Tired of Missing Play Dates & Inconsistency. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 02-18-2014, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tomorrow marks our 7th play date in a row that we can't attend due to some chaos that can only be resolved by time. I'm soo tired of being the Mom who writes the email saying " Sorry we will not be able to come because....". And I'm really tired of getting the sympathy email- though very thoughtful.

Is anyone else in a similar situation?

I've been here for over 2years due to my son's battle with systemic candida and digestive problems. So sorry if this sounds like a pity party, I feel burnt out trying to arrange meetings with other moms, friends or family only to cancel or have it rarely work out. The best part is the guilt trips and questions searching for explanations I get from family, friends, and our religious community. Like I could try harder or that it is a choice. My husband, I found out recently, thought I had no friends and he is dissatisfied with our son's lacking social life.

The play dates in the group I'm apart of (sort of) vary in time and one per week. Everyone takes a turn hosting, but I can't because currently we have to live with my in laws who feel weird about guest even though they say different and the house is a toddler hazard zone- the sharp edge furniture, unable to baby gate the stairs, etc.

The BEST part, is the reason i had to cancel tomorrow's play date. (A little background to understand) My son had a reaction to some food Sunday that made him very ill. His bowel movements, naps, and day/night schedule are totally off routine. I decided to take him to a nearby kid's zone with tunnels and a slide to get him out a short time. Suddenly he needed the potty....didn't want to use the restroom.... screamed until verge of throwing up about going into the car seat because he needs the potty......40min of screaming, soothing and negotiating later
We sat in our small kia car... he upon his toddler potty, I had in stored the trunk, for an hour.... in the parking lot.
(More back ground- this happened once before. I forced him in his car seat to quickly go home. after that my son refused and screamed about going even out side for 6 days.)


He didn't end up having a bm. So going any where tomorrow especially far away to some one house I am fearful.
Rereading my post it may sound like a lack of empathy for my son, i am just exasperated with the inconsistency and curve balls this situation has thrown. I get concerned for my son's social wellness a lot and miss people myself and not sure what to do any more. He goes to the child care at the gym randomly, that's it. I think my son is amazing and has been heroic in his battle for health and facing fears.

I would REALLY like to hear other people's story. How are you coping and over coming things, how are you feeling?

Hugs,
Kacy a.k.a JavaMom
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#2 of 16 Old 02-19-2014, 10:41 AM
 
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Is it just because of the tummy issues that you don't want to take him out because you might have to leave to get him on a potty?  Guess I'm just looking for clarifications here.  My DD has food allergies/sensitivities so I can get the part where it's hard going out - we bring food everywhere, read labels (for her it's dairy and oats as the biggies, then gluten and soy also bother her) and sometimes she doesn't understand why she can't eat what the other kids are eating, but she's only 2 and I can only explain so much to her right now.

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#3 of 16 Old 02-19-2014, 11:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Partially it is because of the potty issue. I mentioned his whole internal schedule gets off balance, and that affects his mood. We are also dealing with night terrors as a result of that. Some days I admit I'm selfish and give in to tired and just don't want to go anywhere. We on average, not always of course, it's about 20 min of food prep just to go out for a short trip to the store...

What happens to your daughter if she eats those things? Is it expected that she may grow out of it? Those ingredients are in a lot of things! Do you cook a lot or have you found suitable products to buy?


(I changed the title I thought it was more direct.)
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#4 of 16 Old 02-19-2014, 07:45 PM
 
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The oats she's allergic to and will break out in hives...unfortunately it's a slow reaction time so about 4-5hours after eating them to start getting hives...fortunately I can give her rescue remedy and it will stop the hives from spreading.  Dairy causes her stomach issues - diarrhea, and possibly vomiting, plus once in her system she gets rashes from it.  The other two cause her to be agitated and moody and her tantrums go from normal toddler upset to epic screaming to the point of near passing out.  She could outgrow it if we heal her gut properly.  She does take probiotics and I do more to speed things along with various supplements, but it's not too hard to stick to at this point.  She's been dairy free from about 12weeks when I eliminated it from my diet while breastfeeding.  Oats we discovered at 6mos when introducing solids, and the other two our naturopath tested her for at 22mos.  I try no to sub too much because the substitutes aren't always healthier.  Occasionally we buy gluten free bread and vegan cheese for certain meals, but overall we've just avoided processed things and cook at home.  If we go out, she can salads, beans, burgers without the bun...she's a very adventurous eater and it helps that she loves veggies so there are always options.  When I search recipes I look for paleo options so they are automatically gluten, dairy and soy free - makes it easier.

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#5 of 16 Old 02-20-2014, 11:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Has your naturopath mentioned bone broth for healing her gut? I have been making it for my son for months and it has done wonders. It is so rich in calcium and minerals. He can not have any sort of diary either.
It is incredible what you have gone through with your daughter. That's encouraging she's likes to try new things and is doing well on the Paleo.
My son was put on is on a strict candida diet by our Naturopath. Basically meat & fish, green veggies only, lemons, and unsweetened coconut shreds. Snacks are a bit tricky, and i have to limit the portions or his stomach will get upset even though it is healthy stuff. For example spinach "chips", and unsweetened coconut shreds. Dessert or a special treat is seaweed sweetened with a stevia or lemonade with stevia. Once a month we can do oat bran or buckwheat.

~Question for you ~
My son sometimes get very moody and extremely sensitive until he has his BM.
Does your daughter do this too?
It sounds like our children are similar in some ways.
This is another aspect that my son goes through (and we miss play dates because of), but I haven't heard of other children doing this. To clarify its not constipation or a food reaction. I thought maybe not enough oils in his diet, so I started giving him coconut oil. This helped a lot. But lately it started happening again. The pediatrician did not have helpful information.
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#6 of 16 Old 02-21-2014, 08:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Has your naturopath mentioned bone broth for healing her gut? I have been making it for my son for months and it has done wonders. It is so rich in calcium and minerals. He can not have any sort of diary either.
It is incredible what you have gone through with your daughter. That's encouraging she's likes to try new things and is doing well on the Paleo.
My son was put on is on a strict candida diet by our Naturopath. Basically meat & fish, green veggies only, lemons, and unsweetened coconut shreds. Snacks are a bit tricky, and i have to limit the portions or his stomach will get upset even though it is healthy stuff. For example spinach "chips", and unsweetened coconut shreds. Dessert or a special treat is seaweed sweetened with a stevia or lemonade with stevia. Once a month we can do oat bran or buckwheat.

~Question for you ~
My son sometimes get very moody and extremely sensitive until she has her BM?
Does your daughter do this too?
It sounds like our children are similar in some ways.
This is another aspect that my son goes through (and we miss play dates because of), but I haven't heard of other children doing this. To clarify its not constipation or a food reaction. I thought maybe not enough oils in his diet, so I started giving him coconut oil. This helped a lot. But lately it started happening again.
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#7 of 16 Old 02-21-2014, 08:44 AM
 
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She did talk to us about bone broth and I do have a TON in the freezer, chicken, and it's just a matter of pulling it out :p  I do freeze most of it in silicon ice trays then pop out into freezer bags so It's small serving sizes, I just have to get in the habit of using it for something other than cooking!  I do want to whip up a beef batch as well.  You def have more restrictions, kudos to you!  We do lots of fruit and honey for sweetening but no processed sugars. 

 

I haven't noticed her being more moody pre-BM, but I can tell if my FIL has fed her something without reading labels (like at his house or if he takes her out) because her tolerance to things drops and she's definitely more sensitive to melting down at that point.  Unfortunately DH doesn't always recognize this as a food thing - just calls it being a toddler, but I notice a very stark difference in her behavior.  He and his father have a hard time putting two and two together because it takes a bit of time after eating something for the effects to be noticeable - even the oat allergy takes like 5 hours for the first hives to appear.

 

The only issue we have right now with BM's is along the potty training front - she's been "pee trained" since her 2nd birthday in November, but FIL was too insistent about using the potty to poop so she rejected it (after using it for a week just fine) and only poops in diapers, and she holds it until she's ready to burst.  Not constipated, does go every day, but it's always a rush of "mommy, I need diaper, hurry!".  So it would be hard to say if she was acting differently because she had to go or because there was an issue...maybe I'll see some changes once we get over this hump.

 

We also do coconut oil and I've been looking into getting her and I on a cod liver oil as well.  Part of her GI issues I'm almost certain stem from the penicillin I was on while in labor (GBS positive and against my better judgment, I agreed to IV antibiotics.  I know they've been putting me through hell and it's been 2 years!  Thus why I'm hopeful we can kick this if I just get my butt in gear and stick to a gut healing diet and I'm pretty sure I need to work out some candida issues as well - but that affects me differently ...less GI issue more skin issues. 

 

We're due for another ND visit (well I am, DD just had her 2yr check a few mos ago) but I think as they grow they change so much that it's hard to keep up with a routine that works.  We certainly do have similar issues and it's sad how people seem to look down on kids like this as having "problems" but I feel like it's more common than many people realize, they just haven't take the steps we have to try and get to the bottom of it and correct the underlying issues!

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#8 of 16 Old 02-21-2014, 08:51 AM
 
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If your reasons are that he's being emotional and upset, are you sure he'd continue to be that way once you're out/at a friend's? When my son is being snitty or whiny or tantrummy, often our best solution is to go out. I know not every kid is like this and some are the opposite, but mine seems to behave better/ be less emotional when we're not at home. Just wondering if you've ever tried just going even when he's being difficult?


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#9 of 16 Old 02-25-2014, 02:27 AM
 
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In my honest opinion I think your reasons for canceling the playmates are kind of silly. I'm not trying to offend at all. I think
If you are really worried about his socialization you need to just go despite disruptions on sleep and schedule! That is always going to happen with kids so you have to live life around it and continue routines despite, I know it's hard trust me but if he gets some more consistency when it comes to playing with others etc I think it will all work itself out.

DH 31; Me 30; DD 5; DS 1; Baby due Dec 17th
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#10 of 16 Old 02-25-2014, 08:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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@Sassyfirechick

Thanks for the feedback, nice to confer to get a better idea of what is usual. What benefit does cod liver oil provide? How do you sweeten your food with fruit? It sounds good. I started using pure stevia plant extract. My son can have it because the body processes it like a protein, so candida doesn't feed on it.

That is impressive your daughter is already pee trained. Hopefully she'll feel comfortable again soon with the other half of things and continue with her progress soon.
Potty training is such a sensitive process. During painful potty times for my son i have relied heavily on Curious George YouTubes or blowing bubbles or reading books and cuddling in hopes of keeping the experience positive. The bubble are fun for us both lol.

Whenever you decide to begin the candida elimination if you need any tips, I've learned some helpful things through my son's experience that make the process easier.Though, it sounds like you have a good ND to help.
I need to do a candida cleanse too. Like my son, I have systemic candida. I found out about six months ago I've had it since childhood. It was actually a relief to know lol because it explained so much(i.e. as a child the weird brain fog, prone to nose bleeds, always getting bladder or kidney infections).
My previous naturopath stopped the cleanse when i became pregnant. The ogbyn and midwives said it would not affect the fetus. Our current naturopath said it is possible that my son became infected in the womb. Hard to know with the lack of research but it makes a lot of sense that it would affect in the womb.


Totally agree that the issues our children face is probably more common than not. It is interesting how many people expect to see cause and affect, meaning with food, right away. On the up side our kids are eating more healthy because of it=). Admiring your patience with your FIL and husband. I think it takes others a little more time to recognize underlying causes. After over a year my husband just recently started being supportive with the alternative diet. My FIL is now on board too. It took my son getting very ill from an apple he was given, but there have been no questions ever since. He felt really badly, I don't think he understands how a person can not have fruit.
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#11 of 16 Old 02-25-2014, 08:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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@ P.J.

It is a good aspect to remember that kids sometimes just need a change of environment or to be around someone else for a while. When my son was younger I tried that with failed results, but as he has grown and we communicate a bit it has made it a little easier to distinguish toddler frustration or if more attention if needed like digestive issues, tiredness or needing the bathroom.
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#12 of 16 Old 02-25-2014, 09:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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@ apeydef

No offense taken- Everybody has their own way of handling things and each child is different. For my son, when I am responsive to his needs, like when he pulls at his stomach and says "oouwwie", he is more confident in social situations. Before I understood his "warning signs" I was unknowingly taking him to social situations when he was in pain, or exhausted though he seemed fine, which made it a negative experience for him and started getting anxiety in social situations. But that is my son.
Does your child have some issues (digestive, or something else)? It sounds like your approach is to just go on with the plans, if that's right and if your child has some particular needs, how do you handle that while out of the house?
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#13 of 16 Old 02-25-2014, 09:27 AM
 
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My younger child had food allergies but it has not effected social situations! So I guess I can't really relate.... I usually just bring snacks along that he can have and I still bf.

DH 31; Me 30; DD 5; DS 1; Baby due Dec 17th
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#14 of 16 Old 02-26-2014, 08:12 PM
 
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I agree with you that your DS's health and stomach issues have to be dealt with and taken into consideration....however the only way to get kids acclimated to going out in public and being around others is to actually get them out in public and be around others. There comes a time when you have just have to get out regardless of a toddler's moodiness or tantrums, especially if you have other children that need tending too and have places to go. I would be afraid he would have an even more difficult time to adjusting to social situations later if you don't start now. Disruptions in schedule are simply a part of life and it is something that he is going to need to learn to handle at some point. What if you have to travel for a family emergency (or just want to?) What if you get ill and someone else has to care for him that day? What if a new sibling comes along? I am also a bit confused about the situation you had at the kid's zone. Why would he refuse to use the potty there? Why did he insist on his potty? Is it a fear thing? A control thing? That seems more of a behavioral issue rather than a health/gut issue but perhaps you can clarify if I'm wrong? If it is behavioral it would definitely need to be approached that way rather than as a health issue.

 

The only other suggestion I have would be to start small. Get out of the house twice a week, even if it is only a walk down he street. No matter what. Even if you just make it one block and have to turn around due to health or fussiness that is ok. He will at least get used to getting out. As he can handle more and you figure out what strategies work for him, try the park down the street, the local library, a quick trip to the post office, ect. That way you aren't having to prepare for big long outings and worrying about the potty, food ect, but you are still getting a change in routine and he gets to interact with others, even if it's just the local barista at the coffee shop. After awhile you will hopefully be able to identify coping strategies, situations to avoid, and still mix things up a little to get him used to that.


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#15 of 16 Old 02-26-2014, 08:15 PM
 
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Thx crunchy these ideas were some of what I was thinking but I think i might have come across as a bit harsh but it wasn't my intention! Well said.

DH 31; Me 30; DD 5; DS 1; Baby due Dec 17th
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#16 of 16 Old 02-27-2014, 06:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone, all the suggestions, relatable stories, and time used to share what you do in your own unique situation. It has been helpful and reassuring. I've been comparing and access what I can improve on in this situation, so thanks for all the input. There are areas I will try some different methods with my son, one for example is trying harder with a regular A.M. wake up time, unless it's been a super rough night. I know that would I improve our consistency to a degree.

@ apeydef / P.J.
Maybe I have partially and subtly gotten into a defeatist attitude about all this, and sometimes it's simpler than it seems, like how I think you were trying to point out. So getting the feedback has been a good wake up call. smile.gif


@CrunchyMama19

Thanks for the questions to think about, good variety of situations to consider and be inspired to make changes where possible. Sorry if there was a miscommunication of the social situation. To clarify we do get out of the house, like the play ground (though it's rare see other kids there), store, walks, we are trying to make it to the gym at least 2 times a week. Thanks for more ideas about getting out more though. I have worked really hard to aid him through him shyness and he is starting to adapt well. This last week he started opting to go in to the child watch at the store, so that is a plus. My frustration is being able to very rarely attend prearranged meetings such as play dates, going to visit family/friends, our religious gatherings, etc.
If it's a rough night and he sleeps in or he is having digestive issues in the morning or because of the rough night I couldn't get all the food prep done for his special diet, we lose the opportunity to leave the house before lunch time/nap. Afternoon, if he hasn't had a bm i try stay close to home until he does because, and also to answer your question about the potty, he seems to be intimidated by the public toilets or having a bm in an unfamiliar place. He is a little over 2 years old so I have been partially attributing that to his age and also the physical issues he's had. Getting him use to normal size toilet with his toddler seat I suppose would be a good step.

When he is having digestive issues the moodiness is similar to when a child feels sick; mood swings, not social, overwhelmed easily, clingy, and usually sleepy.

As I mentioned above, I realize somethings to improve on. Anymore suggestions are appreciated, and thanks so much to everyone for those already shared.
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