threatening to close the door
OK, so I have posted a lot about bedtime and nap time. Sleeping has always been rotten with my oldest boy (2.5), with short breaks of easy routines. I have so far been sort of successful explaining why we sleep, "what mama does while you fall asleep," talking about fears and addressing them. This has all helped, but now that he is being really uncooperative at bedtime, with almost every step of the routine, I am resorting to threatening to shut the door if he "yells" because I don't want him to wake the baby. Then I open it almost immediately after to say that we can leave it open if he is quiet. This kind of works, but only if you keep doing it. I really don't like doing this!
I don't know what else to do, though, and I think I'm not seeing the situation clearly beyond my immense irritation. If I don't set this "limit," he calls me in, over and over and over to give him a "hug-a" and then as soon as I let go, cries for another. If I start to gently explain anything we are doing in the routine after this point, he will scream, hit, cry, push me away, then immediately cry for another hug. This can last for up to an hour (and did in the middle of the night last night), ending only when I explain that he will have a cranky mama if it continues.
I feel like a total jerk closing the door and really throughout this whole end of the bedtime routine, but I don't what to do instead. If he comes in my room, with baby, he tries to wake him up to play, and does not listen (and escalates) if I tell him to be quiet. I am really frustrated and right now reading Raising Your Spirited Child (re: bedtime). I want to give him the extra assurance and support he needs to sleep, but I don't know where to start.
Can somebody help me? I kind of want some validation that yeah, that bedtime tactic sucks and I shouldn't do it. And maybe some advice or commiseration? I feel like a bad mommy.