friends blame child behavior on being at home and not in preschool! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 01-27-2014, 08:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We are planning to home school my very spirited/ strong willed 3 1/2 yr old son. He has a SAH Dad who's a loving probation officer and keeps him pretty wrangled. This weekend was very bad because he's suddenly hit a new stage where he's pushing boundaries hard with me especially when not with Daddy.

 

I know I need to firm up my directions and enforcement and do better. I went to work today and I was asked how I was doing by a friend. Her bias that he shouldn't be at home but in "preschool" and that he should attend school, not home school lead her to imply that if he were in school he'd some how be better behaviorally.

 

So like I'm supposed to just allow strangers to do what I should be doing???? Nice advice to abdicate my responsibility. I feel like if he were in preschool they'd be sending him home anyway. They can't give him 1:1 like my husband can. I'm just so frustrated because I haven't had much success yet finding my tribe in the real community, so I have no real in-person friends who I can talk about this with without the jab at SAH parents or jabs about homeschooling plans. Does anyone else feel this or have suggestions?

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#2 of 10 Old 01-27-2014, 10:21 AM
 
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I think you're doing a great job--you're seeing what is needed for your particular child, and you're providing that, even if it means hard work and growing as a parent.  While you and your husband are raising your son, he is raising you to be the parents that he needs, if that makes sense.  A spirited child will challenge you and stretch you in ways that an average parent with an average child can't understand, and that preschools are not well-equipped to deal with.

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#3 of 10 Old 01-27-2014, 10:30 AM
 
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Your child sounds perfectly fine to me. Toddlers push buttons, test boundaries, throw tantrums... all that stuff because they are TODDLERS. Your friend's suggestion doesn't make sense at all. Keep doing what you're doing.


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#4 of 10 Old 01-27-2014, 10:44 AM
 
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First off :Hug I'm in a similar boat with being the odd woman out in my grouping of friends over just about every decision I've ever made so it can be tough when you disagree with all of their advice.  We went back and forth about me leaving my job when DD was born and I stayed home about 6mos then found part time work to help offset some of the bills (DH works 2 full time jobs).  It's been rough but we get by and more and more we've talked about me going back full time.  Up until now my FIL has watched DD for the 5hrs I'm away M-F, and as nice as that is, I've had MANY issues crop up that have been caused by him and it's been pushing me towards putting DD into a full time pre-school when she's 3 (currently 26mos). 

 

This is what brought me to this decision...

1) FIL used to take her out all the time and walk her around the neighborhood, took her to the nearby park, lots of outside time.....now it's literally 5hrs of tv and it kills me and much of it is stuff I'd rather she not watch.

2) She's had food issues most of her life - dairy being the first one we discovered a sensitivity to, followed by gluten sensitivity and a nasty oat allergy.  He's known this - yet the day she turned 18mos he took her out for ice cream claiming he heard me say 18mos was the age she'd be ok to have dairy so without double checking he did it anyways and she was horribly ill afterwards.  Similar issue more recently he found some cheerios buried in a cabinet, they have oats, long story short I was able to halt the progression of the hives at her thighs with the use of Rescue Remedy and the following day he never batted an eye, didn't apologize, nor ask if she was ok.  All of her reactions are delayed thus because he doesn't "see them" he doesn't always head our dietary advice for her, even if I tell him exactly what to feed her....very frustrating.

3) He's very pushy about doing things for people - DD is VERY independent...painfully at times, but she will fight him tooth and nail over something like cutting her own eggs and I feel like it shouldn't be a battle - just let her cut the damn eggs! But he pushes and she gets very firm in telling him no and I have to step in (this is all before I leave for work) and it was/is a major issue potty training.  She was on her way to being potty trained at 15mos until he stepped in forced her to sit on the potty when she didn't want to, potty phobia ensued....back on track now and has been basically pee trained since her birthday but he again scared her from pooping on the potty so she asks for a diaper.  ::sigh::  We'll get there eventually but it's thing like this that make me think he's holding her back and she would suffer by staying at home vs being out with others.

4) She's incredibly bright and inquisitive and I feel like keeping her home with him is doing her a disservice.  DH was leery when I mentioned she would be going full time at 3, but all things considered I think for her it's the best option.  Not all kids need or should go tot school that young or at all.  I do know people who have pulled their kids from public or private schools to homeschool and then send them back after a while.

 

So the compromise to home schooling that has worked for us is a Montessori/magnet style of learning that focuses on individual ability rather than conforming to a group so she will still get one on one and will be allowed to advance in the areas she wants and will get help in areas she needs. 

 

You have to go with what you feel is best for your child - if that's not what others would do, well it's not their decision to make.  Only you know your LO best and only you can chose what will work best.  Don't sweat it!  I've found more recently the more open I am about my decisions and the more I embrace them and am confident in myself for making them, people either walk away (and that's fine) or new people who've been waiting in the wings have stepped forward and are filling the gaps and hopefully it will lead to new friendships that can fill the real life gap!

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#5 of 10 Old 01-28-2014, 03:20 PM
 
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Here's the thing - a boy of that age who has a hard time with sitting still for extended periods, has a high activity level, or plays a bit "rough" will have a miserable time in many preschools, because they will have no patience with that kind of behavior.  He will always be in trouble, even though it is pretty normal boy stuff and doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.  Most preschools - and I know there are exceptions - expect kids at this age to be able to have "school" behavior, at least to an extent.

 

I say this as a mom who sent both mine to part time preschool, so I'm certainly not against it.  I just have seen my kids' classrooms and the expectations of the teachers, and it honestly looks like a pretty miserable place for an active, still maturing boy.  I have two girls who both did fine, and honestly preschool was more about a break for me than about them "needing" it.  I don't agree that kids need preschool, and I doubt your child's behavior would magically transform if you send him.  

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#6 of 10 Old 01-29-2014, 08:17 AM
 
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That all sounds like normal 3 yo behavior to me. I'll be honest...3 is hell! I have the hardest time with my kids during that year. Pushing boundaries is developmentally normal for any 3 yo. A little more structure and engaging him in activities (craft, sensory stuff, art, whatever) might help but that can easily be done at home. You could also have him do some outside activities that don't necessarily involve all day preschool. My 3 yo does gymnastics once a week, we may have her do soccer or something too IF she wants to. You know what is best for your kid, no one else can tell you that, including well-meaning work friends. I think sometimes people also tell others that they have to do something because it is what they chose and they want to justify their own choices. Could that be the case here?

 

It is really sad how SAH parents get such a bad rap these days. Kids were at home for generations before there was ever such a thing as preschool and the majority grew up into responsible well adjusted adults. Why all of the sudden people think we are no longer capable of caring for our own children all day is beyond me.


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#7 of 10 Old 02-01-2014, 11:28 AM
 
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I have to agree with what everyone else has said here. On top of that a child's needs and behavior are individual to THAT child and not just based on home vs. school and such. I have three and each one of them have their own behavior and needs. My oldest has thrived with being at home and even with the current public school she's ok but would rather be home and I feel she will do better so we'll probably go back to homeschool next year for her. My son though has thrived in public and will likely stay even if I bring dd back home. My little one (currently almost 3) is my high needs, spirited child and has been since birth. That's just her and has nothing to do with whether or not she's home or in school. The preschool, public school, home school debate has never made a difference in the needs and "spirit" of my kids and each one has a different demeanor and learning style with its own needs. Follow what you feel is best for your child. If you want to try something and see how it works do it but don't feel trapped to any one decision as things/needs change. YOU know your child better than anyone else so don't let them get to you. 


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#8 of 10 Old 02-01-2014, 07:49 PM
 
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You do what you feel best for your son! We debated homeschooling vs school and decided we would evaluate the situation at the beginning of each school year.
However those who are saying preschool is bad or they won't have patience for your child is ridiculous IMO. If you pick the right school,( research, visits ) you can find the right fit! Let's not make a general assumption about all preschools.
I don't think his behavior has to do with him not going to school. He's a three year d wild boy, sounds normal to me! Many kids never even go to preschool so your co-workers comment gas no validity.

DH 31; Me 30; DD 5; DS 1; Baby due Dec 17th
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#9 of 10 Old 02-06-2014, 06:30 AM
 
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I shall play the devil's advocate here and say that children often learn to behave more easily when part of a group. They like to join in and do things together. They want to please the teacher.  They learn from each other. A parent is different and they do know all the buttons to press and can anticipate your reaction!  I have seen boisterous and really challenging children settle down quickly at preschool and kindergarten. It is amazing how different they can be at home and at school, even at three years of age. Whatever path you choose, I hope things improve soon.

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#10 of 10 Old 02-06-2014, 10:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyMama19 View Post
 

That all sounds like normal 3 yo behavior to me. I'll be honest...3 is hell! I have the hardest time with my kids during that year. Pushing boundaries is developmentally normal for any 3 yo. A little more structure and engaging him in activities (craft, sensory stuff, art, whatever) might help but that can easily be done at home.

 

This.  He just turned four and life is already better for everyone.  It seemed the shift happened about two weeks before his third birthday and shifted back about two weeks after his fourth birthday.  I'm not saying it's going to be the same for you or that I have some perfectly-behaved child, but three really was a horrible year, if I'm honest.  We had a couple of unusual, life-altering occurrences that year, which didn't help, but still! 

 

Originally Posted by GrannyH View Post
 

I shall play the devil's advocate here and say that children often learn to behave more easily when part of a group. They like to join in and do things together. They want to please the teacher.  They learn from each other. A parent is different and they do know all the buttons to press and can anticipate your reaction!  I have seen boisterous and really challenging children settle down quickly at preschool and kindergarten. It is amazing how different they can be at home and at school, even at three years of age. Whatever path you choose, I hope things improve soon.

 

I actually agree with a lot of the above. 

 

OP ~ I don't think it means you have to put your child in preschool or that preschool is better for your child than you are.  You know your child and you know what would be best for your child.  I also don't think putting your child in preschool means you are not doing your job as a parent. 

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