Force it or Roll with it?? New sibbling issues - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 06-19-2013, 09:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I just had a baby about 2 weeks ago.  I knew that there would be some regression in my two and a half year old, but for some reason I thought it would be more in terms of needing more help at bed time and wanting to be treated more like a baby.  But it's actually more regression in terms of refusing to get dressed, do diaper changes, hold my hand, etc, etc.  I know that "this too shall pass" and a lot of things will get better as I learn to balance my time a little more to give him more one on one attention.....but what to do in the mean time?

 

Leaving the house is next to impossible since he will refuse to get dressed, even for outings to the playground or something that he really looks forward to.  This is an area that was hard for us a few months ago, but even my tried and true tricks aren't working anymore, and I am just too exhausted to keep my calm as much as I should.  And any time I am stressed, he picks up on it and it causes him to act out more.  So, right now he refuses diaper changes.  He will wear a wet diaper until it falls off because it's too heavy, or even wets through them onto his clothes.  I am tandem nursing him, and he nurses as much as the newborn, so having a "liquid diet" means that he's peeing a TON.  I also try negotiating or timing the diaper changes (so I give him a rundown of First we are going to finish lunch, then diaper, then nurse...or something of the like, and he still won't do it).  So how do I navigate this?

 

Is it going to get better as he and I adjust, or is there something more proactive I can be doing to get out of this funk? How long will this last? Thanks!


     Mommy to DS born 11-10-10  wave.gifAnd DD born 6-3-13 baby.gif  

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#2 of 5 Old 06-19-2013, 10:06 AM
 
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Congratulations on your new addition! I'll be in your shoes soon enough (due in July) but I do have one suggestion about diapering. Have you tried diapering him while he's standing and occupied by something? There were months where that was the only way I could get a diaper on my 2 year old. She's a water fiend and I so hear you on the excessive peeing. I actually had to abandon cloth and use sposies because my most absorbent cloth was oversaturated in an hour. I'll check back since I'm sure the advice you get will be helpful to me as well in time.

In the meantime another thing to consider (though daunting, I know) is to get him started with a potty and let him run around bottomless. Depending on your flooring, mopping up pee here and there may be easier than wrestling him with the diaper around the house.

Ok I'll stop throwing ideas naively out there. I just feel you so much with the heavy wetting, diaper fighting kiddo and soon to be newborn. hug.gif
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#3 of 5 Old 06-21-2013, 07:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yep, standing diaper changes have been happening for about a year now winky.gif  i also don't mind diaper free time, but i set limits about being naked while cuddling in bed or on the couch...mostly because he still has no idea about how to control his pee, and while i don't mind mopping up some pee from the hardwoods or even area rugs, i cant deal with the fabric cleaning right now.  even so, he won't even really go diaper free right now.  I just need to find my calm space and remember how to make it seem fun, or like it's his idea again.  i think it's turned into a control thing for him, since he will want to nurse on the couch, but refuse a diaper...then he gets upset...maybe it will evolve into a potty training adventure...but he doesn't have much interest in it yet.  he also clearly couldn't care less about being wet, so the incentive isn't really there, although he does tell me now when he poops in his diaper. 

 

i do appreciate your response though - at least i know i'm not alone!!thumb.gif

 

i'm thinking that it's my approach that's off and he's just trying to deal....
 


     Mommy to DS born 11-10-10  wave.gifAnd DD born 6-3-13 baby.gif  

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#4 of 5 Old 06-21-2013, 12:27 PM
 
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My two were almost exactly two years apart. Here is what worked for us. At a time when we weren't dealing with crazies, I handed the baby to my DH and did some one-on-one time with my son. We read a few books, and then I showed him a picture of me and my brother when my brother was a baby. I told him who was in the picture, and then I told him about how I felt when my brother was born (we're three years apart)--how my mom always spent time with him, and how he was a really fussy baby. I said that I felt sad, jealous, ignored, etc. Then I showed him a recent picture of me with my brother and said, "And here's a picture of Mama and Uncle A now--see, we're friends. I'm glad I have a baby brother--but I wasn't always glad about it. Sometimes I wished he would disappear and I could have my mom and dad all to myself again." I gave him the pictures to keep and helped him put them in a special place where he could see them regularly. Then we went back to the rest of the family. DS gave the baby a kiss and said, "I will like you when we are growed ups!"

 

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses, but something about giving him permission to NOT LIKE the baby and the words to name his feelings really helped. When things got out of hand later, my DH did something similar about his little sister and it helped again. 

 

Now (8 months in), they love to play together. It takes time, though...really a lot of time.

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Mama to Silas Anansi, born 9/9/10 and Petra Eadaion, born 10/1/12.

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#5 of 5 Old 06-24-2013, 08:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Good idea.  DS is one of those kids that holds in those negative emotions, so on the surface it *seems* like he's handling things well.  Obviously I know this is a hard transition for him, and that it's going to come out in different ways...I guess being proactive about helping him identify with the negative emotions and will help...I think too that not being proactive about it has made the issue worse over time, since he doesn't know how to process it.  It is amazing though, how much it calms him down when I catch him feeling helpless or negative toward DD, and talk him through it - almost as though he feels guilty about having sad feelings about it.  Now just finding the moments to talk it through!! (He doesn't generally like to sit and talk about things when he's in "play mode" but this is something that is important to do anyway...hmm, I wonder if using toys to act this out would work!)
 


     Mommy to DS born 11-10-10  wave.gifAnd DD born 6-3-13 baby.gif  

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