Travel to a funeral - leave DS2 (19 months) with DH or bring him with me? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 05-03-2012, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
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I can't quite decide what to do. I will be traveling to my grandmother's funeral (death not unexpected). The service will be short (15 mins) followed by a meal. It is supposed to start around 11 am. My flight is the day before, somewhat early, and gets back the day of, quite late (11:30 pm). So, travel time is about 41 hours. I have a layover both directions. This is not work travel, so it is totally possible to bring DS2 with me. There will be 2 children at the funeral, so he wouldn't be the only one. It would obviously be more difficult for me to travel with him, schlepping all the cr*p, worrying about him getting a nap at the right time, having snacks, making sure he eats, etc. His schedule is such that he sometimes needs a morning nap, which would be good in this case, but it is not reliable. Obviously, a 19 month old lap child is not anyone's idea of a fun time. And how to get him to be quiet for a 15 min funeral service (at least it's not longer)? I'm thinking maybe a video (without audio -- wonder if that would work).


DS2 is 19 months old, relatively easygoing, and used to being with a sitter for 6 hours a day. DH puts him to bed in a crib, he usually wakes around midnight, I nurse him (this is a full session) and then co-sleep with him. He nurses a couple more times the rest of the night. He does quite well with DH in general.


We also have DS1 age 4.5 (who nursed until age 3 and whom I did not leave overnight until age 2.5), who goes to sleep in his own bed and then joins DH in the middle of the night.


DH is confident with DS1, but is worried about being the only parent in the night with both of them having needs, and DS2 experiencing his first nights without me. Most likely DS1 would wake up and go into the bed with DH, and then DH would be up the rest of the night with DS2 (DH has trouble falling back to sleep). We could consider night weaning in advance to get him used to it, but I am a bit concerned with that plan because he rarely nurses during the day and really his main nursing session is the night one (before bed most of the time and the midnight feeding). This means night weaning would likely mean total weaning, for the most part, and I don't know if we're ready.


So, I just can't figure out what is best for DS2. On the one hand, traveling with him will be very disruptive to his schedule. He will probably miss some naps, etc., and it may be challenging not having him in his bed when he is supposed to be sleeping. But, he will have me there at all times to comfort him and put him at ease. On the other hand, him staying home without me would preserve his routine but would be disruptive in that I would not come back and he would have all that time without me. The longest I have not been around him was 12 hours (a few weeks ago) and even that felt long to me! I rushed up to nurse him when I got back, even though he was already asleep hide.gif.


So, I guess I'm kindof leaning towards taking him with me, but at the same time, I'm quite sure he will be just fine if I leave him with DH and it will be a non-issue for the most part. So, I'm waffling a bit! With DS1, I would have taken him, but he was just so attached to me that it would not have been a question. Plus, it's not like I will be able to take advantage of being childless and go out and enjoy myself if I leave him here, because it's a funeral for goodness' sake. Maybe I should think of it as bonding time with DS2...


Any thoughts/experiences??

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#2 of 3 Old 05-04-2012, 11:53 PM
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I was just in a very similar situation (literally just got back from NY, 24hrs ago) ....My grandmother was in hospice and I had the chance to fly out to see her before she passed. DD is just now 15mo and after much deliberation DH and I decided it would be less stressful for her to stay with DH and Grandma than to to try and fly her last minute across the country with me for four days total. DD did just fine with DH (I sort of lost my shit being so far away from her for so long, but she was fine). I made sure to express enough before I left so she could have BM in between her water and solids. I work nights about three days a week so she was used to DH putting her to bed and does alright with DH when she wakes up at night (she usually only wakes up 1-2 times a night though).


When I came home we went right back to our usual nursing schedule (well, she was wanting to nurse a little more frequently for comfort I think for the first day but other than that no worse for wear) and I think it was good for me to realize I CAN leave her with DH for that long if need be.

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#3 of 3 Old 05-05-2012, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for posting, Kate!! After having sortof decided to bring him, I have been having serious second thoughts. Indeed, the thought of having his schedule so entirely disrupted, the sleep, the food, etc., and then the inconvenience of traveling with him, I just think it might be the right time to go solo. And, at 19 months (will be 20 by then), he is much less reliant on breastmilk than he was at 15! So, if it went okay for you, I imagine it probably will for me too. He is used to going down with DH, just needs me later in the night. But, that will just mean one hard night for him and DH, and maybe that will put him on a better sleeping track anyway.


I am, however, worried about what you experienced -- going a bit crazy missing him! But, yours was 4 days, and mine is much less. So, knowing that I will probably be REALLY missing him at 24 hrs, I will also know I will be seeing him that same night (even if he is asleep), plus, I will have the whole weekend with him and DS1, which will help. I let DH take DS1 at age 4 for a 10 day trip, and I went crazy missing DS on day 3, and it was still a whole week before I would see him again! Not fun!!


Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts!

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