Firstly, thank you all for your advice and support on this one - it's not been easy! However we have sorted a few things out.
Originally Posted by Sierra
If this cousin was a guy, and/or if your child was a girl, I wonder if you would second guess yourself like this.
You're completely correct, I mentioned this to dh before he spoke to her the other day.
PrennaMama - I let dh speak to her because the family either speaks french or arabic and although I am OK at french it's not great and not good enough to not get frustrated and angry when they say they don't understand which is often the case because they generally think I'm nuts! so I didn't want to give the opportunity of saying that they didn't understand.
Cheshire - we're going to implement the kissing on the cheek - which is very french anyway!! thanks for that I think it is a great solution.
Shana - yes the situation was very much about HER and getting what SHE wanted from the affection with no consideration to ds's feelings at all, you would have thought that the biting (to blood) might have given it away slightly, but no she just thought it funny - anyway we really need to be on guard about the selfish over affection!
Ange - it's awful not to be able to trust our folks with the kids even when we give them explicite instructions and the whys and wherefores - choose your friends not your family - how true!! I'm also like you in that I think of all these wonderful witty things to retort but about 5 hours after the event!!
First of all, we have established that no one changes ds but us or with our supervision, the kissing is only when arriving or leaving and on the cheek, ds and dd are to be in our sight at all times, however we've also decided to let dd in on the act as well, so that she can watch out for her little brother, we just asked her that if she ever sees anything that she feels is too much then she can protect her brother or come and get either mummy or daddy - although I'm hoping that will never come up as I want to be able to be with him at all times, but just in case ....
On the bathing front no-one has ever bathed our children apart from us, I taught the kids at a very early age how to wash themselves and use soap and then wash it off by themselves so that it NEVER gives anyone the opportunity should the occasion ever arise that we aren't with them.
Anyway - the conversation went ok and dh asked for her mother to be present so that they could try and 'talk' about things, he explained that we were very concerned that she locked the door and said that she hadn't heard me when I tried to 1) go into the bathroom 2) when i tried to talk to her. She said that she didn't hear me at all
: , he said that he didn't understand how she couldn't hear and did she feel guilty about anything, she said no, so he explained about the kissing, changing and not taking either child away by themselves (there are brothers too). He also tried to impress on his aunt that she should educate her daughter in sex education which didn't go down too well, so he said that if the cousin wanted to know anything she was to ask him or me. He looked up the internet and gave her a few sites to look up so that she would be able to do some research.
Generally the talk went well-ish but we are not going to visit this weekend - I think that leaving some time for this family to digest what we have said maybe a good thing, we'll see how we feel about visiting again - quite honestly I'm not too keen in going back at all, but then that'll just make things worse
DH has handled this well in the circumstances and I'm really pleased that we have really worked together on this one, normally he leaves most parenting decisions to me.