out of gentler solutions for 2.5 yo "violence" - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 49 Old 04-11-2013, 07:57 PM
 
scottishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: in a little apartment
Posts: 1,095
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DD1 was like this when she was little. She is sweeter than anything now, but has a lot of extreme meltdowns. There is no turning your back and ignoring a kid like that, it only makes it worse. I have another daughter and she responds very well to conventional ignore the tantrum advice. The difference between their tantrums is night and day. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through and that it is extremely hard. I never found a perfect solution, but definitely noticed triggers. They are as follows...tv or iPad, sugar and lack of sleep.

Wife to amazing dh, mama to dd 12/08
scottishmommy is offline  
#32 of 49 Old 04-11-2013, 08:44 PM
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Have you tried praising her when she's behaving well?

The general rule of thumb is you need at least twice as many positive interactions as negative interactions.
marsupial-mom is offline  
#33 of 49 Old 04-12-2013, 08:28 AM
 
Maisigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Guelph, ON
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For those ladies who haven't tried ignoring tantrums and all the rest, it really does work. I've used it with adults with cognitive disabilities most, but my own 21 month very spirited daughter who is entering this tantrum phase with a vengeance already responds well to it. For me, learning the triggers are key and then tantrums can be avoided altogether. Ignoring unwanted behavior it's a real tactic, it works and many professionals use it. One term for it is extinction. Those who are familiar with ABA (applied behavior analysis) and it's application will know it is usually used as a teaching tool. If you do decide to use this technique, it is very difficult at first, but the unwanted behavior usually goes away pretty quickly. Also know that there it's always another period of time where that behavior you got rid of flares back up. This is normal, the kid is testing you to see if you're serious. I encourage any parent to use this technique, I've seen it work many many times in my own professional and personal life.
Maisigh is offline  
#34 of 49 Old 04-12-2013, 09:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
pamplona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 62
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post

My DD1 was like this when she was little. She is sweeter than anything now, but has a lot of extreme meltdowns. There is no turning your back and ignoring a kid like that, it only makes it worse. I have another daughter and she responds very well to conventional ignore the tantrum advice. The difference between their tantrums is night and day. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through and that it is extremely hard. I never found a perfect solution, but definitely noticed triggers. They are as follows...tv or iPad, sugar and lack of sleep.

Thanks, Scottishmommy - that was super helpful!! I agree that our best solution is also probably a combo of avoiding triggers when possible and the magical elixir of time. smile.gif
pamplona is offline  
#35 of 49 Old 04-12-2013, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
pamplona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 62
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maisigh View Post

For those ladies who haven't tried ignoring tantrums and all the rest, it really does work. I've used it with adults with cognitive disabilities most, but my own 21 month very spirited daughter who is entering this tantrum phase with a vengeance already responds well to it. For me, learning the triggers are key and then tantrums can be avoided altogether. Ignoring unwanted behavior it's a real tactic, it works and many professionals use it. One term for it is extinction. Those who are familiar with ABA (applied behavior analysis) and it's application will know it is usually used as a teaching tool. If you do decide to use this technique, it is very difficult at first, but the unwanted behavior usually goes away pretty quickly. Also know that there it's always another period of time where that behavior you got rid of flares back up. This is normal, the kid is testing you to see if you're serious. I encourage any parent to use this technique, I've seen it work many many times in my own professional and personal life.

How do you "ignore" someone hurting you via hitting, scratching (drawing blood), pinching, biting and kicking?

You'd be more likely to try to separate yourselves by locking you or the kid in a room. But why would you do that if there's a big risk of the particular kid hurting herself and/or majorly damaging something in the house, not to mention the emotional trauma of being locked somewhere against her will.

Also, I'm glad your strategy worked with your (younger) child and with some adults, but why would that experience lead you to be confident that the strategy works for all kids? Doesn't make sense to me.
pamplona is offline  
#36 of 49 Old 04-12-2013, 11:42 AM
 
graciegal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 314
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I dont think a kid is going to hurt his/herself to the point of it actually being dangerous. And as an adult, I think you could "endure" the biting, hitting, scratching the few times it should take to completely ignore it and show the child there's no reaction.

corrina62176 likes this.
graciegal is offline  
#37 of 49 Old 04-12-2013, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
pamplona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 62
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow - interesting response. I appreciate you sharing your view/suggestion. However, you've obviously never met my DD or other kids like her if you think that intervention would be effective and not harmful. So while your advice doesn't resonate with me, I wanted to thank you for responding. smile.gif
pamplona is offline  
#38 of 49 Old 04-12-2013, 01:06 PM
 
scottishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: in a little apartment
Posts: 1,095
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamplona View Post

Thanks, Scottishmommy - that was super helpful!! I agree that our best solution is also probably a combo of avoiding triggers when possible and the magical elixir of time. smile.gif
Yes, time really does work. As your DD ages
you may notice that she is deeply emotional. My DD1 at the age of 3 and a half, sobbed for hours because one day she'll grow up and not play with her toys anymore. She also had a complete breakdown over Madeleine getting her appendix out. When our elderly neighbor died she was devastated and would go kiss the sidewalk outside her house everyday. Most of her outbursts were from within if that makes any sense. They weren't really directed at us, although it felt that way. That's why ignoring, punishing, isolation etc never seemed to work, because she didn't even seem to notice what was happening around her. Now, I'm not suggesting you do nothing. You should absolutely prevent her from hurting you and herself. Being bitten can do some damage. While my dd never really hurt us (just hitting no biting) she did hurt herself. She once slammed her forehead on a concrete floor at a church play group that broke her skin. I was mortified. All the other parents were shocked as well. Luckily I have a younger DD who is the easiest most laid back toddler ever, so my parenting can't be blamed! Anyway, sorry for the rambling post! And I agree that ignoring "normal " tantrums works wonders.

Wife to amazing dh, mama to dd 12/08
scottishmommy is offline  
#39 of 49 Old 04-13-2013, 11:21 AM
 
corrina62176's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 30
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by McGucks View Post

I appreciate any advice anybody takes time to give, honestly I do. But I have to ask this poster whether she's ever been through this before. Prior to having the 3-year old I do, I might have given this same advice...but I can tell you, it is just not possible for most parents, regardless of temperament or gender (of both the adult and the child) to ignore this particular behavior over and over. Throwing a toy, ignore and have the child pick it up later...spitting on the floor, ditto. But ignoring repetitive whacking/hitting/biting? No can do. I am occasionally able to ignore and re-direct, but for me, it's just not always possible.

And, as much as I love my son, he has never been a gentle sweetie. He can be affectionate and wonderful, but you can't return to being something you never were to start with.
 
What a polite way to suggest I might be a crazy idiot!  :)  I totally understand what you're saying and yes, I have experience with an aggressive kid.  Well, formerly aggressive kid.  And I am absolutely empathetic to just fricking running out of patience.  We ended up in therapy. It took several thousand dollars out of pocket to muster up the gumption to ignore the aggression which extinguished it like dumping water on a campfire.  BUT, it got worse before it got better.  She was furious that we weren't engaging her tantrums.  We countered with conversations about great behavior when she wasn't being aggressive.  We role played.  We 'pretended' at tantrums, at aggression.  Our therapist had us set up scenarios like, "I bet you can't smile at me if I take away this toy" or "I bet you can't stay calm if I tell you it's naptime!"  It was a game and the practice became actual behavior.  And when she was aggressive or threw a fit, we literally just walked away.  No eye contact, no 'mom look', no words, just left... like it wasn't happening.  I would go to the sink and wash a dish so she couldn't see my face if she was hitting my leg or slamming a cupboard door.  Once, she shut her hand in her bedroom drawer while I was ignoring one of her fits.  Without words, I went to her when I heard the cry change, checked her hand without making eye contact, kissed her hand (it was fine) and went back to the kitchen.  We went from thirty to forty five minute fits and breakdowns to a calm, collected kid in a matter of weeks.  It was SO hard but what I was doing before - time outs, redirection, yelling, pinning her arms down, rewarding good behavior, taking things away - NONE OF IT was working.  I got to the point where I just had to trust someone else and do what she said blindly.  And it worked. 

I will say, your statement about how your son has never been a gentle sweetie really struck me.  Affectionate and wonderful sounds like a great goal and you know he's capable of that.  But he won't believe it unless you do.  It's the Pygmalion effect.  We had to change our language, change our own thoughts.  She's turning eight soon and our house has been predominantly peaceful and harmonious for years now. 

I guess the bottom line is there's NO shame in reaching out for professional help if you feel you need it.  Although what we've all experienced is *common* behavior, it isn't *healthy* behavior.  And in many cases, it will get worse.  It isn't too much to expect your home to be full of peace and love. 

Another caveat:  We also cut out all food dyes and work hard to balance protein and carbs.  The food dye elimination made a big difference with sleep and we all know how much easier it is to behave when you're well rested!
 
corrina62176 is offline  
#40 of 49 Old 04-13-2013, 11:32 AM
 
corrina62176's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 30
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamplona View Post


How do you "ignore" someone hurting you via hitting, scratching (drawing blood), pinching, biting and kicking?

You'd be more likely to try to separate yourselves by locking you or the kid in a room. But why would you do that if there's a big risk of the particular kid hurting herself and/or majorly damaging something in the house, not to mention the emotional trauma of being locked somewhere against her will.

Also, I'm glad your strategy worked with your (younger) child and with some adults, but why would that experience lead you to be confident that the strategy works for all kids? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

Pamplona, have you discussed her behavior with a physician?  Or a therapist?  You seem a little resistant to practical advice and my heart breaks for you that you're so exacerbated and exhausted.  I remember how defeated I felt and how I felt like everyone was looking to me to 'fix' our daughter.  If you truly believer her motivation is to inflict physical pain on you or herself then perhaps you need to seek some specialized help.  If she's simply gotten in a pattern where she's habitually using physical exertion to express herself, gritting your teeth and dealing with a pinch and a scratch while not giving her any currency WILL WORK QUICKLY.  Wear some heavy jeans and don't let her see your face.  It will end and it will end abruptly.  If it doesn't, then perhaps there are bigger issues at stake.  I can just about guarantee, even if you do identify and remove triggers like television or preservatives or casin/dairy or whatever, her behavior is now a habit and you will have to apply at least something cognitive to eradicate the behaviors you find undesirable. 
 

corrina62176 is offline  
#41 of 49 Old 04-13-2013, 07:50 PM
 
samhope's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Please read info on parenting by connection- either hih parenting or aha parenting. You don't have to ignore your child when s/theism crying out for help.
samhope is offline  
#42 of 49 Old 04-14-2013, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
pamplona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 62
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by corrina62176 View Post

 

Pamplona, have you discussed her behavior with a physician?  Or a therapist?  You seem a little resistant to practical advice and my heart breaks for you that you're so exacerbated and exhausted.  I remember how defeated I felt and how I felt like everyone was looking to me to 'fix' our daughter.  If you truly believer her motivation is to inflict physical pain on you or herself then perhaps you need to seek some specialized help.  If she's simply gotten in a pattern where she's habitually using physical exertion to express herself, gritting your teeth and dealing with a pinch and a scratch while not giving her any currency WILL WORK QUICKLY.  Wear some heavy jeans and don't let her see your face.  It will end and it will end abruptly.  If it doesn't, then perhaps there are bigger issues at stake.  I can just about guarantee, even if you do identify and remove triggers like television or preservatives or casin/dairy or whatever, her behavior is now a habit and you will have to apply at least something cognitive to eradicate the behaviors you find undesirable. 
 

 

Thanks for responding again, Corrina.

 

I have not discussed the issue with a health care provider or therapist. I definitely would if the behavior continues or worsens, but for now it seems like undesirable, but developmentally within normal limits behavior for my spirited child. She goes through phases of being more agressive/violent, and then phases of little to no agression/violence. In fact, ironically enough she pretty much stopped the current phase right around the time I started this thread. I also noticed at that time that three of her 2nd molars finally cut, which I seriously doubt was a coincidence.

 

I am actually confident overall about our strategy of telling her we won't let her hurt us, and restraining her as needed. It works better for us than the alternatives I've seen, which include spanking, ignoring (your strategy), or giving in to every whim.  What I was feeling bad about was the fact that she is so strong and agile that I have to restrain her quite significantly sometimes to keep her from hurting me. 

 

I've appreciated all the responses on this thread. Contrary to your perspective that I'm "resistant to practical advice," I think I'm doing what most parents do when they get advice: deciding what advice resonates with both my parenting perspective and what would work with my particular daughter.  I've really liked the advice related to minimizing triggers (food, environment, fatigue, etc). It's also been nice to hear affirmation that kids can grow out of this phase, especially with good parental support.

 

While I'm sure ignoring aggression/violence works for some parents and kids, it would not work for us. I feel like ignoring tantrums would send the wrong message my child (I agree with someone who mentioned ahaparenting, positive discipline, and some other sources). For a child like mine, ignoring violence would have many similarities with CIO, which would also not work at all for my child, but that's another topic. It would also not help to "wear some heavy jeans" while ignoring her - I would need full body armour, but even that wouldn't prevent her from hurting herself and/or damaging something in the house. So although I appreciate the suggestion, that advice does not resonate with me for my particular situation.

 

The last part of your response is this: 

 

I can just about guarantee, even if you do identify and remove triggers like television or preservatives or casin/dairy or whatever, her behavior is now a habit and you will have to apply at least something cognitive to eradicate the behaviors you find undesirable. 

 

What would qualify you to make such a statement? Why do you feel like you can "about guarantee" what will or will not work for most/all kids? I am working with my daughter to change her violent behaviors in the ways that work best for us, and will continue to seek more information if things aren't working. Luckily, I have no worries about her long-term or even short-term behavior, since she's out of the phase now and the fact that I'm consistent with my method and that she's getting more mature seem to be helping.

 

This thread has been helpful in hearing empathy from other moms who have been in similar situations, and in hearing lots of good suggestions. It's okay that not all the suggestions would work for me and/or my daughter. However, it does annoy me that you seem to think that your way is the only way for all kids. It's fine to make a suggestion based on what's worked for you and then let me decide whether it will work for me.

pamplona is offline  
#43 of 49 Old 04-14-2013, 11:28 AM
 
Sarah Louise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I get this feeling no one is going to want to hear it but - here goes. 

 

You all have children who are using violence to control you.  Recognize that.  Children need boundaries and it's up to parent to show them where they are and enforce them. 

 

Old time mommies whose kids bit, usually found that biting back, just once, tends to teach the child that is hurts and that there are consequences.  Immediate, unpleasant consequences.  A (one) quick swat on a padded rear end, while generally not painful, does make the point that that kind of kicking and hitting also has consequences.  It's the surprise and the consequence.  Don't be afraid to parent, don't be afraid of your own child.  Instead, offer unpleasant consequences for undesirable behavior.  If you need help getting into that mind set,  picture that child at 15 years old and 6 feet tall with no mental ability to recognize there are consequences to actions and no respect whatsoever for you or any other authority.  Don't hold hands like some kind of happy thing; take that hand and walk it firmly over to the chair and make it clear little one will stay in chair until YOU are ready for them to be out of it.  Not when they offer a meaningless apology to manipulate you.  When YOU say it's time. Take charge Mom.  It will not hurt little ones to learn to respect others, especially their parents and that there are rules in our society.  They'll be much better people for it.

 

Be the Parent.

Sarah Louise is offline  
#44 of 49 Old 04-14-2013, 02:35 PM
 
Maisigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Guelph, ON
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamplona View Post

How do you "ignore" someone hurting you via hitting, scratching (drawing blood), pinching, biting and kicking?

Also, I'm glad your strategy worked with your (younger) child and with some adults, but why would that experience lead you to be confident that the strategy works for all kids? Doesn't make sense to me.

I never said it was easy. I've been hit, hair pulled, threatened, stuff thrown at me etc. by my daughter and the people I supported. This doesn't immediately take away any threat or unwanted behavior. Believe me, I've had my fair share of violence and injury working in the group homes alone. I have experience in this with people who are what people consider "high behavior". It does work for the majority. It is very difficult (as the care giver). It is also worth it.

I would say that you need to combine this technique with others to save your sanity and safety. Use "if, then" statements (if you do this, then you get/we do this). Praise lavishly behavior you want. Use positive reinforcement (rewards, not bribes). The difference would be that a reward comes after the desired behavior, a bribe comes before. Learn how to get away from physical aggression and avoid the confrontation.
I took lots of training including nvci, first aid, and several courses in college that deal with challenging behavior. And even with this training, it took me years to get comfortable using it.
You're right, I don't know you or your daughter, but I've used my training enough to know it works with people who have the mental abilities of a 2-3 year old. Its what I was taught in school from instructors with decades of experience. Its what works in my own family.
I'm not lying or just making it up or misdirected that it will work for you. it may seem hopeless or stupid to try it, but you can't try this method. You have to commit. You go all in because you are the authority, the caregiver, the teacher. You find a way for it to work for you and it is different in expression for every relationship, but the principles are the same.
Maisigh is offline  
#45 of 49 Old 04-14-2013, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
pamplona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 62
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah Louise View Post

I get this feeling no one is going to want to hear it but - here goes. 

You all have children who are using violence to control you.  Recognize that.  Children need boundaries and it's up to parent to show them where they are and enforce them. 

Old time mommies whose kids bit, usually found that biting back, just once, tends to teach the child that is hurts and that there are consequences.  Immediate, unpleasant consequences.  A (one) quick swat on a padded rear end, while generally not painful, does make the point that that kind of kicking and hitting also has consequences.  It's the surprise and the consequence.  Don't be afraid to parent, don't be afraid of your own child.  Instead, offer unpleasant consequences for undesirable behavior.  If you need help getting into that mind set,  picture that child at 15 years old and 6 feet tall with no mental ability to recognize there are consequences to actions and no respect whatsoever for you or any other authority.  Don't hold hands like some kind of happy thing; take that hand and walk it firmly over to the chair and make it clear little one will stay in chair until YOU are ready for them to be out of it.  Not when they offer a meaningless apology to manipulate you.  When YOU say it's time. Take charge Mom.  It will not hurt little ones to learn to respect others, especially their parents and that there are rules in our society.  They'll be much better people for it.

Be the Parent.

Condescending much? I am clearly the parent, and my daughter doesn't control me with violence. I firmly tell her that I won't let her hurt me, and physically prevent her from doing so when necessary. She is learning respect for others just as I am showing respect for her.

There is more than one way to effectively teach kids these important lessons about how to treat others. Just as I would never tell another parent that my way is the only way, it would be nice if you could acknowledge the same.

I realize you don't have to use AP techniques to respond on this board, but am a bit surprised at a couple of the responses.
pamplona is offline  
#46 of 49 Old 04-23-2013, 08:59 PM
 
element2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 672
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OP I was thinking about this thread today because I was remembering a few months ago when DD bit me while nursing. She chomped down and grinned. It hurt and I was surprised and yelled "ow" pretty loudly. That startled her and she began to cry. She tried it to a lesser extent maybe a week or two later to the same reaction. She never tried it again. I made a mental note that if she ever tried biting again I would over-demonstrate that biting really hurts. It does sound like your DD is way past that though, right?

Happy Wife Since '05 and NEW MOM! in '12

Om'ing to Peace

Blogging Now Too! Visit my Blog

element2012 is offline  
#47 of 49 Old 04-26-2013, 11:15 AM
 
neonalee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,360
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by graciegal View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by neonalee View Post

Corrina - My first thought reading your post was, that doesn't work he just gets more angry and ups the ante so to speak. But as I continued to read I tried to take a step back. And I wonder, what would happen if I could hold out longer? Because really, that's pretty darn logical. If they don't get a reaction and then we make absolutely sure to give a lot of attention to other behavior, well... that *should* work. It's just a matter of figuring out how long it takes. I'm not sure if I'm at a place to make this work yet, but maybe soon.

 

Hi Neonalee, sorry youre going through these rough times. You said something that made me step back and want to post on this thread. You said youre not in a place to make this work yet... so I just want to gently say that if -youre- not in a place to make it work then -he- isnt, either. Does that make sense? It has to come from -you- first. He's just a small kid. He has no idea what's up from down. So I strongly wonder if his behavior is somehow linked to your reaction, and as long as youre not able to make the right one (as a strong adult who has control over the situation 100% of the time) then he won't ever learn.

graciegal - absolutely smile.gif I hold out as long as possible. And every time I take a few minutes to read threads like this or blog posts on aha parenting I find I can hold out a little longer. I try to remind myself of your exact points daily. Thank you for the kindness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah Louise View Post

I get this feeling no one is going to want to hear it but - here goes. 

You all have children who are using violence to control you.  Recognize that.  Children need boundaries and it's up to parent to show them where they are and enforce them. 

Old time mommies whose kids bit, usually found that biting back, just once, tends to teach the child that is hurts and that there are consequences.  Immediate, unpleasant consequences.  A (one) quick swat on a padded rear end, while generally not painful, does make the point that that kind of kicking and hitting also has consequences.  It's the surprise and the consequence.  Don't be afraid to parent, don't be afraid of your own child.  Instead, offer unpleasant consequences for undesirable behavior.  If you need help getting into that mind set,  picture that child at 15 years old and 6 feet tall with no mental ability to recognize there are consequences to actions and no respect whatsoever for you or any other authority.  Don't hold hands like some kind of happy thing; take that hand and walk it firmly over to the chair and make it clear little one will stay in chair until YOU are ready for them to be out of it.  Not when they offer a meaningless apology to manipulate you.  When YOU say it's time. Take charge Mom.  It will not hurt little ones to learn to respect others, especially their parents and that there are rules in our society.  They'll be much better people for it.

Be the Parent.

While I appreciate all the thought that went into all the advice on this thread, and that it never got heated, the advice above bothered me very much. I come to Mothering to get away from mainstream parenting ideas. While this community is not against logical consequences, those consequences should not include biting, hitting, spanking, swatting, etc. In fact, if you were to read the mothering user agreement you would see that there is a strong stance against such.

As for us - wax and wane. Comes and goes. Thanks again for all the ideas here.

Loving mama to Aden (8/5/2010) and DSD (15).
neonalee is offline  
#48 of 49 Old 04-28-2013, 06:38 PM
 
heatherdeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
Posts: 4,888
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by marsupial-mom View Post

Have you tried praising her when she's behaving well?

The general rule of thumb is you need at least twice as many positive interactions as negative interactions.

 

Responding to ^^, for my own child, I was always focused on the positive interactions and FTR, I only ever paid attention to tantrums when he was going to physically hurt himself or someone else in the home.  Sorry--but some kids are simply responding to something other than their parents.  As was the case with mine.

 

But I also wanted to just make sure that we stay in line with the Mothering guidelines.  Physically hurting a child is not in line with that.


Heather - Wife , Mommy  & Health & Wellness Educator, Speaker & Consultant 
 
Dairy, soy & corn free with limited gluten... yes, really. And journeying towards peace.  Blogging about both.
 
Let me guide you to find the food and lifestyle choices...
heatherdeg is offline  
#49 of 49 Old 04-29-2013, 04:32 AM
lab
 
lab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: everywhere baby!
Posts: 3,652
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wanted to chime in and say that I have experienced the violent behavior with my son as well. The difference for me was that my son was 13. I have to agree that ignoring the violent behavior is the best way to go. And this is coming from someone who was told " if you don't come here I'm going to punch a hole in your wall". Which he promptly did. I can't say it was easy, it was very difficult, but the only thing that really worked was to leave the room and stop and engaging him. When we started ignoring his behavior the violence escalated from our belongings to our physical person. So it got worse before it got better. Something another poster said that really resonated with me was that my son was using violent behavior to control me. And he really was. He is 19 now and an absolute love. I will say that the thing that probably caused the outbursts was a mild depression that resulted from the suicide of my brother. The point in telling you that was that his violence was coming from a place of sadness which someone else has pointed out

Edited to add: that we did spend countless hours in therapy. We initially took my son and insisted that he be seen. But after the intake interviews the therapist would only see my husband and I and insisted that my husband and I were the problem
corrina62176 likes this.

Trying to do the right thing with three kids and a hubby. 
ds20, dd18, ds17
lab is offline  
Reply

Tags
Toddlers , Gentle Discipline , Discipline

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off