Forgive me if I am pointing out the obvious but it seems like you are isolated and lonely. I moved from Seattle to Texas (not Austin) when my baby was 4 months old and it has been a struggle for me to meet people as a WAHM but that was something I just needed to do to keep from losing it. Let me suggest that you give the "older", married moms a try. Most of us can remember what 22 was like and all of us know what having a child is like so we could be valuable resources for you. Even if the moms aren't the "perfect fit" on paper, a playgroup is not a marriage so you can get out at any time and in the meantime you will get that all valuable adult interaction time even if it is spent talking about poopy diapers. I know that it might be hard inserting yourself into groups you are not usually comfortable with, just find a good manra, take a deep breath and do it. -Easier said then done, I know.
For me, I met a neighbor with a child 4 months older then my daughter. Her daughter is a spirited child where mine is more laid back but they love playing together (as much as 13 and 17 month olds do). Although we are the same age, I am a liberal, atheist, non-spanking, married heathen and she is a fundementalist Christian, occasionally spanking, single bible-person. Since we live so close together, we see eachother almost every day and we argue about childrearing. I highly recommend finding a neighbor, even one that is the exact opposite of you, to visit with even for a few minutes every day. Seeing another adult human being on a daily basis is completely underrated.
I don't know if you are religious but the south (read: bible-rific places) they have "mother's day out" programs. I had never heard of them before I moved to Texas but it is basically a daycare at a church for cheap two days a week (about 7 hours total). I have never taken dd because I have become a militant atheist since moving but every other SAHM does, it seems.
Another option is calling your local community center to see if there are any parenting support groups. The community center where I took prenatal yoga also housed PEPS (pepsgroup.org), which on the face of it looks like a good group.
Last but not least, if you will be in Seattle at the end of the month, let me know and I will hug you in person. I am jumping for joy at the prospect of seeing friends and having family babysit. At this point, I would rather go to Seattle where I spent most of my life then an all-expenses paid trip to Europe because the people connections are just that important.
Originally Posted by cmlp
Well, it sounds like she needs more sleep. If she got more sleep, she could be happy all day long and not just in the morning. Does she have a schedule?I found that instilling a routine consisting of a very early lunch (11:30) followed immediately by a nap at around noon made a huge difference. Also, bedtime very early. We are talking 7PM. This also gives me time to myself in the evening and keeps me sane and I think that an early bedtime is much more in keeping with a toddler's natural rhythm.
I also second or third the mother's helper idea. I have a 10yr old, so I can say that they are bought out very cheap but can do SO many things. Plus your child would no doubt love to spend time with a girl of that age. Perhaps you could find a homeschooled child near you who has some time she could spend at your house a few days a week.
Originally Posted by wednesday
pigpokey, I see from your post count and join date that you are fairly new...do you realize this site promotes Attachment Parenting (AP)?
|The technique you are describing is essentially blanket-training and not at all an AP approach. It suggests that this child is simply poorly disciplined.|
|Why "wait two weeks" to try to see if allergies are a problem?|
|A pretty basic tenet of AP philosophy is that children don't "misbehave" for no reason. Sounds like this child is very unhappy.|
My son is 15 months old and threw a tantrum the other day because it was too cold and rainy and I locked the back door so he could not go play with his basketball hoop. Welcome to reality, kid. He is well attached, well nursed, slept with, adored, clean, loved, and cherished, and no one has cut off his foreskin. But that doesn't mean I have to end all productivity to help ease his unhappiness when the issue is that he wants to play with the basketball hoop and I don't want him to. He knows where I am. I'm right there in the kitchen. He's not six months old. He can understand the source of his discomfort in that instance. He needs to let go of the small dream of playing basketball right then. He's old enough to contemplate pleasant future basketball games and go get on with his childhood.
|I would really want to figure out what is making her so unhappy rather than try to train her to tolerate being ignored in her unhappiness.|
I wanted to say that whining can drive any sane mother insane - it really is a terrible thing
however, I don't think that your daughter is doing this to intentionally 'get at you' in the way that you maybe feel when you wrote that you believe 'she can't stand you doing anything for yourself'
really she is just being 3 and 3 year olds have periods of insecurity and periods when they just have to test their mammas and push them to the edge ....
I agree with all that has been said about getting more out of your ex and maybe asking for more from his sister too - you do need the break and time to yourself...
also, try to head off the whining episodes a bit - some ideas might be - before you start cooking put on some children's music for her and set her up with crayons or a small snack, or try to involve her in the cooking - can she wash/play with potatoes in the sink or put/play with pasta in the saucepan, or wash lettuce or salad ?
or with cleaning, does she have a little brush or cleaning sponge of her own so that she can play/clean alongside you ??
thinking of small ways that she can feel involved but at the same time not really interfere with your main task might help her feel more included....
|Huh? Can you elaborate please? How would seeing her father more equate with her being less agitated?|
Originally Posted by Wolfmeis
To simplify what I think she's saying, "She misses her Dad." She's acting out because she misses her Dad.
I don't think it has to be "keep the family together" and all that, but if the Dad is acting like a babysitter-with-more-authority, then he's doing almost worse for Kirei and her dd than just being gone altogether.
The baby needs a relationship with her father, so that when she sees him, it's seeing HIM instead of being AWAY from Mommy.
Originally Posted by afishwithabike
Thank you for seeing the nature of my post. I have a horrible relationship with my Dad and it has caused a lot of external issues in my life. The biggest being trust issues. NOT feeling loved because I was rejected at a young age. Looking for LOVE in ALL the wrong places if you will. I had NO idea my post would get so twisted out of context. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. In short Dad NEEDS to get over himself and become a better Dad with less whining about the child's behavior.
Former wearing, ing, pole dancing, pushing, survivor & single mama extraordinaire to .
Now that's a mouthful!!!
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Originally Posted by kirei
I love her but I don't like her.
I'm posting because I need help.
I'm a single mom.
I dream about putting dd up for adoption.
I can't live like this much longer. Something has to change and I don't know what. I just can't do this.
WHY did fate put this cranky, unhappy, high-needs baby with a single mama that has pretty much NO help??
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Just be true to yourself and make yourself really make the change. Don't stay in this rut because it will end up hurting the baby and hurting you. Don't be a martyr!
I am a single mom to a special needs child who is now 4, but she was once 2, and it has been hell enough for me to sit on my couch and say out loud, I can't do this, I have to put this baby up for adoption. I have felt deeply before that I was doing her a disservice keeping her with me when my resources and sanity were stretched so thin. Some days I still want to pack it all in and flee to a different reality.
But I can promise you if you commit to change it can get better and you can raise your child. You cannot do it without a support system of child care. That has to be child care for you to take time off and not just to go to work every day. Day care isn't the ideal, but if that keeps you from abandoning her or walking in front of a bus, then do it for a couple of hours day.
If your family is supportive I would immediately move back east. I haven no family so I am truly on my own. If I had some I would have moved home two years ago.
You are not a bad mama. We have to invest time in ourselves or we shrivel to hateful wads of misery.
I haven't read this whole thread, so I hope I haven't repeated everyone words.
A couple of pieces of advice from BTDT:
If you are drinking or taking any kind of drugs for relief, please stop. Get help from a support group to do so. I found as hard as it was to stop my life and my fuse got 100% better when I stopped drinking and smoking pot.
If you are spiritual, go to spirit, or god or whatever the higher power of your understanding is and really dig into that resource, there wil lbe miracles.
GET CHILD CARE.
NEVER SPANK. It will do nothing but inflict permanent psychological scars on her and make you miserable... just make that committment: no physical force.
You will go insane without childcare. You must do whatever you can to get time every day for yourself within reason.
I will send light your way, I have so been there.
#1 - forget about managing what the father will or won't do! You can't make him change or so anything - save your energy for you! Understand he's useless, at least right now. Move onto problem solving you actually CAN DO.
#2 YWCA is a great resource idea, I got it into my head once I was going to work out and get hot - what a laugh - but it was prediagnosis and dc went to YWCA chilcare senter for 90 minutes while I exercised and took a nice long interrupted (unless she pooped or needed feeding) shower.
They don't change dipes there.
#3 - You are in a fairly big city... is there no LA Leche League there? If you find one - get to it! those mamas get together and they would reach out to you.
Great idea though - until you get the child care thing sorted out - go to the Y every morning for a little break and she will have other kids to play with!
Love & Light
This google link takes you to but one of the many YMCA's in Portland which emphasizes on their home page thy have financial assistance for those who cannot afford full program fees - all YMCA's do!
there are a bunch more centers if this one if not close enough to you -Just google Portland YMCA's and they pop right up.
You won't be able to leave the center while dd is in care - but you can get some time to yourself to take care of yourself.
Let us know how it goes!
I too have a high needs demanding toddler. She is 30 months old now and it has gotten better but at times I still feel like someone is My dd has a sensitivity to cows milk and she craves it like nothing else. She actually has behavior changes with milk, constant runny nose, dark circles under her eyes and sometimes even stomache upset. Yet she really really really likes cows milk. If you are going to cut anything out I would start with wheat even from your diet. It is such a common allergin.
I would also if at all possible try and find a sliding fee scale mental health professional and get evaluated for depression. If you do have depression and you have gone through a heck of a lot getting it treated would do a world of good.
Third I would definately call your local LLL and start going to meetings. Usually there are different types of parents there. It may feel overwhelming but one step leads to another and before you know it you are there.
Lastly, I empathize with your feelings about wanting to pull away from your dd. Sometimes I feel that way with my 30 month old when she is screaming so loud for the 30th time that evening it is hurting my ears because she was told that we don't hit. But we have found that the more you pull away the more the behavior increases. It isn't because you are doing something for yourself she is doing this behavior, she has no clue you are doing something for yourself, it is just she doesn't have another way to act. Could you 2 go to the beautiful mountains, parks, waterfalls around you and breath some fresh air and let her run and play burn off some of that energy and possibly refresh you too? My dd at that age was so frustrated she couldn't verbalize all that she wanted us to know so she was a very whiny, angry sad little girl until we figured out that helping her to say what she wanted help cut the frustration level down for her.
Well, there are my suggestions. I hope from all the mamas who posted here you may be able to glean something that works for you good luck.
A couple of new things I am going to try: Bach Flower therapy(for both of us). Babysitting swaps where other children are involved. He loves being outdoors so I am getting outdoor play stuff to distract him while I try to eat, etc. A backpack carrier.
I cannot resort to daycare, I just don't like leaving children crying for too long and I know that a friend of mine went to a gym, left her son in the kiddie care so she could work out and then came back to get him and found he had been crying for a long time with a runny nose.
I will also read through the posts and see what works and if I find other suggestions, I will post again.
Thanks to all who responded.
Hang in there. Later on she will appreciate and be a more secure individual for what you are doing.
I think more sleep may be an issue too. My 28 month old still needs 13-14 hours minimum, a day, in order to be a happy camper. Look at the library for a book called 'the spirited child' I love this book. Can you work in a garden or other outdoor activity? My son loves to find 'slimeys' aka worms in the dirt. that is hours of time for us. I try to have as few toys outside so that he is more focused on what we are doing.
My dh was deployed from ds's 4th through 20th month, what I found I HAD to do every once in a great while was, take a shower, even if he sat in a pack and play and screamed for 5-10 minutes. He was OK, not happy, actually REALLY ticked off, but I got a shower, got clean and that helped my sanity. I know the whole AP thing, and this may get me flamed, so what. Kids can cry, if they have been attended to and aren't needing anything, if it will help your sanity, she won't be scarred for life to be upset for a few moments ( I had to let this happen with ds only a handful of times, while dh was deployed, but it made a world of difference in MY ATTITUDE towards my son).
One of the coping techniques I also used was to take a very deep breath, at the moments that ds was most clingy and I wanted to run the other direction, and say 'ok what do we need to do?' Then I would look at ds and see his reaction. Maybe it was we needed to make pancakes at 3 pm and he needed to mix everything together. Or he needed to 'peel' the carrots, I give him a super small camping wisk that he 'peels' food with. Or we needed to just sit and have cuddle time.
Another technique I started when ds was about 20 months was to institute the 'whining' area. I say to him that he is entitled to whine, but we have a place to do that (outside or his room). That way he still can express his frustration and communicate, but the whining (which I personally cannot deal with) cannot be done in the family area. He understands that now completely and when he starts to get whiny (which is resultingly rare) he marches himself to his room and will climb into his chair or bed and grunt and throw a fit, then about 5-45 seconds later come out and tell me he feels better. Probably every other time I go with him and we talk out what the whine is for. It has been a SANITY saver in our home.
Good luck and keep us posted as to what is working for you!
Mama to Max 9, Neva 7, & Esme 4 and Julius 2.
first of all. BIG HUGS!
Morgan actually asked me when we saw you at Sat mkt if i knew what was going on with you cause you looks so... detatched and upset.
i want to help you if you will let me.
you can bring her here for a few hours on the weekends. or for a few hours after our nap time. i dont mind watching her an hour everyday if you need it. and i can do 2-3 hours on weekends. PM me and let me know, and if you cant afford to pay me with cash then maybe we could barter a service of some kind.
i dont know if you looked into the YWCA or the YMCA yet, but those are also good resources.
also. at 16 months toddlers are going through another seperation anxiety phase. i second a pp's advice on either getting a book or taking a class on childhood development. especially in the toddler years. its REALLY hard to accept and understand whats going on with our kids if we have no clue where their development if leading them to next. and without understanding comes resentment.
now i might get flamed for saying what i am about to say, and i dont intend it maliciously at all. just offering my own two cents.
if you think about giving her up for adoption for real, why not look into your options on open adoption? if its just a fleeting thought. please disregard that comment. but if it really is something you truely do consider to be an option in your heart, then you owe it to yourself and your dd to at least look into it.
if you need a shoulder, or an ear, or just a strong cup of tea, i am here.
also, at16 months she should be getting lots of breastmilk still (which you are giving her) but also she should be sampling a variety of foods by now and having regular meals. even if they are small meals.
routine can help kids alot. maybe try setting up a schedule with wake up, get mama milk, get ready for the day, have a small breakfast(for her, regular breakfast for you) do some playtime in the yard, or some coloring with crayons, or painting, or clay time, something to hol her interest, then a down time, some snuggles, then a small lunch, a nap time, some after nap snuggles, an activity, a small snack, a "mommys helper" activity, where she helps you to do whatever it is you need to do around the house, like give her a cloth and ask her to wipe the front of the fridge or dishwasher etc while you cook, or give her a small hand broom and dust pan and ask her to "clean" the floor. of course she isnt going to clean it, but alot of toddlers love to help out. then a bit of dinner, some reading time, and bedtime routine ie: bath, massage, nursies, whatever you guys do to get ready for bed.
i used to play it by ear with Addy, then at about 15 months or so i noticed that she was setting her own schedule, so i read her cues, and wrote myself a tentative daily schedule, that included things *I* needed to get done, like cooking, or dishes or laundry, and things she needed to get done too, like naping, meals, play time, snuggle time.
and once she started sleeping more she got less cranky. now when she doesnt get enough sleep she is a booger!!!! and i feel like pulling my hair out.
if you need anything let me know.
Living with an invisible chronic illness.
Fat and hairy. And happy with both *( o Y o )*
Also, this paragraph reallly stuck out at me.
Originally Posted by kirei
I'm at the point where I know she wants my attention, but it feels like she wants it ALL the time and I feel like I am always "running away" from her, desperate to get time to myself (but since I never properly get it, I'm ALWAYS wanting it). I do try to tell myself that she needs my attention... its just so hard to give it when I'm burned out. I feel I could respond to better if I get a break, of course.
Once I KNOW for certain that HIS tank is full, it seems to be easier to let him know that now I need some mama time.
The last thing is that, you have to remember, like all things, this too will pass. With my ds, it really helped when he became more verbal. And heck, now that's he's over three, he can actually sit and play by himself for 15 minutes at a time, or so. Being the high-needs kid that he is, that's still not as much as many of the other kids his age, but it's enough to let me take a shower, or make dinner, or just sit and relax for a little while.
All the best to you,
I was a single mom until my daughter was 12. It was, in it's own way, easier to be single. I had only my daughter to focus on. When her Dad was around, he was more work than the baby.
I COMPLETELY feel for you.
I don't have any magic answers for you. My only thought is to try to get a copy of "The out of sync child" and read through that. It may have nothing at all to do with your daughter....but it may be that your daughter has a sensory disorder. That means that a child with a sensory problem may overreact to something that we think is normal. Sound bothers them more, the way certain things feel bother them more. Movement bothers them. Adults see it as the child is rude or bratty, when it's really that they are very sensitive to things.
This would be the kid who HATES sleeves, or flips out during fireworks. SHe cannot bear to have the ends of her socks touching her toes. That kind of thing. Of course normal kids with normal sensory integration STILL act like this to a point. (Mine was a PITA about clothes) but, the kids with issues are over the top.
Anyway. I know that is not much help for how you are feeling. I wish I could offer more help. I really understand how you feel though. JUST ONE DAY of shopping (guilt and worry free) would feel wonderful wouldn't it?
also as i was saying what i was gonna post:
it seems to me from what i have read is that you just need some time off, to do your thing. you do love/like your daughter and i can see that. heck i myself have gone through the same thing with the kids iwork with (aka my kids ) and the ones i do work wtih when they get overly fussy and dont know what to do. but i just remind myself of the times that have come and will when they just come to you for support and attention, not all kids are perfect, and how they look up to you.
also is it possible to tell your ex: "shes your daughter too, and she does need you in her life just as much as she needs me in her life" pretty much tell him to man up? sorry if i sound harsh.
so sorry if i sound harsh, or just plain dumb/ignorant. leme know if i am. and ill try again.
Originally Posted by laylaybabymama
well at least you have three hrs i dont get three mins im a singel mom my self anh has far has your baby you need to try and let her cry sit next to her tell her what you are doing it wont right away ex when you make dinner have her in her chair and play with some small pots and pans make belives she is cooking with you also when you eat do it together she might feel left out if and also make things fun not job i know it you cant keep picking her up every time she cry thats what is exs
I wanted to say a few things. There was a post somewhere back about having your ex pay for half of daycare. Take him to court! He should have regular visitation arrangements with his daughter. That may mean taking her every other weekend or something. You need for him to have court-ordered visitation. You also need to have court-ordered child support arrangements which should include that he pay for half of any daycare and also that he cover her insurance if he is employed and has benefits.
Now, in the event that he is too much of an ass for you to feel comfortable leaving her with him for very long, than definately the YMCA or something like that. Also, have you looked into returning to school? Many community colleges have daycare on-site and if you qualify for financial aid, than you can usually recieve childcare assistance as well. Because the childcare is usually used to help teach some of the students, alot of the programs are pretty good. For instance, one of our local community colleges has a reggio-emelia approach. Also, if you qualify for aid, you can usually qualify for grants to help pay for living expenses. Just an idea as an alternative.