Having "that kid" - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 06:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Having "that kid"

I am just having a hard time mamas and could really just use advice, a comforting word, or pretty much just someone to listen out there. Last night I was out with the kids (ages 7, 5, and 2.5) and heard a whisper of that terrible phrase..."that kid." More specifically, "She needs to learn to do something about that kid."

I am completely heartbroken, I've had a really hard time with my toddler and was already worried about his behavior so well...it just hurt to hear this from someone. I'm not overly confrontational, and have anxiety issues, so I didn't say anything back. Instead I just kind of folded into myself and took the kids elsewhere.

My two oldest children have always been very well behaved, they never even hit any kind of "terrible 2s" stage. They've just always been like this, and very polite. Of course, I always chalked it up to me just being an awesome parent.

Ohhhh how life will teach you a lesson about being full of yourself. My toddler is a handful. Even when he was a newborn he would only take 15 minute naps, he has always wanted to be into everything...which is totally fine. The problem is that he is just...wow. I don't even know where to begin. He thinks sharing only means people should share with him, so he rips toys from other children's hands and says "NO YOU SHARE!" (or rather, screams it in their face). He pushes, he hits, he screams NO at the top of his lungs (not even exaggerating, I've had my neighbor complain she could hear him in her living room), and I just feel like ripping my hair out. He also yells for us to "hush" all the time, something I know he picked up from my mother-in-law.

I've read books, I've read blogs, I've talked to my friends who work in childcare (who just keep saying "he's spirited!")...I've taken all the tips I could and implemented them. Still nothing, just fit after fit. I know it's not completely my fault, but I blame myself because this is the first time I've had to work outside of the home with kids. I was a SAHM with the first two, but my husband (who is...also a handful haha) is the one who is at home during the day with our toddler (I have joint custody of the first two so they're not always there). He works at night.

I have suddenly now also become "that mom" because the only thing that keeps him from flipping out all the time is to watch Thomas and Friends. I used to ban TV during the day (I typically just put music on the laptop) except for 30 minutes for the older kiddos...and now it's like it's always on. Which I know is terrible for him, but I am at my wit's end and totally don't know how to handle this anymore.

I just don't even know what to do

I was a member here years and years ago and always got good advice, so this was where I naturally gravitated towards when things got so overwhelming this morning. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I just need some support and if anyone has something that will work please oh PLEASE share. Also it may go without saying here, but still want to make sure to add it in...we're a non-spanking household so I would prefer suggestions with gentle discipline please. He's also very verbal, yet doesn't seem to understand when I say things like, "Hitting hurts mommy, let's use our words and nice touches instead." He knows what "nice touches" are and what "hurt" is, but he isn't putting things together.

Thanks ladies (and gents?), I appreciate it <3

~Christi~
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#2 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 06:49 AM
 
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I also have that kid. DS2 is my 4th child and is 2.5. My oldest was also high needs and spirited but not in the same way as DS2. He is just a tornado of destruction and noise. There is so much we can not do or take him. I swear that he spends his days plotting ways to terrorize his siblings, he must! It is all he does.

I know it is his personality. The only thing I can do is meet him where he is at if that makes sense. He is not going to be like my other children and nothing I do is going to make him different. Instead we just spend the days trying to figure out how to survive that day. A park, we can take him to. DD2's karate practice, NO! That is just asking for trouble.

He is busy dismantling the entire house while I am here so I must go. Just know you are not alone.
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#3 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 07:26 AM
 
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He sounds like a typical toddler in many ways but he may need a firmer and more to thepoint response to hitting. SSome children do great with the explanation response and some do better when you say something like "do not hit my body" with a discussion about hitting hurting people later when they are calmer. There is a series of social stories for this age that works well for some kids, I suggest Hands are not for Hitting from it to start. If he likes reading I would get books that focus on sharing and not hitting. Kids shows that highlight these two topics may also be good to watch with him and discuss.

If you feel that something is off with him I suggest getting him screened through the pediatrician. If your state has services for Infants and Toddlers I suggest getting in touch with them, they are free where I live and come to your home to screen and provide services.
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#4 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 03:38 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time

The first thing that comes to mind is that he might be reacting to something he's eating. Food intolerances (sp?) can really mess with someones behavior. Is it possible he's reacting to something like gluten or dairy (or corn, soy etc)? Just somehing to keep in mind.

Hope this helps!
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#5 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 04:00 PM
 
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I have "that kid" with it seems everyone we are around. They do not understand my daughter. She is 5 now, though, and starting to mellow out. I am not saying she doesn't have crazy screaming fits and emotional breakdowns. They just aren't as bad as they were before. For her, I notice she behaves better when she has a hot breakfast (oatmeal, bacon, eggs, or whatever). I need to do better with being consistent with her, because she loves knowing what to expect and having a routine.


I agree that food allergies sensitivities may be coming into play here. I would look into that, as well as a book called Simplicity Parenting. I am not even done with it yet and it is helping me a lot!


Just know that you are not alone and we are here to vent to.
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#6 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 08:10 PM
 
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I'm on my third "that kid". With the older two I was very... I don't know. Self-conscious, embarrassed, humiliated. I felt like a failure for, as you've said in your post, being "that mom." There were whispers. Lots of them. Smirks. Comments. Glares. From strangers, friends, even my own mother - who swore up and down she could "fix" them. (Spoiler: she couldn't.) Then I had a huge age gap between having my third, who is now a toddler. My older two are now 6 and 7 and are intensely intelligent kids. They are well advanced of their peers in many ways - creativity, reading/writing, memorizing, compassion, problem-solving... Socially they're still pretty awkward but they're improving. They are very not typical but they're still wonderful. I still feel I put much more effort into parenting them on any given day than the parents of the well-behaved easy kids (who are often the worst smirkers!), even though the common perception is that the parents must be negligent to have high-needs kids. Uh... nope, we're intensely focused on them pretty much 24/7, down to homeschooling them because they're "those kids" in a classroom setting as well. That is to say, they're not BAD, not at all! - nowadays it's just as common for us to get compliments on their personalities and smart comments and such - but they stand out and they're completely intense.


Now I'm on my third insane toddler - I just figure that's how I make them. I'm also way too tired of giving a damn about other people's opinions about my kids. Judge away, people.


So in a nutshell... a) don't worry what other people think. b) Nothing you could have done could prevent this sort of personality in a child. c) Make sure you rule out any medical (food allergies, genetic issues, etc. - we do have a genetic issue in our family that we've found recently, it explains a lot). And (in a whisper) d) - maybe you can let go of some of the pride of how your older two are behaved and you'll find it easier to not be ashamed of the third's behavior. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure you're a fantastic parent - no kids would be well behaved WITHOUT a fantastic parent! But it really is in a large part due to their own make-ups as well. You bring out the best in them, sure, but it's them that you're working with. I don't know if that makes sense. My mother swore that her awesome parenting made me obedient and compliant - well, she was certainly a good enough parent, but that's just how I was too, her parenting style didn't "fix" my own kids! I have another friend who has three of the most angelic behaved children ever and she always used to make passive aggressive comments to me about how I should try xyz... like, "maybe you should limit food colorings?" when they were already on a whole foods restricted allergen diet... or "limiting screentime to a few hours a day" when my kids at that point never even had had any to begin with! Kids will have their own raw material to work with, but I have no doubt you're the perfect parent for your kids - all of them, easy or not. Keep up the awesome work, and be patient! These toddler days will be over before you know it.
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#7 of 26 Old 06-28-2014, 08:49 PM
 
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Just want to pop by and give some support.

Don't worry about the Thomas, it's sexist and it's tv but it's also working for you. IMO you should cut yourself more slack, particularly with a spirited child. I think my almost 2.5 year old is also spirited. I just make light of many things and use games to get him to do things wherever possible. Then on the weekend dh takes him mostly, plus I put him in daycare 2 days a week. And now we watch tv during dinner despite my very strong preference to have no screens at dinner time, eventually my desire to be able to have some kind of adult conversation with dh about his day was more important than the tv rule. I know I'll bring that rule back in a couple years when the toddler part is done. I also drink wine every night after the kids are in bed. And one day a week I ditch both kids with dh and disappear for 1.5 hours to do whatever the hell I want. So yeah I basically accepted 100% this is ds and ds is awesome &&& what do I have to do to make this manageable for me. And yeah, it doesn't look how I thought it would but it mostly works...mostly.
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#8 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 06:19 AM
 
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He's also very verbal, yet doesn't seem to understand when I say things like, "Hitting hurts mommy, let's use our words and nice touches instead." He knows what "nice touches" are and what "hurt" is, but he isn't putting things together.
Reacting to hitting with explanations like that can reinforce hitting, attention is a reinforcer, you will get more of what you pay attention to. He probably will understand the words, but he also gets the message that hitting and not using his words gets him the reward of attention. Avoid Conditional Parenting of this sort.

To get more nice touches, react immediately and often to nice touches with positive attention that includes closeness, touch, enthusiam, while avoiding caboosing and criticism on the end (no "but...").

Give positive attention wanted behavior or even neutral behavior, the smallest act of kindness or self-control, the smallest steps in the right direction. Don't wait for perfection.

The positive attention need not be praise. Showing you noticed by saying what you saw, showing interest by asking questions, gratitude, expressing the fact you are pleased are other examples. If you praise, be specific (say what you saw), don't use generic praise like "good job".

Use the methods in the book Kazdin Method. The book is anti-spanking.
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Last edited by tadamsmar; 06-30-2014 at 06:32 AM.
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#9 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 07:03 AM
 
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Mine all had a hitting stage from 1-3 and I would catch their hand to physically stop them when I could, tell them "no hitting", and help them touch nicely or hug instead. Mine never had a problem saying "no" too much just because I used it. I keep my corrections short and sharp and give alternatives very clearly. It has started to work with my 17 month old, last week he saw a swordfighting scene in a movie we were watching and started waving his hands wildly, about to hit his brother because the fighting action looked fun. He thought better of it, and stroked his brother's face instead. I could see it processing in his eyes. I was so proud of him, and I said so with a big smile, "good! nice touching" and do the same to him and to his brother and hugged them.

Mine never had a big sharing issue but the kids I work with at church do often, and I don't let them take (I take what they took and give it back) and I distract with another toy, a similar one if possible.

My 8 and 5 year olds like audiobooks and kids' radio dramas as an alternative to tv. Weekdays I can't let them do much tv things always degenerate around here if I do. The older one will sit and read and the 5 year old will draw almost all day too.
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#10 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 07:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies everyone! I am about to go back and read them all right now, I'm not able to get on the forums often so I just got back to see all the replies

~Christi~
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#11 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 10:16 AM
 
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Reacting to hitting with explanations like that can reinforce hitting
I strongly disagree with this part. I think both are important.
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#12 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 12:22 PM
 
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I strongly disagree with this part. I think both are important.
I guess you mean explanations are important? You can provide explanations at other times, but they are typically reinforcing to the unwanted behavior when deployed as a knee-jerk immediate reaction to unwanted behavior.

The best time to explain why nice touching is good is as a immediate reaction to nice touches. Then the parent can have their cake and eat it too: provide the explanations they feel are important while reinforcing wanted behavior with attention.

With hitting, it is typically necessary to intervene and separate the hitter from the victim, but providing more attention to the act of hitting than the minimum necessary on regular bases over an extended period (a period as short as a week or two) can be very counter-productive because it can condition the child to hit more often.

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#13 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 12:32 PM
 
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No real advice here, just commiseration. All 3 of my kids, at some point, have been 'that kid.' I still wonder why my kids seem to be 'that kid' more than other kids. When i see other kids like that, i feel great, because it makes me feel like there are other normal children out there. I dont know what other people do to achieve a non 'that kid' status, i just know i do my best to parent with intention, as well as be considerate to other people. Sometimes i cant do two things at once, like this morning when my 2yo poured water on the floor of a waiting room while i tried to schedule dental appointments. Since i couldnt physically clean it up right there and then, i dealt with it after i made the appointments. To the woman who said 'your daughter this, your daughter that', i simply replied, i cant do two things at once, im getting to it ' ( i say something similar to my 2yo alot as well actually)

I now refer to all superfluous interventions on the part of random strangers, as 'noise from random strangers'.

My 6yo came to my defense this morning, and said to the woman, 'Dont be rude to my mother' , I said to him, 'thanks for defending me, but she wasnt being rude, she was trying to help' (thats me being polite, and i am sure she had good intentions, but she was very annoying. Im sure y 2yo was also annoying, but she is 2).

Ill think about any advice, if i have any, and post it. But i think i mainly try to increase my patience and tolerance, of both my kids and all the random strangers that make comments.

Dont let it get you down! People can be judgmental in every aspect of life, dont think those personality types will let innocent children off the hook.
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#14 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 12:35 PM
 
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First of all, WHY do people comment on kids and parents in front of them?! I hate it. A stranger told me over the weekend at an outdoor event that my kids should be wearing hats. Gee, thanks for letting me know about hats. It's not like I haven't tried to get my 15-month-old twins to wear hats without ripping them off. And thanks for making me feel bad about my parenting, even if only for a moment. These small things really hurt.

Even when my husband and I do have a problem with a kid, we would NEVER say something out loud! How is that helpful?! As though we could solve all the problems in the world by observing that a kid is spirited? So arrogant. Besides, we often have one of those kids, too. One of my twins throws a lot of fits. And they fight with each other often. We've gotten them to start gently patting the other's head as a way to apologize, which I consider a huge step. I wonder if there's something like that you can implement with yours?

Don't beat yourself up about TV. I use TV with mine, especially when I have to get ready for work and my husband isn't there. In my opinion, television that calms them is soothing, and you're doing it as much for him as you are for yourself.

I do wonder if your husband's parenting style is different from yours, since your child is showing such different behaviors from your others? Don't feel guilty about working. I know it's hard, I work full time, too. But maybe a frank discussion with your husband about how things go during the day, how he reacts, etc, can clue you in?

Hang in there!
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#15 of 26 Old 06-30-2014, 12:46 PM
 
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I second the food intolerances point-try eliminating gluten. It was a life saver for my ds2.
I also second the suggestion of audio books (not dissing thomas either, my ds1 still love thomas), but i read a book recently which talks about the harm excessive television can do which might be mitigated by audio books, insofar as the latter exercises the brains auditory functions which can suffer from too much visual stimulation, and lead to brain imbalances leading to adhd/auditory processing/behaviorial issues.... just a book im reading so i wanted to share.(the book is by Jane Healy)
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#16 of 26 Old 07-01-2014, 07:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess you mean explanations are important? You can provide explanations at other times, but they are typically reinforcing to the unwanted behavior when deployed as a knee-jerk immediate reaction to unwanted behavior.

The best time to explain why nice touching is good is as a immediate reaction to nice touches. Then the parent can have their cake and eat it too: provide the explanations they feel are important while reinforcing wanted behavior with attention.

With hitting, it is typically necessary to intervene and separate the hitter from the victim, but providing more attention to the act of hitting than the minimum necessary on regular bases over an extended period (a period as short as a week or two) can be very counter-productive because it can condition the child to hit more often.

We give explanations during both situations, but don't dwell on it when he hits. When he hits we say exactly what I said, "Hitting hurts mommy, let's use our words and nice touches instead." And it is not done in a knee jerk reaction. When he is nice and loving (which does happen quite often) we praise more fervently.

We have done most of the typical things, one of which is focusing on positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is a given in my house and has been the whole 7 years I've been parenting. But sadly, it's not working with the little one. It is definitely good advice, just putting out there it isn't helping with the littlest one. Wish it would, that would rock.

We're trying now to also to stay more positive in our talk about him because we really believe that what you say and believe attracts the same to you. So we're trying our best to not dwell on the bad behavior, even if he's not around, and tell our friends and family about all the great things he's doing, hoping like will attract like on top of working with some behavior modification :-/

~Christi~

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#17 of 26 Old 07-01-2014, 07:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I do wonder if your husband's parenting style is different from yours, since your child is showing such different behaviors from your others? Don't feel guilty about working. I know it's hard, I work full time, too. But maybe a frank discussion with your husband about how things go during the day, how he reacts, etc, can clue you in?
I have absolutely considered this. We've tried to talk about it and I mostly am told that he quote, "does what you do baby, all the positive nurturing stuff." But I also know that he has on more than one occasion been quick to be a little loud and telling the wee one "NO!" and "STOP!" to the point I told him that if we don't want him to use loud voices and yelling that we shouldn't use loud voices and yelling. He grew up in a home that is definitely pro-spanking, but he is against it. But I think he may still be exhibiting the other behaviors he grew up with like yelling in the heat of the moment.

Thank you for mentioning this, I'm definitely going to sit down with him and get him to give me better feedback!

~Christi~
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#18 of 26 Old 07-01-2014, 09:05 AM
 
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We give explanations during both situations, but don't dwell on it when he hits. When he hits we say exactly what I said, "Hitting hurts mommy, let's use our words and nice touches instead." And it is not done in a knee jerk reaction. When he is nice and loving (which does happen quite often) we praise more fervently.
I the same situation where it was just me and him, if my son hit me, I would not say a word, I would look away, get up and walk away. If I needed to monitor him, I would stay in the same room and watch out of the corner of my eye. I would go back to him later, not more than 2 minutes later. This is what I would try as a experiment. If I did not like his reaction, I would try some other strategy. Also, if there was not a noticeable improvement after doing this consistently for a week or two, I would try a different strategy. Also, might try a little more subtle but similar approach where I just look away and disengage for 2 minutes.
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#19 of 26 Old 07-01-2014, 09:59 AM
 
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Sometimes you do have to completely stop giving any attention in response to behavior like that. Especially if you're using a calm, gentle voice, some kids don't understand they're being told off. Other kids, even when they're getting ample positive attention, still take negative attention as a good thing. It's worth a try to start, but if it's not working then completely disengaging is a better idea. Like tadamsmar said, not for a long time, a minute or two at most.

If he hits someone else, give the other person attention first- take them away from your son, keep your son from getting to them, and give positive attention, even if he hits an adult. After making sure they're okay, then you can either correct your son or not, but if he sees that hitting another person means that they get attention and he doesn't, that can help him realize that hitting doesn't get him what he wants.

It sounds like there definitely may be differences between your and your husband's parenting styles that could be the problem. It also may be worth talking to his pediatrician and trying to get him tested for various things, there are a lot of issues that can cause behavioral problems. Food intolerances are a good place to try, but it also may be an indication of something else.

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#20 of 26 Old 07-01-2014, 11:00 AM
 
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Suggest to the husband that he get close, touch, and speak in a calm voice rather than yelling at a distance. I find this works amazingly well.

Seems like the yelling is just a habit rather than something he believes in, so perhaps he can break the habit.

I am a grandfather and I have a yelling issue I am working on. I have 2 yo grandson, and I have yelled at him (or raised my voice) on three occasions when he grabbed at his 5 yo sister's glasses. The first time we were watching these two and I yelled "No!" when he did it. I started bawling and I calmed him down pretty quickly by taking him to quiet place and having him set in my lap and look out the window. I did not even think I caused him to get upset, thinking his conflict with his sister did it. The second time, he sat on her face and I yelled across the room "Get off E.", his father was there but had his back turned setting at a piano. The grandson really lost it and bawled and complained to his dad for a number of minutes and said he wanted to go home and seemed to tend to avoid me and cling to his dad for almost a day. So I really got the message that I needed to change. There was a another glasses grabbing incident where I went over close and said no but I think I raised my voice, and he got upset (less so) and went to his dad and complained. Anyway, I don't believe in yelling, it's just a bad habit and I am going to try some new strategies.

One thing I thought of is that this was like an unconscious limit that my grandson crossed. I did not have a conscious rule about the glasses, so my outbursts were being triggered without fore-thought. My plan now is to get close, touch, and very calmly say "You can stay here if you are kind to E. and careful of her glasses". On thing is it seems like an emergency when he is going after her glasses and emergencies trigger yelling and raising voices, but it would be better for me to calmly pick him up rather than yell, I think.
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#21 of 26 Old 07-01-2014, 12:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'll definitely be trying the complete disengagement beginning when I get home. Thank you all again so much, I really appreciate all the support
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#22 of 26 Old 07-09-2014, 10:43 PM
 
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I'm kind of in the same situation. DS is 22 months and very active, curious and all. I met a children's specialist in the park and one thing she told me about discipline, i will never forget : when he does something you don't like, never react the same way. One time you can say NO! very loudly. Another time you remove him from let's say, the playground (and one thing, you have to be consistent, if you say "stop that or we leave", if he does not stop, you really leave. He might try you a couple of times after that but if you are consistent he will listen because he does not want to leave). Another thing I won't forget (and found that it worked really well!) is when he does something you do not like, you react (for exemple say NO with a mean face for a second or 2 (enough for him to see that you do not agree with what he's doing) then you move on! You throw him a ball or tell him to go down the slide with a joyful tone or something like that, and he will not be stuck on that 'negative' vibe, if you know what I mean. Anyway, good luck, I'm there with you

French Canadian living in the Big Easy. Happy mama to Jaxson Lee born on 9/16/12 and loving wife to Denis Lee since 11/03/11

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#23 of 26 Old 07-10-2014, 01:04 AM
 
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The comments from other people about kids can be very disturbing. Our kids aren't that far apart and I have the same situation here. My dd is almost 9, ds just turned 7 and lil dd is just over 3. My older two were well behaved sweet little kids - don't get me wrong they had their moments, they're kids - but nothing like the little one. What I get most often is "you're spoiling her because she's the baby." Huh??? I definitely am not and her being the baby doesn't equate because ds was the "baby" for 4 years and was originally planned to stay that way and I never had this issue. I don't treat my "baby" any different than I do anyone but people like to forget that now that I have another baby. DD has been high needs since she was born. Her favorite thing now is - she's extremely loud and repetitive when she wants to tell you something - Mommy mommy mommy mommy - yelling too loudly to hear me say "What?" until I finally say it loud enough for her to hear me then she says "you not have to yell!!!!" *sigh* It's an all day ordeal with her. She's also a very attached kid - special blanky, special doll, special everything that she MUST have.

I agree the food intolerances may be just the thing. I'm working on that here as well and hoping that may find a cause for some of this. I've also started to consider the possibility of SPD or some other issues because of her behaviors and quirks. I'm not saying that's necessarily an issue with your baby just a thought that I've had with mine. I've had a little success lately with giving her more options and that seems to keep her a little calmer. A schedule is also a big help with her and something that has been up in the air being changed here lately that needs to be fixed. I'll post back if I think of anything else. Kinda brain dead right now as it's the middle of the night and I'm up again with the high spirited baby. (Oh yeah... she STILL doesn't sleep through the night)

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
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#24 of 26 Old 07-10-2014, 05:21 AM
 
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I think sometimes (especially when you've had 3 kids and only one is like this) we know that our kids temperament is the biggest player here. And when that happens, I do think we need to be careful to not blame ourselves or take slack from folks who think they know all the answers.

We've all seen a behavior out in public that we think we would handle differently. Healthy adults process things like this by reminding ourselves that we don't know the whole story. Others make snide comments to parents struggling through a rough patch (as if they've never been there, which can't be true).

I recently read a nice Jim Henson quote, "Kids don't remember what we teach them, they remember who we are."

Christi, if you are a loving person and a person you would like your child to be, I think you can set aside your worries about your child. Much more so than someone who makes rude comments to a peer struggling.

That doesn't mean that we don't try to find what works best to help our kids behave in pro-social ways. In the case of your DS, I would suggest breaking these problems up. Start a new day tomorrow and deal with the very first challenge as if it was the first hard thing you've had to help your child with. Look at it holistically.

Is he rested, well fed, had enough exercise, had enough attention, had enough physical contact?

And then up from there.

What do you think his motivations are for the unwanted behavior? Open up to a lot of options. Is he frustrated? Does he not like the person? Does he not understand something? Does he just hate to share? Is the reaction he gets from doing something unpleasant more interesting than the activity? Does he lack self-control? Did something happen to him to trigger the unwanted behavior?

Really observe. Closely. Give it time (barring something that needs to be intervened on). Spend some time just watching closely at play. My DC is playing with a cousin right now and the two of them are having trouble getting along. I have taken it upon myself to sit (sometimes slightly out of view) to study them. I'm slowly starting to understand their dynamic. I highly, highly recommend that sort of "research".

This can really help you develop a deep understanding for what may be going on for your DC. And then you can try to come up with some creative ideas for how to help him fix it. I think seeing your parent brainstorm all sorts of creative ways to help fix a conflict is a GREAT message. It says, "They are on my side." You've gotten some great suggestions already! Here's hoping that some of these ideas help.
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#25 of 26 Old 07-10-2014, 05:29 AM
 
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Also, sharing. There are a lot of ways that I have seen sharing handled. My preferred way is to encourage children to communicate directly with each other and to try to avoid the word share. I prefer encouraging children to ask, "May I play with that when you are finished." My observations when this happens is that the answer is very often "yes" because it is a very different question than asking a child to share.

As a parent if you are supervising your child and someone wants to share with him, maybe you can say out loud, "Jimmy, this child is asking to play with your shovel. When you are finished with it, would you please give it to him to play with?"

This method seems move consensual whereas sharing seems more compromise driven.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#26 of 26 Old 07-10-2014, 02:44 PM
 
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I agree. I really appreciate the book "it's ok not to share", which basically says exactly that.
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