Can you recommend some books? Needy, life sucking toddler. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 2Likes
  • 2 Post By MLog
  • 3 Post By KKsMomma
  • 2 Post By KKsMomma
  • 1 Post By daniellebluetoo
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 15 Old 05-04-2014, 07:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
Thing1Thing2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

DS is 2.5. He's been a screamer since he was born. He still doesn't sleep through the night, waking me up a few times a night SCREAMING. Last night he was screaming at 3am because I moved to the other side of the bed with my 5 year old in between us. He has to have everyone in the bed exactly positioned the way he wants. Usually him in the middle. He will scream if anybody wants to do anything differently. I moved because he was pushing me off the bed.

 

Not only that, but he screams at anything he doesn't like. Tonight, he screamed for 10 minutes because his brother wouldn't play the music he wanted. When DS1 finally put on the requested music, he screamed for another 10 minutes because DS1 didn't sit by him and listen to it with him.

 

When he asks for food, or a cup of water or anything, really, if you don't have it to him in a snap, hes screaming his head off. I explain that I'm making it for him and he doesn't seem to care. And all heck breaks loose if he's waiting and you say "it's hot, I have to cool it off".

 

Needless to say, I've had to try really hard to relate to him. When he was younger, I tried to play with him and he would just destroy everything. Not like a typical toddler, but he wasn't even interested in what I was showing him. If it was a book, he would rip the page out. If it was a puzzle he would throw and scatter the pieces all over. If it was paint, well forget it - everything covered. It seemed his only interest was tearing things apart. He's grown from that - a little - but I still have to watch him with everything. If his brother is taking a bath, he grabs any and all toys he can find and starts throwing them into the bath. That is one of so many instances where I'm completely stressed out because he has to be watched every single second.

 

He is just learning to communicate - he was a bit delayed, but many times he busts out screaming because I'm not understanding what he is saying and asked him "what?" one time.

 

My first was nothing like this. I have no idea how to handle a child like this who is always demanding and destroying and screaming at me. Im at the end of my rope. If anyone can suggest a book or two to help me, that would be great.


familybed2.gif Wife to dh_malesling.GIF -  Mama to kid.gif DS 6/08 and DS babyboy.gif 9/11  homebirth.jpg

A tad socially awkward redface.gif

Thing1Thing2 is offline  
#2 of 15 Old 05-04-2014, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
Thing1Thing2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I'll also take some advice if anyone can help.


familybed2.gif Wife to dh_malesling.GIF -  Mama to kid.gif DS 6/08 and DS babyboy.gif 9/11  homebirth.jpg

A tad socially awkward redface.gif

Thing1Thing2 is offline  
#3 of 15 Old 05-04-2014, 08:21 PM
 
MLog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 267
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hugs to you. I don't have any advice or book recommendations but I know how frustrated I get with just the normal amount of two year old whining/crying/screaming. It must be so tough for you.

Have you tried to see if there are specific patterns or correlations? I know some kids that have major behavioral changes due to things like red food dye and sugar.

My solution to just about everything is to go outside. My DS is always much happier outside. I hope that other mamas will have better suggestions for you!
MLog is offline  
#4 of 15 Old 05-04-2014, 10:31 PM
 
KKsMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Hey, my oldest is 2.5 and probably no coincidence that he acts in a very similar way. I think a lot of it is his temperament. He just started screaming about things much more in the past 2 weeks and I think it is something developmental - wanting but not wanting something, hard to change your mind, things and people just aren't cooperating with your ambivalent and impossible wishes, etc. I know it's like "geez, kid, your requests are not only unintelligible but also impossible!" He says "I want a hug-a, no I don't want a hug-a . . . I want a hug-a . . ." ending in screaming and kicking his legs. I think that once they can reliably ask for something specific, its just going to be really frustrating.

 

I notice that when I ask clarifying questions, he gets totally livid. Or if I try to tell him the word for his feeling . . . oh man. It's much worse after the nap. I just hold him then while he yells about whatever it is and I don't say anything during that time, if I can help it. I'm working on how to respond, too, and without shaming. Sometimes I tell him how his behavior impacts me or show by acting out another way of communicating a need, when he can listen, and I try not to go on an on. Funny, I have been looking for a magic book, too.

 

I really suggest putting him on a different sleeping surface so it can be "just so" without you needing to hold impossibly still or anticipate impossible needs. The other night I explained this to my son, who wanted to "snuggle and sleep in mama's bed" because he was afraid of a shadow in his room. As soon as I moved, like even a tiny tiny bit, he would start whining and crying. I told him "Mama moves around a night because (insert actual reason - mine was because I have to nurse the baby and flip around to switch sides) and that really bugs you. In your bed, no one moves around and bugs you, which is so nice." If you get him on a different sleeping surface, you might feel less resentful about this. BTDT because I slept with my little monster until he was 2 and he was so particular.

 

I think also that even though it is hard now, he may end up a really cool kid. My husband was the same way as a toddler and now he is really driven, creative, inventive, and capable, and of course still opinionated, with strong feelings, and a little "fussy." HTH, and big hugs to you. It sucks when they are screaming at you.

KKsMomma is offline  
#5 of 15 Old 05-05-2014, 06:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
Thing1Thing2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Thanks for the replies. MLog, food triggers would have been my first guess too- we have alot of food allergies. But we are completely sugar, artificial colorings flavorings, preservatives, dairy, corn, gluten and soy free. Unless he has another sensitivity that I don't know of, which would stink big time bc his diet is already so limited.

 

I will try to get him out more often. We live in an apartment building so it's harder, but if it helps him - I'll go for it! Maybe it will tire him out and he wont have the energy to scream!

 

KKsMomma what you described sounds exactly like DS. Wanting me to do the impossible every day! Screaming because I'm asking a question. All of it. Maybe it is developmental, or at least I hope its developmental! I like the idea of holding him and just being quiet, but 9 times out of 10 that makes him scream and kick even more :(  I can't understand how a 2.5 year old who has been attachment parented since birth could have so much anger pent up in that little body!

 

He has his own bed, and I tried getting him into it but it turned into a "crying it out" session and I can't handle that either right now. I'm not good with confrontation. But changing the sleeping arrangements with my 5 year old might just work. Maybe the 5 year old will sleep in his own bed, giving me more room in the bed with my 2 year old and making it so I don't have to be so careful at night.


familybed2.gif Wife to dh_malesling.GIF -  Mama to kid.gif DS 6/08 and DS babyboy.gif 9/11  homebirth.jpg

A tad socially awkward redface.gif

Thing1Thing2 is offline  
#6 of 15 Old 05-05-2014, 11:57 AM
 
KKsMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Yeah, just having enough space to roll over if you need to would be nice, eh?

 

I just wanted to give you support again and tell you that you are totally not alone in this. It has helped us to find other parents with "spirited" toddlers for levelly-matched playdates and camaraderie for us. I just put my boy down for a nap after the worst morning we ever had together, and it just so happens that it's also my birthday. I was really angry with him, and it was very hard not to yell or handle him roughly. Some of the things that happened: hitting me, repeatedly yelling and turning white noise off and on and pushing baby's face while I tried to get the baby to sleep (for 4 hours? and meanwhile my milk would hardly let down), telling me to put my nipple away while nursing, throwing sharp gardening tools in the air, deliberately ripping up the "fragile plants," carrying a long heavy bamboo pole and getting it stuck on things, screaming "mama, mama" but refusing any help . . . it started right from the get-go when he yelled "no no, don't do that!" when I looked at him as he came into my room. I think it would be good to have a plan for those "confrontational" moments, so that I can make choices that I feel OK with in the long run. I did so many time outs today because nothing else was working - we were trapped in a cycle and hopefully the nap and some thinking space for me will break it. Staying out of whatever I can has helped a little bit, otherwise I would have had to probably make an emergency call to a friend today. But I can already tell that I'll need to notice aloud what I like about him and what he does through this stage, or he might feel like he's "bad." It's so hard!!!!!  He doesn't want me to hold him during a tantrum, either - he screams, kicks and yells "owie." I have to admit I feel inadequate today as a parent, but I know I'm trying to do the best I can. 

 

It would be so great if another mom of a challenging toddler had some words of wisdom from the other side of this stage.

 

P.S. I decided that since it's my birthday, I'd at least help myself out (and hopefully you and whoever would read this) and try to find a good book for support. It looks like "Raising Your Spirited Child" is well-liked. Also I really liked this article: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

KKsMomma is offline  
#7 of 15 Old 05-05-2014, 01:24 PM
 
KKsMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
KKsMomma is offline  
#8 of 15 Old 05-05-2014, 08:55 PM
 
KKsMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Ok, and just for good measure, here is an older thread from this site: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1400702/3-year-old-having-a-tough-time

 

It mentions some books, too - plus stories to make you feel a little better.

KKsMomma is offline  
#9 of 15 Old 05-10-2014, 01:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
Thing1Thing2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,335
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Aw thank you KK'sMomma. The links are very helpful - and I will get the spirited child book you mentioned. Sorry about your bad day! Some days are great and others stink! I know! But Im pretty sure you are a great mom, and definitely not inadequate! :)


familybed2.gif Wife to dh_malesling.GIF -  Mama to kid.gif DS 6/08 and DS babyboy.gif 9/11  homebirth.jpg

A tad socially awkward redface.gif

Thing1Thing2 is offline  
#10 of 15 Old 05-13-2014, 03:55 PM
 
luckiest's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: TX
Posts: 753
Mentioned: 15 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 29 Post(s)

Sounds like mine!  Things have calmed down tremendously now at 3.5, and I think communication has had a lot to do with it.  Now that he can tell us *specifically* what he wants and can mostly understand our reasons for doing/not doing something, life is much easier.  I would have suggested food sensitivities as well, but it looks like you've already covered the big ones.  

 

I second getting outside - I felt for a while like the only peace I got was in our back yard.  

 

I'd also recommend a few books, if you haven't read them already - Raising Your Spirited Child is amazing, as is Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids. PPHK is probably my #1 parenting book - it draws from Unconditional Parenting and Playful Parenting, but with more how-to and less theory/studies.  Playful Parenting is also a great one - these days, those impossible-to-please moments are somewhat isolated (they happen often, but aren't the norm anymore) and usually I can tell it's a cry for connection and play with me.  

 

Or, he continues to express emotions from an earlier instance for a LONG time after I would have thought that it was over.  It's like emotional whack-a-mole - you try to quell one source of frustration and it just pops up in some other form.  Today, for example, we had a major disappointment in that our usual playdate fell through.  I had literally just told him he'd be seeing his friend that day when I got a cancelation text.  Obviously, lots of tears followed.  But then it bled into everything we did ALL MORNING.  He spilled some coffee grounds and I asked him to sweep them up.  He declined, so I said I would do it.  He stood there and watched me do it, then the second I put the grounds in the trash he collapsed on the floor because HE wanted to sweep them up.  Clearly still looking for release from his earlier disappointment.  But I've found that that happens a lot - when he's being exceptionally irrational, it's usually because he's dealing with latent emotions that still need to be let out.  




Living and loving in ATX with DH (of 7 years) and DS (3.5)
luckiest is online now  
#11 of 15 Old 05-15-2014, 09:15 PM
 
sillysapling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 713
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 36 Post(s)

This thread is about a kid about that age who seems to be doing something similar and Dr Markham gives some good advice, it might help: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1357781/toddler-keeps-changing-demands


sillysapling is online now  
#12 of 15 Old 05-16-2014, 08:15 AM
 
KKsMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Thank you sillysapling. That link was really helpful for me. It helps to hear about an alternative way to approach this that isn't just "stopping" it by trying to anticipate and meet every need (those impossible "needs" like hug me and don't hug me at the same time) or by punishing what seems like misbehavior. Thank you so much. 

 

I am starting to read Raising Your Spirited Child and I love it. It helps me feel OK as a parent, find my love again when I had a hard day, and it has some good strategies for approaching battlegrounds. I have also learned that I am "spirited" in almost every way the book describes and I did not receive supportive parenting that affirmed my spiritedness. I basically learned that there were things that were wrong or strange about me. This makes it harder to parent a child who is like me - when I don't have a good internal model for it. I appreciate so much all of the help I have received here in my parenting. I feel like I get honest and loving feedback and then I'm inspired to make healthy changes.

sereneimago and sillysapling like this.
KKsMomma is offline  
#13 of 15 Old 05-27-2014, 02:35 PM
 
daniellebluetoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: so-cal
Posts: 332
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

OOph, this sounds like my first son, who's now 12. Good news is that he's outgrown ALL of those behaviors. Good/mixed news is that I'm expecting another boy in September ;-) I am setting up my "arsenal" JIC he's like his big brother. I've had a bit of time to think, plan and practice as a nanny and animal trainer using positive reinforcement techniques for many yrs. I will set firm personal boundaries as well as "rules" and by rules I mean things like tantrum or impolite screaming will be ignored. I will use earplugs, the same ones I use to recondition the screaming parrots in my care.(because I have sensory issues myself and loud noises evoke some very ugly feelings and reactions in me) LOTS of positive reinforcement for gentle calm and polite behaviors. Separate but same room sleeping arrangements with good schedules, at least once bubs is into toddler age. I will keep a strict diet for myself and bubs to prevent food issues as I have a leaky gut and have been working on it for years, and do BLW. Attachment parenting, reiki, lots of active time to burn of excess energy and trips to the park, literally across the street, teaching and using baby sign language early. I plan to have a pool set up in the next month or so and will teach this bub to swim early.  That's all the "plan" anyway....lol..... ask me in about 18-24months how it's wokring out....lol

Catholic Mama likes this.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss
daniellebluetoo is online now  
#14 of 15 Old 06-24-2014, 01:26 AM
 
sereneimago's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 48
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thing1Thing2 View Post
<p>Thanks for the replies. MLog, food triggers would have been my first guess too- we have alot of food allergies. But we are completely sugar, artificial colorings flavorings, preservatives, dairy, corn, gluten and soy free. Unless he has another sensitivity that I don't know of, which would stink big time bc his diet is already so limited.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I will try to get him out more often. We live in an apartment building so it's harder, but if it helps him - I'll go for it! Maybe it will tire him out and he wont have the energy to scream!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>KKsMomma what you described sounds exactly like DS. Wanting me to do the impossible every day! Screaming because I'm asking a question. All of it. Maybe it is developmental, or at least I hope its developmental! I like the idea of holding him and just being quiet, but 9 times out of 10 that makes him scream and kick even more   I can't understand how a 2.5 year old who has been attachment parented since birth could have so much anger pent up in that little body!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He has his own bed, and I tried getting him into it but it turned into a "crying it out" session and I can't handle that either right now. I'm not good with confrontation. But changing the sleeping arrangements with my 5 year old might just work. Maybe the 5 year old will sleep in his own bed, giving me more room in the bed with my 2 year old and making it so I don't have to be so careful at night.</p>
Yeah, a bigger bed or moving the 5 year old to their own bed sounds good--
Sounds like your 2 year old still needs the comfort of you
but maybe he's sensitive?
I just read a book called "The Sensitive Child"
it talks about things like that...
If you mix it with "The Spirited Child" (which I haven't read, only heard about)
sereneimago is offline  
#15 of 15 Old 06-24-2014, 01:29 AM
 
sereneimago's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 48
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by KKsMomma View Post
<p>Thank you sillysapling. That link was really helpful for me. It helps to hear about an alternative way to approach this that isn't just "stopping" it by trying to anticipate and meet every need (those impossible "needs" like hug me and don't hug me at the same time) or by punishing what seems like misbehavior. Thank you so much. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am starting to read Raising Your Spirited Child and I love it. It helps me feel OK as a parent, find my love again when I had a hard day, and it has some good strategies for approaching battlegrounds. I have also learned that I am "spirited" in almost every way the book describes and I did not receive supportive parenting that affirmed my spiritedness. I basically learned that there were things that were wrong or strange about me. This makes it harder to parent a child who is like me - when I don't have a good internal model for it. I appreciate so much all of the help I have received here in my parenting. I feel like I get honest and loving feedback and then I'm inspired to make healthy changes.</p>
oops you already heard about the Spirited Child book, that's good! (i replied before i read the whole thread, sorry)

Best of luck to you--
remember to take care of you too, so you can have more patience...

and maybe try chamomile tea with soymilk, that helped my daughter calm down...
sereneimago is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off