Is it wrong? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 09:09 PM - Thread Starter
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Tonight I took my son up to Barnes n Nobles, we went up to find a book on bugs. In the kids section they have a train set up for the kids to play with and like always my son ran to it and started playing.
Well there was a little girl there around his age and they were playing together. I have to say my son is one of the biggest flirts I've ever met and he always tries to kiss and hug little girls. Well he tried it on this one and he put his arms around her and gave her a hug and was kissing her cheek.

Then the little girls mother freaked out and told me to make my son stop. I didn't say anything, I pulled my son away ( he started getting upset when I did) and I picked him up. The mother made a comment that I should teach my son respect and that he is the type to become a rapist!!! I was shocked and very embarrassed that I walked right out.

I honestly don't think its wrong that my son has this type of behavior, he gets along so well with other kids but he really likes girls. He has done this before, we never encouraged or taught him that and I usually get a little uncomfortable when it happens cause of situations like today. But the other times he did it the other child's parents thought it was a cute thing.

Is it wrong? One part of me feels horrible that it happened yet another part is telling me that my son shows love and caring. Most little boys usually hit and spit.
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#2 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 09:21 PM
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How old is he? Sounds ADORABLE! Add my to the list of boys who hit and spit. i wish he was like that! And no he is not likely to become a rapist. He is likely to become a warm hearted, compassionate, Young Gentleman. If she wants her daughter hanging out with the hitters, give her my number

I think its sweet, and I would let your son play with my daughter any DAy!!
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#3 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 09:33 PM
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Wow, she overreacted.

At the same time, I have a little girl who hates unwanted hugs and kisses from boys. I don't make that much of a distinction between unwanted kisses and more obviously agressive forms of touching (I've thought about this a lot, because dd was a one-year-old hitter and I always thought it was strange when others would encourage her to hug her unwilling victims).

If I had been the mother in the store, I would have wanted you to step in. I would not have insulted you or your son or insinuated that this toddler quirk was anything more than that.

Is your son verbal? Could you encourage him to ask before he holds hands, plants a kiss, whatever.
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#4 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 10:01 PM - Thread Starter
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He is very verbal, and we try to tell him that not all little girls like that. I mean its true some children aren't very social and that can be disturbing. But he has always been like this and its just something in his nature. When he is with boys he plays very good, but when he is around girls he is always trying to hold their hand, hug them or kiss them.
I usually step in 99% of the time the 1% is when I don't catch it in time. I usually supervise him with other children and when he starts I try to avert his attention. But sometimes it just happens. Alot of parents think its cute, one father even laughed and said that he didn't think his daughter would get her first kiss that young.
But I understand that not everyone is comfortable with that but I just didn't think that someone could actually take it too seriously.
I think that he is use to me and his daddy being very affectionate in front of him. We are always hugging each other kissing or holding hands. I think he might feel that its what you do when your around little girls and I must admit his father and his two uncles ( my husband's brothers) are very flirty even when they aren't trying to be so I think its just an Irish trait that he inherited .
I tried talking to him today. And I mentioned that its better if he just plays with the little girl and that she might not like being hugged. But I just don't want him to assume that since I say its not okay that he'll avert his affection into hitting girls.
I'm really uncomfortable on how to approach it.
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#5 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 10:10 PM
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My 18 month old also loves girls and tries to kiss them. No one has ever complained, though I do try to step and avert it with strangers.

The woman was totally out of line to say something like that, as well as totally wrong. Like my son, yours is a sweet loving little thing!

I think I am going to have to teach him to ask first eventually....
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#6 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 10:14 PM
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I agree that the mom overreacted, but still . . . I myself would be uncomfortable if a child I did not know came up and hugged and kissed my child. And I know that both my kids would be uncomfortable, too. If it happened to them, however, I would have just told the mom and/or the hugger that my child didn't want to be hugged right now. I do feel it is my job to speak up for my kids if they aren't able to do it themselves. I wouldn't have attacked you in that way, however.

Oh--and for the record, most little boys do not "hit and spit". I think that was a bit out of line. My boys are not like that at all. And I've known plenty of girls who are quite violent, so let's not generalize, OK?
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#7 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 10:33 PM
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It sounds to me like you're handling it just fine. All kids have to learn to respect others' personal space, but it takes *alot* of time. The way they learn is by being told whenever something like that happens. I used to say things like "Ask first when you want to touch"

I used to say "You're so cute I could eat you up!!" Then I'd play bite DS. Well, the inevitable happened & DS saw a baby one day that he thought was cute... he bit her. Forunetly, it was a playbite, just like what we did... but it scared everyone involved (except DS who was just confused) Like you, I was so embarrased we left right after that.

It was downright mean of that woman to say your son is going to grow up to be a rapist. Thats an extremly harsh point of view, and she's IGNORANT & WRONG ( I know you know that... I just thought it might be nice to hear, anyway!!) You're right, it *does* show love & caring.

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#8 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 10:36 PM
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At three years, the mom is freaking? She is way intolerant. Maybe she had abuse issues that arent cleared up in some way, she way over reacted. I wouldnt mind if a kid hugged or kissed mine, even if the child minded, I'd maybe gently remove the child, but that mom was a bit wacko. Maybe pms? I hope so. I'd just crack up if a mom said that to me, she's the one who has "issues". Oy. must be an only child.
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#9 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 10:52 PM
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My DD 22 mos does not like to be touched by strangers at all. If that were to happen to her I would simply go over and say to the child, "Johanna does not really lwant to be touched right now so we can just play with the trains ok?" Then I figure the mom would step in. I would never overreact like that whacko woman b/c it is nice loving gesture...just one my DD doesn't like (takes after her mama)
It must be crazy overreacting mom month b/c I had a mom attack me verbally, too in a supermarket. (posted in Gentle discpline)
Too bad I wasn't in the store with you...I would have rolled my eyes at you about her.

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#10 of 16 Old 09-01-2004, 11:10 PM - Thread Starter
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To QueetheBean

I didn't mean anything by saying boys usually hit and spit, I was meaning about the boys that do spit and hit that I have witness and the parents did nothing to let them know they did wrong. I should of specified. I didnt mean anything against your children or anyone elses boys. Sorry
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#11 of 16 Old 09-02-2004, 09:40 AM
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Ah, my heart breaks for your son. He was trying to be sweet and he's chastised harshly by a strange woman. How sad.
I can see other kids needing space and having different personal space issues, but to accuse him of becoming something so horrible and serious is ridiculous. I'm so sorry for both you and your son that you had to experience this. Man, what is wrong with people these days? Do they have no compassion for children other than their own?
I'm sorry, but this incident makes my blood boil, actually. Here's a boy, in touch with his softer, loving side and that jerk of a mother makes him feel bad about it.
Big, huge hugs to you, Fullmoonmommy!
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#12 of 16 Old 09-02-2004, 11:08 AM
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my dd is a big kisser too. she hugs and kisses all kids, boys and girls. i never saw it as a problem! i can't imagine some one interpreting a toddlers affection for another toddler as a precursor to rape! that seems really harsh and hateful to me. and a bit crazy too.
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#13 of 16 Old 09-02-2004, 11:29 AM
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My 18 month old LOVES to hug other children his age. And he goes in for the kiss too. I've NEVER had a mother say anything negative about it... it's so darned sweet how could they? He's often met with disbelief from the receiving party... but no hard feelings!

I'm sorry that happend to you and your baby! That other mom should be ashamed! To be so mean in the face of a very sweet and kind gesture is just wrong!

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#14 of 16 Old 09-02-2004, 01:15 PM
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Wow, FullMoonMommy! If you had written this post a month ago, I would have thought it was your little boy who kissed dd at the train table at our bookstore! I can't believe that lady reacted that way. How old is your son? My dd is 2 1/2 and it seems difficult, if not impossible to teach about personal space or boundaries at such a young age. I mean, you can talk to them about it, but I don't think it will sop overnight, KWIM? Anyway, dd doesn't like to be touched by strangers and she promptly freaked out when this little boy kissed her hand. We had to leave right away, as dd was crying and begging to go home. The little boy's mom apologized, and we said it was ok. It happened so fast that we didn't have time to intervene and let him know that dd isn't comfortable being touched by strangers. I don't think that my dd isn't social because she reacts like this. I actually think it's great that she reacts so strongly to being touched. I hope it carries over to her teenage and adult years. With her friends and cousins she is very affectionate and loves to hug them and hold their hands.
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#15 of 16 Old 09-02-2004, 01:21 PM
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A rapist!?! That's pretty harsh. That lady obviously has issues of some sort. I hope that little girl doesn't grow up thinking that every male who tries to be affectionate towards her is trying to rape her.

Anyway...some people may not want strangers kissing their kid, but she was way out of line with the rapist comment.
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#16 of 16 Old 09-02-2004, 01:27 PM
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I wonder what it must have been like for that woman. Maybe she was raped as a child and no one thought to protect her. She probably just overreacted.

I think as long as the kids involved are happy about it, there's no problem, but it probably brought up something bad for this woman.
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