It's been awhile since I posted here, but I've returned because I don't know what else to do and maybe it's me that's doing something wrong.
I should start by saying that I love my daughter, she's funny, very smart and has a very vivid imagination. She has been ultra high needs forever, every stage has had it's difficulty and she's very very attached to me. There are a few things right now that I'm not sure how to handle and if I should be concerned.
My daughter won't listen to me and is extremely defiant. I have to say something 20 times and she can see that the behaviour is clearly bothering me, but she won't stop until I lose it and scream. It can be things like climbing all over me, grabbing something she's not supposed to, like the egg I needed for dinner and kept asking her to leave it where it was until we needed to use it, it ended being dropped onto e floor, or things like pulling my hair, kicking me.
When I end up getting mad because I've repeated something so many times and raise my voice. She will start saying "you hate me? You hate me! You really hate me". I repeat about 20 times that I don't hate her, but she will continue to say it. We never use the word hate towards anybody so I don't know why she says this. I've talked about not using such a strong word and how it makes me feel when she says I hate her or she hates me and she's promised not to, but the promise doesn't last a day. It's something I hear every time im explaining we can't do something or why something is not ok or if I lose my temper and yell. And I hate yelling! Haha
She gets really really upset when things don't go her way or we tell her something she doesn't like. She'll run upstairs to her room crying snd you'll find her saying things like "I will never love you again mama and I Willi run away and kill myself". I mean is it normal for a child that's not even 5 to say things like these? I always feel like the whole dramatic spectacle is extremely manipulative, but I'm also concerned. She seems to obsessed with death, when I say no to something, it always goes to, but if I don't X, I'll die.
I feel like I've tried the gentle, let's talk and hug and reassure and understand and also the more authoritative approach, but there's been no progress. I know she understands and she's said that she just gets so mad that she says things like that and can't help herself to say she'll kill herself and run away of hates me or say things like you're stupid and I don't like you. I try to get her to use other ways to express her anger and make her understand that I know how she feels, but that those things hurt me a lot. I've tried books, I've tried letting her know she can go and take a moment to herself. She definitely has a very strong temper and me and DH are just so mellow, it's hard for us to balance the responding in a kind loving way and feeling like she's walking all over us.
End rant. Thanks in advance for any input.
My oldest son is like this sometimes with the impassioned and crazy dramatics. It has improved a lot over the last couple years, he's almost 8 now and still gets passionate and irrational sometimes, but it's more rare and he knows how he's supposed to handle it. Also it sounds like your daughter wants to test how far your love and patience for her goes. I make my son take a timeout near me when he's getting too worked up, tell him he needs to stop talking and doing things because he doesn't have control over himself right now. He is not allowed to leave or discuss it more until he regains self control, because I just know he's going to tear his room apart and also because he needs to know I want him around. I'll make sure he knows he isn't getting anything he throws a fit about and the tantrum needs to be over and then we'll work out the solution.
My best method has also been to explain that once the screaming stops, she can talk to me. She's never really messed up her room, but I don't send her there. She goes on her own anti allow it, because I feel like that's her way of calming herself. After a minute or two I got all to her. It's important for me to reinforce my love for her and I try to clarify that when I get upset, it's at the behavior and not her. I just wish this was a long lasting remedy. I've considered seeing a child therapist because I've never seen any kid be so extreme. Since she was a baby, DH and I would joke and call her between us the bipolar baby.
I feel like she has an awareness beyond her years and knows how to use words to make you feel like the best person in the world or also make you want to go kill yourself. She's extremely smart and it makes resolving conflict so much more difficult. I do feel like intellectually she's very advanced, but emotionally she's just coming out of her terrible 2s.
Sometimes there can be a food sensitivity or deficiency making moods worse, if you don't already supplement or give foods high in omega 3 and certain vitamins and minerals you might try that. And try some time without certain common problem foods and then a deliberate reintroduction, like try Whole30 as a family. I know I find my middle son's behavior and energy gets bad on too much grains. But like I said, for some, like my oldest, it's a strong personality thing and they learn self-control over time. And for a few it could be brain chemical imbalances, but honestly I don't think the OP's daughter sounds like that.
It sounds like when she says these dramatic things, you kick in to reassurance over-drive and she has successfully diverted your attention from whatever set you off. Say something once and mean it. Remove her if she won't comply because she's clearly after pushing your buttons. If she won't stop messing with the eggs, why is she still in the kitchen? When the dramatics start, go on with your consequence and ignore the drama. She will probably up her game because it's worked so far, but you can not feed the drama monster.
At least you know she's smart ;-)
NiteNicole what you say makes perfect sense. I tend to be too nice and nurturing and I think she's now using her antics simply to get attention, which I always end up giving to he.
I think it's worse because we recently moved in with DH's grandmother who has really bad RA and a bit of dementia. She was living alone and we volunteered to be here because it was starting to get kinda bad, she's extremely needy and can pretty much not be left alone. My DD does not warm up easily to people and I feel like she's jealous that another person is consuming so much of my time and gets so much attention. There's a weird dynamic going on, that I'm hoping normalizes soon. It doesn't help that I'm constantly stressed out.