First and foremost, you want to "catch her being good" and reinforce that. Mainly use social reinforcement, positive attention: get close, touch, be enthusiastic almost to the point of bowling her over (the limit varies per kid), do this as a immediate reaction to wanted behavior, do it often for specific good behaviors at first (lots of reinforced practice at first), don't caboose criticism on the end (no "but..."), be specific, not "Good job", say specifically what you saw to let her know you noticed, ask questions about what she did to show interest. Don't wait for perfection, reinforce mere acceptable behavior, reinforce the smallest step in the right direction. Reinforce the positive opposite of common unwanted behaviors. Use social reinforcement in reaction to wanted behavior even if you induced the wanted behavior by some means like an offer of a tangible reward.
Reading your post, the only time you mention her being good is that she acts like an angel around others. Perhaps you did not mention all the times she engages in wanted or merely acceptable behavior if even for a brief period. Anyway if that is all there is, then reinforce that wanted behavior when you catch it happening. Don't just say "you acted like an angel", too generic. Watch and notice specifically what she did and talk about that, show you noticed, ask questions.
If there is not enough good behavior just happening, you can try prompting to get it going. Get close, touch, give the prompt, don't use a question or a question inflection. "Please brush your teeth" for instance. If you prompt more than 3 times without results, stop and use a different strategy, too much prompting is nagging, no nagging. You can also use a form like "You can come back and play more after you brush your teeth" well before bedtime so there is time for her to play more.
You can also use tangible rewards like reward charts to get a behavior going, learn about this in the Kazdin Method book. If you use tangible reinforcement, also use social reinforcement, fade out the tangible reinforcement after the habit is established and fade out the social reinforcement from always to occasional.
Use reinforcement at least 10 times more than you use punishment.
Never use punishment or time-out for anything that is harmless in the short run and can be ignored. Just pretend to ignore, look away, get up and walk away. Pick up the cat and walk away. If you need to monitor then stay in the same room and watch out of the corner of your eye. Come back when she does something good or acceptable or after 4 or 5 minutes. Sometimes a kid will get worse at first when you start pretending to ignore, but will start improving after a few days. If the behavior regularly gets worse in a way that you can't ignore, then give up on this strategy for that particular behavior. Kazdin give instructions on pretend games you can use to turn harmful tantrums into "good" harmless tantrums that can be ignored.
Sometimes you can be subtle about planned ignoring, just look away, kind of shut down, watch out of the corner of your eye, don't re-engage till she does something wanted or at least acceptable
Give all those toys on the shelf back to her now. Never take a toy away for a long period. Keep all consequences short. End them the same day they start or the next morning, never longer than the next full day. Long restrictions work no better and they are counter-productive to boot because they just breed resentment.
Give up on the traditional time-out with relocation till you read Kazdin on how to get cooperation from a defiant kid. You can teach a kid to go to time-out and reinforce it with social and tangible rewards. Time-out works even if you reward each well-executed time-out.
Avoid the battles of will. Don't threaten time-out or consequences like taking away toys, just do it immediately when warranted. Let your actions do most of the talking when you have to react to unwanted behavior that can't be ignored. Don't get sucked into a debate about applying consequences, just proceed and pretend to ignore her reactions if they are harmless in the short run. Applying consequences immediately in response to unwanted behavior without threats is one way to make mild consequences more effective. As I pointed out, making consequences have a longer duration does not make them more effective.
Since the kid's behavior is kind of extreme, you might want to encourage her mom to talk to her pediatrician about it. Some professional guidance would be a good idea.
Last edited by tadamsmar; 07-15-2014 at 07:50 AM.