Leaving 14 month old in tub by herself.....? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 06:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanting to know if I am in the right to flip out on DH for leaving our 14 month old in the bath tub by herself while he went to the basement to find another bar of soap? (Gone about 3-4 minutes) Cuz I totally let him have it verbally and he totally thought I was over reacting! Now we are both peeved at eachother.....

 

She has no physical problems and the water was about rib cage high.

 

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#2 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 06:57 AM
 
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yikes.  That is way too young to be alone in the bath, I'd say you were right.


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#3 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:06 AM
 
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You were absolutely right. I have left my DD in the tub at that age for half a minute max to run to the next room and grab something quick, but the tub was completely drained and even then I was scared she might slip and hurt herself (she was standing up in the tub at the time, no way to get her to sit down). I would have been even more scared to leave her alone with even an inch of water!

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#4 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. He was kind of sarcastic to me about it and I am wondering if he knew he was wrong to do it and was more mad that he got caught. Ugh! irked.gif


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#5 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:19 AM
 
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scary. way too early, IMO. I won't even leave the room if DS is standing next to a filling tub!

this has gotten me wondering when I would actually leave DS in the tub alone...

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#6 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:20 AM
 
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I would have LOST it big time on DH. Sounds like you handled it well. That is a huge deal.

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#7 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:24 AM
 
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Not okay! Kids can drown in less than an inch of water.
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#8 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would've been less upset if he had just said he didn't know that he shouldn't do it but I was way more mad that he acted like I was being nuts!


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#9 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 07:51 AM
 
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I agree, it was a bad move on his part but "flipping out on him" like he knew it was a bad idea and did it anyway probably didn't set you guys up for having any real meaningful discussion.  You wouldn't "flip out" on your child for doing something she didn't know was wrong, why would you behave that way towards your husband?

 

You were 100% right to tell him it was a bad idea and why; you were out of line to "flip out" on him like he was doing something wrong on purpose.  Pretty much anyone would be defensive and sarcastic in that situation.  "Flipping out" in general would be a reasonable reaction (the thought of a 14 month old in ribcage deep water makes me woozy, I'm right there with ya!) but flipping out AT HIM was, IMO, a mistake.

 

Glad it all turned out ok!

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#10 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 08:07 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post

I agree, it was a bad move on his part but "flipping out on him" like he knew it was a bad idea and did it anyway probably didn't set you guys up for having any real meaningful discussion.  You wouldn't "flip out" on your child for doing something she didn't know was wrong, why would you behave that way towards your husband?

 

You were 100% right to tell him it was a bad idea and why; you were out of line to "flip out" on him like he was doing something wrong on purpose.  Pretty much anyone would be defensive and sarcastic in that situation.  "Flipping out" in general would be a reasonable reaction (the thought of a 14 month old in ribcage deep water makes me woozy, I'm right there with ya!) but flipping out AT HIM was, IMO, a mistake.

 

Glad it all turned out ok!

I respectfully disagree. I am someone who greatly dislikes conflicts but as far as I'm concerned, the OP had every right to flip out.  Her dc couldve drowned in that time..or got scalded; or fallen...so many terrible things.  I can see him getting upset that she yelled but I would think after a few minutes he would realize that she got upset because his dc couldve drowned!!  Everyone makes mistakes and I'm sure he didn't mean any harm but that is soooo dangerous.

 

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#11 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 08:10 AM
 
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There was a mother in our county that was charged with felony child abuse resulting in death last year after her 13 month old drowned when she left him by himself.

 

Babies do not make noises while drowning, it is not like in the movies where there is screaming and flailing arms. He would never hear it happening. 


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#12 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 08:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fruitfulmomma View Post

There was a mother in our county that was charged with felony child abuse resulting in death last year after her 13 month old drowned when she left him by himself.

 

Babies do not make noises while drowning, it is not like in the movies where there is screaming and flailing arms. He would never hear it happening. 



SUCH a good point..it would happen sooo quickly and quietly.  It would be horrible.  And, also as fruitfulmomma said, if your dc did almost drown or get scalded but (hopefully) survive you could still be accused of child abuse.  I think you were justified to flip out but now I really think you need to sit down with dh and talk calmly and tell him what everyone said here.  He really needs to be on the same page with you about this.  This isn't a question of one parent thinking candy is ok and the other forbidding it, this is a serious safety issue and he needs to get that.  I'm sure your dh is a loving daddy and doesn't want anything to happen to his dc. 

 

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#13 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 08:19 AM
 
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Ughs, my husband does this all the time.. Hes response is "DD1 is in there with him".. Shes 5! Shes not suppose to be watching her little brother in a bath. Its gotten to the point where I have given up asking him to help me with the kids. Its just not safe.


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#14 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 08:52 AM
 
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He probably didn't know any better and got defensive. Toddlers don't yet have an instinct to hold their breath if their heads go below water, so they can drown in almost no water at all, even just sticking their heads in a bucket to see what's in it. Let him know that the drowning risk is different than for older kids. I would have gotten scared and it probably would have looked like flipping out, so I understand why you reacted how you did.
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#15 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 09:31 AM
 
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I would have reacted the same way!  Very scary!  I read how easily and quickly a child can drown in the tub and to never leave them unattended.  They don't know any better, but an adult definitely should.  Very glad to hear your toddler was ok.  Oh, and hope you two make up quickly.  :)


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#16 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 10:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been thinking about this all morning and I am still upset by it. Mostly, because I think he still doesn't see how bad that move was and also because it feels like he isn't taking me seriously. He apologized "if my feelings were hurt." but not for being rude, not taking me seriously, or said that he wouldn't do it anymore. I guess I am really disappointed, too, because he said that he would start doing some more caring for DD so I could catch up on some house projects that are unfinished and now it feels like I can't rely on him to do it.


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#17 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 10:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Worm View Post

I respectfully disagree. I am someone who greatly dislikes conflicts but as far as I'm concerned, the OP had every right to flip out.  Her dc couldve drowned in that time..or got scalded; or fallen...so many terrible things.  I can see him getting upset that she yelled but I would think after a few minutes he would realize that she got upset because his dc couldve drowned!!  Everyone makes mistakes and I'm sure he didn't mean any harm but that is soooo dangerous.

 



I don't dislike conflict - I don't thrive on it but I don't mind being direct.  I do like having my husband listen to me and take my opinions and advice (and sheer panic, as if I discovered a 14 month old alone in a bath full of water, there would be some of that thrown in for SURE) seriously instead of getting defensive and not hearing WHAT I had to say because he was so put off by HOW I chose to say it.  If he did the same thing repeatedly and blew off my concerns, I would be mad AT him and we would talk about that, but if it was a one-off lapse in judgement then my priority would be giving him the information he needed to make sure it didn't happen again.

 

I do think a lot of people don't realize water doesn't have to be over-the-head deep to be a danger and children drown silently - and swiftly.  It's an easy mistake to make.  Once is a mistake, twice...then you flip out.

 

Either way, glad everyone is fine. 

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#18 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 10:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post

I've been thinking about this all morning and I am still upset by it. Mostly, because I think he still doesn't see how bad that move was and also because it feels like he isn't taking me seriously. He apologized "if my feelings were hurt." but not for being rude, not taking me seriously, or said that he wouldn't do it anymore. I guess I am really disappointed, too, because he said that he would start doing some more caring for DD so I could catch up on some house projects that are unfinished and now it feels like I can't rely on him to do it.

 

My husband and I have a few "deals" with safety where one of us thinks the other is being over-protective and nuts, but the other agrees to go along for the first person's peace of mind.  This has been a marriage saver for us.  I might just tell him that even if he doesn't get it, you need him to promise not to leave her alone in the bath for your peace of mind.  You appreciate the help, you want it to continue, but you just really need him to agree to it, even if he doesn't agree with it.

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#19 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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This would've been huge to me, too.  You just can't leave a little one alone in the tub, not for 20 seconds.  That's all it takes for a terrible thing to happen.  I like the PP's suggestion to make a "deal" if that's the only way your DH'll go along with it, but hey--alone in the tub is a HUGE deal.  Whew.  Glad nothing bad happened, but it sure could've.


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#20 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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totally wrong on his part. I think he needs to get over his defensivness- it is not his job to only help with his child as long as he can do it his way- it is his job to care for his child and keep them safe. Leaving a 14 month old alone in a tub and going to the basement? completely dangerous- and that is a fact. So he needs to understand basic safety- not think it is your opinion versus his. And rib high water is high- even supervised imo. My ds is 24 months and I never leave him alone in the tub- 14 months is unthinkable imo. If your dh can't understand that, then someone needs to teach him basic safety- or else he just needs to be designated less risky jobs.

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#21 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the advice. I think I will try the "deal" thing with him.


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#22 of 31 Old 04-16-2012, 05:58 PM
 
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Show him this YouTube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDzZvnFJAr8

 

Make him read this: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml11/11322.html

 

 


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#23 of 31 Old 04-17-2012, 06:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Lynn! I was kind of looking for something like that.


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#24 of 31 Old 04-17-2012, 06:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post



I don't dislike conflict - I don't thrive on it but I don't mind being direct.  I do like having my husband listen to me and take my opinions and advice (and sheer panic, as if I discovered a 14 month old alone in a bath full of water, there would be some of that thrown in for SURE) seriously instead of getting defensive and not hearing WHAT I had to say because he was so put off by HOW I chose to say it.  If he did the same thing repeatedly and blew off my concerns, I would be mad AT him and we would talk about that, but if it was a one-off lapse in judgement then my priority would be giving him the information he needed to make sure it didn't happen again.

 

I do think a lot of people don't realize water doesn't have to be over-the-head deep to be a danger and children drown silently - and swiftly.  It's an easy mistake to make.  Once is a mistake, twice...then you flip out.

 

Either way, glad everyone is fine. 



Yeah, I get what you're saying but I think there was no way she couldn't have been scared to death.  I do think it needs to get worked out calmly now.

 

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#25 of 31 Old 04-17-2012, 06:41 AM
 
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totally wrong on his part. I think he needs to get over his defensivness- it is not his job to only help with his child as long as he can do it his way- it is his job to care for his child and keep them safe. Leaving a 14 month old alone in a tub and going to the basement? completely dangerous- and that is a fact. So he needs to understand basic safety- not think it is your opinion versus his. And rib high water is high- even supervised imo. My ds is 24 months and I never leave him alone in the tub- 14 months is unthinkable imo. If your dh can't understand that, then someone needs to teach him basic safety- or else he just needs to be designated less risky jobs.



Exactly.

 

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#26 of 31 Old 04-17-2012, 06:49 AM
 
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If I were doing something that could risk my child's life I would want someone to tell me...even if they had to yell at me to make me get the point.  My child is more important than my pride. Like I said before, I'm sure OP's dh is a loving dad and probably got upset cause he didn't realize how serious what he was doing really was until OP got upset.  But now that they are calm he needs to not do it anymore...it's not about him "hurting her feelings."  I really hope the deal works cause this is scaring me. 

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#27 of 31 Old 04-17-2012, 09:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I think he gets it now. It seems like it has been drilled into his head. He took DD to her ECFE class today and I guess they were talking about how to not be helicopter parents but not be neglectful too, so that was good.


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#28 of 31 Old 04-17-2012, 09:11 AM
 
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That's great!  Good timing!

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#29 of 31 Old 04-18-2012, 12:07 AM
 
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I would have completely freaked out. Reminds me of when hubby used to run into the bathroom to get water to rinse whipes leaving baby on the changing table. I was gritting my teeth the first few times telling him how wrong it was. It wasn't untill I pretty much screamed at him the last time then he stoped. He is an absolutely amazing father.....its just something with a lot of men and safety issues I think. Its as if Their brain just does not work the same as ours! Like they truely believe "aahh its fine nothings gonna happen" We have also had some pretty heated arguments about the car seat being installed correctly......since he refuses to read the manual. Men!
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#30 of 31 Old 04-18-2012, 12:54 PM
 
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V. dangerous. Luckily for me dh is much more careful than me.


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