How old was your toddler when spent the night away? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 08-26-2006, 11:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My MIL is really pushing for my 2.75yo to stay over night with her. It seems so stupid to me (and I've said that, but nicely ) because she lives about 3 blocks away, sees DD all the time and there's no NEED for DD to stay over there. MIL equates Elizabeth not wanting to leave her house with Elizabeth wanting to stay the night (just because it might be late at night when we're having the "discussion") She doesn't like to see Elizabeth cry which she does when she has to leave Grandma's but that doesn't mean that she understands what "spending the night" means- I think she just doesn't want to leave.

MIL is pressuring DH because she says that when the new baby comes, DD will need to be away from Mommy for a couple of nights. I told MIL that DD would then be spending the time with Daddy (or possibly someone else) at OUR house if she can't stay at the hospital. Why would I make her stay at someone else's house?

Oh, did I mention that DD still nurses? Yeah, I think that's part of MIL idea- a way to get DD to wean because she always makes comments to that effect. Also, I think MIL has a mistaken view of how old her kids were when they stayed at someone else's house just for "fun".

Fortunately, I think I have my DH on my side on this one.

Anyway, how old were your kids when you let them/ they wanted to spend the night at someone else's house (and actuall managed to)?
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#2 of 23 Old 08-26-2006, 11:42 PM
 
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Emma's first night away from us was when she was 6 months old. We went to a wedding out of town and felt she would be better with my inlaws for the night then going on a 3 hour car ride and then spending the night with a stranger...
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#3 of 23 Old 08-26-2006, 11:49 PM
 
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DS (2) has never spent a night not in our house. However my mom has stayed with him here twice. Once when he was about 1 1/2 and one when I had DD, when he was 21 months old. Both times she slept with him, and he did great. Of course, he knows her like a second mother, and she's totally AP. I trust her like my DH, and she's my closest friend besides him.

DS would probably do OK staying the night at her place, but we've never done that. If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. I'd say under 3 or 4 and they don't really get it, or "want" to spend a night away, anyway...

I agree, your DD will be way more comfortable at your place with someone, rather than at someone else's house, when you have the baby.

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#4 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 10:20 AM
 
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Well, my ds is 27 months old and has never really spent the night away. (The primary reason being he is still nursing) There have been a couple of instances where I've left after he's gone to bed and returned before he woke up, but he was in his own bed...

In December, he'll begin overnight with his dad, so before then we are going to have a trial run at his nana's house. But I just don't really see a need to overnights at someone else's house.

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#5 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 10:34 AM
 
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I know your question was about when toddlers spent the night away but I thought you might like to hear from someone who hasn't done it too.My gal is 21 months and has never spent the night away from me.If you're not comfortable with it then don't do it.It doesn't matter what you MIL says. She's your daughter and you know what's best.You don't even have to get into it with her you can just smile and say no thank you.

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#6 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 11:34 AM
 
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Nathan has spent 2 night away and that was when he was 14 months old. DH and I went on a bday weekend drip to NYC ( from MD) and my sister kept him. I called like 5x a day LOL. There has been no other reason for him to stay away. When he gets old enough to ask they he can have sleep overs.

Jeana Christian momma to 4 sons Logan 18, Connor 15, Nathan 6, and bonus baby Jack 1
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#7 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 12:04 PM
 
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If you MIL has some motive (like weaning) for pressuring you to send your dd to her overnight, I absolutely wouldn't do it. I don't even know that I'd be comfortable leaving my dd alone with someone who was negative about breastfeeding...what if your MIL started saying things to her about being too old to nurse or something and you weren't there? Yikes. That wouldn't fly with me.

And to answer your question, dd hasn't spent the night away from us. When her little brother was born a couple of months ago, she stayed with SIL during the birth and then stayed at the hospital with dh, me, and the new baby. We decided to make the hospital stay short (everyone was healthy, or else we would have reconsidered), and left after 24 hours so we could all be at home. So you wouldn't necessarily have to be away from your babe for even one night, let alone several nights. You sound like you're not comfortable with your dd being gone overnight. That's a mama instinct and you should trust that.
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#8 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 12:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turtlemama77
If you MIL has some motive (like weaning) for pressuring you to send your dd to her overnight, I absolutely wouldn't do it. I don't even know that I'd be comfortable leaving my dd alone with someone who was negative about breastfeeding...what if your MIL started saying things to her about being too old to nurse or something and you weren't there? Yikes. That wouldn't fly with me.
I totally agree. Neither ds has ever spent a night away from me. Maybe around 4.5/5 when they can fully articulate what they want/need to both the grandma & myself.

One of my main concerns is that both mil & my mother are not fully supportive of extended nursing nor fully respecting my children's feelings/needs. Oh - they are nice enough, but if it's midnight & the child is crying, I don't fully trust that either would call dh/I to come pick up them up. So it won't be happening anytime soon.

Maybe your dd is just having transition problems because it's late & she's tired? That happens w/ds's a lot.

Good luck & trust your instincts!
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#9 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 12:22 PM
 
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DS is 23 months and has never spent the night away from both DH and me. I've spent one overnight with girlfriends that he stayed home with DH. DH's parents keep bugging us about overnights too, but they've never even kept DS alone at all -- in fact, he's never even been to their house. My standard response is that when DS is old enough to tell us -- and know what it means -- that he wants to go with someone, then he can go.
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#10 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 05:02 PM
 
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My son was 2.5 when he first spent the night at Grandma's. Reunion out of town, and just no way to get back at a decent hour to pick him up and not disturb their sleep. Worked out fine. I am thinking of doing it again. He spends LOTS of time with grandma and is totally comfortable. I never felt that she was trying to undermine our nursing relationship.
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#11 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 05:35 PM
 
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DD is 3.5 and has never spent the night away. She can when she asks to (on her own, not with someone coaching her) and is fully able to understand "spending the night away". My mom lives a mile away, dd adores her, but she has never asked for dd to spend the night. I think she knows I wouldn't let her, there will be plenty of times for dd to spend the night when she gets older.

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#12 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 06:19 PM
 
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My oldest is four and a half and she (nor any of her siblings) has EVER spent a night away from me. She still wakes a lot in the night, looking for hugs and snuggles and there is no way I'd put her in a position of being scared because I wasn't there. She's not ready (neither are any of my other kids) and I'm not ready either.

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#13 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 07:12 PM
 
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The first time was when DD was 3 months, we left her with MIL
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#14 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 07:34 PM
 
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DD has never been away from either one of DH or I over night, though when we visit my parents place we stay for a while at a time and I have left for the evening and not slept in the bed with her as my mum was there instead.
She's 30 months old, and I don't see it happening anytime soon. But DH and I take turns alot so that's not to say that I haven't spent a night away from her, I think there have been four nights total.

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#15 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 07:46 PM
 
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My DD was 3 when she asked to stay with my parents in their RV (they are full timers). I was a wreck when we left her and I seriously considered going back to get her, but I didn't because I knew she would have a good time with my parents. The next day DD was so excited and asking to sleep over again soon--she had such a great time and didn't miss me one bit! Of course it helped that my mom let her sleep with them and hold my mom's hair while she slept. Now DD is 5 and she suggests sleepovers all the time with friends she meets, but I have yet to let her stay with a friend--maybe someday.

If your MIL is offering because she wants to help your DD wean--that's not cool! But, maybe she is offering because she thinks it would be fun for her and your DD. I have very fond memories of staying over with my grandma as does my DH. Is your DD still nursing at night? Would MIL allow her to co-sleep? If she isn't nursing at night I don't understand what the big deal would be unless you are just uncomfortable with the idea.

Barbara:  an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.

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#16 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 08:38 PM
 
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Dd is 2y4m and has never spent the night away from me. She still nurses. On two occasions, my mom has been able to put her to sleep. Once because dh adn I both had to go to an emergency daycare meeting and once when we went out for our anniversary.

You mentioned that your MIL's stated intentions are to "help" her prepare for the birth of a sibling. Maybe it would help if you filled her in on your plan to have your dd stay at home with dh/some one else. This would put an end to that string of logic.

Good luck navigating......MILs are tricky!

Happy Mommy to one amazing girl (6y) and one sweet boy (2y), and wife to DH since 7/03 : :
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#17 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 08:55 PM
 
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I get the feeling that ya'll think staying at g-mas is a bad thing. or staying the night is so wrong??? My son still nurses and he's stayed at Gmas once and shes been here a few times to stay the night. He adores his gammy. When he awoke and I wasnt there he was just fine with it b/c Gammy was there. He at breakfast like a big boy and mommy came to get him shortly after. Ofcourse, when I picked him up he wanted ninny, but he didnt act like he had been traumatized without it.
No I didnt go out of town, just wanted to stay out late. I'm only human. And I think if you mil is a good person and they have a good connection, why not. If you are concerned with it messing with the nursing..I understand, and must say i have been very lucky with ds. Anyway, I just wanted to post b/c reading all the pp's I started to feel like ya'll thought that it was wrong. I certainly dont.
p.s- ya'll is you all (for all you yankees ) just kidding
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#18 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 08:59 PM
 
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21 months but Angelo is no longer nursing (I am pregnant and he didn't like the milk or there wasn't any )

NO ONE should pressure you! You can do it when and if you are ready.


Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#19 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 09:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all the insight.

Yes, DD still nurses to sleep and has only ever fallen asleep without bm (car doesn't count) about 2 times in her entire life. I think one of my biggest concerns is that she will get to a point and want me and since MIL thinks that she shouldn't have to nurse to sleep, I wouldn't get called. Just the idea that I wouldn't get called makes me so crazy, that I get anxious at the thought. I"ve had cases in the past with caregivers who had good intentions but even after I asked to be called if DD was completely distraught, I get home and find out that she was a wreck the whole time I was gone. I've almost never had anythign to do that was so important that I couldn't have come home- like I said, the people thought they were doing me a favor by not calling but now I'm paranoid about leaving her anywhere and not getting called. I don't worry as much about during the day because even though she might get cranky aroudn nap time, she can still make it the whole day without me.

I feel like she will get to the stage soon enough where she can make it the evening without me too. She is already sleepign though the night without bfing and eventually she'll fall asleep without it too. I just think it's kind of being rushed. I know that many mainstream people around me think that we should have left her a long time ago for "us" time and that it's terrible that she still gets nursed to sleep.
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#20 of 23 Old 08-27-2006, 10:20 PM
 
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My son is 3 1/2 and has never spent a night away from me. I'm hoping that time won't come for a LONG time.
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#21 of 23 Old 08-28-2006, 12:28 AM
 
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My kids still haven't done it and the oldest is 5 1/2! I also have a 2 1/2 yo & 5 month old twins. My mom is the same way. She really wants the girls to spend the night at her house even though she lives 5 minutes away. She even has a room setup in her house for them (with their names spelled out in cute letters on the dresser, etc.). It bugs me! I also see no need for it and have a couple reservations about letting them stay there. One, they'd stay in a room at the top of a long flight of stairs and even though there's a gate I don't trust my 2 1/2 yo dd not to try to climb over it if she really wanted to go downstairs to where my parents sleep. And two, I'm crazy paranoid about molestation. I don't trust anyone - not even my parents. They don't know that though so it makes the issue uncomfortable for me to discuss with them (why I won't let them spend the night). For now I just tell them that it's unnecessary.

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#22 of 23 Old 08-28-2006, 05:48 PM
 
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oooh, I have a feeling that I 'might' get jumped on for this. But my son spent his first night away from me when he was a few weeks old at his Nana and Grandads house. He's been going down there every fortnight for over 2 years.

He's never had any issue with being separated from me, in fact, when he's put into the carseat in Grandad's car, he usually looks at me with a 'Yeah, you can go inside now Mum, buh bye, go away, I'm off in Grandad's car, I luuuurve Grandad's car'

He's surrounded by two Grandparents, his older brother (from Dad's previous relationship) Dad, three Aunties and one Uncle, so he's never starved of love and affection. And that night away gives me the chance to re-charge my batteries and devote some time to 'me' things
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#23 of 23 Old 08-28-2006, 05:52 PM
 
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My dd spent the night away starting at 6 weeks because I worked 6 hours during the night. I nursed her, layed her down and went to work. If need be my mom gave her a bottle while I was gone. She still spend 2-3 nights a month w/ my parents and she LOVES it. They have the best time and me and dh get some non-toddler time which is nice seeing that we started dating after dd was born.

My MIL took dd for the first time over night 2 weeks ago and it went really well. The only issue is that she was totally spoiled while there. SHe got to go to bed whenever she wanted and got to play w. anythign she wanted. But oh well they had a great time.
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