I'm not ready to let my dh take ds that far away yet - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 11:25 PM
 
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I'm the non-bio mom of our daughter. She didn't start eating solids until 13 months and at 2 is still breastfeeding quite a bit.

For a few months, my daughter did NOT want to be with me. We're talking crying when I picked her up because she wanted my wife... the whole shebang.

I was home with my daughter for the first 5 months full time (as was my wife) and then home quite a bit for the rest of her first year as I was a new teacher working as a supply teacher. I am a VERY involved parent however, I cannot provide my child with breastmilk and that changes the way our relationship looks compared to the relationship my DD has with my DW.

Let me tell you, there is a HUGE, HUGE difference in how my child acts when her bio mom is around (even if just in the other room/ inside the house when we're in another room/ the backyard) And that's been consistently true since she started to have separation anxiety. When my wife is not around, my child is totally focused on me as her parent. I have an opportunity to comfort her and we are able to play and enjoy each other in a different way. This was specifically true through the months of major Mama preference. If my child knows that her Mama (and possibly a chance at a breastmilk snack) is close by there is no fun to be had unless Mama comes and joins us.

She's still quite capable of having a whole lotta fun with just me.

If my wife had disallowed me the opportunity to take her on errands (often quite a ways away) or on short hikes or just out for time with just the 2 of us I would have been LIVID. This is my child and for quite some time it was impossible to hang out with her happy unless my DW wasn't there. It was a huge struggle. We both needed to figure out how to find a happy compromise. My wife just saw our DD crying when we were leaving (or she was leaving) not all the happy time in between when we were having a blast hanging out together.

I of course, needed to respect my daughter's needs and that meant that long hang out times were restricted to times when she had just nursed significantly but still, at 1 (and exclusively breastfed at that time) she could easily go 2-4 hours without milk depending on the day (easy to tell from the day's nursing pattern)

Now at 2 (and nursing quite a bit when she can) she can easily go a full 10 hrs without nursing and with me (in fact she does it 4 days out of the week since my DW is working a compressed work week meaning she works only 4 days but she's out of the house for 10 hrs) I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to not have had long chunks of time with just my DD and me.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider. It's going to be SO hard for both your DC and your DH to have a good relationship if they don't have long chunks of time together until your DC is 2.5

I do see that your DC and DH spend lots of time together and that it's the distance that bothers you but you know, if we're walking, my child can easily tell me how to get back to her Mama. It's not the same as having time away. While it doesn't need to be far for the time to be significant, it sounds like your DH really wants to do something with his child. If you think he won't bring him back on time... well, why not let him go and fall on his face and then he'll listen to you the next time. I really only pushed the boundary significantly once and boy did I learn my lesson.

While not at all interested in letting my child cry or be upset, that's your child's way of communicating and when I got the timing wrong, boy did my DD communicate to me. Yeah, she was mad when we got home but you know, she's fine. She always was. She was safe, cared for and hungry but we got home and all was well within a few minutes and I learned a bit more about how to care for her.

Your DH will develop these skills very quickly. And you know, since I always knew that I couldn't feed my child I was pretty fanatical about timing. It's SCARY taking your child out when you can't feed them and your best comforting strategy is handing them over to their Mama for a feeding. You need time to build confidence in your parenting skills.

Sorry I can't be more supportive. Having our kids out of view is hard for all parents to do.
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#62 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 12:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Jes'sBeth View Post
I'm the non-bio mom of our daughter. She didn't start eating solids until 13 months and at 2 is still breastfeeding quite a bit.

For a few months, my daughter did NOT want to be with me. We're talking crying when I picked her up because she wanted my wife... the whole shebang.

I was home with my daughter for the first 5 months full time (as was my wife) and then home quite a bit for the rest of her first year as I was a new teacher working as a supply teacher. I am a VERY involved parent however, I cannot provide my child with breastmilk and that changes the way our relationship looks compared to the relationship my DD has with my DW.

Let me tell you, there is a HUGE, HUGE difference in how my child acts when her bio mom is around (even if just in the other room/ inside the house when we're in another room/ the backyard) And that's been consistently true since she started to have separation anxiety. When my wife is not around, my child is totally focused on me as her parent. I have an opportunity to comfort her and we are able to play and enjoy each other in a different way. This was specifically true through the months of major Mama preference. If my child knows that her Mama (and possibly a chance at a breastmilk snack) is close by there is no fun to be had unless Mama comes and joins us.

She's still quite capable of having a whole lotta fun with just me.

If my wife had disallowed me the opportunity to take her on errands (often quite a ways away) or on short hikes or just out for time with just the 2 of us I would have been LIVID. This is my child and for quite some time it was impossible to hang out with her happy unless my DW wasn't there. It was a huge struggle. We both needed to figure out how to find a happy compromise. My wife just saw our DD crying when we were leaving (or she was leaving) not all the happy time in between when we were having a blast hanging out together.

I of course, needed to respect my daughter's needs and that meant that long hang out times were restricted to times when she had just nursed significantly but still, at 1 (and exclusively breastfed at that time) she could easily go 2-4 hours without milk depending on the day (easy to tell from the day's nursing pattern)

Now at 2 (and nursing quite a bit when she can) she can easily go a full 10 hrs without nursing and with me (in fact she does it 4 days out of the week since my DW is working a compressed work week meaning she works only 4 days but she's out of the house for 10 hrs) I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to not have had long chunks of time with just my DD and me.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider. It's going to be SO hard for both your DC and your DH to have a good relationship if they don't have long chunks of time together until your DC is 2.5

I do see that your DC and DH spend lots of time together and that it's the distance that bothers you but you know, if we're walking, my child can easily tell me how to get back to her Mama. It's not the same as having time away. While it doesn't need to be far for the time to be significant, it sounds like your DH really wants to do something with his child. If you think he won't bring him back on time... well, why not let him go and fall on his face and then he'll listen to you the next time. I really only pushed the boundary significantly once and boy did I learn my lesson.

While not at all interested in letting my child cry or be upset, that's your child's way of communicating and when I got the timing wrong, boy did my DD communicate to me. Yeah, she was mad when we got home but you know, she's fine. She always was. She was safe, cared for and hungry but we got home and all was well within a few minutes and I learned a bit more about how to care for her.

Your DH will develop these skills very quickly. And you know, since I always knew that I couldn't feed my child I was pretty fanatical about timing. It's SCARY taking your child out when you can't feed them and your best comforting strategy is handing them over to their Mama for a feeding. You need time to build confidence in your parenting skills.

Sorry I can't be more supportive. Having our kids out of view is hard for all parents to do.
: Awesome post...and great to hear from the other side of things!!

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#63 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 12:50 AM
 
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Since you asked... My DH was regularly taking my DD away from me by 1 year. THe time gradually increased from an hour or so up to a few hours, then half the day, then the whole day. I think they went camping together the first time when she was around 18 months. They would go run errands, visit other family members, go fishing at GFIL's pond, etc. If he was going to take her for more than a few hours I would send him with a bottle of breast milk in those earlier months for him to put her down for a nap, but as she rounded month 14 or so, she really didn't ask or need to nurse if she wasn't in my presence - she wanted it if it was available, but was fine with DH alone for hours at a time also. I also would pump breast milk so he could put her to bed or feed her other times also just b/c he wanted to, he wanted to both help me out and bond with her in that way.

They have an amazing relationship and I know it is so strong b/c it's *theirs* - they know each other so well, and he can make things okay when she gets hurt, help her have fun, etc. She trusts him completely. I don't have to mediate it at all.

Keep in mind that your DC is not going to react or behave exactly the same when you aren't around as he does when you are. If you aren't there, they will find their own way. Your DH may make mistakes, get frustrated, etc - as I'm sure we all did when learning how to comfort and parent our babes. The kids survive, and we learn how to be better parents.

My neice, OTOH, had a lot of time away from her dad in her first 2 years - SIL worked weekends out of town and instead of leaving her DD with BIL, stayed with her mom and she watched my neice. BIL never had quality time with his DD, and they still struggle with their relationship. SIL has incredible regrets that they didn't have more time together earlier.

Sounds like you need to give your DH some more space and time to work out this parenting thing on his own. I think the suggestions to ride along with them, then separate for over an hour is a good starting point - but is just a start. Good luck.
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#64 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 12:51 AM
 
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My son is a year old and is very attached.
I would NOT let dh take him that far away.
My son isn't ready for that.
Ezra is serious about staying with me.
Then one day when I dropped dh off at work he screamed and cried for his Dad. Eli took him to work with him all day-and then for two more days after that as well. After that the baby went back to wanting to be with me at home.
I was shocked to say the least and living it up at home lol.
But dh works close to our house, I'm only a phone call away and could be there in less than five minutes, and it was baby led.
If dh wanted to take him somewhere further away my comfort level would be shaken too. Especially with my first baby-which I believe is the case with the OP.
Even in the car with me there ds will cry and it's really hard on us. My dh makes me pull the car over and nurse him so he won't have to be that upset. I don't think either of us would think our son is ready to be a half an hour away from the boob. If they weren't stuck in a car it would be one thing. Dh COULD comfort him then, but in the car-ugh.
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#65 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 12:54 AM
 
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I would not of even thought about DD1 and DH going off then. She was 2+ before she started going on short trips with DH, like just down to the grocery store for a one item.

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#66 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 02:39 AM
 
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If a child is solely attached to just his/her mother, how traumatic will it be if the child has to be separated from the mother? What if the mother is sick or injured and needs to be hospitalized? What if some other situation or emergency comes up?

The possibility of some period of separation (perhaps only hours) has always encouraged me to have some sort of preparation strategy in mind: I want my DH to be confident that he can care for our children on his own should the need arise, and I want our children to feel safe and secure with DH especially when I am not there. My goal (in addition to encouraging bonding between father and children) is to have things lined up so that if something happens to me, my kids have someone else to turn to for care and comfort.

I am very picky about who I let care for my kids, there are only 4 people (including DH) who I feel completely comfortable providing extended care for my children (more than an hour at this point). I pump breastmilk and keep a (very) small supply on hand in case it is needed and I am not immediately available. My children maintain a relationship with these trusted people so they feel comfortable spending time with each of them away from me for a few hours occasionally here and there. In case something were to happen to me, I would have some peace of mind knowing that my child was being cared for by someone who was able to comfort them.

I cannot imagine how stressful it would be to be the ONLY person who can comfort my children. (I also admit that I would go completely insane if I never had a break from being the 24/7 feeding center for the past 2.5 years to both a toddler and an 8 month old!) I can see how the OP views the Continuum Concept mothering style as having the child constantly with the mother and never separated, but I can't imagine that being an exclusive relationship with no other adult (dad? grandma? auntie?) having a connection with the child enough to provide care and comfort.

I, too, feel the undercurrent of anxiety when I am apart from my children, even for a short time, and I am always relieved when we are reunited, but that hasn't prevented me from setting up our Worst Case Scenario support system. When we planned the homebirth for Second Baby, we also planned for the possibility of having to be hospitalized, and prepared DS by building up to him spending the night away from us at Grandma's house (25 minutes away!) It was a long but tolerable night, DS had a fabulous time (he was close to 2 years old), and we didn't need it after all, but it was worth it for the peace of mind.

Just my 2 cents worth,
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#67 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 03:29 AM
 
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I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand
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#68 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 07:39 AM
 
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I completely understand where you are coming from I still have all the anxiety with my kids alone with dh or anyone else - alot better since we don't have a car any longer - that was a whole other thread!! but dh didn't really take dd away for a couple of hours until I was pregnant with ds, it wasn't that I didn't let him or want him to - he didn't feel confident and she didn't want to go either a 1/2 hour in the park was all that she could cope with, 12 months IMO is still quite young for a probable 2 hour separation although I thought the idea of you going along with them in the car and letting your dh do the park thing a good idea you'd be on hand if the need arises for bfing etc. Also if they play outside in the yard etc that's already quite a good thing it's not as if they are NEVER alone together - it's just the going away thing that you have a problem with - and quite honestly I don't blame you. my mum always says that the hardest thing in being a parent is letting go.

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#69 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 08:03 AM
 
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I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand


Would not "let"? What if he decided he would not "let" you do something? I can understand, since your child is younger, but I surely hope when she is older that your child's father is "allowed" to be an equal partner and parent.

By the time my boys were a year old, Daddy could take them out for a few hours. And the first two were exclusively BF too. By a year old, they were more interested in solids and discovering a cup. (I know some kids aren't)

Trust me, it was not easy watching DH take the children. Sometimes, even at ages 9, 8 and 2, it is STILL not easy. But he is their daddy. He is a huge part of their world. I cannot imagine that I have so much control that he would have to be "allowed" to parent them.

I guess I just don't understand one adult "allowing" another to parent their own children. The concept is simply foreign to me.
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#70 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 08:17 AM
 
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(()) to you.

One thing that strikes me as I read this thread is "why?" Why does your dh want to take the baby away? I guess if he wants to take his son to visit his dying grandmother who has expressed a desire never to see you again, plus the hospital only allows 2 visitors on the property at any time, well, I guess I'd say okay to that.

But, if he just wants to take him to WalMart or something, why? I guess I just don't see (from your dh's standpoint) why it's important to take your baby somewhere else in order to bond or whatever.

Of course, this is all from the perspective of having a dh that I'm not sure knows how to unbuckle the carseat. Occasionally, I leave the house for whatever, so they do spend time alone together, but dh has never left with the baby.
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#71 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 08:42 AM
 
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my dh stays home with my 3yo he is a sahd. this just started in march. i have never felt comfy with him and ds out alone ever. note i say my child is 3 years and 3 months old now. he still cries EVERY DAY when i go to work and leave him with dh. i didnt plan on working. i just kinda had to as dh couldnt find a job. i wish i would have felt comfy leaving dh with ds for longer than a few minutes as maybe ds wouldnt cry so much now. its heartbreaking for me to deal with before work everyday. just something to think about. you never know.

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#72 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 09:04 AM
 
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I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand
I am not being snarky....trying to understand.

Why do you see no reason for your husband to have the little one for just a fun time? If you are comfortable with them going off by themselves and you trust he will bring her home if she needs you, what is the difference where the location is or the reason for it? If the distance is an issue, go with and then stay away while they bond.

The pattern I keep seeing with the mamas who aren't letting their little ones go off with their dad is this......the word "let" or "allow." I still don't see why a parent needs to have permission to take their own child somewhere.

I am totally confused by that line of thinking.:

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#73 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 09:17 AM
 
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At 1 my dd was staying at home with her daddy from 8 til 3 on Fridays while I went to college.

She was not eating many foods and still bf very regularly but I had a time limit to finish my course and I had to go back. They hung out all day, went to some little people activity or swimming then I came home and she fed like a maniac til I was empty! Then she made up for it even more by feeding all night.

My dh had to learn how to comfort her and she learned how to trust him. He is her parent too andI gave them space to find their own relationship. I think sometimes the mama-bear thing can be a bit exclusive of the other parent and undermines the whole reason that a baby has 2 parents.

The advantages of 2 parents are immense: 2 perspectives on life, different kinds of fun, different experiences, different wasys of speaking and accents maybe. These all widen our children's experience whist still keeping them within the security of our small family unit.

It is easy to think that you are the only one who can possibly do right for your child: comfort them, feed them, talk to them properly, keep them safe and so on and while it can be true, it can also be true that the other parent, although different to you, can be equally as effective.

I'm not talking about fantastic mums or dads; I'm talking about someone who loves their child and needs space and time to learn to become a parent - just as you did. Taking responsibility is part of that and going on mini-adventures or being home alone together are good ways to practice.

My dd has a very close relationship with my dh now that she is 4 an d she loves to go places with him. If you give your children the chance they can have the complete experience of having 2 parents, not just one and an extra who appears from time to time.
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#74 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 09:54 AM
 
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I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand
My friend was sort of like this with his child. Other than short errands, he did not allow his wife to be alone with their child, unless he was a short (five minutes or less) time away. He would NOT let his wife take their daughter somewhere without him just for s#!ts and giggles. He knew he was being selfish, but he saw no reasons at all that his wife might need complete alone time with their (oops, I mean HIS) daughter away from the house or the park behind the house.

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#75 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 10:43 AM
 
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I don't think this 'why should he ask permission to take HIS child away' really holds up.

Fact is mama is nursing, and it sounds very much like mama has been primary caregiver. It's not like both are equal parents in terms of who does the actual work, and has the bond with the baby, right now.

When my child was that young, her father did need my okay to take her away from me. I gave it more liberally than this mama. But I don't see a problem with needing the okay from the primary caregiver, and the FOOD source, and the one who knows best what is going on with the baby.

And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this? the mind boggles. :

When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.
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#76 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 10:51 AM
 
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Thanks, the earliest would be fall of 2008. I probably will let him take ds out before then ,but right now it's a definate no.
I'm not sure about the use of the word "let" here. Dh is just as much a parent as you are, and he shouldn't need your permission to take his son out for a couple of hours. My dh and I don't ask each other if we can take one of the kids somewhere, we let each other know (though dh never volunteers to take our youngest, I wish he would).

Quote:
And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this?
My dh generally knows our kids' clothing sizes. He had to ask me about ds1 when great-grandma called about the kids' easter clothes, but he knew for the other two.

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I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand
You're absolutely right. You are being selfish. Doing that hurts not only your dh (by showing him that he's not as much a parent as you are) but also your dd (in not giving her as strong a relationship with her dad). If a guy came on here and said what you did, people would freak out.

While it's good that you have a strong attachment to your daughter, you need to give her that with your dh as well.

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#77 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 11:22 AM
 
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I don't think this 'why should he ask permission to take HIS child away' really holds up.

Fact is mama is nursing, and it sounds very much like mama has been primary caregiver. It's not like both are equal parents in terms of who does the actual work, and has the bond with the baby, right now.

When my child was that young, her father did need my okay to take her away from me. I gave it more liberally than this mama. But I don't see a problem with needing the okay from the primary caregiver, and the FOOD source, and the one who knows best what is going on with the baby.

And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this? the mind boggles. :

When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.
I think the point many posters were making is that how CAN the OP's dh partner/father more equally or more fully if she won't "let" him.

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#78 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 11:41 AM
 
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OP, a few things occur to me when reading your posts:

- do you have some prior issues with your husband that would cause you not to trust him completely?

- do you have anxiety about other areas of life, i.e. what if the house starts on fire, what if we can't pay the bills, etc?

I think the question you have to ask yourself, if you do truly trust your husband completely (and if you don't, that's something to work on, but it's not like it makes you a terrible person), then insisting on total control in this situation might be more about you than it is about your son and his needs - and I say that in the gentlest spirit possible, because I know how that can feel. Really, though, there is no legitimate reason to stop your husband from taking his son somewhere alone, unless you have reason not to trust him (concrete, real reasons, based on your husband's prior behavior and his personality).

I'm kind of surprised at some of the posts to this thread about fathers not being equal partners - maybe my husband is different, but he has always been an absolute equal parent, sharing every duty, including diaper changes, babywearing, cosleeping, feeding, (except my short and disastrous nursing career , literally everything, totally evenly. We are lucky in that he works from home, and has always been right there with me, doing everything I do, and his bond with his children is equal to mine - different, but equal.
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#79 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 11:42 AM
 
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**double post!**
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#80 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 11:44 AM
 
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When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.
I guess my opinion comes from my husband knowing just as much about our kids as I do.....and he isn't the "primary" caregiver. He is an equal partner in everything (though I tend to get the doctor appts more). I don't make decisions about our children and what is best for them, then tell my husband about it later. We decide together as partners. The fact that I am home with them more doesn't give him any less decision making abilities. If that were the case, then when we switch roles in the next year (I will work, he will stay home) he will be the one who would have to give me permission to take our children anywhere. That sounds just as insane to me as him having to ask permission.

I don't see how a person can become an equal partner if they aren't being given permission to do so.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#81 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 11:52 AM
 
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I'm not saying that IMO the OP's position is entirely the valid one. But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

I suggest that barring any real concerns from the OP about her partner's parenting skills, the two work together to slowly transition to more daddy time as works for the babe.
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#82 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 12:37 PM
 
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I'm not saying that IMO the OP's position is entirely the valid one. But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

I suggest that barring any real concerns from the OP about her partner's parenting skills, the two work together to slowly transition to more daddy time as works for the babe.
Good points all.
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#83 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 01:03 PM
 
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OP, I understand where you're coming from. I didn't leave my dd alone with my husband (even in our house) until she was about 18 months old. Even then, I was gone maybe 15 minutes and came back and she was screaming for me. Because of some things he does and does not do, I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with her or letting him take her places far away. Now, however, he's much better. I trust him to take her places and take the babies places. The few times he's been out with my daughter several hours, I get worried, but it all ends up ok. I understand the want not to though and I don't fully agree with most of the other posters. If you don't feel comfortable with it yet, don't do it. He's only a year old. There are other ways to apease your husband. Maybe go to the mall together and go different ways?

Mom to Dakota (6), Coy, (4), Max, (4), Lily (4), and Auri (June 19th 2010)!
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#84 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 01:16 PM
 
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I totally understand. I doubt my DH will take out my babe until she's maybe 18 months-2 years. And even then, it might be for a quick trip to the dump that is just down the road. I meet her needs better, both hubby and I know this, and it's just how our family works.

Maybe if he wanted to, we'd just split up while we're in town and he'd do one store with the babe while I did another. We have a similar situation with having a small town 15 mins away, but then the large city that we often have to go to is an hour away. That's FAR when you have an unhappy baby

And FWIW, my babe likely wouldn't even care that I wasn't there. She LOVES her daddy, but I just don't think it's time for her to be so far away from me yet. Right now Daddy drives us into town pretty often, and if she is content in the car I run into the stores by myself. If she's fussin then we all go.

It's not that I don't trust my husband with her at all, I just think that biologically babies were designed to be with their mothers for the majority of the time during their first couple years, and since we can, why not? She'll enjoy going on day trips with him when she's older
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#85 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 01:21 PM
 
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I completely agree. I also had a hard time letting dh take dd out, or just take care of her at home so I could go have coffee with a pal. But having that time to ourselves makes us better parents. And I felt better when I began to put more trust in dh to care for dd. As he built his confidence in caring for her, he also became a better parent for it.



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In my experience, there is no time where I would just have been okay with it, no magic date happened where I stopped worrying. I had to just let go and know that DP loves his son more than anything he is a great dad and I worried, sure. But with each time I worried less. DP and DS together were not going to learn how they would deal with difficulties without me if I was always there.
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#86 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 02:30 PM
 
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Just wanted to add that my dh looks after ds very well here at home but he hasn't taken him 'out' or 'away' anywhere - ds is nearly 22 months.

ewe + dh = our little lambs + we and have many just : and : life .
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#87 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 02:32 PM
 
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I have no qualms about dh taking his child anywhere. He has been doing that since the child was a week old. If you can't trust your husband to take the child somewhere, then you have more serious issues in your relationship. Just my opinion.
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#88 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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Wow, DH took our baby out when she was days old. They went on small walks right after she'd been fed. Everything was fine.
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#89 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 02:34 PM
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i agree with the last poster .
i would have lost my mind if my dh had never taken our dd out during the first year. My husbands time away or alone at the house while i was away was really neccecary to build my confidence in him, his in himself, even dd's in him, and just for my freaking sanity! I really did feel better after putting some trust in dh.

it is true that i am always a little nervous when they are gone and it is true that i can more easily comfort her, but as long as she has a familiar and loving person to comfort her- i don't think that she will be "damaged" by the situation-really, i think it is helpful in the long run to build the relationship.

i wonder, if he knows how strongly you feel, why your dh would (or you feel he would) take ds for longer than you are comfortable with. have you thought of letting him read these posts and discussing it from there? it seems like something you need to work on together.

now- just a short, cute story about my dd who is now 23 months. she was sick this weekend and so we watched bambie (skipping what i thought were the upsetting parts.) the part came when they showed bambies father standing in the distant fog and this really upset her "papa! come here! papa!" she was yelling over and over. she just could not understand why he wasn't involved. i wouldn't trade that for a little uncomfortable feeling of my own.

call a friend to meet you in the big town so you arn't just thinking of them- go for a coffee or lunch and let your dh give it a try- knowing that you are close. i bet you will all feel better.

mcs

two girls and another on the way in feburary!
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#90 of 115 Old 05-07-2007, 02:45 PM
 
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But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?
Bold mine. The statement "they are his kids too" is far from an extreme one. And only needed said because there was so much emphasis on the OP saying she would not "let" her husband take their dc. I am primary caregiver yes but also an equal partner-like Houdini said. One parent having the right to deny another parent access to their child just seems out of balance.

FWIW I do agree with you thismama about the potential solution.

April thankful mommy to my boys Big Red 3/06 Little Z 9/08 and happily awaiting the arrival of 10/10 :
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