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How do you explain death to a 2 year old

942 views 14 replies 13 participants last post by  Yo Becca 
#1 ·
One of our dogs has lung cancer and will not be lasting very much longer. I am not sure how to explain it to my dd. We don't go to church or do the god thing. My mother says we should tell her about heaven and leave out the god but I don't even know how to explain heaven.
 
#2 ·
First of all, you have my deepest sympathy. My dd was 2 when our old cat, Bud, died. We did not use any euphemsims, we just said that he died. Then we explained this meant that Bud had to go away and could never come back, but that he was happy and he wasn't sick anymore. Since then when she hears about people or animals dying, she says they are going to be with Bud.
We just tried to keep it simple and reassuring, and she seems to have handled it okay.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Peace,
Mary
 
#4 ·
I am so sorry you are going through this Mama
. Though it is obviously a very personal decision, I will tell you how we have explained death. We lost our dog Molly to kidney disease when dd had just turned 3. She had been very sick for a year and we were at the vet alot and tests etc. When it was time to let her go (dd was not there)we explained that she had died and had gone to heaven. She wasn't sick, or in pain, she was as happy as she could be and she accepted that very easily. My Gram (dd calls her Nanamom) and Uncle passed last winter and she frequently talks about them 'all in heaven together, and all around us too and we can't see them but we can feel them in our heart (memories), just like God'. Sometimes she talks about wanting to go to heaven to be wityh Molly and Nanamom, and I smile and tell her I miss them too, we talk about them quite a bit -esp my Gram, but I explain its not time for us to go there yet, we have lots to do each day and still so much growing and learning and fun to have but some day we will be all together again. She accepts that.
I was very short and to the point with an explaination , she was so very little and over time she has come with more questions and we go from there.

Wishing you peace and strength as you endure this loss, and help your dc to understand- Whatever you decide to tell her.

 
#6 ·
I was in the same position as you, with not being religious and not wanting to try to tell a religious-based story that I don't necessarily believe, so here is what I said to my two-year old, more or less:

Sometimes when people get very, very sick, or very, very old (two different deaths
to explain) their bodies don't get better. It's like when a crayon or piece of chalk breaks and it can't be fixed. Then the person doesn't live in their body anymore, like a house with nobody in it, and then their body is all gone. Even though we can't see them or touch them or hug them anymore, they still love us forever and we still love them forever. The love is the most important part and that will never change. It makes Mommy sad and you might be a little sad, too, but if we give each other hugs it will make us feel better.

ETA: I'm really sorry about your dog.
 
#7 ·
I don't think you really can. My grandmother died when dd was almost 2 and we told her she had to go to Heaven because she was too sick to stay with us. We told her Heaven is a beautiful place and Grama is happy there.
perhaps you could explain it like that.

ETA:
We also told her that Grama still loves us and misses us and some day we can go to Heaven and see her there but not for a long time.
 
#8 ·
We found out last wkd that my dh's grandfather, who just turned 90, has metastatic prostate cancer. We don't know how bad it is, but I think he probably won't be around much longer. DD (2.5 yo) just saw him last month, and loves him, and we've been trying to figure out how to tell her when the time comes.

So...I'm very sorry about your dog (we lost our dog to bone cancer 2 yrs ago & still miss him very much), and thank you for posting this question. The answers are very helpful.
 
#9 ·
We are in a similar situation and it's been good to read the post. My mother's cat died recently and she did most of the explaining, using christian reference. I had trouble with this a first but, then concluded that since it was her cat that she could explain death to the girls the way she is comfortable with. And to honest I wasn't prepared to explain my thoughts on the subject. I think it's hard when you don't have a simple answer yourself.
 
#10 ·
I agree with the heaven comments. We are not religious at all, but it was the only thing I felt would make sense to my two year old when my mom died this summer. He doesn't really understand death, nor do I really feel he should at this age--how scary for a two year old! He actually stopped asking about my mom before she died. She was so sick she really didn't want much company for a long time. So he didn't see her as much, and got more bonded to his Grandpa instead. He saw her two days before she died and he told her that he loved her though. Oddly, he never asked about her after she died til about a month later. He just said, "Where's Grandma?" I told him that she was very sick and had to go to heaven where she would feel better. He just said, "Oh" and that was the last I heard about it.

I thought it would be more of an issue for him because he was close to her for a long time--from birth to age 18 mos. she saw him often and babysat sometimes. How she loved him! But I guess in his little world 18 mos. to 2 years is a huge span of time, long enough for him to begin to forget her, or adjust to the notion of her not being around.

I do vote for keeping it simple and sheltering them somewhat. They don't need to be burdened like we are with the truth--a truth they cannot really understand anyway.

Hope this helps and I am sorry about your dog!
 
#11 ·
My maternal grandfather died when I was 2 1/2 years old. My mom and I were out christmas shopping all day. (it was right before Thanksgiving) My grandfather had been raking leaves that afternoon and had a heart attack. Everyone had been trying to call my mom all day to tell her that her father was in the hospital, by the time that we arrived back home he had already passed away. She dropped me off at a friends house and went to be with her mother and brothers. I was only 2 but I knew something was going on. She picked me up later that night and we sat in the car, it was a full moon. I remember her telling me that papa had died and he was in heaven. She pointed to the moon and said that whenever I needed to talk to him or "be" with him to look at the moon and remember him. Through out my entire childhood everytime I saw a full moon I thought of him. Sometimes when I missed him I would talk to him and stare at the full moon. It has always been a symbol of him, to this day everytime I see a full moon I believe he is watching over me. Thank you mom!


I think that explaination gave me something physical to hold on to even though he was not physically with me.

Good luck, I know that when the time comes you will know in your heart what to say to your child.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by baby*by*the*sea
She pointed to the moon and said that whenever I needed to talk to him or "be" with him to look at the moon and remember him. Through out my entire childhood everytime I saw a full moon I thought of him. Sometimes when I missed him I would talk to him and stare at the full moon. It has always been a symbol of him, to this day everytime I see a full moon I believe he is watching over me. Thank you mom!


I think that explaination gave me something physical to hold on to even though he was not physically with me.

Good luck, I know that when the time comes you will know in your heart what to say to your child.
That is so beautiful and touching. I thought about telling DS something similar about the stars but to be honest I am afraid I will start crying. Maybe if he asks again....
 
#13 ·
I'm not with you guys on the Heaven thing - and since the original poster is not into "god" such replies as fire_lady's are probably not very useful. As for our kids, I don't want to tell them one thing - a fairy tale about "heaven" - when they are little and then have to admit later that we were trying to fob something off on them that we ourselves do not believe in.

The question is how explain the loss and the permanence of that loss to a toddler in a way that eases sorrow and still allows a connection with the lost one (even if this is just on our own minds.)

I like the moon story a lot. After we lost my sister last summer, her ashes were scattered into water. I remember my brother-in-law's words, "all waters run together" and I have been to a body of water near us in order to "visit" (remember) her, and to feed her. Our son has gone with me to put walnuts from our trees, roses from our garden, and a little bit of homemade jam into the water. Perhaps this seems like absurd advice coming from an atheist, but I lived in Taiwan for a year, and their habit of offering food, cigarettes and incense to the dead seemed to make a lot of sense. After all, when someone is gone, part of what you most regret is that you can no longer take care of them, and offering something helps soothe that wound.
 
#14 ·
I think Blue had an excellent way of putting it, for the non-religious option. When my mother died of cancer this May, P was nearly two and I waited a few weeks before I could really talk to him about it. I was fortunate, though, and had a friend of the family who works in hospice talk to him with me. Even for a new two, he seemed to respond to our quiet and serious voices and understood that Oma had been very sick and died, but that we miss her very much and that she loves us very much. He still recognizes her in photographs, but he hasn't asked where she is.

This was even more difficult for us because at the time (and still!
) my DH was in Iraq and I didn't want him to think that DH wasn't coming back. I think it took a bit of figuring out in his head, but it seems to have worked in the end. Either way, no fun... so the best of luck to you.
 
#15 ·
WHen my grandmother in law passed away this past spring, My SIL did a really goo djob helping my neice, who was 2, understand it - they saw each other weekly and were very close (they share the same name), so it was a hard situation. Especially since there was an open-casket funeral. When Martha got very sick, SIl started preparing her for it and takin gher to see Martha in the hospital - expalining that she was weak and very sick, but wanted to see my neice and get sweet hugs and kisses. WHen she died, SIL told my neice that martha had passed away - that meant that she was going to go to sleep, and sleep for a long time, then she would wake up in heaven and be happy. The long sleep helped her understand the funeral and visitation - We saw Martha's body, but she was sleeping and would wake up again in heaven and would feel healthy and happy. My neice was able to say goodbye and put a picture in the casket, so that Martha could have things to remember us when she wakes up.

My neice was never traumatized and still remembers Martha and that she said goodbye to her

If you don't want to mention heaven, it might be good to come up with somewhere that your dog/family member can wake up to ( like the moon or stars) or take the approach that her body is sleeping , but hre soul lives on, if you believe that

If you don't personally believe in heaven, I don't necessarily agree that using it as a metaphor to help your child cope with loss is "fobbing something off" on him/her. Your priority has to be helping your child deal with and understand this loss in a way that is healthy - there's lots of ways to do that, but you have to find one that will work for your child. In the long run, your two year old will probably only remember whether the event was traumatizing or not
 
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