 

I keep asking her who brother is, but she'll only describe a pink and yellow man.  Today I asked her where brother played with her,  I tried to not offer any information that would lead her.  She answered "You know, my *vagina (insert child word here) and his penis (*child word)."  Then I asked her to describe his penis because I thought there's no way she would know about that. However, I did use leading words.  I asked if it were soft or hard,  and then she first said it was soft and then said it was hard.  Every time I've asked her who her brother is, she won't tell me.  But today, when I asked her where her brother was, she said he was out playing his I-Pad (in other words, my husband) but it was a secret. (I honestly don't know if I used leading language here).  When I asked again what her brother does, she talks about making her 'sister' (pretend sister-- she doesn't have one) *bleed. And then she said something about playing with their vagina and penis but it would *break. 

 

Of course, this is very upsetting to me and I know I'm not presenting this in a clear manner but there's just been so many ways my daughter acts as if she has sexual knowledge that I don't know if it's normal or if I'm creating some story by asking her leading questions. I know people often say trust your instincts, but my 3 1/2 year old doesn't know the truth always.  Also, I remember when my mother asked me questions when I was younger, sometimes I'd answer in the way I thought she'd want to hear.  I wasn't lying with an alterior motive, I just wanted to please her.

 

My daughter is not exhibiting any other symptoms of sexual abuse (according to the internet).  She seems otherwise very well adjusted. I will say my husband does one of the things as a *potential abuser,  he'll force my daughter to hold her or kiss her sometimes even when she's squirming and saying no.  But that could be a perfectly normal daddy thing.  It just happens to make me cringe.  

 

Who can I talk to about this? We don't have much money? I just want my daughter to talk to an expert who could figure it out.  It's killing me-- but since there are no other signs  maybe it's me overreacting and creating a story in her head?

 

Thank you! 


Anurag's Avatar Anurag (TS)
09:02 AM Liked: 0
#2 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2012

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crunchy_mommy's Avatar crunchy_mommy
09:35 AM Liked: 562
#3 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 6,460
Joined: Mar 2009
Yikes, yes it does sound like something more is going on. That sounds well beyond what I would consider 'normal' sexuality for a 3yo -- I have a 3yo and he & his same-age friends do not have that kind of knowledge at all. They know where pee/poop comes from, where babies come from, that women menstruate, that boys & girls have different private parts, they think it's fun to touch & play with themselves... but I cannot in a million years imagine any of them coming up with the kind of story & behaviors your DD has. I'd find a therapist immediately, or call CPS, at the very least start with a visit to her pediatrician... bottom line, take action, NOW, and make sure she is not left alone with anyone who could have potentially hurt her. I'd also stop asking about it (and ESPECIALLY the leading questions) because that will totally mess with any investigation.

I'm so sorry you & your DD are going through this. hug.gif
Youngfrankenstein's Avatar Youngfrankenstein
09:44 AM Liked: 629
#4 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 2,225
Joined: Jun 2009

I agree with CM.  I don't think the kissing thing was a big deal but from what she's describing, she's getting spoken to like that or worse.  I am hoping someone here can help you on how to proceed from here.  I don't have much advice for that.  I mean, do you set up some secret cameras or something?  Check the ipad and computers?  Take dd to a dr for a physical exam?

 


goldenwillow's Avatar goldenwillow
10:56 AM Liked: 777
#5 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 1,124
Joined: Jan 2010

I am very sorry. 

 

I agree with PPs.  I was thinking that a sexual assault advocate at a local hospital would be very helpful.  Most have them and a trained sexual assault nurse can help in ways that a regular pediatrician and CPS could not (in experiences I have witnessed).  If not at a local hospital, maybe finding a non-profit that specializes in such matters. 

 

I am grateful your LO has a mama like you that is intuitive and following your gut.  I can attest the early intervention is so sensitive and needs to be handled with care. 

 

I wish you the best and will think of you and your LO. 

 

 

 

 


lovepickles's Avatar lovepickles
11:18 AM Liked: 46
#6 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 252
Joined: Nov 2010

You have proof. It is in her behavior. Please stop asking her questions or discussing it with her (just redirect and distract if you can) until you can get professional help. You run the risk of retraumatizing or normalizing the behavior. You have a difficult path ahead of you right now but the SOONER you deal with it the better it will be for your family.

 

Start with your pediatrician. It can be as simple as a phone call. This would fall under mental health and they can refer you to a child psychologist that will know how to talk and document the incident(s) with minimal disturbance to your child. From there you can get the law involved and then there is documentation if you need to prevent the offender from having access to your child.

 

In the meantime start a new tradition with your child and reevaluate her time apart from you. Keep her from potential "brothers" at all costs.

 

<3


DaisyMae08's Avatar DaisyMae08
12:06 PM Liked: 23
#7 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 767
Joined: Oct 2008

Call your daughter's pediatrician immediately.  Insist on being seen TODAY.  Your ped will help you figure out what steps to take from there.


Anurag's Avatar Anurag (TS)
12:10 PM Liked: 0
#8 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2012

Okay, so it seems that I should:

 

1) stop asking questions

2) redirect

3) take her to a pediatrician

4) take her to a sexual assault nurse-- perhaps after I have waited a bit of time  (but asap) so my questions will get out of her head.

5) try to keep her out of the hands of a potential abuser.  

 

I will follow through on all of these. I wish I could set up a nanny cam but they are at least a couple hundred dollars and we don't have that.

 

Thank you-- and if there's anything else I should know I'm all ears.


philomom's Avatar philomom
12:11 PM Liked: 2749
#9 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 9,263
Joined: Sep 2004
Yep, get to doctor's immediately and stop asking questions yourself. Let the trained professionals do that.
mamazee's Avatar mamazee
12:13 PM Liked: 6460
#10 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 7,246
Joined: Jan 2003
I wouldn't wait at all. I'd call her pediatrician today. But don't ask her any more questions.

Much love to you and her!
treegardner's Avatar treegardner
12:18 PM Liked: 74
#11 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 560
Joined: May 2009

Please don't wait to call.


crunchy_mommy's Avatar crunchy_mommy
03:49 PM Liked: 562
#12 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 6,460
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Right, don't wait to call, it's understandable that you've asked her questions -- most parents would, even though we know we aren't supposed to, I think it's instinct. You don't need to wait 'til she 'forgets' the questions or whatever. Just let the professionals know exactly what you've told us, that you've asked her a few questions but then felt like you might be leading or traumatizing her so you stopped. Take her to the pedi TODAY, this warrants an emergency appointment IMO, or at least a long phone call. And go from there. No waiting. No 'watch & see' -- this is time to ACT.
lovepickles's Avatar lovepickles
07:01 PM Liked: 46
#13 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 252
Joined: Nov 2010

Please do not set up a nanny cam and wait for it to happen again ... your child should NEVER be in a situation where you suspect abuse. <3


Mandy613's Avatar Mandy613
08:23 PM Liked: 11
#14 of 28
03-14-2012 | Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2012

Id straight out ask him. See how he responds. 

Then I'd take her to her doctor and fully explain all details to the pedi. Do not be surprised when Child Services gets involved as thats what happens in this case. 

Better to ask then to potentially allow this suspected abuse to continue. You would never forgive yourself. 

It could be something, It could be nothing. 

But if it were me I would take it seriously. 

 


Toposlonoshlep's Avatar Toposlonoshlep
04:44 AM Liked: 31
#15 of 28
03-15-2012 | Posts: 377
Joined: Jan 2010

Sorry, but worst idea ever. Do not take matters into your own hands!!!!! Your job is not to persecute the father, but to protect your daughter. Focus on that immediately!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandy613 View Post

Id straight out ask him. See how he responds. 

Then I'd take her to her doctor and fully explain all details to the pedi. Do not be surprised when Child Services gets involved as thats what happens in this case. 

Better to ask then to potentially allow this suspected abuse to continue. You would never forgive yourself. 

It could be something, It could be nothing. 

But if it were me I would take it seriously. 

 



 


ciga's Avatar ciga
07:41 AM Liked: 79
#16 of 28
03-15-2012 | Posts: 908
Joined: Aug 2009

Okay I definitely agree with PPs about  taking your daughter to professionals and for an exam and everything but I would like to add in this.  My 2 year old son, who I take care of exclusively, recently started trying to open mouth kiss DH and I.  It was very clear that he was imitating DH and I kissing.  I would 100% take your daughter to the doctor + a counselor but I just want to throw in the possibility that she saw other people in real life or on screen being sexual with each other and is imitating that.  A good friend caught her grandson and other friend's daughter (both 4) "playing doctor" hidden away from a party last year.  They were being inappropriate enough that she separated them and then asked everyone at the party to help keep them in sight.

 

Again, I'm not saying that there is no way she's being abused, I'm just saying it might be possible that there is a less frightening cause for her behavior.


Toposlonoshlep's Avatar Toposlonoshlep
12:59 PM Liked: 31
#17 of 28
03-15-2012 | Posts: 377
Joined: Jan 2010

I think there are a lot more red flags here than open mouth kissing though. My son (our kids have the same birthday one year apart, by the way!) open mouth kisses me and licks me and whatnot all the time. He's just playing around. But for a three year old to say that something is a "secret" and to use "brother" and "sister" like that when she doesn't have either, and then to associate those with rubbing her private parts on her mother....It's just too much. She would have had to see pornography or something in order to say some of the things she's saying...

 

I see your point that jumping to conclusions is not a great way to go, but this is a lot. So I say take immediate action. Don't panic, but take action.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ciga View Post

Okay I definitely agree with PPs about  taking your daughter to professionals and for an exam and everything but I would like to add in this.  My 2 year old son, who I take care of exclusively, recently started trying to open mouth kiss DH and I.  It was very clear that he was imitating DH and I kissing.  I would 100% take your daughter to the doctor + a counselor but I just want to throw in the possibility that she saw other people in real life or on screen being sexual with each other and is imitating that.  A good friend caught her grandson and other friend's daughter (both 4) "playing doctor" hidden away from a party last year.  They were being inappropriate enough that she separated them and then asked everyone at the party to help keep them in sight.

 

Again, I'm not saying that there is no way she's being abused, I'm just saying it might be possible that there is a less frightening cause for her behavior.



 


ciga's Avatar ciga
02:33 PM Liked: 79
#18 of 28
03-15-2012 | Posts: 908
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree with the abundance of red flags.  I was not in any way trying to discourage immediate action. I think I was just trying to say what you said so much more succinctly. "don't panic, but take action".
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Toposlonoshlep View Post

I think there are a lot more red flags here than open mouth kissing though. My son (our kids have the same birthday one year apart, by the way!) open mouth kisses me and licks me and whatnot all the time. He's just playing around. But for a three year old to say that something is a "secret" and to use "brother" and "sister" like that when she doesn't have either, and then to associate those with rubbing her private parts on her mother....It's just too much. She would have had to see pornography or something in order to say some of the things she's saying...

 

I see your point that jumping to conclusions is not a great way to go, but this is a lot. So I say take immediate action. Don't panic, but take action.
 



 



 


sk8boarder15's Avatar sk8boarder15
04:20 PM Liked: 298
#19 of 28
03-17-2012 | Posts: 727
Joined: Jan 2010

I would take her to a dr. IMMDEATLY! I hope you already have, and do not leave her around any men till you know what is going on! If you need to take work off do it! Come up with any excuse you can and take care of your daughter NOW. I really hope you already have! 


BabyMae09's Avatar BabyMae09
09:54 PM Liked: 59
#20 of 28
03-17-2012 | Posts: 1,293
Joined: Sep 2008

Can you give us an update on how you and you DD are doing?


lilgreenmama's Avatar lilgreenmama
09:07 PM Liked: 10
#21 of 28
03-18-2012 | Posts: 22
Joined: Jun 2009

I hope everything is ok.


Mandy613's Avatar Mandy613
01:28 PM Liked: 11
#22 of 28
03-21-2012 | Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2012

has anything been done yet?

 


sosurreal09's Avatar sosurreal09
03:00 PM Liked: 157
#23 of 28
03-21-2012 | Posts: 3,400
Joined: Nov 2009

Please please please DO SOMETHING. I have been reading this and waiting for a reply but here has been none. I hope to God you are still watching the thread and have already gotten some serious help!

 

My mother started being abused in toddlerhood and the abuse continued until she moved out of the house at 21 y/o b.c no one did anything to stop it. She could not heal from all the abuse and took her own life when I was 15.

 

DO NOT let this go your daughter needs you to be her hero grouphug.gif


letileon's Avatar letileon
01:35 PM Liked: 10
#24 of 28
03-25-2012 | Posts: 136
Joined: Jan 2011

Please don't confront your exhusband! If he is capable of sexually abusing his child then he is capable of physically abusing you both. You don't want to get into a situation where he thinks you know something he could go to jail for. You just need to keep your child away from him (or anyone else you suspect) and IMMEDIATELY alert your pediatrician. They should be able to direct you to the correct agencies geared to helping with sexual abuse. Just remember, this can be a very scary and guilt ridden situation for a child. Make sure that you are open with your daughter and clear that none of this is her fault.


LROM's Avatar LROM
12:51 PM Liked: 74
#25 of 28
04-04-2012 | Posts: 845
Joined: Sep 2008

Wanting to keep this thread on the radar - so concerned and hoping OP has taken action, and hopeful we'll here what happened?


AmyBP's Avatar AmyBP
02:54 PM Liked: 11
#26 of 28
04-06-2012 | Posts: 14
Joined: May 2010

praying! any news?


Azik's mom's Avatar Azik's mom
01:13 PM Liked: 35
#27 of 28
04-07-2012 | Posts: 172
Joined: Nov 2007

Wondering the same thing- have you been able to figure out what's going on?  Hope you find a solution for whats best for your DD.


Anna Phor's Avatar Anna Phor
12:27 PM Liked: 44
#28 of 28
04-09-2012 | Posts: 250
Joined: Jun 2009

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE(4673) 

 

http://www.rainn.org/


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