I know this isn't about parenting advice directly but...please stay tuned! I would dearly love your input.
KJ's question made me think of my own situation and while that situation is more of a personal deal between two people and mine is more of a group dynamic, the similarity is what is this new special category of "mommy friends."
I have been in a playgroup for almost two years. The first year all was hunky dory and we had lots of good times. I made what I felt like were some pretty good friends.
We certainly survived new and early motherhood together and what better bonding period can there be?
The first year was great because we were all on leave and did many wonderful and fun get-togethers. After that a good number of us were back to work. I knew it would be an adjustment once I went back to work but my mommy friends are very important to me.We didn't all agree on everything but how great to just have a group of women who nodded their heads and murmured understanding things.
My mommy friends became even more important to me because all of my old friends have more or less faded away since not only do the vast majority not have children, but they aren't even married and still live the single party life. Not very conducive to new parents. ;o)
My work schedule was flexible so that I could continue to attend playgroup. However, our once set time became more dynamic so my attendance became more sporadic. I tried to keep up as best I could. But I was missing a lot. I was so busy though. Readjusting to work was tough as was acclimating us and our daughter Jane to the nanny.
So flash forward past the baby years and into the toddler years. As my baby became a toddler I realized HELP! I need my mommy friends again. We helped each other get a handle on the baby times now I need a handle on the toddler times.
And I looked and I looked but did not find them and I realized somewhere, somehow I got left behind!
I can't think of a week that ever went by without being in touch with at least several moms. And if ever some time did pass that I didn't see them, I'd arrange a special event.
So mainly I deduced that people got busy and get-togethers were not as frequent. I checked in with a few ladies about creating another playgroup schedule. They responded positively, but vaguely. Their answers made me go hmmm.
A fellow playgroup mom, two actually, contacted me and mentioned feeling left behind. We chatted a bit. The one confessed she'd found out about a Super Secret Playgroup that only certain moms were included in. Other moms were Not Welcome.
Shortly after that, I got accidentally copied in on an email discussion about a get-together.
It turns out, the majority of the group is regularly getting together and just cutting out a few of us.
I can't imagine that any of us are offensive or smell bad or deserve to be cut (but maybe I am wrong). I just can't figure it. This is not okay in my book. At first I thought it might be the work thing. The three of us all work, but with flexible schedule. No, two of the In-Crowd moms work like that too.
The only thing I can figure out is that the one lady and I both hosted a lot of events and tended to invite all. I am an open person and you never really have a 100% acceptance rate anyway.
Maybe some people felt overwhelmed by the crowd (I can't think of too many events with more than ~8 moms).
But I can't tell you how it feels to realize that after all we've gone through and how much a big part of it I thought I was, I just flat got cut out.
A couple of the ladies I had thought were friends but as it happens they lied to me and another Cut Lady directly when we casually asked if there were any events because we were missing our mom friends.
Wow this hurts!
So what is going on? I know them and I can't answer that so how can you. It's not a fair question to ask but gee if you have an answer I'd love to hear it.
A couple of the ladies know that I know now and they have said some things to me. I keep being polite and friendly but I can't figure why the bitchy comments like "Oh we made sure to copy you in because we don't want you to think we are EXCLUDING you." I mean maybe if I had made a stink about being left out, but I *never* said a word. Just kept being nice. I promise!
I admit I focused on this group. I do not have any other mommy friends. No other mommy outlets. And let me tell you I NEED that! So what do i do? Part of me wishes I could just find a new group and move on...keep a few of the good friends from this old group.
What do you think? What would you do?
Hey gals thanks for hanging in here and reading this. Big Hershey to you!