no seperation issues - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 07-17-2005, 01:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd is 13 months old. I stay at home with her so we spend a lot of time together. It just seems like sometimes she prefers others over me. She can't get enough of daddy when he comes home. I can understand this since he is gone all day, but I feel kind of rejected because she only wants him when he is home. Also, she loves it when people visit us during the day. However, when its time for them to go home she gets really upset and sometimes she doesnt want to come to me when they hand her over. While they are there she wants to play with them and doesn't pay much attention to me. I hear all this stuff about seperation anxiety and I just don't think my dd is experiencing that.. Granted we are not seperated very much, but still.. We do have our snuggly moments and she is very into me when its the two of us, but when other people are around she seems more interested in them. Have any of you experienced this? Am I doing something wrong? I practice attachment parenting and I thought this would make her more attached to me, but she is happy to wonder off and explore on her own and approach people with no problem.. I guess I am feeling insecure so any thoughts will help...

michelle
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#2 of 9 Old 07-17-2005, 04:11 PM
 
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Ahh, you have one secure little kiddo on your hands there, mama! I had (have) the same thing. Some children are just more independent than others earlier on, and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong - as someone said recently in a thread on the 'life with a babe' forum,

"Attachment parenting is about responding to your child's needs, not entertaining and interacting with them for every second of the day."

I really, really liked that sentiment. We're all individuals, with our own temperaments and personalities, needs and wants, and I've seen sometimes it's difficult/worrisome for APing parents to get their minds around the fact that their child might not *want* to be held or nearby 24/7. Babies and toddlers are still individuals, even though they're tiny, and can express their personalities just as well as any adult - it's our job as parents to respond to and respect them, even if they're different from us (I think ESPECIALLY if they're different from us).

My 17-mo DS has always been a pretty independent little guy, from day one. I have always just been there for him when he wants/needs me, and then just let him "be" when he wants to. He has never had separation anxiety either, and loves when other people come over to visit, too.

I used to feel bad about it, especially when he was younger and still nursing...my DH and I went to a wedding out of town, and my parents came with us to watch him at a hotel while we were at the wedding. I went to the hotel between the wedding and reception to nurse him, then we went back to the reception for a few hours.....it was the first time I had ever been away from him and he was about 8 months old. Basically, from what my parents described and from what I witnessed coming back into the hotel room the two times we did, he didn't even seem to notice I was gone, which kind of hurt.....but then I realized that it's just the way he's wired.

He's a happy, fun-loving, comical, inquisitive, bright, independent little guy. I know he loves me - I get "run by" hugs and kisses throughout the day, we snuggle at nap and night time, we snuggle and read together; if he's sleepy or hurt he comes to me...he "checks in" with me throughout the day, then goes along his merry way, though we do play together a lot, too...he just doesn't need me "right there" all the time with him. To this day, if others are visiting, I might as well just go in another room and have some "me" time... :LOL

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as you're responding to her cues, you're doing your "job" as an AP parent...she's not rejecting you, she's just maybe a little more independent than what is "normally" expected from a young one...

You are NOT alone!

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#3 of 9 Old 07-17-2005, 09:09 PM
 
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You haven't done anything wrong!! First, I think it is natural to get excited when someone "new" (even if it is daddy who hasn't been around all day) comes in the room. Second, I think the separation anxiety (or lack of) is just a temperment thing. One of my boys has had (continues to have) a very bad case of separation anxiety/only want mommy/clingy. It makes me feel good but I know it isn't me or our relationship--how? because of his brother! No separation anxiety there at all and we are just as close! That said, you daughter may go through that eventually--I think some kids hit it later than others and it peaks at 18 months. If she doesn't, though, don't take it personally (and there are some good things about that too--I can't even attempt to leave the room without Andrew for even a second )!!

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#4 of 9 Old 07-17-2005, 10:03 PM
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The others are right. You're doing fine, and it is just the temperment of your little one. You're responding to her just fine, she is very secure in knowing that you are around and available! In fact, could you have your daughter talk to my 19 month old? :LOL She is at the opposite end of the spectrum and I can barely go to the bathroom by myself when DH is home even!


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#5 of 9 Old 07-18-2005, 02:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everyone for responding. It realy makes me feel better to look at this as a temperament issue. I really love dd's personality. She is so outgoing and curious and funny and just fun and easy to be around. I guess I just wish that sometimes she was a little more needy of my attention when others are in the room.. That being said, I will make a point to celebrate her spirit and personality and enjoy her just the way she is!

michelle
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#6 of 9 Old 07-18-2005, 10:37 AM
 
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This is my DD, too. I can leave for 3-4 hours at a time (if I leave her with dada) and she barely notices I'm gone. I do get a hug when I come home, but anxiety? Hardly! I have days where I find it a little ouchy, but I try hard to remember that she has always been this way--it's just her nature. She is also not a child who wants a whole lot of holding or body contact.

Quote:
've seen sometimes it's difficult/worrisome for APing parents to get their minds around the fact that their child might not *want* to be held or nearby 24/7. Babies and toddlers are still individuals, even though they're tiny, and can express their personalities just as well as any adult - it's our job as parents to respond to and respect them, even if they're different from us (I think ESPECIALLY if they're different from us).

grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08

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#7 of 9 Old 07-18-2005, 10:57 AM
 
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DD was like that at 13 months. And for the most part is pretty self-sufficient. However we'll occasionally go through phases where I'm not allowed to do anything by myself and dd must be held the entire time. Spending 3 days only hearing "mommy, mommy, mommy" and dd screaming when daddy attempted to give mommy a break, I would say, enjoy it and be happy that you have a secure child right now. It could change and you'll be at the other end of the spectrum. Sort of what I've found with all things child and weather related, don't like the weather or your child's new habit? Just wait 10 minutes... :LOL
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#8 of 9 Old 07-18-2005, 05:17 PM
 
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my 15.5mth old ds just started asking for me when daddy is trying to put him to sleep. up until now, he's been happy with me or with daddy. now, i hear from the other room, "mommy, mommy!" it's funny because i've been through times of feeling the same way you do. dh laughs at me and thinks it's ridiculous (when i say ds doesn't love me as much...)

now he's learning to walk, and seems to feel like he needs me more at certain times- wants to make sure he's not getting too independent.

in the morning, every SINGLE morning, when it's time to wake up- as opposed to just nurse and go back to sleep, ds rolls over and says, "DADDY!!" i think it's great because dh gets to feel loved before going away to work out of the home all day. temperment is so different from one kid to another. i'm learning that too with mine.

Aspiring midwife-mama to 2 beautiful homebirthed boys ages 3 and 6...
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#9 of 9 Old 07-18-2005, 05:49 PM
 
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We had no separation anxiety with my ds until he was 2.75. It was quite a surprise!
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