Please i need some advie and help!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-14-2012, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am currently going through a divorce and have a 20 month old.  I decided to go back to school so that i could make a better future for my son and I.  I only go mon, wed, and fri but it is usually all day. I was a stay at home mom before all of this. We have moved back into my parents house for the time being and he has started day care. This is the first time hes ever been away from me for this long and he cries ALL day. from the moment i leave to the moment i come pick him up. He has made some drastic changes in his behavior and not for the better. He has been hitting me, spitting out his food, wont use his words anymore just grunt and whine and point to things. Whenever he doesnt get his way he throws himself on the ground (no matter where we are) and makes a big scene. The stress of the divorce and school and now working have become alittle extreme. My mother provides no words of wisdom and maeks me feel like all of the changes hes made are my fault. I try to work with him and im usually very tired by the end of the day. He has become very clingy and i cant get anything done when we are home. Please im asking this community to provide some advice or even some helpful hints to make this HUGE transition for my son just a little easier for him. It hurts me that i feel that this could all be my fault.

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#2 of 7 Old 09-14-2012, 02:06 PM
 
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*hugs*  That sounds pretty awful.  Sorry I don't have any advice, just a lot of sympathy.  All of these things happening at once must be incredibly hard on both of you.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  Just keep loving that boy, his little world has been turned upside down and he probably needs tons of extra reassurance from you.

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#3 of 7 Old 09-14-2012, 05:27 PM
 
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Do you think it would help him to be at a different daycare? What sort of daycare is he in right now? Is it a center, or an in home daycare? How many children and what ages? How many adults? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having your mother blaming you cannot be helping. Hugs to you.
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#4 of 7 Old 09-16-2012, 08:03 PM
 
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Sounds like he's just stressed being in a group setting with other children and being away from you for such long periods.  I think that's what the changes in his behavior are showing.  Could you wait and go back to taking classes later?  I understand that you are looking out for your future and his but it seems that he's not adjusting well to being away from you.

 

I guess my only other thought is a small in-home daycare instead of a larger group.  If he's used to being with you all day, this might be more his speed.  I think it's a tough age to start daycare is all.


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4 years and 5 IVF cycles in the making, Elliott was born at home in water on 2/2/11.
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#5 of 7 Old 09-16-2012, 09:28 PM
 
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I'm so sorry!!!!

My first thought was: can school wait? I know you are anxious to provide better for your son, but that's not what he needs right now. Right now he needs consistency. One change at a time. Moving in with your parents was one change. And now you are working. Another change.

Let him adjust to those changes before throwing school at him. School is not going anywhere. Everyone is getting stressed. Slow down.

The other thing I would suggest is to find someone that can care for him at your house. I'm kinda going through the same thing as you are, and that has been the biggest blessing for my boys. By far!!

Your sons behavior is talking to you. Steady yourself and listen.

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#6 of 7 Old 09-16-2012, 10:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanesmom View Post

I'm so sorry!!!!
My first thought was: can school wait? I know you are anxious to provide better for your son, but that's not what he needs right now. Right now he needs consistency. One change at a time. Moving in with your parents was one change. And now you are working. Another change.
Let him adjust to those changes before throwing school at him. School is not going anywhere. Everyone is getting stressed. Slow down.
The other thing I would suggest is to find someone that can care for him at your house. I'm kinda going through the same thing as you are, and that has been the biggest blessing for my boys. By far!!
Your sons behavior is talking to you. Steady yourself and listen.

 This^^ totally agree.

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#7 of 7 Old 09-17-2012, 05:20 AM
 
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If that were me, I would put school on hold and focus on one major transition at a time. It is huge, HUGE for a 20 month old to go through divorce and then all of a sudden lose mama all day 3x/week.

 

As far as daycare goes, and again I would wait to start school but when you do,  make sure to have a very long and slow adjustment period. It is unrealistic to expect any toddler (let alone one going through a major transition already) to start daycare without an adjustment time where you two go together, just an hour at first and then you gradually increase the time as well as start having separations where you go for short periods of time. It usually takes 2-4 weeks but it works and there need not be any tears. I would say that to anyone starting daycare, but especially for your child who is already being uprooted. You cannot just throw him into a daycare situation without a very gentle, loving, gradual adjustment phase, without expecting radical behavior changes for the worse.

 

And I really would say just hold off on school for a semester or two. It is a great idea for you, as a newly single parent, to be furthering your education to secure both of your futures. Do not give up on that idea. Just make your son the priority now rather than his future, and help him get through this difficult transition (a move and divorce) and then once he's settled into that change, do the next one (school / daycare). If you continue down the road you two are on, it could likely impact his future, psychologically. It could lead to a vicious cycle of behavior issues. So in a way, by waiting for school you are investing in both of your futures by taking care of his needs now.

 

Or....would there be some compromise, like could your parents or siblings look after him and you take only one class, so it would be only a couple afternoons per week with a trusted family member rather than three full days with strangers in an unfamiliar environment? Even that I would wait for a few months to try, but maybe you could do sooner than full-time school?

 

In any case it seems like you need not only to radically and immediately change your course of action, but also do some damage control. I would not only quit school right away, but dedicate at least a couple weeks only to him and spending lots of good quality time together. He is really hurting, he needs a lot of TLC and attention right now, and I bet if you did that you would see a total shift in his behavior.

 

I wish you the best of luck! Just get through the move and divorce, get both of you back on your feet, and then jump head-first into school. Not the other way around.
 


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