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Reliving traumas -- does your toddler do this?

645 views 12 replies 10 participants last post by  4evermom 
#1 ·
Dd is 14mos and pretty much from the beginning I've had a habit of narrating life for her, especially describing feelings -- both hers and those of others around her.

I've noticed that for something small like a little trip or bump on the head, I can immediately say "Oo! You bumped your head. You didn't mean to do that!" Or "That noise was loud and it startled you, didn't it." When she's mildly confused or a little upset, this seems to help her process and move on.

But when she goes through something scarier I have to be careful not to describe it right away. It's just too much. The other day she tripped over the rocking chair runner and bumped her chin hard, biting the inside of her lip
She was bleeding and semihysterical and after I gave her the breast (the #1 cure-all) and she was nursing I started my shtick. "You tripped and fell and bit your lip. That hurt and it was scary."

I thought it would help her process as it usually does but instead she let go of the nipple and wailed hysterically again. She was clearly re-experiencing her fall very vividly. I had to get her settled before she would nurse again and I only brought up what happened after she was very calm. She was OK then and it did seem to help her.

Has anyone else noticed this? That talking about an experience too soon afterwards is too stimulating or makes their toddler "re-live" it? I know now that if it's something very upsetting I have to wait for the initial trauma to subside before she's ready to process it.
 
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#2 ·
My daughter is older (3.5) and she does this in a similar way. It doesn't upset her as much anymore, but she will often say, "Remember the time we were playing outside and I fell off the slide?" or something similar. These things obviously make an impact on her, and I think she is just processing some of the fear/feelings.

Not with physical trauma, but emotional...after Grandpa leaves (or someone else she loves and doesn't see daily), she will be upset, then fine, and if I mention him again too soon, or she sees his picture, etc., she will re-live the whole "goodbye" from earlier in the day, complete with tears, etc.
 
#3 ·
Why do you narrate for her? I tend to treat incidents like this matter of factly. I think using words like scary is going to encourage fear. For example ds fellow the other day and scrapped his knee. He was crying. I put him on my lapped , acknowledged his fall, examined his ouwie , and told him he was okay and just had a little scrape. Then he will sit and cuddle till he is ready to play. I've done this with all my dc. I have a good friend who makes more of an issue with things and uses words like scary often and her dc are more fearful of everything. Another example is when it storms, we talk about the storms matter of factly, never using any type of fearful language, the thunder is lound, the lightening bright, and none of my dc are scared of storms. We have to becareful what emotions we project on to our children.
 
#4 ·
My daughter (3 yrs) also does this, often describing something that was upsetting/scary to her when she is upset about something completely different! She was sad the other morning when dh had to leave for work and started telling me in great detail about a scratch she had gotten a while ago as well as a fall off her trike... the whole time getting quite upset all over again. In one way it amazes me how much she remember details, on the other hand it can be hard to help her calm down when she is upset about so many things!
 
#5 ·
My daughter does this too. I've always made an effort to talk about what's happening, and help her label her feelings. "That big dog was a little scary, huh!" "I know you're sad that daddy's not home, I miss him too" ... etc.

But particularly when she has a bad dream, she becomes almost angry if I try to talk about it with her. She'll wake up crying, saying "Big animal chase meeee!!!" But if I try ask her about it, assure her it wasn't real, etc. she says "No Mommy! No talk that! No talk!"

With other scary incidents, she's able to (and wants to) talk about what's happened. But with nightmares she just seems to need to clear her head ASAP. So we just talk about things that make us "feel good" until she can fall asleep again.
 
#6 ·
oh my DD does this same thing! She's 15 mo.

Weird to hear you describe it exactly! I've found that biting my tongue, and not describing the action, just focusing on the empathy helps ("I know, I know, that hurties, I'm here..."). She's sooo sensitive!
 
#7 ·
I don't think I would narrate for my children, either. They're 15 mos & hurt themselves frequently. I empathize in the moment & let it go. Otherwise I'd be labeling the event w/my interpretation, which might be quite different from theirs.

I'm 40 yrs old, and my Mom still mis-labels my experiences for me!
 
#8 ·
I tend to talk about dd's experiences only when it's pretty obvious what she's going through.

I don't talk about things being scary if she isn't showing any fear of them. But if she's crying to me saying bees are going to come out of the the heating vent to sting her, then I'll talk about how it's true that we have to be careful around bees, sometimes they will sting, but bees don't live in the house, "i'm sorry you're feeling scared..." etc.

If she falls over, clunks her head, and gets up without a peep, I don't even acknowledge it.
 
#9 ·
I am a big believer in "don't make a big deal" also. Too much talking sometimes is not a good thing. You need to give them time to figure out what they are feeling rather than telling them what they are feeling. Maybe they won't be able to verbalize it right away, but in time they will. You meant well, as well all do, but I think I would let her make more of her own interpretations too. Our main job is to love and cuddle them as they experience the world in their own way.
 
#10 ·
Well, it's not "too much talking." I think just as we label light switches, dogs, cups and flowers for our babies, we can and should label anger, fear, happiness and other emotions. I describe neutrally, being careful not to put my own interpretation on it. If she falls and was startled, I'll say lightly, "You fell! It startled you." She gives me this look like "Yeah!" and goes about her business.

It's not "projecting emotions" to describe what she's clearly experiencing but has no vocabulary for.

I just know, now (like kamilla learned) that when it's something overwhelming, she needs a little time to get some distance between her and the event before she's ready to process it via our onesided conversations.
 
#11 ·
I am in the "don't make a big deal about it" camp too. And I narrate and re-tell painful experiences. I don't think these two techniques are mutually exclusive!

I started doing both techniques because I noticed that my son was trying to re-create experiences, usually little owies. For example, once he moved his elbow against my ring in such a way that caused a scratch. He cried, got over it, and then went out of his way to get his elbow on my ring again, to understand what had happened. Would it happen again? Was my other ring ouchie? Why had it never hurt before? When this happened, he didn't have the language to begin to ask these questions.

If I tell him what happened, he is less likely to try to re-create it (and hurt himself again). This is especially important with head bumps! If I tell him that he bumped his head and that's why it hurt, then he is much less likely to bump it on purpose again. Also, he is learning the vocabulary to tell me what happened, and thereby process it better himself.

Yesterday he tumbled off a bench at the park and hit his head on a fence. I checked him over (no injuries, but it was scary) and held him close. He stopped crying and said, "Little P fell." "Yes," I said, "Little P fell. That was a surprise! I think you'll be OK soon." He cried a little more and we repeated this conversation, and then he cried again. Then we brushed off our hands (my standard "time to carry on" routine), and all was well.
 
#12 ·
Exactly, P-chan.

I thought of another example. The other night a glass got smashed on the kitchen floor. We thought we'd swept up all the shards, but apparently one sharp one flew way across the room. When DH set Dd down, she put her foot right on that shard
and immediately screamed and tried to climb back up him. I saw the blood on the floor, found the shard, and everything was OK -- for us.

Because we have the knowledge and experience to put the pieces together: The glass smashed. There was a piece left on the floor. Glass is sharp. Dd's foot landed on the sharp glass and it cut her. Dd didn't know any of this, all she knew was Daddy put her down and the floor, which had never done a thing like this before, bit her!

We made sure to narrate and explain, including how it must have startled her and it was owie but it would feel better soon.
 
#13 ·
The one time I made a point to NOT talk about ds's experience was after he had dental work under GA at age 3 1/2. I know that talking about things cements memories and I didn't want to cement one that might result in future anxieties about going to the dentist. I made a point to relate what happened to my mother when ds was not in the room. Ds remembers taking the yucky oral sedative and that's about it.
 
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