~~~~May 2004 Mamas ~~~~ Feelin' Thankful it's November ~~~~ - Page 9 - Mothering Forums

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#241 of 380 Old 11-18-2006, 11:19 PM
 
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megan: wishing you a quiet and peaceful thanksgiving weekend once your husband gets home after the extended trip... and was the crazy expensive airfare even with a death in the family allowance? you can tell the airlines your travel is for a death in the family and provide them with a note of some sort and they will give you a more reasonable fare. that's crazy expensive, so that's why i'm asking, just in case you didn't know they did that.

fiddle: your fitting a FTM for a diaphragm hypothetical story cracked me up. you doing t-day up with your fam?

having wine with dinner tonight. or perhaps i should say having dinner with wine tonight. : (i'd rather use the drunken smilie but i don't know the code and i'm too lazy to open the little window to find it out.)

squirmy babe in moby that really needs to sleep more...

adios amoebas!

~claudia
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#242 of 380 Old 11-18-2006, 11:33 PM
 
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Oh, I like my steak in its own juice and medium rare! With beer! I like wine but am definately not a connoisuer, or even very picky. I joke with my friend that I am a plain drunk.
My kids are mesmerized by the huge TV and I must say that it is weird to be able to see the texture of their football jerseys (they are watching football with its copious commercials). And like DUDE -these guys shoudl shave their legs or wear long socks already!
I have nothing to add to the diaphragm discussion.
I too think that it was very good for Naomi to go to her regular daycare after I had Julia for at least a while.
For those of you wishing to homeschool yet wanting preschool - I think a coop is almost like homeschooling. Of course it is a lot of work, but it is also really fun. I wish our grade school was a little more like that but it is pretty involved anyway.
Also, Lisa I think you can totally ask that the computer station not be used, or that E not use it.

My grandma lives in The Netherlands so I may travel internationally. I have. But Sherri lives close to Canada (closest even?). Shopping trips to Toronto...(is that the big city on that side of Canada - the rumors that European kids are better at geography is totally unfounded! I suck at geography)
We are actually going in July because a friend of ours is getting married.

Megan- I am glad you are finding strength. Keeping everyone bisy and finding plenty of adult interaction is definately key. I would meet up in Oakland if you wanted to but I can't make it till Wednesday because of school activities etc.

OK, I am going to turn the TV off right now and put the kids in the bath.
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#243 of 380 Old 11-18-2006, 11:35 PM
 
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Claudia I am always too lazy to open the little window.
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#244 of 380 Old 11-19-2006, 08:18 PM
 
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I adore this radio station...even though I have to listen to them on the internet now because they're in Boston and I'm, well, not.
They were just playing "Cheech the School Bus Driver". Oh yes!

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a peaceful Sunday night. I feel so thankful to have you all in my life, you have been my friends for so long now and I just don't know how I would have gotten through this journey without you! Just reading all these supportive, sweet, honest, hilarious posts since I last logged on...it's just amazing to me that we are this tigvht-knit group of mamas...and many of us have never met in person! That just rules (not the not-meeting part, the part where we all are so important to each other despite that...oh, you all know what I mean!!)
:
Okay, enough sap (and abusing smileys! ) from me.

I would write more, but the IL's are here and I am about to leave to go to the mall for dinner with my MIL and a friend who is meeting us there.

Much love to you all!

(there is not a song about cheese on the above-mentioned station. Wow.)
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#245 of 380 Old 11-20-2006, 01:53 PM
 
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bump

Cheech the School Bus Driver is pretty darned funny. I haven't heard that one in a loooong time. (Think we got it from the library...)

How you doing, Megan? I've been thinking of you... And thanks for sharing Peggy's essay.

I finally remembered to come and ask a question I've been wondering about... those of you MMs who are doulas... are you taking a break now, or working? If working, how are things different with kid(s), and how are you adjusting? If not, when will you start taking clients again? (And anyone who wants to talk about work in general--even if you're not a doula--chime in... I've been thinking about *that* whole thing again.) I have a stack of old Mothering mags that I was flipping through this wkend, and I found an interview with Madeleine Albright and Sandra Day O'Connor, both of whom had 3 kids, stayed home with them, and then went back to work at some point. It was good food for thought.

Today I am "most likely to be congested". Ug. Thanks for sharing, kids. (I suppose if they didn't crawl all over me and smother me with sticky kisses, I'd still be well, so I guess I take being sick.)
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#246 of 380 Old 11-20-2006, 03:49 PM
 
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KK-
As you know, with the exception of the first three months of Eleanor’s life, ever since I’ve been a mother, I’ve mothered and worked. I can’t therefore comment on not working and then coming back to working. I have taken doula training, done the reading, and prepared most of the test that I need to complete for ALACE doula certification, but I have not attended any births. I just can’t do it now. My fulltime job costs a lot in terms of time away from my family, but contemplating doula work is just too much (and I suspect I would feel this way if I was a SAHM right now too). It’s a greater commitment and it’s a job that I imagine will take up some of the emotional energy that I prefer to use now for mothering. My job is SO different from mothering that there really does seem to be very little overlap in terms of my energy and intellect. I doubt that would be true for doula work. For me, I am in the planning stage. I expect to transform my life again in 5 years by pursuing midwifery training then. Until then, I like doing work that is energetically and emotionally different from mothering and being a mother. Maybe that’s a fractured way of thinking/living, but I imagine the next 5 years will be a slow, gradual, tipping of my life toward wholeness, and that is enough.

So, I don't know if that resonates with you or even speaks to your question at all, but it's my way of showing you support for thinking through this issue carefully and deeply. It's so much more complicated (for me? for everyone?) than the work/stay-at-home media debaters seem to want moms to believe.

What are YOU thinking about doula work and working while mothering?
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#247 of 380 Old 11-20-2006, 06:10 PM
 
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Killing threads...

So what do you all think about this article:

http://www.sundayherald.com/59117

"Is my idea dangerous? I have never condoned child abuse or neglect; I have never believed that parents don’t matter. The relationship between a parent and a child is an important one, but it is important in the same way as the relationship between married partners. A good relationship is one in which each party cares about the other and derives happiness from making the other happy. A good relationship is not one in which one party’s central goal is to modify the other’s personality."

I like it. I will think about it more and try to articulate that some, but I would like to hear all your thoughts.
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#248 of 380 Old 11-20-2006, 11:53 PM
 
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*I* am not thinking about the doula road (though I love all doulas everywhere, mwah mwah)... I just realized that I don't think we've heard from our MM doulas about the stuff I asked, and I was curious.

Lisa, I do have have the utmost respect for you, for Jess, for Elsanne, and for any and all mamas who W (or study) OTH. I wouldn't mind hearing more of your thoughts on balance, etc. I really get what you say about the emotional energy, the fractured way of thinking/living, etc.... being a mama is intense, and working takes a lot of energy, and pursing a fulfillment... whoa, that takes a lot, too.

I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I could use some pretty nitty gritty career counseling and/or a life coach (and I feel a bit sheepish about that... it seems so woo woo).

The article... I dunno, maybe I took it the wrong way? I think good parents can have an *incredible* impact on their children. (So can bad parents, but in a very negative way.) And the "My idea is viewed..." paragraph really kind of turns me off; I guess I don't identify with parenting that way. I *don't* think I meet their every demand (and I don't try--some of their demands are a little silly). I *don't* think our family life is phoney. I deliver a lot of love, but I don't think I overdo praise.
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#249 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 12:45 AM
 
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Here's a MM doula, checking in! I have not attended any births since G was born. It's only now that I feel like I'm in a place to do that at all. I have actually received a phone call from a prospective client who is expecting in March...we still need to set up an appt. to get together and meet, but the phone call went well.

I'm still a little unsure if I'm totally ready for it, to tell the truth. Like Lisa said, doula-ing takes a lot out of you. It's a lot of caring, giving of oneself. And I feel like I do that all day. I still love birth and strongly believe in every woman's need to be supported in labor in some way. I just renewed my certification through DONA and had to do it as inactive since I was unable to attend 3 births in the last 3 years (a necessary req. for re-cert.) I went to the DONA conf. this summer and it renewed my desire to do something in the birthing field, I'm just not sure if only being a doula is it...I would also like to teach childbirth ed. classes but that's a whole other certification process and I just kinda want to find something and stick with it (this is the story of my life, career-wise. I've always been so interested in so many things that it's hard to pick).

Being a full-time stay-at-home mother has been a natural choice for me--something I could really focus on. And I'd like another baby sooner rather than later, so I don't want to devote too much time to anything else *right now*, IYKWIM.

I do have a part-time job, in a totally unrelated field, and I work about 12-20 hours a week. It keeps me plenty busy right now, believe me. But, if I did one or two births a month, I could make the same amount of $$.

So that's my totally chain-of-consciousness anwer. Not real definitive. But it's where I'm at right now.

I read the article and am not sure about it either. It takes me a while to formulate my thoughts on stuff like this...Gee, I sound like a major wishy-washy person tonight! I'm really not....I prefer to think of myself of a mediator, peacemaker, etc. I always see good things about both sides. Yet, I definitely have an opinion about many things.

Ugh, I'm just rambling now. I think I'll sign off. Lots of things to think about.
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#250 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 01:09 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KKmama View Post
I wouldn't mind hearing more of your thoughts on balance, etc.

(and I feel a bit sheepish about that... it seems so woo woo).

KK, gettin WOO on us! No, I think that is very self-aware of you. Always looking to learn & grow; what else is life about?
Here's one thing I am sure of: it is WAY EASIER to go to work than deal with Sol all day. I think the anguish of leaving a baby, a small baby, is NOT easier. I adore the fact that I work part time, mostly. I do feel balanced. I do get enough time for me, and I like the work. That is very important.

Quote:
Originally Posted by A&L+1 View Post
So what do you all think about this article:
Very thought-provoking!!! Here's one thing I cannot get over: is not all the years of therapy to undo that which was done to us as children? Or most of it? If so, was that karma, was I born with those issues? I could buy that, to a degree. It doesn't explain actual traumatic events. It just seems to be so mega-important. I just read somewhere else that the reason we are codependent is because as children, when we had needs they were not reflected back to us appropriately, instead we were required to be aware of others' needs which trumped ours. To that effect, I have been intensely attempting to reflect Sol's needs back to her (ie-tantrum-what she REALLY needs in that moment--love, a hug, whatever). That would put me in the "too intense parent" camp. Hm.

*sigh* Please check YG when you have a moment. Elsanne's latest crisis. Ugh.
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#251 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 04:38 PM
 
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Just when I thought I'd have time to post...Rowan is awake and I have to get myself ready for a job interview this evening.
I swear to the gods, I could give the kid a cup of sugar and it wouldn't change his sleep habits. I could dose him with morphine and he'd STILL only nap for an hour and a half. *grin*
I will post more about why I thought he would sleep longer on the YG. Don't want the vegan nuns gettin' testy.
And why is it that EVERY cranberry-walnut muffin recipe involves SHORTENING?!?! Can I use 1/4 cup of butter or veg. oil instead? Baking goddesses, help me!

I want to write a whole bunch about the whole working outside of the home/stay at home mama thing. Like Jacqueline, the story of my life career-wise has always been all over the place--I have been so many different things, from a retail wage-slave to a model (don't ask--or rather, ask on the YG! ) to a daycare teacher and nanny to a DJ and bartender, to a artist/crafter to a homemaker for the elderly. I really like that I have/had my hands in all sorts of things, but being a mother full-time has been one of the only things I felt "born" to do. As "traditional" as that may sound, I LIKE being a wife and mother. I LIKE baking, dammit!

But, I also wish that I could afford to send the little poop to preschool when the time comes. : Some days I just want to work somewhere ELSE full-time, and let the preschool or daycare deal with Rowan for a few hours. *sigh*
Due to my not-much-higher than high school education, however, any full time job I were to get would pretty much ONLY pay for the daycare or preschool Rowan would have to go to while Mama worked. It makes sense financially for me to stay home (and try to work from here, I guess--yeah, I should be doing that instead of writing here! Oh well...) but when we're still barely making ends meet (oh, who the hell am I fooling?? We ask DH's parents for money EVERY MONTH. : ) I just wonder if there's anything else I can do...

Oops, I kind of digressed. This has NOTHING to do with doula-ing, forgive me. I'm just thinking out loud.

And the article is another thing I want to writer about...when I am not making cranberry sauce, folding laundry, and makign sure Rowan doesn't sit on the cat.

Love you all. Enjoy the rest of your day.
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#252 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 05:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mama Faery View Post
J Can I use 1/4 cup of butter or veg. oil instead? Baking goddesses, help me!

yes dear, you ALWAYS can substitute most any fat for most any other fat.

Another tip from the baking goddess: Substitute maple syrup for sugar. YUM. Not quite as much syrup as sugar (ie, 1 C sugar= .5 C Syrup). Or something.

For muffins I always use oil. About 3/4 cup. Milk, 1 cup. Maple syrup, .5 cup. Maybe a dash extra for extra yum.
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#253 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 05:39 PM
 
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Yah yah. If I were subbing butter for shortening I would let it get to room temp and then cream it rather than melting it. Just me.

Sounds like we are all in a bit of a funk for various reasons, gals. I thought Mercury was out of retrograde?!: Sigh. My life is like : right now, but not for any one big reason...just lots of little reasons.

The article...hmm. I think she did a mediocre job of saying a good thing. KK, I think you maybe did take it the wrong way. : I agree that we shouldn't follow our kids around, anxious that everything we do will mess them up. I think that is the message she was trying to get across. She didn't do a wonderful job doing it, however, IMO. Just my take.

I haven't doula'ed since I was about 6 mos. pregnant, and don't plan on doing it again as a doula. I start once-a-week 24-hr call in Spring term, though, as a student midwife...does that count?? Yikes!

Do any of you PDX mamas want to contribute to a Discount School Supply order with me, to save on shipping?? :

Sarah
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#254 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 06:13 PM
 
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Yes, you can sub butter or oil for the shortening. And as for WHY recipes call for it, it really does give the best consistency. It's hydrogenated grossness, but MAN does it give a pie crust THE BEST FLAKE EVER. I don' use it often, but occasionally I cave and make a pie crust with it. It really is the best for that sort of thing, grossness and all.
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#255 of 380 Old 11-21-2006, 07:27 PM
 
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Here's more info on the shortening/oil debate: http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf595034.tip.html

and here's a substitution list for just about everything...
http://allrecipes.com/HowTo/Common-S...ns/Detail.aspx

Gee, now I feel all domestic.
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#256 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 01:04 AM
 
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That was a handy reference, Jacqueline! You domestic goddess you! Whatcha gonna bake?

Last thing I baked, besides lasagna yesterday, was peanut butter cookies. I am way into my sweets done healthily: I used WW flour, maple syrup instead of sugar, and organic PB!! Nuuuummmmyyy. No eggs because I didn't have any.

Feeling a bit better today.

NEWS FLASH: Sol has been putting HERSELF to sleep the last few nights. This is the first time in her whole life! I am now able to say to her, "Be right back, I'm gonna go get some water" and she goes to sleep by herself! No drama! And the third night of this, after she had teta, I pulled back, and she asked, "Agua?" which meant "Are you going to go get water? Good night then, mother."

YEEEESSSS!

Last night, she had a little harder time with it but I had also hardly seen her during the day so she needed a lil more mama.
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#257 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 01:56 AM
 
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I made a lasagna yesterday, too, Elsanne! Ours was a spinach lasagna and quite yummy. The next thing I'm baking is the sweet potato dish for T-giving, which reminds me that I need to give the recipe to Claudia!

DH did make some no-bake chocolate - oatmeal drops the other night and they were delish. Real sugar, but natural peanut butter, so I get half credit.

Yeah, Sol! Putting herself to sleep! That must be so exciting.

We bought G a new potty today. We had a hand-me-down wooden version, but he couldn't seem to keep his penis down enough, and we were ending up with pee all over the bathroom floor. Not fun for mama, though I wanted to applaud him for the effort. I wanted to avoid the plastic potty, but this one has a great splash guard, which seems to be important for the boys! We'll see if this increases his frequency.
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#258 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 02:28 AM
 
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Mmmmmmm... baking. I have cornbread in the oven right now (smells so yummy!) for the Thanksgiving stuffing. I am doing Thanksgiving Lite this year. We are spending the holiday at home, just our family. DH gets home tomorrow (YAY!) and we are looking forward to some quiet family reconnecting time. We are going to go for a walk at the regional park that morning and while there we will collect some fall leaves to add to our TG table centerpiece. Fun! Then we are going to get super old-skool and make hand-print turkeys! Craft it up, toddler style! For dinner, I am making Turkey Wings (braised in a mushroom wine sauce), Cornbread Stuffing w/ Prosciutto, and Green Bean Casserole OR Garlic Sauteed Baby Artichokes (if they are still good - I meant to cook them last week, but with the death and all, there they sit in the fridge, surprisingly still edible looking, but we'll see how they look on Thursday).

The funeral was today and DH said it was beautiful. The ArchBishop (big wig, for all you non-Catholics) said the Mass. They pulled out all the stops. Like John said, "Damn, they had the big tall hats and the frankenscence and everything!" A zillion flowers, a bunch of people speaking about what a wonderful woman she was. I talked to DH when he was riding home in the car with him mom and a couple of uncles and they were all laughing and joking around - I think the funeral left them feeling joyful and put them on the road to healing. It amazing what a good bit of ritual and community support can do for the soul.

I've been surprisingly FINE by myself with the kids this whole time. Seriously, reading Peggy's essay just set my mind on such a different path. Also, I've been keeping in touch with DH each day and I know what he and his family are going through is so much more difficult than what I am doing here. Keeping that perspective has really helped me keep my head up and do what I have to do to support my family.

GO SOL! That's so awesome!

Regarding work, I miss doing something other than mom-ing 24/7, but the thought of working makes me stress way out. My mom has offered to watch Jett a couple of days a week once they are moved up here, and that sounds appealing, but we'll have to see. DH is looking for a new job (again! : this is part of the other major stress stuff we have going on right now, besides Grammy's passing ) and he might be making more money by then, so I'm playing it by ear. I'd like to ideally wait until Jett is 2 to start working again, but if I have to bring in some cash, it's nice to know I have options. Putting him in day care is not an option I am comfortable with, and my earning power is not high enough for it to make any economical sense anyway. But if my mom watched him for free, that would be a great opportunity for us to utilize if we need it.

But as for BALANCE with all the working and parenting etc.... I have no idea how to balance it all out. :

Cornbread's done... and all the kids are sleeping... and there's a big fat cream puff in the fridge with my name on it!
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#259 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 03:42 AM
 
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Reading, tempted to respond to quite a few things, but sleep and Red Cross Instructor Training are really the only things I have time for right now. Love to all- you mamas rock.

Peace!- Beth
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#260 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 04:05 AM
 
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fiddle: i like your new siggy.

jacquie: need sweet potato with praline topping recipe!!! (not that we're making it for t-day, just need to have it) :

haven't read peggy's article or the one lisa referenced above, but will try to over the next couple of days since so many of you found them interesting.

bill is majorly ticking me off this week. don't feel like expounding on that right now. just wanted to let you know he is still rubbing me the wrong way... (and that's not in the "in bed" sense, elsanne... getcher mind outta the gutter...

s sleeping on my bed, bill putting m to bed, going to sleep in a few minutes... i'm tired.

love you all... MMF!

~claudia
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#261 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 04:16 AM
 
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Arg. I still have not eaten that cream puff. Jett has been up about 8 times since I put him to bed at 7:00. My usually great sleeping baby is teething badly (poor dear) and we've had rough sleep the last few weeks. I am getting bitter about it. :

FF... Red Cross Instructor Training? That sounds cool!

I'm a slacker and haven't even read the article you guys are discussing. : Since reading that other article, I've barely been online. Trying to catch up.

Have I mentioned how excited I am for John to come home? (see YG for elaboration )

Jett seems to have settled out for a while. Maybe I'll see if that cream puff is still up for hanging out.
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#262 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 10:22 AM
 
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That's some comsic cooking connection. At the last minute, I decided to make a lasagna because I spied some no bake noodles in the pantry.

The article was kind of eh and I'm wondering what the rest of the book is like. Sometimes with topics like that I get a little annoyed at the pretentiousness of talking around and around the issue of mothering/parenting when I am assuming that the target audience is one of means or means enough to be likely to have decent parenting skills. What I thought she was getting at is that having loving/neutral parenting is enough...that you don't have to go over the top. But what then of the part about wanting to make the other happy? Maybe I'm just lumping that blurb together with the NYTimes article I read on martini playdates and related blogs. Would be interesting how the NY Times would think of some inner city mothers playing around their kids drinking 40's on a weekday afternoon. But martinis are classy so....

Gah...really do wish I could drink some coffee so maybe my thoughts would be coherent.

Girls have their EI review in a few....

mom of  dust.gif, ROTFLMAO.gif, and jog.gif
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#263 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 12:12 PM
 
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We should be off pretty soon (well... actually we're running late this morning). Over the river, through the woods, etc. Going to get to see Jacquie and G on the way. Back late Saturday.

I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts. :
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#264 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 12:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by heatherfeather View Post
That's some comsic cooking connection. At the last minute, I decided to make a lasagna because I spied some no bake noodles in the pantry.

The article was kind of eh

Girls have their EI review in a few....

a) no bake noodles are the WAY! I can't believe I ever made lasagna with normal noodles. Whatta hassle THAT was.

b) I had never seen this phrase written out: the article was kind of eh. Like it.

c) How did it go? the EI review?

I was thinking: since Heather has so many doc visits (may you be blessed with good insurance) and Sherri's hubby IS a doctor (right?), shame y'all couldn't work out some sort of exchange.

Okay, huhuh, not as funny as it was in my head. Der.

Fiddle, I think the "pending" is just very cute.

KK, have a great time, and say hello to Jacquie & G for us!

TC, I'm just so sorry he's not rubbing you the RIGHT way. :

Tomorrow I go to a friend's house (the modern dance instructor, who stays down here for thanksgiving every year and puts on a shindig). Fun!
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#265 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 12:22 PM
 
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OH OH OH and really really glad, Meg, to hear that it has gone pretty well! I was worried for you. You rock as mamajama!
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#266 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 01:20 PM
 
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Would be interesting how the NY Times would think of some inner city mothers playing around their kids drinking 40's on a weekday afternoon. But martinis are classy so...
Very excellent point.
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#267 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 01:52 PM
 
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Great point HF about the martinis vs the 40's. I say all the time, we are no longer a racist society as we are a classist society.

I think I forgot to mention Mia is sick and I think she has Croup. Her cough sounds AWFUL! Barking seal. She's running a fever (~101.5) and is having minor breathing difficulties (wheezing). I am calling the ped at 9:00 and will take her in today to get checked out. Not sure there is much they can do, but I want her air passages looked at before we go into the holiday weekend. Plus I want to find out if she is still contagious and for how long. We have plans to go to a brunch on Friday and there will be several other children there, so if she's contagious, we might have to stay home. Wah!
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#268 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 02:00 PM
 
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Yah, I figured after 3 years maybe I should have a real siggy.

Today dh is staying home in the am so he and I can move all the furniture in the bedroom to clean the mildew that's been under the bed for......hmmmm....I noticed it when I became pregnant. Probably from water getting knocked off the windowsill. Fun times.

Stayed up till 2 am thinking about how to rearrange the back room at work so it will work for 1st Aid/ CPR and all the supplies I need to order. Can we say redirected nesting energy?

Have a great T-day tomorrow everyone!
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#269 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 02:32 PM
 
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Loving the comments on class...though I am not going to edit my essay below to go there right now. Feel free to skip this blah, blah, blah.

I agree with Sarah - the article makes some interesting points but isn't written in a way that is particularly effective.

That said, I agree with her that the urge to over-schedule and generally over-manage children stems from insecurity in the parents. It's not the kid that needs constant care/coaching/stimulation, it's the parent who needs it to fend off the fear that they have about their kid (or themselves) being less than, behind, etc. All this activity and uber-care is just feeding the parent’s fear and ego - not the child. I get this and I do this sometimes too, I can admit.

I think that general respectful parenting with an emphasis on helping a kid learn their own heart, head, and interests is so important and it does matter though. The other way, the way that the author is criticizing, seems so frenzied and frantic to me. Like what she had to say about good relationships means not expecting that through the relationship you can make your kids better people - you can teach them and model for them better decisions, yes, but you can't change who they are in their soul on their spiritual path. It brings to mind for me the cases I have heard of kids who do a bad thing. I was about a mile away when the Thurston school shooting happened in Springfield, Oregon. There were lots of people whose worlds were rocked because the family of the shooter was a "good family" and the parents were "good" and were respected educators – even the boy was well liked. In the end, that boy chose to do what he did and it didn't matter that he was a boy scout that spent time with his dad. This was part of the trauma for some of the people around me – the fear that it could happen to them even if they do the right things. I think that some people take super-parenting as insurance that they have staved off the boogeyman and the truth is you can’t. You can practice whole, respectful living and model right for your kids; you can get help if your kids needs it, but you can’t control your kid by managing their lives to the nth degree. That boy is not a bad person – he did one of the most horrific things that can be imagined – but he is not bad, his parents did not make him bad.

I was sexually abused as a kid. I am a very resilient person and my parents were typical 70s parents (worked, watched tv all the time, and valued convenience). I think that the years of therapy, Elsanne, helped me to get back to who I really am and that the abuse was a big deterrent in me finding my path - it stole some of my time. Yet, the abuser was raised by the same set of parents (my brother), and he is a lot healthier now but still comments on how jealous he is of my ability to “bounce back” and “be positive.” Is it genetic, learned, innate, that I am the resilient one?

I was talking to my therapist about my concerns about the impact of the upcoming move and a new sibling on Eleanor emotionally. She was so funny in her response. She told me that when she questions herself about whether or not she’s doing enough for her child she tries to remember that usually that fear is about her -her fears, not real fallout for her kid. To keep in check, she’ll play Remember When with her daughter. She’ll say to her daughter, “Remember when I took the day off work and took you to the zoo when you were three.” Her daughter always replies, “No.” My therapist always chuckles to herself thinking ‘why did I stress out to make sure you had two or three great experiences each week when now you don’t remember.” Kids are strong (someone here just told me that in response to my angst about Eleanor’s school) and what we do as parents can’t be thought of as a way to ensure our kids turn out okay.


Ohhh, rambling like this is sure to kill the thread.

Happy Thanksgiving, May Mamas. I am so glad to know you all.

Thinking good EI review thoughts for your girls, Heather. Update?

Megan, i am glad you have done so well and sorry Mia might have croup. Eleanor's ped told us that after the first night it's generally not contagious.
Fiddle, yuck on the mildew!
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#270 of 380 Old 11-22-2006, 05:58 PM
 
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I haven't caught up since I posted yesterday, but I am about to log off and try to finish packing for our trip to CT (we leave when DH gets home from work--he is going to be late, that But anyway!)
I hope you all have a glorious holiday. I adore you all and am so thankful to have you in my life!

I'll post more later. Just wanted to send you all my LVE!
MMF!
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