Would you send your 1-year-old on a vacation for a week with your parents but w/out you? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 107 Old 11-20-2013, 12:32 PM
 
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Just to add to my previous reply...

 

Now that she's almost 5, she and her older brother will be spending the whole summer vacation at GP. She CAN'T WAIT! She makes plans with her grandma on the phone. Sure she will miss us. Maybe she'll even cry. But I'm sure she'll make memories that will last for a lifetime. We can't afford to send them over every summer... it's very expensive. It would be much easier (and cheaper) for me to keep them here. But I had amazing childhood experiences at my grandmother's and I love her dearly. I want to give my children the gift of time spend with their grandparents.

 

I can so totally relate to this!! :) So glad you're doing this, I'm sure they will love it there! 

 

Side Note: 

Have you read Ciresarii? http://www.goodreads.com/series/59940-ciresarii or Amintiri din Copilarie? http://ro.wikisource.org/wiki/Amintiri_din_copil%C4%83rie 

 

It's the kind of childhood I had and would really hope for my children to have the chance to have similar experiences, although that may be hard if not impossible. 

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#62 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 07:44 AM
 
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My good Christ why do you care what people choose to do in their families?! You are just stirring up controversy.
Did your parents leave you when you were young? Would you have even remembered if they did?
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#63 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 07:47 AM
 
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I think my generation is WAY WAY too paranoid. I love my kids just like anyone else but I can attach with them and detach when there are other things. I find us to have a fantastic dynamic!
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#64 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 08:37 AM
 
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Attachment Parenting has nothing to do with being "paranoid." Paranoia is the irrational fear that others are talking about you and plotting against you.

Mothering Dot Com is a place to discuss how many of us want to parent in as optimal ways possible.

What difference does it make how my parents parented. They were not attachment parents I was hit as a child, I was left to cry in my crib alone, my own mother never took a minute to reflect on her parenting and only did what was convienient for her. I have put a lot of thought into the way I mother do a lot of research and am trying to mimdfully parent in ways my own mother would never have bothered.

Many of us want to do the best we can and sometimes that means mothering VERY differently than we were parented ourselves.

This thread asks what WE would do in this situation and many parents, including most Attachment Parents msy choose to NOT leave a child this young for this extended period of time.

Paranoia has nothing to do with making choices that many of us feel enhance and promote attachment.
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#65 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 10:56 AM
 
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My good Christ why do you care what people choose to do in their families?!  
 

 

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Mothering Dot Com is a place to discuss how many of us want to parent in as optimal ways possible.
 
This is a bit OT but I do often wonder why my and other's motivations are to talk about this sort of thing. Lilviolet, I think to understand why someone would want to talk about this you only need to try to understand why you may want to talk about why someone would want to talk about this. Sometimes what makes others tick is interesting to us. The OP seemed to me to want to talk about balancing sacrifices we make for attachment and relationships with extended families. We should all be lucky enough to grapple with these issues, I think. 
 
I also think that the the whys of talking online vary for people. Maggie wants to talk about parenting optimally. I think that's the motivation for a lot of members. Being the "best parent I can be" has never been a focus of mine, however. I tend to parent by instinct and then try to see if I can find some confirmation that how I want to parent isn't going to damage my kids. ;-)  
 
One of my favorite signature lines from way back in the day was, "All I have to do is not mess them up for life."  
 
It really is a "takes all kinds" type of community and there are all sorts of conversations that are not in the least bit interesting to me. For some reason the "mommy wars" type threads that get sort of philosophical about how we related to one another have always held my interest and so I participate when I feel like it. 
 
I hope that clears things up. Welcome to MDC!! 
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#66 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 11:00 AM
 
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What's wrong with a thread where people share their perspectives on what they would do and why? Asking what decisions other people would make doesn't have to equate to stirring up controversy. It's pretty much the point of a message board, in fact. 

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#67 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 11:25 AM
 
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I'm always interested in why people do what they do and how they think. Often when do done makes a voice that seems well outside of my comfort zone, I wonder if I'm the weirdo ;-). One good way to find out what other people think is to ask.
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#68 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 04:14 PM
 
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No way. One is too little to be without your mama for a whole week. And I was still nursing mine at that age as well.
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#69 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 04:36 PM
 
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For me personally, I have left a 2.5 year old with grandma for a week, but in our house, while dh and I went away. They had the comforts of each other and their familiar routine. They did not know grandma all that well, but everyone did fine. But I still wouldn't let them away from our home unless grandmas house was like a second home to them - which it isn't. They're 5 and 6 now and I still wouldn't be comfortable. But that's strictly my family.
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#70 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 06:50 PM
 
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Many of us want to do the best we can and sometimes that means mothering VERY differently than we were parented ourselves.
 

I know I said earlier on my main reason was still breastfeeding...but this  :yeah ...that's huge and an entirely different issue from a baby needing the mommy comfort.  I parent different from my parents because I don't love all the things that they did.....the yelling, grounding, spanking, demanding....all the things that didn't sit well with me as a kid and certainly don't as an adult.  I couldn't put my child in a situation where someone else, with very different parenting styles, was in charge of discipline, morale and overall controlling the behavioral outcome of my child.  Both my parents and my IL's are vastly different from me and not until DD is old enough to express her concerns and explain emotions and have a conversation with me about how different people react and parent differently, will she be allowed to travel with anyone but myself and DH.  As it is my FIL watches her 4-5 hours a day while I'm at work part time and I see the effect he has on her and I don't love it at all.  Definitely not paranoid.  Very aware and educated.

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#71 of 107 Old 12-01-2013, 07:55 PM
 
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Yes, I would, if I had to. We brought our kids to their grandparents for almost that long when they were babies so we could go on vacation. My husband's job sent him on a 5 day trip once a year, spouses included. We took advantage of that! They did fine.

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#72 of 107 Old 12-05-2013, 03:07 AM
 
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I remember loving spending time with my grandmother as a small child and on to adulthood. We had a very special relationship. My granddaughter has been shaving sleepovers since she stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. The question I would ask is how well the baby knows his grandparents and how comfortable he is with them. Also the grandparents would have to have a good idea of the baby's routines and personality. No doubt the parents have things all worked out.

One of the problems children face today is that they have lost their place in their extended families through divorce and distance. The extended family was/is a great thing. It helps children know who they are and were they come from. This is healthy for their mental health. At its best it provides lots of love, attention  and belonging. It protects mothers from post natal depression and from domestic violence, and provides free child care. 

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#73 of 107 Old 12-05-2013, 11:23 AM
 
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I remember loving spending time with my grandmother as a small child and on to adulthood. We had a very special relationship. My granddaughter has been shaving sleepovers since she stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. The question I would ask is how well the baby knows his grandparents and how comfortable he is with them. Also the grandparents would have to have a good idea of the baby's routines and personality. No doubt the parents have things all worked out.

One of the problems children face today is that they have lost their place in their extended families through divorce and distance. The extended family was/is a great thing. It helps children know who they are and were they come from. This is healthy for their mental health. At its best it provides lots of love, attention  and belonging. It protects mothers from post natal depression and from domestic violence, and provides free child care. 

 

Thank you so much for this wonderful post!  I could not have said it better. 

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#74 of 107 Old 12-05-2013, 01:01 PM
 
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I remember loving spending time with my grandmother as a small child and on to adulthood. We had a very special relationship. My granddaughter has been shaving sleepovers since she stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. The question I would ask is how well the baby knows his grandparents and how comfortable he is with them. Also the grandparents would have to have a good idea of the baby's routines and personality. No doubt the parents have things all worked out.

One of the problems children face today is that they have lost their place in their extended families through divorce and distance. The extended family was/is a great thing. It helps children know who they are and were they come from. This is healthy for their mental health. At its best it provides lots of love, attention  and belonging. It protects mothers from post natal depression and from domestic violence, and provides free child care. 

I agree with everything you say. However, we are talking about a one year old, and a whole week long. How about spending less time, and a little older, and build up? It isnt one or the other, and i think everyone agrees that a relationship with the grandparents is important. I particularly agree with  your emphasis on the importance of extended family.

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#75 of 107 Old 05-19-2014, 12:07 PM
 
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Would *I* send *my* 1 year old anywhere for a week? Nope. I can see that it might make sense for someone else but I couldn't do it and I think in most cases it would be pretty hard on the 1 year old.


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#76 of 107 Old 05-19-2014, 12:10 PM
 
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Would *I* send *my* 1 year old anywhere for a week? Nope. I can see that it might make sense for someone else but I couldn't do it and I think in most cases it would be pretty hard on the 1 year old.

I cant imagine it not being.

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#77 of 107 Old 05-19-2014, 01:42 PM
 
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Occasionally I go out for drinks after work and don't come home until 7:00 and it's REALLY hard. So, no, I'd never be able to let my one-year-olds go for a couple days, let alone a week! I'd rearrange everything to go to Grandma's house WITH the babies if this were the situation. 

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#78 of 107 Old 05-19-2014, 02:06 PM
 
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I cant imagine it not being.
Well, you just have to open your mind a bit smile.gif

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#79 of 107 Old 05-20-2014, 11:34 AM
 
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No way for us, but I can see how in some cultures there is an extended family that is very involved and that it would be normal. But it sounds way too young and long for me and my little guy.
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#80 of 107 Old 05-20-2014, 11:42 AM
 
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I could do it in a heart beat.  A whole week?  Dh and I haven't been on a date in 10 yrs, so a whole week would fricking fantastic!

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#81 of 107 Old 05-20-2014, 12:11 PM
 
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Well, you just have to open your mind a bit smile.gif

Perhaps you should open yours :-)

 

Sorry, closed minded is one thing i am not.  I just dont think one years olds differ fundamentally across cultures, unless you disagree with the fundamentals of attachment parenting. I mean, you can justify anything with cultural difference if you want. Im just glad i  never had to leave my baby for a week.

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#82 of 107 Old 05-20-2014, 04:37 PM
 
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Perhaps you should open yours :-)

Sorry, closed minded is one thing i am not.  I just dont think one years olds differ fundamentally across cultures, unless you disagree with the fundamentals of attachment parenting. I mean, you can justify anything with cultural difference if you want. Im just glad i  never had to leave my baby for a week.

Good for you!
But you see, some people do, and kids thrive in these situations, as attested by parents and adults who have been left with greatparents as young kids.
I was raised by my grandmother from 6 months until 4 years. As was my sister and my cousins (different parents and sometimes different sets of gradparents).
Also my husband in a different region.

Also my dd stayed with gp for two weeks at 15 mo. Very AP, coslept, nursed until 4 years old and the whole 9 yards.

And I feel very lucky and happy for her that I had the opportunity to leave her with gp.

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#83 of 107 Old 05-20-2014, 04:42 PM
 
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And I'm not the only one who thinks this way, just read this thread. There are people who have left young children with gp, wish they could, or had a positive experience as children.
Just because we are in the minority it doesn't mean that our experience is less valid than yours.

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#84 of 107 Old 05-23-2014, 05:43 AM
 
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Yeah, while it's wonderful to be mama 24/7, it's wonderful to get a break too.  I've yet to have one, I would like to have one and my youngest is 16 months.  I would give my right eye to get a week vacation with my husband.  Just one week without children would be wonderful and helpful for our relationship.  I'm on almost 12 yrs without a break.  It's not doing wonders for my blissful mama mental health.

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#85 of 107 Old 05-25-2014, 09:24 AM
 
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Just dont call i AP. Sorry. Let them bond when they are older...

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#86 of 107 Old 05-25-2014, 09:43 AM
 
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Just dont call i AP. Sorry. Let them bond when they are older...

 

 

You can still call it AP if you want.  You don't get to decide that one. 

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#87 of 107 Old 05-25-2014, 12:10 PM
 
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Just dont call i AP. Sorry. Let them bond when they are older...

 
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You can still call it AP if you want.  You don't get to decide that one. 

I agree with you, Imakcerta, except I would take that thought process even further an say that it is not "AP" to parent with that dogma in mind in the first place.  I think most kids do well with a version of what falls under the category of "AP" but we shouldn't choosing that because of the label. 

 

(ETA: I realize I'm preaching to the choir for some...)  

 

AP is not prescription, at least not the way I view it. AP is meeting and being responsive to our children's needs. I think there is room for family needs to be considered - because we are a complex weave as families. IMO, we can not say "X" is within the bounds of "AP" but "Y" isn't without getting into a very complex value judgement that misses the point of the whole thing.  

 

I don't view this as cultural relativism. To me this is whether we can talk about balance, extended family relationships (and differences!), and etc. and recognize that we all exist on a spectrum. 

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#88 of 107 Old 05-25-2014, 12:39 PM
 
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Our son and his wife just went away for eight days (out of necessity) without their five children, ages 16 months, almost 3, almost 5, 6 and 7.

 

They stayed at our house for five days and nights, and then for the last three days with their other grandparents. The oldest one was the one having the hardest time, even though she really was fine (she is high strung). The baby did excellent! But she did take me for a mom substitute, and didn't want to be held by anybody but me, which was exhausting.

 

So, it depends on the baby, and the circumstances, too.

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#89 of 107 Old 05-25-2014, 08:58 PM
 
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While my husband was away for 7 months, my mom came from 2000 miles away for about 4 months to stay and help out with our 1 year old (at the time).  Once the 7 months were up, my mom flew back with my daughter for 2 weeks on their own and then the last week, my husband and I flew there to spend time there and to bring her back.  She had an amazing time at Gma and Gpa's!  All my family lives near my parents, so she had lots of visitors and lots of people to play with.  On my end, I did feel a little guilty letting her go that long, but I slowly got over it and was able to enjoy my time sans baby. We're planning on doing that again and now she's about 2.5 years old. 

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#90 of 107 Old 05-26-2014, 01:38 PM
 
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  AP is meeting and being responsive to our children's needs.

 

 

 

  Yes,  and i dont think this is a dogmatic interpretation of AP. Is it for you? A child needs a steady caregiver, and at this age, usually his/her mother, especially if they are nursing.  Why not take a rest for a shorter period? Why not wait until the child is older? Why not take the child with you,   and have your grandmother there to help? I never said a child wouldnt thrive in the grandparents care, but when they are older.  I personally would not find leaving my child for week a vacation. There are certain principles involved in attachment parenting. Leaving a  baby for week to take a vacation in the same of 'balance' isnt one of them.  Find balance another way.

 

I just wonder why you want to call it attachment parenting so badly.  Im glad you got your vacation. I wouldn't want that kind of vacation.

I dont get to decide whether your parenting is AP or not. You do. I do  get to decide if something is clearly outside  a common and basic understanding of AP.  Its my opinion.   The person starting this thread asked for it.

 

I dont think leaving a toddler that young is right, and i dont think its attachment parenting, and i feel sorry for that crying baby you left for a week. 

 Im sorry if it hurts your feelings that someone thinks you dont parent with AP in mind.   Im glad your child may have had other positive experiences anyway. Great.

 

This obviously doesnt apply to anyway who unavoidably had to leave their child.

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