Mothering Forum banner

Feeling Mommy-Guilt...

1K views 11 replies 10 participants last post by  Jaxy 
#1 ·
I have an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old. I cannot use the excuse that I'm too tired, because my 3 month old is already sleeping 10-12 hours all night long, so I'm getting enough sleep... the thing is, I am just so tired of playing with my toddler/preschooler. This sounds/feels so horrible to say, but I'm just sick of playing with her. I'm so done with building blocks and playing dolls and coloring... I just can't stand it any longer. I love my girls to death. I love them so much it hurts that I have these thoughts. Is this normal? Am I horrible mom? Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I am an intelligent person. I had a good job in finance prior to getting pregnant, I stopped working to stay at home with my girls and I just feel like I don't think I can do it much longer. I had thoughts that I wanted to homeschool because I really don't want them to go to public school but the thought of having to spend the entire day doing little kid things make me feel like I'm losing my mind! The other thing is, I want to have more kids! I love my babies and I love my family so much, I just feel like I can't be with them all the time. Is it because I'm an introvert and I'm sensitive or something and I need more space or more quiet, or am I just selfish and need some serious self-adjustment?
I don't always feel like this. If my husband is home and helping me it's different, but when I'm alone with a toddler all day long... I feel like my brain cells are dying at a rapid rate...
I feel like I want to live 2 lives. I have so many ideas about things I want to do personally with myself that I just cannot do with children. But then, I love my children and I always wanted a large family... so I really want to have more children, but how can I even attempt those personal goals if I have to give my entire being to my children? I don't have any strength left and I'm not being built up, I'm just being taken from every day and it's hard to do anything...
Any thoughts or advice? Am I just having a postpartum meltdown?
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Hang in there, having a 3 year old is tough and it's boring, and having to do the same old monotonous thing wears us all down. Most mothers I've talked to really don't enjoy playing all these pretend games, honestly. I think I tried to read a book or watch tv at the same time as crawling around on the floor, pretending to be an animal. Maybe you could switch up the games you play more frequently. One game we thought was fun around that age was the pull off the sock game, where we'd each wear socks and crawl around and try to grab the other one's sock. And there were simple board games that we started playing at that age. Blocks can get more fun if you have nice blocks where you can try to build something creative.

Having more children might actually be a good idea, because then the play with each other. :)Although now my oldest is 15 and she generally doesn't play stuffed animals with her sister anymore. She still did when she was 14, and I heard her once tell her that she didn't really enjoy it, but she was doing it to be nice.

In any event, they will be onto other things before you know it, even though it doesn't help you now.
 
#3 ·
I think this might be a postpartum thing. I say this as a mom with a 5 month old and a 2.5 yr old. One of my main symptoms of postpartum mood stuff is irritability and mental exhaustion (which it sounds like you have some of this as this as well). Is there any way to get some time alone out of the house ? Even grocery shopping alone does wonders for me. And yes, I have hired a babysitter so I can go shopping alone on a Friday night. Just an hour or so away and I feel refreshed and I even miss my kiddos. My other advice is to consider some TV time. I let my toddler veg out some days for a couple episodes of Daniel tiger or an Elmo video. This is good for my mental health too. Sometimes I put her in the bathtub (with baby on a pillow nearby) and let her play for 30+ minutes with tons of toys and lavender oil. Finally, if I can't get away because it's logistically impossible, sometimes I put both kids in the car, open the sunroof, and go for a drive for an hour or so. The quiet time is good for everyone and we practice quiet time & "observing" & then talk about it when we get home. These are some of my survival skills that get me through those days where I don't think I'm going to make it. (Daddy works 12 hr shifts). Hugs mama- you need a break. XO
 
  • Like
Reactions: EmSa
#4 ·
I also wanted to add that I try to do something intellectually stimulating while the kids nap- like listen to a ted talk or book on tape while I'm picking up/cooking dinner/etc
 
#5 ·
Im in the same boat as you, Celuvski.

Sitting here paying bills and getting on Mothering and fb while my 6 and 3 year old play. Mornings are rough because I dread being stuck at home all day with no real goals in mind.

I do homeschool my 6 year old. Today is election day so we took the day off. Days where we homeschool are tougher because I have to try to stay on top of my 1st grader while entertaining my 3 year old.

We don't have television so it makes it all the harder. We also only have 1 car which my husband takes to work. So we are stuck here all day basically - and night since my husband works 2 jobs so I can stay at home. Seriously reconsidering finding myself a job.

Mommy guilt makes everything worse. So when Im overwhelmed like this, I just try to be gentle with myself.
 
#6 ·
I remember feeling really stir-crazy and bored in the early postpartum months. And keeping my oldest entertained did get really boring and crazy making when he was 2 and 3. The toddler years have been much easier with my second. He has his brother to play with, and it makes a huge difference for me. They started playing together in short little stints when my second was 4 or 5 months. I taught my oldest how to sing songs to the baby, and he also loved to build tents and cars and rockets with pillows and blankets around the baby, where ever I had laid him. They are 5 and 2 now, and play together most of the time. Of course I have to help them learn to share and break up fights, but I have a lot more time to work on my own things than I ever did when my first was 2. And as my first gets bigger, he's more capable of doing activities that we both find enjoyable.
 
#7 ·
I don't think you're a bad mother at all. I think you are totally normal. Although if you do think you are having some PPD, you should look into that. It's serious and you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your kids. It seems normal to me to get bored and irritated etc. Being at home all day with small kids is rough. Sometimes we imagine our lives a certain way and fantasize about how great they would be if we did certain things, but in reality, they are not always so great. I always thought I would love to be a SAHM, but when I was home with my baby, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I feel like I am not very creative. I look at my son and wonder what we should do. My nanny is much better at that stuff. She comes up with games and art projects that are fun and stimulating. Perhaps you could get a sitter for some time or take your daughter to a play group or something where you could drop her off and she could play with some other people. You're a mom but you are also still a woman with her own mind and aspirations. I would encourage you to find some ways you can recharge yourself so you feel fulfilled as a person. It will probably make the parenting thing easier and more enjoyable.
 
#8 ·
Wow i can so relate to this. Except that i did go back to work, and early with both of mine. I more or less had to go back to work because the amount i can contribute financially signficantly improves our fianncial situaiton overall. I didn't feel that i had a choice. And then when i went back to work, both times, i had moments of serious guilt over leaving my babies. And sometimes i get really sad and think i should be at home with them. But then when i'm honest with myself i know that for me, i would definitely not be happy being a sahm for any extended period of time. I'm very educated and cerebral, i get to do work that involves a lot of critical thinking, which i think is essential for my happiness. But i decided that i only want 2 kids. The sacrifice invovled for me as a person, and also for my career, was just too much to go on having more, even though i originally thought i'd want 4!! Now i am SO happy with 2. Really i feel that having more than 2 children seems to be something that people do if they are able to be a sahm for all four when the babies are really young (under 6 months), which i could not do with my career. Having two feet in the pond like that, straddling two worlds as fertile reproducer and money making career woman, is extremely tough and not something i personally want to beyond the two children i have.

Is there any way you could work for yourself, maybe 2-3 days a week? That could give some balance to the situation, get you out of the house. It is absolutely normal and okay to feel that you need some time that isn't baby-baby-baby.
 
#9 ·
Thank you so much! I do think it's a little bit of PPD, but I do always feel better when I go out and meet a friend or play group or something, then come back home and I feel a little more normal. I am considering going back to work. I actually had a job working from home around 15-20 hours a week totally at home and it was absolutely perfect. But, that business closed, so this doesn't exist anymore, and I doubt I could find anything similar. So, I'm sorta mourning that situation personally and financially. Prior to kids, I had a corporate job in finance sitting at a computer all day. I don't know if I want to do that anymore, I feel like my mind is different and I'd want to do something more creative, but it's difficult to start a new career in your 30s also.
I'm very encouraged by those who said as their kids got older, they really played together well and this gave them more personal time :)
 
#10 ·
I felt this way too when my daughter was a year old, and I decided to go back to school. I don't think you sound depressed, just bored. I think that the whole point of feminism is self-determination. Sometimes it goes against biology,y, but so does a lot of what we do in modern society, and it's up to us to decide what's appropriate.

Maybe consider not having more kids and going back to work sooner than you planned. That's where I am in my journey. I'd love to have more kids but I hated being a SAHM and I am not jealous of the bond my daughter has developed with her daycare caregiver. I think its sweet. I don't feel very guilty about it, but I have my moments when I wish for another baby, but then realize than I am not willing to sacrifice my way of life any more than we already have. We can't afford more kids than the one we have most likely because we live in an expensive city and I don't have a high-paying career. It makes me sad, but I was much worse of as a SAHM, so having a small family is worth the sacrifice, IMO.

Keep in mind that part of the problem is out individualistic society. In the history of mankind, childcare was usually communal, once the baby got to walking and talking and being social with other kids. It was not up to moms to act like children. This is a new thing since we are isolated with them all day. ideally you'd have other women to trade chores and primary caregiver time with, but it can be hard to make mama friends who are willing to do this sort of time-sharing. Most people are very possessive of their children, which can be strange to us from communal cultures who are used to having like 3 mother figures in our lives and are sure children's hearts have room for all that love and multiple attachments.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Jaxy
#11 ·
Another thing. As they get older they play with each other. I have 6 children under 12 and they occupy each other. I have always wanted to be that mom that gets down and plays but I am just not. I don't like it. Instead I read. I cuddle. I do another million things with them during the day and for them that I am just going to accept that I don't want to play. My husband plays. That is what he likes. So it balances us out. When I have a newborn who depends on me for everything I start to feel trapped. I can't go or do anything on my own. I used to take baths when my husband got home or a long hot shower. Just to be by myself. This stage passes and you can again go out and be your own person. I am there now and it feels good. I loved when they were babies but it was hard at times.
 
#12 ·
I don't think that adults should play with kids (not all day anyway, maybe a few minutes here and there), kids need to play with other kids!
Maybe you should consider a few days of day care or swapping play dates (you find another mom in your situation and send your older daughter there, then the next day she sends her kid to your house). I live in the South so it's warm, we go to the park everyday! I get to meet really cool parents and sit down and sip a beer on the bench (... I'm in New Orleans lol). If you're somewhere where the weather is not always nice, take her to a children's museum or an inside playground/waterpark/wherever she can have fun and you can sit down and chill) It makes life so much better! Find whatever works for you!!
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top