I'm not ready to let my dh take ds that far away yet - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-07-2007, 03:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by henhao View Post
Wow, DH took our baby out when she was days old. They went on small walks right after she'd been fed. Everything was fine.
Same here. My DH was a co-parent from day 1. And sometimes, he was better able to soothe DS and DD than I was.

I am just flabbergasted at some of the responses here. And it takes a lot to make me flabbergasted.
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Old 05-07-2007, 04:02 PM
 
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I am just flabbergasted at some of the responses here. And it takes a lot to make me flabbergasted.
Same here, but from the other side.

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Old 05-07-2007, 04:09 PM
 
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My husband has taken DD out alone from the time she was a couple days old, literally.

Then again, he was the first to hold her, first to change a diaper, gave the first bath, etc. He jumped right in, which suprised me (literally had never been around a baby under a year old, let alone held one). He doesn't get very much time with her, due to his job, so, I let him do the "firsts" as much as possible, b/c I get so many others by default(first smile, first laugh, first tooth, etc.). I also let him take her where he wants and do what he wants when he has time.

I may be the primary caregiver, but he's also her parent, and needs to have the opportunity to bond with her in their own special way without Mama controlling every aspect
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Old 05-07-2007, 04:19 PM
 
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I make it a priority to allow each of my children time alone with their dad from day 1. I think it is good for all of us.
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Old 05-07-2007, 04:25 PM
 
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I haven't read any other responses so I'm sure this has been hashed out thoroughly already.

My opinion is that your dh is just as much a parent as you and should have the right to take his son out when he wants to. I can see not wanting him gone all day or to miss a feeding but it's not right to forbid him to spend alone time with his son outside of the house.

Sure I was nervous when dh first took the kids but he's a competent adult and while he may do things differently than I do he still has their best interest in mind and he's fully capable. He would've been very hurt if I'd have said, "NO". Besides, I'm not his mother, I don't feel like I have the right to flat out say no when he is their father.

Nicole, mom of 3. Mitochondrial Disease.: Epilepsy
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Old 05-07-2007, 04:50 PM
 
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I have no qualms about dh taking his child anywhere. He has been doing that since the child was a week old. If you can't trust your husband to take the child somewhere, then you have more serious issues in your relationship. Just my opinion.
: I read this thread earlier and this was exactly what I was thinking as well. Frankly like someone else said if dh did not take dd out from time to time I'd lose my mind. My dh takes our 21 mo dd out when he runs quick errands to get coffee or the store, yes, I may have brief moments of worry, then again I worry when he goes out alone. However he is my child's father and while we don't always do things exactly the same, he is her Dad and I have 100% trust in him. I suspect that if I did not trust him he would not be around.

Its one thing to not trust a relative or friend with your child but if you don't trust that child's other parent and your life partner that says a lot.

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Old 05-07-2007, 05:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
DS is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?
I've read the whole thread and I'm choosing to answer this part. My DH stayed home with DD for the second three months of here life, so "ready" or not, that's when he spent substantial time alone with her. Our experience mimics Beth and her wifes.

I'll also let you in on a little secret, there have been times in the first year, when inexperienced me couldn't comfort my crying child. These things happen and we all find our way with our children. I shudder to think what would have happened if my mother or MIL (or a hospital nurse) had questioned when I would be ready to spend substantial time alone with my daughter, since I lacked childcare experience and might not know how to comfort her.

I'm a big CC-kinda gal and to me, one of the core concepts of the book is the idea of consensual living. No one sets rules or consequences for anyone else. They all accept each other as completely valid. There was no judgement among members of the tribe. No "letting" or pushing the boy to go off on the hunting party. No forcing the 8 year old to return with the adult members of the tribe when they left Jean's canoe party. They let that 8 year old stay with that western woman. It was his decision. Just something to think about in practicing CC.

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Old 05-07-2007, 05:10 PM
 
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I think one of the most beautiful, yet painful and humbling things I watched happen with my 1st dc was when she learned to be comforted by my dh. They were awkward at first. I was the judgemental mommy offering a lot of overbearing criticism at times. But then they learned to *dance* together - clumsy at first, but my dd has been swept off her feet by my dh ever since. There are still times when only mommy will do, but it is really refreshing to not be the only *rock* in her world that she can cling to.

With dc #2, I've made sure they get alone time to build their private relationship, from the start. It's important to me.
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ryansma View Post
Bold mine. The statement "they are his kids too" is far from an extreme one. And only needed said because there was so much emphasis on the OP saying she would not "let" her husband take their dc. I am primary caregiver yes but also an equal partner-like Houdini said. One parent having the right to deny another parent access to their child just seems out of balance.
Well, it is a statement of fact. yes they are his kids too. That is true.

The difficulty with it is that it ignores the fact that one parent is primary caregiver and food source. Both are not equal. Speaking of balance, if both provided equal care, then statements that infer that equality would be appropriate.

That was not/is not my parenting experience, and it sounds very much like it is not the OP's either.

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FWIW I do agree with you thismama about the potential solution.
Cool.
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post

Then again, he was the first to hold her, first to change a diaper, gave the first bath, etc.
.
Eh, my husband 'caught' her, was the first to see her gender, did the bath/diaper/getting dressed/swaddle thing first, and I most certainly trust him with her, but I/we just don't think it's appropriate for our family to have her separated from me right now.

To us, it isn't a matter of trust, but a matter of what is right for our family. And that isn't right for our family, separating mom and baby for more than a few minutes. I'm not a person who needs 'alone' time away from her to be a 'good' mom, and I don't anticipate that happening in the future. I understand that some moms need time alone, but I don't think it's a necessity for all moms of 1 year olds...
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:34 PM
 
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Well, it is a statement of fact. yes they are his kids too. That is true.

The difficulty with it is that it ignores the fact that one parent is primary caregiver and food source. Both are not equal. Speaking of balance, if both provided equal care, then statements that infer that equality would be appropriate.

That was not/is not my parenting experience, and it sounds very much like it is not the OP's either.
What many posters are saying is that "primary caregiver =get's to make all the decisions about the child" may not be the wisest way to make decisions for your child or your marriage. More importantly though is the fact that the OP's dh wants to "provide equal care" by doing his part but she has said no. My husband is my partner in parenting no matter what - I am primary caregiver but we are BOTH ds' parents. I don't feel like I have more say in decisions about ds just because I am primary caregiver just like dh doesn't say it's HIS money even though he is the one who works outside the home. By your logic I wouldn't ever get to buy new shoes because we are not equal partners in earning it.

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Old 05-07-2007, 05:40 PM
 
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What many posters are saying is that "primary caregiver =get's to make all the decisions about the child" may not be the wisest way to make decisions for your child or your marriage.
Yep and I agree with that. I just saw the "it's his child too, he shouldn't have to get permission" as total invalidation of the OP's position, where I thought middle ground is better. Sounds like we're not in disagreement actually.

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More importantly though is the fact that the OP's dh wants to "provide equal care" by doing his part but she has said no.
Well, taking the child for an hour is not equal care. IME it's pretty hard to do equal care while an infant or young toddler is nursing, unless dad does every diaper change, a lot of the comforting, waking up in the night etc. I know ONE family that does this. However bottom line in a nursing relationship is that it's usually ALL about mama in the early days.

Which is not to say dad shouldn't get an active role in developing a bond with his child. My daughter's dad worked actively to bond with her and they are super, super tight now (she is 3.5).

I was comfortable with him taking her for short walks from almost the beginning, and by early toddlerhood he had her for 3 hours at a time. But the fact remained I was mama, and mama was a pretty damn important role at that age.
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:40 PM
 
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Maybe that is part of it. I don't know.



I think if he took the initiative to do so he would have taken ds out months ago, but he hasn't so we are not there yet. I know most who are posting here have a dh that is the best dad or close to it. Mine could use some work. He needs a push once in awhile to actually play or bond with his child. And this is probably why were not in agreement that ds is ready for this yet. Last year my dh worked long hours and for two weeks didn't see his ds awake and I think that put a damper on thier relationship. Sometimes its better and sometimes not.
If your dh is asking to take ds out by himself, isn't that taking initiative? What else are you waiting for?

If your ds is asking to take ds out by himself, could you work together to find a time when ds is rested and fed? Could you send along a snack in case ds gets hungry?

What are you afraid of most here? That dh wouldn't be able to comfort ds? That ds might be permanently traumatized by getting hurt/hungry when you're not around? That dh doesn't know how to use the carseat correctly? That dh doesn't know what ds is capable of doing at the playground, and he may fall and get hurt? Imo, kids are pretty emotionally resiliant--crying while Dad's trying to comfort them probably isn't going to do any lasting harm. Safety issues can be a real concern, but they can be easily addressed (teach dh to use the carseat, enroll in a cpr class, etc.).

In our family, dh has always taken ds out on errands, to the park, played alone at home while I'm gone, etc. Maybe I'm the primary comforter, because I'm more often at home with ds, but I really try hard not to think of myself as the "expert" on ds. I don't want to be the expert--I want ds to have lots of different relationships with friends and family. I want ds to accept lots of ways of comforting/calming if I'm not around, or heaven forbid, if I'm in the hospital or worse. I love watching ds with his dad--they have their own special way of playing. I think their relationship is much stronger for spending time by themselves, away from me. There have been times when ds hurt himself at the playground when I wasn't there, but that's part of life. Who's to say I could have prevented it, or I could have comforted ds better than dh? Ds is now 2, and as he grows into the toddler years, I realize I could never do all this by myself.

lady.gif mama to H. 4/05 and A. 9/08 and baby C. 10/11

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Old 05-07-2007, 08:04 PM
 
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I was worried about the same thing when my DS was young however I went back to school to finish my last semester when DS was 9 months old. He was a 100% breastfed baby at this point and not eating hardly any solids so I was quite worried. I decided that if it was a problem I would drop out and finish some other time. Well it turned out great. There wasn't an ajustment period or anything. I went to school and DH had DS there by himself and DS never cried. DS never asked to nurse and DH kept water available. He did offer some solids and sometimes he ate, sometimes he didn't. I think this was a very important time for both of them. DS and DH became closer and DH realized that he did have the skills to take care of DS by himself which made him a more confident and active parent. DS would nurse as soon as I got home (2 hrs later) but didn't even ask when I was gone. Kinda like a fruit tray, if it's there you will nibble on it, if not you can wait till meal time.
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Old 05-07-2007, 08:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NicaG View Post
What are you afraid of most here? That dh wouldn't be able to comfort ds? That ds might be permanently traumatized by getting hurt/hungry when you're not around? That dh doesn't know how to use the carseat correctly? That dh doesn't know what ds is capable of doing at the playground, and he may fall and get hurt? Imo, kids are pretty emotionally resiliant--crying while Dad's trying to comfort them probably isn't going to do any lasting harm.
I was going to post the exact same questions. I would be interesting to know *why* the OP and other mamas here don't allow their DH to take their DC "out." I'm not talking out like all day, but just out alone with just DH and DC for a little bit. My DH takes both our 11 mo. old and our 2 1/2 yo. out to the park and to the store regularly. I'd never even considered not allowing it. Actually I'm always incredibly proud that I've married a partner who *wants* to do that!!!

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Old 05-07-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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I get that you don't want your DH taking him so far away, that seems to be the major issue is that everything is so far away from your home. So what if you compromised and drove with them he takes your son to a park/playground whatever is nearby and you do some shopping or get a cup of coffee for a little while, maybe you would feel better about these outings if you were closer in case your son needs you and your dh could work on his comforting skills. And you can slowly work on letting them have more time together to make sure that your DS is fine to be away from you/nursing for an amount of time. I think he might surprise you.

FWIW I went back to work part time when our dd was a 13 months it was only 10 hours a week and was really hard on me emotionally but it was the BEST thing I ever did for my DH and DD's relationship. Up until that point he could use me as a fallback when she was cranky or upset but when I was gone he had to develop his own way of dealing with her and she grew to trust that he was there for her as much as I was, even though nursing wasn't an option. I wouldn't have be comfortable being away much more than that but I felt our dd was safe and taken care of and was ultimately really happy with her time alone with daddy, the issue was mine, not hers.

Now that baby #2 is due to arrive soon I am so thankful to my dh for taking the time to get to know our dd and to be there for her and to come up with their own special things they do together. It is going to help not only me but our dd when we are all learning how to transition with the new babe. The disruption that she is about to face is the biggest one in her life but knowing that I am not the only one who can comfort and take her places will make it easier for her.

Tracy, Wifey to Jeff . Mama to Maya-Papaya 7/04 and Carolina Bean-a 5/07 and Jack 7/4/10!!
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Old 05-07-2007, 11:14 PM
 
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To us, it isn't a matter of trust, but a matter of what is right for our family. ..
Isn't your husband part of the family? It doesn't seem like you're taking what's right for HIM into consideration here....just mama and baby

ETA: I don't mean to sound snarky; it's just that I'm dizzied trying to figure out how you're not considering your husband's needs as a parent, and your child's need to bond with dad on their own terms, mom sort of excluded, much as that sometimes hurts/worries/frustrates.
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Old 05-07-2007, 11:57 PM
 
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Would not "let"? What if he decided he would not "let" you do something? I can understand, since your child is younger, but I surely hope when she is older that your child's father is "allowed" to be an equal partner and parent.

By the time my boys were a year old, Daddy could take them out for a few hours. And the first two were exclusively BF too. By a year old, they were more interested in solids and discovering a cup. (I know some kids aren't)

Trust me, it was not easy watching DH take the children. Sometimes, even at ages 9, 8 and 2, it is STILL not easy. But he is their daddy. He is a huge part of their world. I cannot imagine that I have so much control that he would have to be "allowed" to parent them.

I guess I just don't understand one adult "allowing" another to parent their own children. The concept is simply foreign to me.
I guess I understand her alot more than I thought my DH is in the Army and she seemed to express that her DH was working for days at a time and when a father doesn't get to connect with their child on a daily basis they can't ead their ques as well and it takes longer for them to respond its not allowing to parent it allowing to take far away and parent she has said repeatedly that shes gone to town with them and they did something and she has a seperate activity but her DH wants to take her DC alone in to town while she stays home and I totally agree that thats not reasonable why can't she be in town too????
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Old 05-08-2007, 12:01 AM
 
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My friend was sort of like this with his child. Other than short errands, he did not allow his wife to be alone with their child, unless he was a short (five minutes or less) time away. He would NOT let his wife take their daughter somewhere without him just for s#!ts and giggles. He knew he was being selfish, but he saw no reasons at all that his wife might need complete alone time with their (oops, I mean HIS) daughter away from the house or the park behind the house.
WHY CAN'T HIS WIFE COME I MEAN JESUS EFFING CHRIST IT'S A 1yo BABY WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY AT HOME WHEN YOUR DH GOES TO TOWN 30MIN AWAY WHY CAN'T SHE COME????
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Old 05-08-2007, 12:29 AM
 
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I found it
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Originally Posted by alegna
Depends- does your ds respond well to daddy comfort? Or does he need mama?

Could you all go into town together then they drop you off and go off together so you're closer?

good luck!

-Angela

Yes, and we have totally done this. My complaint and what totally started this thread is the hour away they would be if they went totally by themselves.

This is from her post in Breastfeeding so I say again WHAT IS HER DHs PROBLEM WITH HER BEING IN THE SAME TOWN??
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Old 05-08-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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I found it
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna
Depends- does your ds respond well to daddy comfort? Or does he need mama?

Could you all go into town together then they drop you off and go off together so you're closer?

good luck!

-Angela

Yes, and we have totally done this. My complaint and what totally started this thread is the hour away they would be if they went totally by themselves.

This is from her post in Breastfeeding so I say again WHAT IS HER DHs PROBLEM WITH HER BEING IN THE SAME TOWN??
The OP hasn't posted in a while. I didn't read anywhere that her DH doesn't want to be in the same town. I think she'll have to come back and post again. I doubt she wants to read through all the posts though. She indicated she only wants support and not opposition and I think there is a good deal of opposition here in the thread.
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Old 05-08-2007, 04:50 AM
 
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That post was on the OPs xpost in Breastfeeding http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=669061
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Old 05-08-2007, 08:19 AM
 
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The OP hasn't posted in a while. I didn't read anywhere that her DH doesn't want to be in the same town. I think she'll have to come back and post again. I doubt she wants to read through all the posts though. She indicated she only wants support and not opposition and I think there is a good deal of opposition here in the thread.
I didn't read that either. She probably won't read through the posts. She got really upset, seemingly, because people were not saying what she wanted to hear.

I do wish them the best of luck. I hope they can work this out.
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Old 05-08-2007, 10:24 AM
 
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I was going to post the exact same questions. I would be interesting to know *why* the OP and other mamas here don't allow their DH to take their DC "out." I'm not talking out like all day, but just out alone with just DH and DC for a little bit. My DH takes both our 11 mo. old and our 2 1/2 yo. out to the park and to the store regularly. I'd never even considered not allowing it. Actually I'm always incredibly proud that I've married a partner who *wants* to do that!!!
Well, I have one of those dh's that never takes the baby out by himself. He has no desire to.

He doesn't go to the store on a regular basis. I am the chief errand runner. I do all the post office, bank, dry cleaner, grocery type stuff. (And I have done it since we met--he shops for presents for me, hunting/fishing stuff for himself, and that is it) Occasionally, on the way home, I ask him to stop and get 1 thing I need. Rarely, he goes to the hardware store for something. But, those trips are usually as part of a big project, and *I* don't want to go because they take so long and are so incredibly boring. So, he doesn't take the baby, as it would distract him from the ever so important picking out of whatever.

We tend to spend our times on the weekend and at night together. If he's going to the park, he'd think it was more fun if I was there. Or the pool. And, that's about all that I can think of that we'd go in that vein.

If we go to church, we tend to go as a family. If I was sick, perhaps dh would take the baby, but I doubt it, as ds sometimes needs to nurse while we're there.

I do leave the house, and he stays alone with ds. I get my hair cut, occasionally yard sale, go to the grocery store (what a treat!), even go get coffee. He takes ds outside, he gets up with him for an hour before I get up on the weekends. He seems to have plenty of time to be with him alone, but in our house.

That's why I was curious why the OP's dh wanted to take him away from home. We must be huge homebodies, but we are plenty happy here. No reason to get away.
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Old 05-08-2007, 12:09 PM
 
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I actually read all the responses and found the discussion really interesting.

I think the bottom line here, as I see it, is that the OP has specific circumstances that are making her particularly uncomfortable with the situation. If it were me, I would address these concerns with my dh. I would explain exactly why I'm uncomfortable with being separated from my child at such a distance, and suggest a compromise - as the pps suggested, everyone going into town together and then splitting up, with the ability to reunite quickly if the baby becomes unhappy.

I'm a big believer in the mama bear instinct. Lots of people would tell me I'm crazy for not leaving dd with a babysitter yet - not even her grandma (MIL) and aunt (SIL, who just turned 14). But I am not comfortable leaving her with them yet and I trust that instinct. There are good reasons for it, but it would take pages and pages to explain them all.

I do think it's odd that the OP's dh seemingly hesitates to go for a walk with the baby or spend time in the backyard sans mama, but wants to take the baby away from the house for an extended period of time. And if the town is 30 minutes away, we're really talking about at least a 1.5 to 2-hour absence.

My dd hates car rides, for the most part, and it would be very traumatic to me to imagine her crying hysterically in the car, needing me, for 30 min while my dh drove home (frustrated with/upset by the crying but unable or unwilling to stop to do anything about it). If I was genuinely worried about that kind of scenario, I would have to go with them. I'm NOT, because I know dh would pull over and comfort dd, give her a bottle, whatever.

We have a very different setup in our home because I work and dh stays home. I cherish the time that I have with dd, but it can be hard to do things in front of dh or spend time with dd in front of dh because I'm already insecure about not being around enough, and if he criticizes what I do (which he almost never does, thank goodness), then I really lose confidence, feel incompetent, and feel like I should just hand dd back to dh.

The best way to feel more comfortable with the other parent caring for the child is to let them be on their own, and find their own way. However, if you have strong instincts and/or good reasons to not be separated at a distance from your 1 year old, I think that's okay and it should be respected and worked with. It's not a matter of saying to your dh, "You can't take ds into town without me," but instead, "I don't feel comfortable being so far away from ds right now. Why don't we go together and shop in different stores so you can find me if ds needs me?" Then, when you do this, do everything in your power to NOT hover or check in with them every few minutes. That would be totally counterproductive and just upset your ds.

Hopefully, your dh will understand and respect your feelings, and you'll do the same for him by providing opportunities (real opportunities) to spend time alone with his son. I think it's great your dh wants to spend more time with his son - you just have to work together to find a way to make that happen so that you're both comfortable.

Have you asked your dh why he wants to take your son on errands? Maybe if you discuss it, he'll tell you things that will give you a better understanding of his needs and perhaps they can be met in a more mutually agreeable way. For example, he might say, "I just want to spend an hour with ds without you running out into the yard every time he makes a noise." That would be totally reasonable and something you might not realize you're doing, that really inhibits his ability to forge a caring, close, mutually beneficial relationship with his son, where his son learns that he can count on Daddy to care for him and comfort him.

Hope you're still lurking, OP!

Julia
dd 1
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