Would you send your 1-year-old on a vacation for a week with your parents but w/out you? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 107 Old 05-26-2014, 03:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by contactmaya View Post
 

 

  Yes,  and i dont think this is a dogmatic interpretation of AP. Is it for you? 

It really is just my idea of how we talk about this sort of thing. I think we parent with respect for our kid's needs, and our own and we find balance. It seems to me that a lot of people have found that balance with some absence from their young children that you may consider "not AP". I think it is up to those parents to interpret their own family needs. If they/we/you/I do that and then happen to be parents for whom AP ideas resonate -- that is what it is about to me. 

 

Speaking only for myself, I am not attached to calling anything anyone does "AP". I was speaking in response to saying that what someone does "isn't AP", which is a different thing and something that doesn't make sense from how I look at what AP is. 

 

If it's a set of things first for some people, that's cool too. Just realize that it isn't that way for others -- even some of our gurus. :hippie

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#92 of 107 Old 05-26-2014, 04:32 PM
 
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But I CLW and cosleep and I sah until the kids go to school!
Oh, and I homebirth too!
Do I get my AP badge now? wink1.gif
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#93 of 107 Old 05-26-2014, 04:42 PM
 
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I don't know. Did you babywear?  :p


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#94 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 02:24 PM
 
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 Just because i think that leaving a toddler for a week is putting adult interests ahead of the child, and is an un AP practice because of that, not unlike many other practices that would not qualify as AP, such as cio, doesnt mean this is a competition for who is most ap, or that anyone is claiming to hand out badges. Im not even one for labels. The scarcasm thing is also changing the subject, and has nothing to do with the original question.offtopic.gif  Go to the 'crunchier than thou' thread if  you like that kind of thing.

 

Im glad people here use the typical ap practices most of the time. Leaving a toddler for week is not one of them...

in my opinion. hide.gif

 

So, we dont agree. I wouldnt leave my toddler for a week. I wont change my mind no matter how much sarcasm you hand out, or subtle insults (dogmatic, close minded). Where are the UA guidelines here?  (remember them?)

 

 

This thread has been round for a long time. I remember posting on it 6mths ago. Are there any other threads more interesting than this? It doesnt inspire me that much.

 

MDC is a  bit like that at the moment unfortunately.:2whistle

 

(edited to add lots of smilies because i find them funny, and now im actually having fun)

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#95 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 02:51 PM
 
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I am sorry you feel that I am involved in an "AP" contest, CM. I'm pretty darned crunchy in parenting and have not left my own 1 year old...but I guess I feel it is important to focus on the whole rather than the sum of the parts. FTR, I didn't take exception to anyone on the thread who said that this is not for them or those who felt it was not in the best interest of many children. I had a problem with the comment "just don't call that AP". I will admit that it rubbed me the wrong way.  Part of that is just a defensive feeling towards our fellow mothers who have posted here that they have left their children or wish they could and how it feels to them when we talk about things. Another part of that is an over-sensitivity to the times that I have seen some of the ideas of "AP" to beat up on other mothers. My concern for the image of AP is not directed to you at all and I'm sorry if it came off that way.   

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#96 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 02:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

 
Honestly, even without nursing it seems really really young, and it's during the whole separation anxiety age. On the other hand, I do understand the grandparents wanting to spend time with their little grandson. And I think that grandparent/grandchild relationship is worth nurturing.

What do you think?

That was the original post. And i posted what i think shrug.gif

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#97 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 02:54 PM
 
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As an AP parent who has sometimes needed to leave small children with loving, non-parent caregivers overnight, threads like this make me feel like crap.

It doesn't help, Contactmaya, that you acknowledge a difference between leaving a toddler for vacation and leaving a toddler for some reason you think is more legitimate. A one year-old has no way to distinguish between a week at Grandma's because I'm in surgical recovery from a week at Grandma's because I'm in Vegas. It therefore follows that if Vegas is a terrible thing, my medical needs aren't really better - what you're saying is that it's okay to hurt my kids if I really can't help it.

But - I am a committed and loving parent who chooses caregivers with thought and care. My parents know my kids well, respond to them appropriately and consistently, and love them like crazycakes. I feel okay about sending my kids to their grands when I have to because I know my kids would not be hurt by a week at Grandma's if I was in Vegas.

I've said elsewhere and I'll say again here: in the time I've been active on parenting boards, I've seen what's considered AP become more prescriptive, and therefore less adaptable to meet the needs of children and families who differ even slightly from a narrowly defined standard. As far as I'm concerned, AP is about meeting the actual needs of real people. If it doesn't remain adaptive, it can't become irrelevant fast enough to suit me.
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#98 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 03:06 PM
 
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As an AP parent who has sometimes needed to leave small children with loving, non-parent caregivers overnight, threads like this make me feel like crap.

It doesn't help, Contactmaya, that you acknowledge a difference between leaving a toddler for vacation and leaving a toddler for some reason you think is more legitimate. A one year-old has no way to distinguish between a week at Grandma's because I'm in surgical recovery from a week at Grandma's because I'm in Vegas. It therefore follows that if Vegas is a terrible thing, my medical needs aren't really better - what you're saying is that it's okay to hurt my kids if I really can't help it.

But - I am a committed and loving parent who chooses caregivers with thought and care. My parents know my kids well, respond to them appropriately and consistently, and love them like crazycakes. I feel okay about sending my kids to their grands when I have to because I know my kids would not be hurt by a week at Grandma's if I was in Vegas.

I've said elsewhere and I'll say again here: in the time I've been active on parenting boards, I've seen what's considered AP become more prescriptive, and therefore less adaptable to meet the needs of children and families who differ even slightly from a narrowly defined standard. As far as I'm concerned, AP is about meeting the actual needs of real people. If it doesn't remain adaptive, it can't become irrelevant fast enough to suit me.

The bolded-you couldnt help it.  You were doing the best you could.   Right now, im ignoring my 2yo because im trying to type this. Thats probably not ap in my book either, but im human.

 

Anyway, off to respond to my childrens needs in the best way i can.....

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#99 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 03:45 PM
 
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Did you read any part but the bolded? Because you just basically encapsulated the problem I was describing having.
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#100 of 107 Old 05-27-2014, 07:35 PM
 
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Now seriously Cm, you were the first who mentioned AP dogma in this thread and telling me not to call my parenting AP.
As I said before I can understand people saying leaving a 1 yo is not for them, but from there to claiming that ALL 1yo are crying or traumatized when left with gp, it's quite a stretch. You don't know that. I can assure you my 15 mo didn't cry, even when she traveled 11h by plane with dh (worn in a MeiTai, btw) to her gp. When I joined them two weeks later, I got there in the middle of the night and sleep nursed she didn't even wake up. She most definitely was not traumatized.
As you said, we all try to do right by our kids. One of my priorities is having my dk spend time with gp. A 10 yo won't be so open to bonding with people he/she doesn't know. Their gp might not even be around anymore.
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#101 of 107 Old 05-28-2014, 08:07 AM
 
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Nope, not I!

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#102 of 107 Old 05-28-2014, 12:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post

Did you read any part but the bolded? Because you just basically encapsulated the problem I was describing having.

Thats why i bolded it...i read your whole post. I think you misunderstood me.

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#103 of 107 Old 05-28-2014, 01:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by contactmaya View Post

Thats why i bolded it...i read your whole post. I think you misunderstood me.

I certainly hope I misunderstood you. Otherwise, it looks as though you're being deliberately mean.
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#104 of 107 Old 05-28-2014, 01:38 PM
 
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Honestly, I think we need to give up on the labels and focus on what's best for our children and families. You can claim "But that's what AP is!" til you're blue in the face, but the fact is that there are practices that are considered AP and practices that are not. AP, and that includes this site, pushes extended breastfeeding/child led weaning, cloth diapering, home birthing (natural if you must do hospital), babywearing, bed-sharing, etc and there can be a lot of judgement from others and guilt in yourself if you don't/can't.

 

A lot of people would say that we're not AP because we couldn't breastfeed, not caring about the circumstances. Which probably took a lot of pressure off- we'd already failed to be perfect, so the focus was on doing what was right for us and not what other people said was "right". I've seen people complain about being told off at AP parenting groups for using disposable diapers. At least one person was so dedicated to the idea of "AP" that she babywore even though it was giving her back problems, until she was forced to stop because she'd done real damage. Maybe that's not what you want AP to look like, but it is what much of the culture is.

 

Vacations can be necessary, even with that young a child (some would say especially- some people have a veryhard time with the infant/toddler stages). Different people, different circumstances, different needs. A parent who is stressed out and overwhelmed and needs an extended break to regroup will do a much better job of responding to their child's needs after that "vacation" than if they force themselves not to take one out of a sense of shame. It's very shiny and fluffy to say that parents never, ever need such a break- and it's great that you never have- but it can happen. You can't know everything about a stranger's situation. You can't know if the parent is doing perfectly well, totally healthy, no problems whatsoever, but just can't be bothered with their child so are fobbing them off for a week (and if this is the case, how AP can the parent be to begin with?)- or if the parent is going through a really difficult time and the break will be better for everyone.

 

Our culture as a whole is really dismissive of parents', especially mothers', mental well-being. PPD and Post-partum psychosis are both very real and can have devastating effects. Especially the psychosis, which has led mothers to kill their own children- so you'd think that we'd be putting effort on screening parents for it after birth. Life happens, there are circumstances that can lead a good and loving parent to be in a bad emotional state and need time away from their child, yes even a baby, to get their head on straight. Anyone who thinks that a parent who is emotionally destroyed is as good for the baby as a parent who's in good mental health needs to get a healthy dose of reality. Anyone who thinks that parents pushing themselves to the point of suicide, causing their child to go their entire life without the parent, is better than just a week at grandma and grandpa's needs to get a healthy dose of reality.

 

Self care is about responding to your child's needs and doing what's best for your child, because we do our best jobs as parents when we're at our best physically and emotionally.

 

(unless, of course, you're suggesting that people who are prone to mental health problems don't deserve to be parents, in which case I see no point in having a conversation because it ignores that anyone can be at risk for mental health problems so no one should ever have children)


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#105 of 107 Old 05-28-2014, 02:21 PM
 
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I agree with a lot of what you just said. I do want to say that I think sometimes "AP" people get a bad wrap because of a focus on a snarky minority. I have a family member who I think assumes I judge her - just because of some of the "hippie" "AP" stuff that I do. Over time I know that she will understand that I'm not. And, of course we all know that people practicing "mainstream" parenting can be just as absolute about their ways as the rest of us. 

 

I also wanted to say that some of the most wonderful parents (and most fitting with "AP) I have ever met, literally never read anything or do anything parenting related online. They have never heard of "AP". My own mother would probably find the philosophical focus on parenting to be a self-absorbed indulgence, and, yet, she's was very AP.

 

I also agree that self-care is about responding to our children's needs. I think parent self-care is a great way to show children what empathy is all about. I wanted to touch on mental health in my last post but it seemed too complicated to share. It's another reason I stuck up for parents who chose to be away for "vacation". We really never know why someone needs to re-charge. Maybe they are at their whits-end. Or maybe they're smart enough to know how not to get there. 

 

That's not something I was especially in tune with when my first was young. I've got a bit more balance with my second and, although it's not a week away at a year, it was 4 nights at two (still BFing) and it was an important part, I think, of the wonderful sense of life balance that I have now. 

 

And, MeepyCat, I would not say that those 4 days were worth the "damage". I'd say that my child was fine, good when I was not around because she got to spend time with other people who love to care for her. :love 

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#106 of 107 Old 05-28-2014, 03:27 PM
 
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Exactly. If the child is very much attached to his/her grandparents, and is happy with them, does attachment grandparenting count? :eyesroll

 

I looked after one grandson three half days a week for a year, from the age of eight months. He is 5 1/2 now, and to him our home is still his second home, and he (and his two siblings) are upset if their parents go shopping in our town (their's is too small to have a grocery store) without seeing 'Oma and Papa' as well. They're crazy attached to us!

 

So, if their parents would decide to go away for a few days, they wouldn't bat an eye if left here, even the 1 1/2-year-old.

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#107 of 107 Old 05-31-2014, 07:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
Quote: Originally Posted by contactmaya

Thats why i bolded it...i read your whole post. I think you misunderstood me.


I certainly hope I misunderstood you. Otherwise, it looks as though you're being deliberately mean.
Definitely not trying to be mean. I was trying to say you were doing the best you could, as i was at the moment of typing.

Last edited by contactmaya; 05-31-2014 at 08:35 AM.
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