Completely freaking out!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 11:34 AM - Thread Starter
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Mamas, I don't know what to do!

My aunt passed away yesterday morning. It is really sad but also somewhat of a relief as she was suffering a lot...she had cancer throughout her body. She lives 5 hours away from us.

I saw her twice in the 2 month period before she passed away and really don't even want to go to the funeral/memorial. However, I really feel that I must go...if not for my aunt then for my mother...

My problem is that DS really doesn't do well on a long car trip...I don't have my own vehicle right now (it's getting the transmission repaired) so I have to go with my parents or brother, which also means I don't have complete authority over when we leave and all that...DP can't really go with me b/c of his job situation. DS is 25 months and if I do take him with me I don't really know what I'll do with him during the funeral and all that...I have relatives there (on the other side of the family) who can watch him but he doesn't really know them and I can imagine him crying the whole time. I rarely leave him and he is very attached (which I love...most of the time, LOL)

If I leave him home he will be with his dad (DP) and he usually likes to be with him and also my future MIL who he is also very comfortable with can watch him during the day. I would leave on Friday and be back Saturday night...but we cosleep and I do bedtime 99.5% of the time...and lately he's been really needy and clingy....

So do I leave him home or subject him to the stress of the car rides and having to be watched by someone he doesn't know (I don't think taking him to the funeral service or wake would be an option given his love for talking constantly in a somewhat loud voice.)

I thought I was ok with leaving him but last night I just kept freaking out about it and wondering if he would be ok, and thinking of all these things that could go wrong...(they were all very unlikely but still

He's no longer nursing so at least that's one thing that I don't have to stress out about at the moment...
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#2 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 11:39 AM
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When I get put into a situation like this one, I try to think this way "I have to do what is best for ME right now. I know that my son is safe and that he will forgive me and recover from any short term stress that he may experience while I am away from him". This happened to me yesterday when I had to leave him for 4 hours to go to a very important health related appointment (and I hate leaving him for any lenght of time). But, I knew he was completely safe with my friend, and it turned out that he had a blast while I was away!

I really encourage you to cross post this on Finding Your Tribe, I think a lot our local mamas would come through for you and maybe help divert your child while you were away if need be (i.e. playdate time).

: I'm so sorry for your loss!

Carrin Mama to Sawyer 4/06 and TTC #2 I am a WAHM!
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#3 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 11:50 AM
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It sounds like staying home with his father would be less stressful for your DS than travelling and being shuffled around during services. It might be a rough night for DS and DP while you are gone, but they'll be OK.
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#4 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 12:34 PM
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I would go to the funeral and leave DS home with his dad.

Man, I really feel for all of you mamas who are (or feel you are) the only ones who can comfort your children adequately.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
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#5 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 01:57 PM
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DH took dd to his parent's house for a weekend when she was 23 months. I was nervous about how it would go, especially bedtime/nighttime, but she did great. Even though I did bedtime most of the time, she was fine with dh. He called me so she could say goodnight, but she was too busy to talk to me. I would think being at home with dad and grandmother would be much less stressful than car travel, being left with people he doesn't know well, etc. Especially since you won't really have the option to work around his usual schedule.

I would just help his dad and grandmother plan activities and food he really likes, so he's busy and comfortable.

Mama to and
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#6 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 04:53 PM
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I would leave him home with his Dad.

However, if you do take him you'll be suprised at how well he will do. I had to take DS to two funerals over the last few months, and because of the sombre mood he was really quiet and just sat on my knee or stood between my legs. Occasionally he would move over to someone else in my family, but that was about it. He's also a real mover. He likes to be running, talking, jumping (you get the picture!) so for him to be so quiet and calm was amazing.

It's complicated.
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#7 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 05:32 PM
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I am sorry about your loss. it must be very hard on you and your mom. I would leave my son home with dp and MIL, it is just one night, and you may be happily supprised at how well you do.....but if you think you will worry the whole time I say do what is best for you. whether that is not going or bringing your son.
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#8 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 09:32 PM
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Sorry for your loss. FWIW I had a similiar situation back in August and took DD (not quite 2.5 yo at the time) with me. They didn't have a full service, just a graveside, but it was sunny August (thank goodness early morning so not searing hot yet). We had to take a couple "walks" away from the site because DD just wouldn't stay still and quiet the whole time. But no one seemed to mind and DD enjoyed collecting silk flowers that had blown out of other arrangements and scattered around.

Bottom line: take your DC with you if you feel you must, and keep in mind there will probably be several different opportunities to slip out if your little one gets restless. I found it really helped me with my grief to have something else to do. And all our other relatives really were geniunely glad to see her too.
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#9 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 10:09 PM
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my condolences. I promise you your DC will be fine with his father and grandma. Spare him the ten-hour car ride.

Mom to DS 5/05 and DD 9/08
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#10 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 10:35 PM
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Sorry about your aunt. I know how it feels-my grandmother died after years of debilitating illness, and while it was sad, it was a relief as well. My girls, 3 and 1, both went to the funeral. I talked to the 3 year old about where my grandmother was and all that, though she didn't really understand. I try not to avoid talking about death with my kids, and they really lightened the mood, as strange as that sounds.

However, I'd also consider leaving him at home. I really think he'll be fine either way.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
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#11 of 12 Old 11-28-2007, 10:39 PM
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So sorry for your loss. I would probably leave him at home. At least he will be in familiar surroundings.

Jenese Mama to Elliot 8/05 and Millie Jane 7/07 and Cecilia Kate 1/11
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#12 of 12 Old 11-29-2007, 02:08 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you all so much! I have decided to leave him home. I'm going to explain where I'll be and try to help him understand the time-frame. I'm going to make sure to leave a list of activities/distractions and make sure we're well stocked with his favorite foods...who needs mommy when you've got lots and lots of pomegranates

Thanks for the support. I really really really appreciate it!
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