My toddler is 2 years and 4 months old. He hits me when he gets upset at me for any reason, doesn't get his way, can't do this or that, whatever.
And we don't have a lot of rules, so it's not like he gets "no" a lot. I say yes whenever I can, and I let him do a lot that others probably wouldn't. I give him choices, and try to let him decide a lot for himself (within reason).
But with toddlers being toddlers, and he has a temper, I still get hit a lot. Not every day, but many times a week.
And this really does get to me, I know he's 2, and I know he does not mean anything by it (he's not wanting to hurt me or anything), but I do NOT like to be hit. I'm an abuse survivor, and that's probably why I have strong feelings about it. Sometimes I really have to count to 10 to not react strongly.
What I do right now is that I get down to his level (or pick him up) so we have eye contact, and I tell him that he is not allowed to hit, that hurts me. If he does it repeatedly, I will stop him by holding his hand.
Well, that's what I do most of the time, sometimes if I'm tired or whatever I might just say "ouch!" and "do not hit me".
If he hits other children, I will tell him it hurts them and also help him "make it up" to them by saying sorry for him and show him how to stroke them gently (hold his hand and help him with the gentle touch).
He only hits other kids if they take his toys away from him or ruin something he's playing with, but most often he will actually just take it back while yelling "no, it's mine" or whatever, or pushing them away.
More or less like almost all the other 2 year olds he's around, so I'm not worried about that, it'll pass when he learns better impulse control and to use his words instead and such.
But he has been hitting me for a long time, and what I'm doing does not seem to be working. Or is it just his age? Will it pass? (If so, when?) Or should I do something else?
Ok, the other thing. Me and someone I work with were discussing a situation here, and I had this bad gut feeling when he said how he would handle it. But I'm not sure why. He is a child psychologist, and I usually think he is very wise with his suggestions.
I'm just not 100% sure it's very AP.
So, the situation, imagine a 2 year old who is in daycare. He likes being there and is happy, when his (single) mother picks him up she takes her time and waits for him to be ready to go.
His older siblings go home from school on their own.
2 year old wants to walk home from daycare, but he does not want to walk the right way. He wants to walk exactly where his curiosity takes him, and any attempts to get him to walk in the right direction doesn't work too well, and it takes them forever to get home. And sometimes, that is fine. Other times, they have to get home. When his mother then puts him in the stroller, he will kick and scream and protest, and he doesn't really stop. He will cry basically the whole way home. And although it's only a 10 minute walk, the mother really doesn't like it. She would much rather talk to him, sing songs, look at things they pass, whatever. Have a pleasant walk. And you know, the crying does something to the mother's instincts.
Now, the child psychologist said he would explain the deal to the child "we have to get home because of x and y, so you have to be in your stroller today", lift the child in, and when he cries just tell him something like "I know you wanted to walk, you're upset that you can't, but I'm right here and it'll be ok". So you acknowledge his feelings, and tell him it'll be ok. But then still walk home, even if he does cry, you don't do anything else, besides talking to him about it.
I don't know why that felt wrong to me, but I know that I couldn't listen to my child cry for 10 minutes without doing something about it. I know it's important for them to be allowed to be in their feelings, but I can't stop thinking that 10 minutes is a long time for a 2 year old. And all my instincts would be on high and I would want to help him. And "just" talking to him would seem like ignoring him, even though it's not really what you're doing. But just the very thought that the 2 year old might feel ignored makes me get a bad feeling.
But I also know that I have a very low "tolerance" for crying, I will want to help them right away.
So, what would you do? And would you be ok with just talking to them and still letting them cry in a situation like that?
(And oh wow, excuse the novel!)
And we don't have a lot of rules, so it's not like he gets "no" a lot. I say yes whenever I can, and I let him do a lot that others probably wouldn't. I give him choices, and try to let him decide a lot for himself (within reason).
But with toddlers being toddlers, and he has a temper, I still get hit a lot. Not every day, but many times a week.
And this really does get to me, I know he's 2, and I know he does not mean anything by it (he's not wanting to hurt me or anything), but I do NOT like to be hit. I'm an abuse survivor, and that's probably why I have strong feelings about it. Sometimes I really have to count to 10 to not react strongly.
What I do right now is that I get down to his level (or pick him up) so we have eye contact, and I tell him that he is not allowed to hit, that hurts me. If he does it repeatedly, I will stop him by holding his hand.
Well, that's what I do most of the time, sometimes if I'm tired or whatever I might just say "ouch!" and "do not hit me".
If he hits other children, I will tell him it hurts them and also help him "make it up" to them by saying sorry for him and show him how to stroke them gently (hold his hand and help him with the gentle touch).
He only hits other kids if they take his toys away from him or ruin something he's playing with, but most often he will actually just take it back while yelling "no, it's mine" or whatever, or pushing them away.
More or less like almost all the other 2 year olds he's around, so I'm not worried about that, it'll pass when he learns better impulse control and to use his words instead and such.
But he has been hitting me for a long time, and what I'm doing does not seem to be working. Or is it just his age? Will it pass? (If so, when?) Or should I do something else?
Ok, the other thing. Me and someone I work with were discussing a situation here, and I had this bad gut feeling when he said how he would handle it. But I'm not sure why. He is a child psychologist, and I usually think he is very wise with his suggestions.
I'm just not 100% sure it's very AP.
So, the situation, imagine a 2 year old who is in daycare. He likes being there and is happy, when his (single) mother picks him up she takes her time and waits for him to be ready to go.
His older siblings go home from school on their own.
2 year old wants to walk home from daycare, but he does not want to walk the right way. He wants to walk exactly where his curiosity takes him, and any attempts to get him to walk in the right direction doesn't work too well, and it takes them forever to get home. And sometimes, that is fine. Other times, they have to get home. When his mother then puts him in the stroller, he will kick and scream and protest, and he doesn't really stop. He will cry basically the whole way home. And although it's only a 10 minute walk, the mother really doesn't like it. She would much rather talk to him, sing songs, look at things they pass, whatever. Have a pleasant walk. And you know, the crying does something to the mother's instincts.
Now, the child psychologist said he would explain the deal to the child "we have to get home because of x and y, so you have to be in your stroller today", lift the child in, and when he cries just tell him something like "I know you wanted to walk, you're upset that you can't, but I'm right here and it'll be ok". So you acknowledge his feelings, and tell him it'll be ok. But then still walk home, even if he does cry, you don't do anything else, besides talking to him about it.
I don't know why that felt wrong to me, but I know that I couldn't listen to my child cry for 10 minutes without doing something about it. I know it's important for them to be allowed to be in their feelings, but I can't stop thinking that 10 minutes is a long time for a 2 year old. And all my instincts would be on high and I would want to help him. And "just" talking to him would seem like ignoring him, even though it's not really what you're doing. But just the very thought that the 2 year old might feel ignored makes me get a bad feeling.
But I also know that I have a very low "tolerance" for crying, I will want to help them right away.
So, what would you do? And would you be ok with just talking to them and still letting them cry in a situation like that?
(And oh wow, excuse the novel!)