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I'm not ready to let my dh take ds that far away yet

6K views 114 replies 62 participants last post by  Romana 
#1 ·
He wants to take our 1 year old son out by himself. No mama to comfort him if he gets hurt or wants to nurse. "Oh, but I will bring him right back if that happens." says dh. Me "So he can cry all the way home?" He asks about once a month and I tell him the same thing and that I will let him know when he can take ds out by himself.

Anyone else in the same position with thier dh. I feel ds can go with daddy when I feel no more anxiety about them going out by themselves and when ds is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?
 
#77 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I don't think this 'why should he ask permission to take HIS child away' really holds up.

Fact is mama is nursing, and it sounds very much like mama has been primary caregiver. It's not like both are equal parents in terms of who does the actual work, and has the bond with the baby, right now.

When my child was that young, her father did need my okay to take her away from me. I gave it more liberally than this mama. But I don't see a problem with needing the okay from the primary caregiver, and the FOOD source, and the one who knows best what is going on with the baby.

And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this? the mind boggles.
:

When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.
I think the point many posters were making is that how CAN the OP's dh partner/father more equally or more fully if she won't "let" him.
 
#78 ·
OP, a few things occur to me when reading your posts:

- do you have some prior issues with your husband that would cause you not to trust him completely?

- do you have anxiety about other areas of life, i.e. what if the house starts on fire, what if we can't pay the bills, etc?

I think the question you have to ask yourself, if you do truly trust your husband completely (and if you don't, that's something to work on, but it's not like it makes you a terrible person), then insisting on total control in this situation might be more about you than it is about your son and his needs - and I say that in the gentlest spirit possible, because I know how that can feel.
Really, though, there is no legitimate reason to stop your husband from taking his son somewhere alone, unless you have reason not to trust him (concrete, real reasons, based on your husband's prior behavior and his personality).

I'm kind of surprised at some of the posts to this thread about fathers not being equal partners - maybe my husband is different, but he has always been an absolute equal parent, sharing every duty, including diaper changes, babywearing, cosleeping, feeding, (except my short and disastrous nursing career
, literally everything, totally evenly. We are lucky in that he works from home, and has always been right there with me, doing everything I do, and his bond with his children is equal to mine - different, but equal.
 
#80 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thismama View Post
When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.
I guess my opinion comes from my husband knowing just as much about our kids as I do.....and he isn't the "primary" caregiver. He is an equal partner in everything (though I tend to get the doctor appts more). I don't make decisions about our children and what is best for them, then tell my husband about it later. We decide together as partners. The fact that I am home with them more doesn't give him any less decision making abilities. If that were the case, then when we switch roles in the next year (I will work, he will stay home) he will be the one who would have to give me permission to take our children anywhere. That sounds just as insane to me as him having to ask permission.

I don't see how a person can become an equal partner if they aren't being given permission to do so.
 
#81 ·
I'm not saying that IMO the OP's position is entirely the valid one. But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

I suggest that barring any real concerns from the OP about her partner's parenting skills, the two work together to slowly transition to more daddy time as works for the babe.
 
#82 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I'm not saying that IMO the OP's position is entirely the valid one. But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

I suggest that barring any real concerns from the OP about her partner's parenting skills, the two work together to slowly transition to more daddy time as works for the babe.
Good points all.
 
#83 ·
OP, I understand where you're coming from. I didn't leave my dd alone with my husband (even in our house) until she was about 18 months old. Even then, I was gone maybe 15 minutes and came back and she was screaming for me. Because of some things he does and does not do, I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with her or letting him take her places far away. Now, however, he's much better. I trust him to take her places and take the babies places. The few times he's been out with my daughter several hours, I get worried, but it all ends up ok. I understand the want not to though and I don't fully agree with most of the other posters. If you don't feel comfortable with it yet, don't do it. He's only a year old. There are other ways to apease your husband. Maybe go to the mall together and go different ways?
 
#84 ·
I totally understand. I doubt my DH will take out my babe until she's maybe 18 months-2 years. And even then, it might be for a quick trip to the dump that is just down the road. I meet her needs better, both hubby and I know this, and it's just how our family works.

Maybe if he wanted to, we'd just split up while we're in town and he'd do one store with the babe while I did another. We have a similar situation with having a small town 15 mins away, but then the large city that we often have to go to is an hour away. That's FAR when you have an unhappy baby


And FWIW, my babe likely wouldn't even care that I wasn't there. She LOVES her daddy, but I just don't think it's time for her to be so far away from me yet. Right now Daddy drives us into town pretty often, and if she is content in the car I run into the stores by myself. If she's fussin then we all go.

It's not that I don't trust my husband with her at all, I just think that biologically babies were designed to be with their mothers for the majority of the time during their first couple years, and since we can, why not? She'll enjoy going on day trips with him when she's older
 
#85 ·
I completely agree. I also had a hard time letting dh take dd out, or just take care of her at home so I could go have coffee with a pal. But having that time to ourselves makes us better parents. And I felt better when I began to put more trust in dh to care for dd. As he built his confidence in caring for her, he also became a better parent for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
In my experience, there is no time where I would just have been okay with it, no magic date happened where I stopped worrying. I had to just let go and know that DP loves his son more than anything he is a great dad and I worried, sure. But with each time I worried less. DP and DS together were not going to learn how they would deal with difficulties without me if I was always there.
 
#89 ·
i agree with the last poster .
i would have lost my mind if my dh had never taken our dd out during the first year. My husbands time away or alone at the house while i was away was really neccecary to build my confidence in him, his in himself, even dd's in him, and just for my freaking sanity! I really did feel better after putting some trust in dh.

it is true that i am always a little nervous when they are gone and it is true that i can more easily comfort her, but as long as she has a familiar and loving person to comfort her- i don't think that she will be "damaged" by the situation-really, i think it is helpful in the long run to build the relationship.

i wonder, if he knows how strongly you feel, why your dh would (or you feel he would) take ds for longer than you are comfortable with. have you thought of letting him read these posts and discussing it from there? it seems like something you need to work on together.

now- just a short, cute story about my dd who is now 23 months. she was sick this weekend and so we watched bambie (skipping what i thought were the upsetting parts.) the part came when they showed bambies father standing in the distant fog and this really upset her "papa! come here! papa!" she was yelling over and over. she just could not understand why he wasn't involved. i wouldn't trade that for a little uncomfortable feeling of my own.

call a friend to meet you in the big town so you arn't just thinking of them- go for a coffee or lunch and let your dh give it a try- knowing that you are close. i bet you will all feel better.

mcs
 
#90 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thismama View Post
But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

Bold mine. The statement "they are his kids too" is far from an extreme one. And only needed said because there was so much emphasis on the OP saying she would not "let" her husband take their dc. I am primary caregiver yes but also an equal partner-like Houdini said. One parent having the right to deny another parent access to their child just seems out of balance.

FWIW I do agree with you thismama about the potential solution.
 
#91 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by henhao View Post
Wow, DH took our baby out when she was days old. They went on small walks right after she'd been fed. Everything was fine.
Same here. My DH was a co-parent from day 1. And sometimes, he was better able to soothe DS and DD than I was.

I am just flabbergasted at some of the responses here. And it takes a lot to make me flabbergasted.
 
#93 ·
My husband has taken DD out alone from the time she was a couple days old, literally.

Then again, he was the first to hold her, first to change a diaper, gave the first bath, etc. He jumped right in, which suprised me (literally had never been around a baby under a year old, let alone held one). He doesn't get very much time with her, due to his job, so, I let him do the "firsts" as much as possible, b/c I get so many others by default(first smile, first laugh, first tooth, etc.). I also let him take her where he wants and do what he wants when he has time.

I may be the primary caregiver, but he's also her parent, and needs to have the opportunity to bond with her in their own special way without Mama controlling every aspect
.
 
#95 ·
I haven't read any other responses so I'm sure this has been hashed out thoroughly already.


My opinion is that your dh is just as much a parent as you and should have the right to take his son out when he wants to. I can see not wanting him gone all day or to miss a feeding but it's not right to forbid him to spend alone time with his son outside of the house.

Sure I was nervous when dh first took the kids but he's a competent adult and while he may do things differently than I do he still has their best interest in mind and he's fully capable. He would've been very hurt if I'd have said, "NO". Besides, I'm not his mother, I don't feel like I have the right to flat out say no when he is their father.
 
#96 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mirlee View Post
I have no qualms about dh taking his child anywhere. He has been doing that since the child was a week old. If you can't trust your husband to take the child somewhere, then you have more serious issues in your relationship. Just my opinion.
: I read this thread earlier and this was exactly what I was thinking as well. Frankly like someone else said if dh did not take dd out from time to time I'd lose my mind. My dh takes our 21 mo dd out when he runs quick errands to get coffee or the store, yes, I may have brief moments of worry, then again I worry when he goes out alone. However he is my child's father and while we don't always do things exactly the same, he is her Dad and I have 100% trust in him. I suspect that if I did not trust him he would not be around.

Its one thing to not trust a relative or friend with your child but if you don't trust that child's other parent and your life partner that says a lot.

Shay
 
#97 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
DS is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?
I've read the whole thread and I'm choosing to answer this part. My DH stayed home with DD for the second three months of here life, so "ready" or not, that's when he spent substantial time alone with her. Our experience mimics Beth and her wifes.

I'll also let you in on a little secret, there have been times in the first year, when inexperienced me couldn't comfort my crying child. These things happen and we all find our way with our children. I shudder to think what would have happened if my mother or MIL (or a hospital nurse) had questioned when I would be ready to spend substantial time alone with my daughter, since I lacked childcare experience and might not know how to comfort her.

I'm a big CC-kinda gal and to me, one of the core concepts of the book is the idea of consensual living. No one sets rules or consequences for anyone else. They all accept each other as completely valid. There was no judgement among members of the tribe. No "letting" or pushing the boy to go off on the hunting party. No forcing the 8 year old to return with the adult members of the tribe when they left Jean's canoe party. They let that 8 year old stay with that western woman. It was his decision. Just something to think about in practicing CC.
 
#98 ·
I think one of the most beautiful, yet painful and humbling things I watched happen with my 1st dc was when she learned to be comforted by my dh. They were awkward at first. I was the judgemental mommy offering a lot of overbearing criticism at times. But then they learned to *dance* together - clumsy at first, but my dd has been swept off her feet by my dh ever since. There are still times when only mommy will do, but it is really refreshing to not be the only *rock* in her world that she can cling to.

With dc #2, I've made sure they get alone time to build their private relationship, from the start. It's important to me.
 
#99 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ryansma View Post
Bold mine. The statement "they are his kids too" is far from an extreme one. And only needed said because there was so much emphasis on the OP saying she would not "let" her husband take their dc. I am primary caregiver yes but also an equal partner-like Houdini said. One parent having the right to deny another parent access to their child just seems out of balance.
Well, it is a statement of fact. yes they are his kids too. That is true.

The difficulty with it is that it ignores the fact that one parent is primary caregiver and food source. Both are not equal. Speaking of balance, if both provided equal care, then statements that infer that equality would be appropriate.

That was not/is not my parenting experience, and it sounds very much like it is not the OP's either.

Quote:
FWIW I do agree with you thismama about the potential solution.
Cool.
 
#100 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post

Then again, he was the first to hold her, first to change a diaper, gave the first bath, etc.
.
Eh, my husband 'caught' her, was the first to see her gender, did the bath/diaper/getting dressed/swaddle thing first, and I most certainly trust him with her, but I/we just don't think it's appropriate for our family to have her separated from me right now.

To us, it isn't a matter of trust, but a matter of what is right for our family. And that isn't right for our family, separating mom and baby for more than a few minutes. I'm not a person who needs 'alone' time away from her to be a 'good' mom, and I don't anticipate that happening in the future. I understand that some moms need time alone, but I don't think it's a necessity for all moms of 1 year olds...
 
#101 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Well, it is a statement of fact. yes they are his kids too. That is true.

The difficulty with it is that it ignores the fact that one parent is primary caregiver and food source. Both are not equal. Speaking of balance, if both provided equal care, then statements that infer that equality would be appropriate.

That was not/is not my parenting experience, and it sounds very much like it is not the OP's either.
What many posters are saying is that "primary caregiver =get's to make all the decisions about the child" may not be the wisest way to make decisions for your child or your marriage. More importantly though is the fact that the OP's dh wants to "provide equal care" by doing his part but she has said no. My husband is my partner in parenting no matter what - I am primary caregiver but we are BOTH ds' parents. I don't feel like I have more say in decisions about ds just because I am primary caregiver just like dh doesn't say it's HIS money even though he is the one who works outside the home. By your logic I wouldn't ever get to buy new shoes because we are not equal partners in earning it.
 
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