I'm not ready to let my dh take ds that far away yet - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He wants to take our 1 year old son out by himself. No mama to comfort him if he gets hurt or wants to nurse. "Oh, but I will bring him right back if that happens." says dh. Me "So he can cry all the way home?" He asks about once a month and I tell him the same thing and that I will let him know when he can take ds out by himself.

Anyone else in the same position with thier dh. I feel ds can go with daddy when I feel no more anxiety about them going out by themselves and when ds is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?

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#2 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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My dh was taking dd out by herself at 1 year old. It might be a good thing for your dh to learn how to comfort him if he gets hurt. I think as long as he's not taking him out for too long, then I'd let him do it. He's his dad, which to me is a lot different than letting grandma take him.

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#3 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:32 PM
 
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My dh would take our babies out when they where just days old. He never stayed out long.

Dh is the parent so let him.
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#4 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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In my experience, there is no time where I would just have been okay with it, no magic date happened where I stopped worrying. I had to just let go and know that DP loves his son more than anything he is a great dad and I worried, sure. But with each time I worried less. DP and DS together were not going to learn how they would deal with difficulties without me if I was always there.
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#5 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:35 PM
 
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I have always completely trusted my dh with my dd, so I don't know the answer to this. I understand you being the only one to nurse him, but does he ever go an hour without nursing now that he is 1, so your dh can take him out for an hour? If not, then I would wait until he goes longer between nursing sessions.

Would it be possible to try to ease yourself into it, and nurse him right before they go out somewhere (the park or something?) and you go along separately and watch where ds can't see you, to give yourself peace of mind that your dh is capable of soothing your son? Then once you know it might relieve your anxiety?

I know how hard it is to trust someone else with your child-but your dh should be the number one person that you would trust in the blink of an eye. One thing I learned (not that I know a lot, my dd is only 2.5) is that dh may not do things exactly the same way that I would do them, but the end result is the same. He adores her and would do anything for her. For the record, we are completely on the same page as far as discipline, etc...goes, we just might approach things a little differently and that is okay
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#6 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:39 PM
 
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My kids dad would take them out when they were newborns for little walks so I could rest. My kids are 7 and almost 5 now and there is never a time when they are away from me that I forget about them or don't have a little worry-bug floating around in the back of my mind somewhere. But I know it's my job as their mama, to provide a solid foudation for them to always come back to but that I must also let them go as well. It's hard . I think that kids generally do quite well and he will probably need to nurse less when he's out with his dad than he would if he was with you. It's good for father/child bonding for them to do things together one-on-one. Basically, I do think that 1 is old enough to go on little outings with Papa and I don't think you will ever be 100% ok with it.
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#7 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 03:59 PM
 
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i would let dh watch my one year old for sure. is he high needs? not eating solids? jmo let him try but bring him home for nap time or bed time. he'll probably just be distracted looking around. he doesnt have to go far.
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#8 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:04 PM
 
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I agree with the previous posters.. You'll probably never get to a place where you don't feel anxiety about your ds going out without you. I'm not sure how your son is, but at age 1, my dd could easily go an hour without nursing. Maybe you could start by nursing your son right before they go for a short outing and gradually increase the time as you get more comfortable with it?
Waiting until he is primarily eating solid foods could still be a year away.. My almost 20mo old is still getting 80% of her nutrition from nursing.. She will take a sippy cup now though and I just left her with her daddy for 3 hours while I went and saw Spiderman 3.. I felt lots of anxiety about it but I had the cell phone in my pocket set to vibrate in case I got a call to come home.. She was fine..
I think that you should start out letting ds take short trips with daddy.. He'll be fine.. and really, it will mean the world to your dh.. It's time...

~Stephanie )O(

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#9 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:16 PM
 
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Yup, Dh would take Dd out for walks at age 1, and he'd stay out for about 1-1.5hrs at a time. I would prepack a diaper bag complete with a change of clothes, dipes, and some snacks and let them go. It gave me some baby-free time, and let Dh bond with Dd.

It also gave Dh some confidence as a parent without me hovering over him and micro-managing every little thing. I'm not saying that that is what the OP is doing, but its been a topic of many an discussion in our household...

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#10 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:23 PM
 
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I also let (I don't really like that word, since he is a parent too) dh take the little ones out when they were small. He is their father, so what right do I have to forbid him? I also let my mother and my sister care for them too, and they loved it. We are a very close family and I wanted my children to be a part of that. I think you should encourage their bond and don't let your little one see or feel your anxiety. I think our children pick up on our feelings and they could have a negative effect.
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#11 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:24 PM
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I agree with PP. Your child needs and deserves an independent relationship with his son. Now that he is not exclusively breastfed and not completely reliant on nursing for hunger, start encouraging it
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#12 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is there anyone out there that feels the way I do? Please post. I came here to ask for support. I totally trust my dh, but I know my ds and it's just not happening yet. The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away. My dh is a dawdeler by the way and would keep him out longer than I would like. I like the continuum concept way of parenting. That being said I know when I'm not ready for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.

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#13 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:45 PM
 
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When are you having your next child?

I'm sorry you're not finding what you want to hear
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#14 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mamajama View Post
When are you having your next child?

I'm sorry you're not finding what you want to hear
Thanks, the earliest would be fall of 2008. I probably will let him take ds out before then ,but right now it's a definate no.

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#15 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momto l&a View Post
My dh would take our babies out when they where just days old. He never stayed out long.
: My daughter's father did this also. If she cried he just brought her back to me. At first they stayed within 10 minutes of home (but this was when she was maybe a month old).

At age 1, really I would let them go. If he is an attentive father. He will bring him back if he needs you, and it's really nice to watch them develop a bond with the other parent, yk?
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#16 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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I can't imagine my husband having to ask permission to take his own child somewhere. He has been taking them out and about since they were very young.

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Originally Posted by cathysteck
That being said I know when I'm not ready for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.
Bold mine.

I think the key is the boldest part. If you wait until a new baby comes along that will be huge shock to your son. He will see mom go away for a day or two and then come back with this new little person who will monopolize her time. If you homebirth, he will still see this new little person monopolizing your time while you send him off with his dad.

I think it is critical for each parent to learn to parent their child. He won't do things just like you, but that doesn't make his way wrong (unless he is on the opposite spectrum as you -- spanking, CIO, etc.). It sounds like he just wants to bond with his son and strengthen their relationship.

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#17 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 04:56 PM
 
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Do you mind explaining a little further why it is you don't want his dad to take him on outings for so long? I know you said probably sooner than fall 2008 but it just seems like a long way away. I would love to understand better.
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#18 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
Thanks, the earliest would be fall of 2008. I probably will let him take ds out before then ,but right now it's a definate no.
Good luck, I hope that you can find the support you need. I have to say I worry about the language you use in "letting" your DH care for his son.
And that's only from personal experience. I didn't "let" my DP comfort DS when he was a newborn, I was his mother I could easily comfort nurse him and had my own system for soothing DS firmly in place early on. What I didn't know I was doing was setting DP up for failure. By not giving him the chance to be a parent, and controlling when he had father son time, I created the issue, and when our son was 8 or 9 months old, DP had no tricks, no system, no place to begin, no method for soothing his son. That was not his fault, it was mine.
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#19 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:08 PM
 
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I wish I could be helpful...

Some ideas that occurred to me were, maybe your DH could walk around the block/up the street with your son. They could be gone about 10 minutes or less. See if they can do that a few times. Or if you go to the store/mall/restaurant/somewhere together and DH wakls around somewhere else while you shop. They could be in the next aisle/very near, just not DIRECTLY next to you. DH could watch your son in the house while you vacuum another part of the house/garden right outside/take a bath alone.

These are examples of about 10 minutes intervals your DH could "test-drive" the Daddy Time. You could be there for your son immediately, if needed.

I did go through this with my daughter, too, actually. That was a few years ago now. Now she really cherishes daddy time and sees him as the playful one. I am the nurturer. I suppose that's fine, but was a little hard at first when I recently started to be away for work. (Unfortunately, she was SOOOO upset that I had to "retire" and quit working after just a few months because it was too hard on her--probably irrelevant, but she certainly is attached!)

Good luck, much love!
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#20 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think the key is the boldest part. If you wait until a new baby comes along that will be huge shock to your son. He will see mom go away for a day or two and then come back with this new little person who will monopolize her time. If you homebirth, he will still see this new little person monopolizing your time while you send him off with his dad.
We homebirth and even so my ds would be there in the hosp. with us. My dh does know how to comfort our ds for things that don't need nursies. We have an acre yard and 10 acres total and I insist on them going outside to play or for him to put him in the carrier and wash his motorcycle or whatever he needs to do outside. I encourage it. I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet. Maybe I should just call up my cousin who would totally understand. I hope she is home.

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#21 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away.
Can't they just go for a walk? Dh could strap DS into an ergo or another baby carrier, or a stroller, and just head out and find interesting things to look at.

I realize you're not hearing what you want to, but I personally think that there may be a good reason for that.

I have good friends whose DH's seriously are incompetent with their babies because the DH's never step up and offer to bathe, change, rock, walk with, their children, much less take them out somewhere on their own. I personally think it is wonderful that your DH wants to take your DS out on his own for a little bit, and I would nurture that desire. He wants to take care of his child, and he wants to figure things out for himself. That needs to start early, because otherwise your DS might not be so receptive to it later on, especially if you have another child and the whole regression/jealousy thing sets in.

If you're worried about them going to far away, I agree, take baby steps and send them on a walk together. Or you go with them somewhere but then take a walk by yourself while they play at a park or somewhere else.

I fail to see what bad could happen, except that your DH and DS get to know each other better and strengthen their bond. Good for all involved!

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#22 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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I just want to add, in light of your x-post that I, and probably most mamas on this thread exclusively breastfed our babies. In case that seemed in doubt.
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#23 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
Is there anyone out there that feels the way I do? Please post. I came here to ask for support. I totally trust my dh, but I know my ds and it's just not happening yet. The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away. My dh is a dawdeler by the way and would keep him out longer than I would like. I like the continuum concept way of parenting. That being said I know when I'm not ready for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.

This is support. Support for both parents.

What you seem to want is everyone to agree with you. Not a lot of people will agree that a parent should not be able to take their child out.

A one year old should be able to go couple of hours without breastfeeding. I really hope that you get the agreement with your ideas that you seem to really want. I also hope that your husband doesn't give up and detach because he isn't "allowed" to take his child out.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. But when I see post after post on these boards about guys who seem to think that their only obligation is a paycheck and sperm, and then I read your post about how your husband actually seems interested in parenting, I got a little put out over your ideas. I mean the child is not a newborn. And next Fall is a little too long for you to wait to "allow" your husband to take his child out, IMO.

Maybe your cousin will give you the pat on the back and sympathy you want. Good luck.
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#24 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is support. Support for both parents.

What you seem to want is everyone to agree with you. Not a lot of people will agree that a parent should not be able to take their child out.

A one year old should be able to go couple of hours without breastfeeding.
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.

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#25 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:41 PM
 
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read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


Oh I read your last post.

No one wants you to leave. But, you are not going to find people here who will simply tickle your ears with what you want to hear. You will find people who will give you ideas, and tell you what they think.

Good luck finding that board. But, I really hope you will at least open your mind to considering what some of the ladies here had to say. Good luck with your husband and child too.
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#26 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:44 PM
 
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read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.
Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.
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#27 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:46 PM
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read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


You're just wanting to go to a place where everyone agrees with you? What good will that do? This is a DISCUSSION board--so people are discussing, giving you ideas--not an everybody agree with me board.

Not to mention, he is THE FATHER!!!!! How can you be married to someone you don't trust? I don't understand that at all. He has just as much of a right to that child as you do--unless he is abusive or something. Otherwise, let him parent, and be so happy you have a father who is so involved.
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#28 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:47 PM
 
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I wish you wouldn't leave! I would love to understand your position better!
When you first posted, you asked what ages we were comfy with...That's kinda what I was speaking to in my original reply. But I would never want to try to pressure a mother into letting her kid go with her/his dad if the mother wasn't comfortable with it. But for myself, I have trouble really offering insight unless I understand better.
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#29 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cathysteck View Post
We homebirth and even so my ds would be there in the hosp. with us. My dh does know how to comfort our ds for things that don't need nursies. We have an acre yard and 10 acres total and I insist on them going outside to play or for him to put him in the carrier and wash his motorcycle or whatever he needs to do outside. I encourage it. I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet. Maybe I should just call up my cousin who would totally understand. I hope she is home.
Your son won't be able to stay in the hospital though.

I would suggest going to the nearest place with him, then stay in the car and read a good book while your husband enjoys bonding with his son.

I am still baffled that a man has to ask permission to take his own child anywhere. :

You husband can't learn how to comfort his son if you do not allow it.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#30 of 115 Old 05-06-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.

I certainly wasn't trying to invalidate anyone's feelings here.

I am very sympathetic and get really upset over daddies who seem to act indifferent toward their kids, etc. I honestly understand that this mama isn't ready for change. BUT, I also see insinuations that indicate that the relationship between father and child is micromanaged and it makes me sad. No father or mother should be "allowed" to take their child out. It should just be a given.

I would feel a little differently if this were a newborn. But this is a 1 yr old. Surely a car trip for a couple of hours out somewhere is not going to hurt anything.
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